March 5th, 2016
You leaned back into the chair, musical sheets in hand you should be studying. Yet here you were, lost in your thoughts. Not that you minded all that much, you were just far behind to be able to think about other things besides training. Two long days and nights with Roseanne, memories that are burned into your brain. Two nights, you already memorised her lips motion between yours. How she tried to hold in her giggles when she got embarrassed. It was cute.
Your ears burned remembering her touch, her fingertips dragging from your ear to your jaw. Her thumb caressing your bottom lip. Every touch of hers was gentle, yet it left a burning mark.
The door abruptly opened, you lost balance on the two back feet of the chair and fell back. "Oh fuck." You whispered, rubbing the bottom of your spine.
"This is what happens when you lean back in the chair." Nayeon squatted in front of you, grinning. She holds out her hand and helps you back to your feet, brushing the non-existent dust off your shoulders. "Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you. I was looking for Jeongyeon."
You nod and bow. You've only met a couple times, only because of Sana, but you never got the chance to become comfortable with her. Only a short conversation that always ended in awkwardness. She's still your senior, how were you going to become friends with someone like her?
"Hey, Dahyun and Momo really miss you, but they had no way of contacting you to hang out or anything. We're not doing anything tonight, so if you want to come over, we'll be cooking. I think they'd really like that."
You wave your hand, dismissing her invitation. "I'm sorry, I'm busy." It's an excuse, but it wasn't a lie.
Nayeon sagged her shoulders and pouted her lips. You nervously chuckled and shifted your attention on the piano. Sure, it sounded fun. Hanging out with everyone, not just Sana or Mina. That was the thing, you weren't on such great terms with Sana, and you couldn't think of a reason why one of the members glared into your soul.
Each decline didn't stop Nayeon, she leaned against the keyboard. "Come on, you can't say no to a pretty girl."
You smacked your hand against your mouth, trying to hold in your laugh.
"You're so mean. You won't hang out with us, and now you're laughing at your senior?"
"No, no. Don't get the wrong idea. You're pretty and all, but that's not going to make me cave in."
Nayeon only shrugs her shoulders. "I thought it might've, since it worked for Sana."
And just like that, you shut up.
"If you're worried about her, don't. The other members will be there. It's not like you have to talk to her. I'll even make sure you're not even seated together-"
"Fine. Fine. Here's my number." There was no convincing her to let you go. Bearing through the night would have to do. "Let me know when to come. I'll even help cook if you need it."
"You're so obedient. I love it." Nayeon patted your head, ruffling your hair into a mess. You frowned, looking away from her. Oblivious, your ears turned red. "I'm just joking. I'll see you!~"
You bowed and closed the door, your phone dinged. A message from Rose.
Rosé:
Did you eat yet?
11:00 A.M
Y/N:
It's only 11 AM
11:01 A.M
Rosé:
And?
11:01 A.M
Rosé:
Want to get lunch together?
11:01 A.M
Rosé:
I know I just saw you a couple days agos, but I miss you already
11:01 A.M
Rosé:
I'll meet you at your company in 30
11:02 A.M
You smiled, you didn't even agree.
Y/N:
Do you want to meet halfway?
11:02 A.M
Y/N:
It's still freezing out
11:02 A.M
Rosé:
Are you worried about me?
11:02 A.M
It took you a minute to respond. Why was it so hard to just say yes?
Y/N:
Of course
11:05 A.M
Rosé:
:)
11:06 A.M
Rosé:
No, i'll meet you there
11:06 A.M
Rosé:
I'll text you when I'm there
11:06 A.M
You turned off the lights and locked the door. Diving right back into school and training didn't leave you with much free time. This small date with her was more of a reward you feel you didn't deserve. Each time any doubt and insecurity resurfaced, it seemed Rose always got an alert. A hero coming to the rescue. Not that you wanted to rely too much on her, she was just there.
And there she is, waiting at the entrance. Instinctively, you take off your jacket, hugging it around her shoulders, buttoning it up. "I feel like you don't wear another jacket on purpose." Pushing the loose strands behind her ear. Cold greeting your fingers as they brushed against her cheeks. "If you want to wear my jacket, you can just tell me."
"But I like it when you give it to me on your own." Rose stuffed her hands into the front pockets, wiggling her fingers. "I think you'll be warmer if we hold hands."
You chuckled, slipping your hand into the same pocket, entangling your frosted fingers with hers. "Where to, Miss Roseanna?"
The lobby was calmer than usual. No lunch rush, people weren't coming in and out of the building. Sana gripped onto her cuffs, watching you from a distance. She can't recall the last time she saw you smile. The last time your dimple grew deeper because you couldn't contain your happiness. You expressed your emotion, even if you tried to mask it. A trait Sana liked, she could read you easily. (She had trouble reading people.)
Although this time, it made her want to crumble. Sana began to question why she decided to run away. Why was she afraid of moving forward? She didn't understand she didn't take the leap of faith, while you stepped off the edge, confidently. She couldn't even understand her own reason anymore.
Momo nudged her. "Are you ready to go?"
Sana masked her emotion, like she always does, and nodded.
~
Lexi pulled Chan's by his neck-collar, back into the shop. Hiding behind the stand of flowers, peering out the window.
"What was that for? You almost choked me." Chan fixed his, now, stretched out collar. His eyes followed where her fingers pointed at. The clench around the bag tightens, watching you cross the street. "Do you think she'll like it?"
"Chan..." Lexi sighed. "You're one of my best buddies and I love you, but I don't think this is a good idea."
The proud smile drops and clench loosens, before he gains back confidence. "I know. It's not like I'm going to confess my feelings for her. I'll just say this is to cheer her up."
A lie. Chan did plan on confessing until he asked Lexi. Everything was already planned out in his head. Him taking you to his small studio, show you a song he's been composing. Which unsurprisingly was written for you. How cliche. But it's Chan.
Lexi only shook her head. She wanted the best for him, and the best wasn't you. At the moment. You were already going through your stuff, getting tangled in relationships that (probably) shouldn't have happened. In her opinion. First, Sana, who led you on, and now Rose. You were stupidly oblivious to notice Chan's subtle hints about his crush.
"You better hope she thinks that way too." She softly smacks his head. "I don't want you hurting your own feelings."
"I know, I know." Chan laughed, rubbing his head. "I've liked her for a long time now. I guess I got too excited. I'll wait until she's ready." Because in his darkest times, you didn't leave, though you were struggling with change too. You held yourself strong, protecting him from any harm. Chan was ready to lose himself in a colorless world, until you smacked some non-sense into him. The patience you had with him, he'll have for you now.
~
Once again, Nayeon disrupted your work. Five missed calls that you tried to ignore, only to be bombarded by Mina. Five missed calls turned to twenty in a matter of seconds. They really weren't going to let you flake this evening. Finally, you answered Nayeon's call. The other members are still busy with their schedule and asked for your help.
You looked at the time, 8 PM. You still needed to stay another two hours. It wouldn't hurt to sneak out since you already did during noon. Swiftly and stealthy as you could, you snuck out the company and put the pedal to the metal on your bike. The chill wind smacks your exposed skin, brushing your cheeks red. Again, you forgot your gloves back in the studio. The numbness soon took over the tips of your fingers and the tip of your ears. Each inhale began to hurt.
It wasn't a good idea.
This isn't a good idea.
The pedal pushed back, tired screeching against the slick pavement. Your chest puffed as you tried catching your breath. "What the hell am I doing?" You mumbled under your breath, rubbing your hands together. Things were never made clear, though it was implied when Sana left early. Things were left on a sour note. You were sure you were over it, but what if it changes when you see her. This isn't normal, you thought. It's not normal to hang out with her friends while she's there.
You gripped your handle bars, still trying to catch your breath. The sting is still there.
It's not a good idea, but maybe it'll be the push you need.
~
There was no time for formal greetings, Jihyo pushed you and Mina into the kitchen, throwing aprons to your faces. With only, "We'll be back. Don't burn the dorm down." as she dragged Nayeon out the door with her.
"That's our leader." Mina chuckled, she grabbed the apron from the ground and slipped your head through the opening, tying a knot behind your back. "You look cold, do you want some coffee?"
You only shook your head, already settling into the kitchen. The few words exchanged gave Mina a weird gut feeling. A timid side of you she never met before. She bumped her hip against yours. "Hey, are you okay? I don't remember seeing you in the building at all last week."
"Yea, I'm okay. I just took a short break."
A lie.
Mina didn't know how she knew you were lying, she just did. She bumped her hip with yours again. "You can be honest with me."
All the nights you let your walls fall with her, why are you holding back now?
Mina frowned, she thought you were letting go of that bond with her. (An insecurity that formed since everyone tended to leave her behind after they were done with her.) Placing down the knife and wiping her hands, she hugged your side. "I got you, remember? Like you told me before, I don't want you to face your hardships alone too."
A sigh of relief leaving with all the stinging. Her touch that almost melted all your worries away. Effortlessly, Myoui Mina slowed you down. "Thank you." You patted her head. "We should get back to cooking so Jihyo won't yell us."
Mine looked over at her phone, untying her apron, she pointed at her phone and mouthed, "I'll be right back."
A few minutes later, the front door swung open. Nayeon's cheeks puffed as she struggled to walk, each step with a wobble. You took a few bags from her grip, relieving weight she couldn't carry. "Hey grandma, let me help you out before you expire."
Nayeon kneed your butt as you walked away. "Show some respect." Install regretting her little tease. You've just met.
"I'm only saying what's true." You turned around, she stayed in place, still holding onto the bags. Shoulders sagging and lips pouting. You expected her to retort back, like she always did. "Oh come on, I was joking." Still, she didn't move an inch until you took the rest of the bags from her.
Nayeon pointed her chin away from you. "I'll forgive you if you tell me I'm pretty."
You scoffed, unpacking the groceries. She's worse than Sana, that's for sure. A bit more persistent in getting what she wanted, and if she didn't get it, she knew exactly how to throw a fit until she got it. "Fine." You sighed. Why was it so embarrassing? "You're very pretty."
"Now call me bunny." Her chin still pointed away.
"You're really pretty-" You paused... "-bunny."
A sharp pain as she pinched your cheeks as hard as she could. Well, it felt like it, almost as if she wanted to tear a chunk off. A smile only with her gums only appearing. "Aw, my puppy listens to me.~"
"Okay, now you're crossing the line, grandma." Brushing her hand away.
"You think I'm pretty.~" A teasing tone erasing the sweet and innocent image she fronted. Again, her hand latched onto your cheek.
"Are trying to outstretch my cheek and ruin my beautiful face?"
Nayeon grins, pinching both cheeks this time, leaning forward. "If you want a kiss, you can just tell me."
"Gross."
Her lips pucker together, still leaning forward together. If anyone had a superpower, it had to be Mina. Her coming at the right time to save your ass is her speciality at this point. With Jihyo behind, her hands on her hips. "I see this is why you wanted to invite (Y/N) over. Stop preying on the trainees and keep it in your pants Im."
You push her face away and hide behind Mina. "Protect me. I'm scared."
There it is again. The ugly tugging deep in Mina's stomach. A tugging that made her want to throw up. A tugging that stirred a world of confusion inside her, something she hates. Mina hated uncertainty. "Protect yourself." Mina shrugged you off. "I need to get the living room ready."
Nayeon smirks, inching closer to you. "Just the two of us.~" You groan and raise your hands up in defeat. She laughs and slaps your shoulder before dragging you back to the kitchen to continue prepping. Spending time here is a good distraction, a good reminder, you need. You wanted more moments like these in the future. The small fleeting ecstasy.
Closing to an hour, you both finished the last touch for the dish.
"Hey, I know I play around a lot so just let me know if I ever make you uncomfortable, okay?"
You hummed in response, keeping your attention elsewhere.
"I'm serious." Nayeon huffed. She didn't want to push you overboard or be too much. Being honest with herself, she would rather give up kimchi than admit how she enjoyed spending time with you. Although it was only small talk, your presence is dangerously luring. In her words that is.
"I know, bunny." You took note how easily annoyed she can get. "Can you hand me that, please."
Nayeon watches, contemplating if she should ask. It's not her business to know what happened, but then again it is. Since it's her member and friend. She knew Sana's indecisiveness, knew the woman never did know exactly how to handle her own feelings. "Is it okay if I ask about what happened between... you know, you two."
"Nothing happened? She broke up with me. Nothing more, nothing less." You shrugged your shoulders.
"If you need to talk about it, I'm here."
"I'm fine. I cried and moped around, what more do I need to do?"
"Maybe a kiss from this grandma?" Nayeon puckered her lips, again. You stared, bluntly, she never does give up. "-Or not."
Placing the remaining dishes in the sink, you stifled a laugh.
"What? Huh?" She slapped your shoulder. "Fine. You get no kiss."
"Stop abusing me." You rubbed the spot that stung, sticking your tongue to her. Nayeon's hand raised again. Throwing the ends of the green onions at her, you zoomed out the small kitchen into the living room where she chased you.
~
Each organ in your abdomen twisted and churned. It felt as if your tongue swelled more and more each time you spoke. Fingers going numb catching a stolen glance from her. You expected the night to make a dramatic entrance, ready to knock you off your feet and onto your knees, begging for mercy.
Until, you looked up as you felt Tzuyu's hand pat your knee. She pointed at your phone.
'Uncomfortable?'
The tone is informal and a bit difficult to understand, but you knew. Tzuyu still struggled to completely grasp onto the language. So did you, maybe that's why you both grew fond of each other easily. Something you both can relate to. Foreigners who decided to leave everything, everyone, to devote their youth to a future that's unpromised.
You replied with a sticker of a bunny fainting. Her dimpled deepend, replying with her own sticker. It continued, sending stickers to communicate. You liked it, figuring what you both meant, interpreting it in your own way. That is until Jihyo flicked a speck of rice to you two, pointing at the phones. Sulking, you and Tzuyu laid your phones on the table screen-side down.
You cleared your throat, trying to think of a way to start a conversation. You had no idea why it's much harder to talk to her in person. "So this weather, huh."
She shook her head, smiling at the poorly attempt of talking to her.
"Did it snow this bad in Taiwan?"
Tzuyu's hand froze in front of her mouth. It's been so busy since the year, she hasn't gotten time to even think about... home. She hasn't had time to call her parents as much as she would like. The guilt set in. She promised herself she would try her best to be independent, to be ready to face the world on her own. Yet, she still refused to come out of her shell.
"Sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up." You stared down at your plate. "I know it's hard. Being homesick, feeling as if you're alone. Or... as if you're supposed to face everything alone. I just think it's nice to speak of home so you don't feel homesick." Your voice hushes. "We're still learning, huh."
"Sorry." Her nerves untighten. "I didn't mean to.."
"It's fine. I understand." You placed the remaining veggies onto her plate. "You're not eating any meat, at least have these."
Tzuyu's grabs only your fingers, shaking them, bowing her head. Mouthing a 'thank you' in what you assume in Mandarin.
~
The night went smoothly as Nayeon promised. Keeping you and Sana apart to lessen the tension, that somehow still seeped through. Not that anyone else noticed. The other's distracted by a new drinking game the older members came up with until they created a mess on the floor. Still, everyone had fun nevertheless.
You pulled back your fingers from the sole of the shoe, slipping them on. You wanted to help clean up, but Jeongyeon and Jihyo ushered you to the door, insisting it's already late and you're their guest.
"It would be rude of us to make you help." Jeongyeon opened the door, holding a bag in hand, full of bento boxes. "Make sure you let Mina know you got home safely."
Halfway down the hall, a door slams, rapid shuffling behind. You hear your name being called. Tempted to look back one last time. Maybe it can be fixed one last time. Forgive her, one last time. And, you stopped, fighting the urge to turn around with open arms. Standing your ground because you already know what will happen.
And, Sana knows she can make you forget what happened and restart. She wanted to leave too. She wanted to focus only on her career until it became stable, because the future is still unknown. Since meeting you, she swears it's fate that didn't want to play her favor. Sana has always been indecisive. Coming to a fork road, she can't tell what her heart yearned for more.
There were a few nights she thought of dumping everything, leaving everything behind and running away with you. To where? To anywhere, she answered. Anywhere would be better with you. Then maybe she would feel free, she wouldn't feel suffocated. But this, but that. Sana wanted to stop being unsure of her choices.
Her lips parted, ready to tell her speech she's been preparing all night. Yet nothing. Just say something. Anything. Sana mentally screams at herself.
Finally, you let yourself turn. A mixed look of hatred and regret that made the gap grow bigger between you two. "What? " You sighed. "Look, it's late. I need to go."
"I miss you." Sana says, as if she ran for miles and miles just to only say that. A few words that weighed her entire being down.
For a moment the hatred disappeared in your eyes. You shake your head, scoffing. "I really don't understand you."