A/N
This was not what I had planned, but once I started writing, I just kept going in some crazy direction.
Is it sad that no matter what context that its used in, if I hear the word direction, I automatically am like ONE DIRECTION!!!!
Well then.
Love you!
************************************
Harry's POV
I stirred, and automatically threw an arm out to snuggle into Louis's warm, comfortable body.
But my hand landed on cold sheets and pillows instead of Louis.
Groggily, I opened my eyes and looked around.
Then I remembered what happened the previous night.
Automatically, I felt a rush of heat at the memory of pure bliss and want and need. I remembered the comfortable weight of him on top of me, hands all over each other, his soft, breathy moans filling my ears.
I knew it was a mistake. I knew that I should have stopped it.
But it didn't feel like a mistake to me and I had been waiting so long for it.
I had terrible self-control and Louis had seemed to know exactly what to do to me to drive me absolutely mental with pleasure.
I felt a little twinge in my stomach when I considered what Louis might be feeling about this.
Guilt from feeling like he had cheated on Aubrey? Disgust that we had touched each other like that? Betrayal that I hadn't stopped him? Anger that the whole thing had happened in the first place?
I needed to talk to him; I needed to know how he felt.
I stood, my joints cracking and popping as I stretched, and pulled on some pants. I chuckled darkly as I realized they were the pants that Louis had been wearing last night before he had thrown them across my room.
I shuffled out of my room.
"Lou?" I called.
I got no response.
I searched around the flat and came to the conclusion that he had gone out. I checked my phone for messages, but there were none.
'Boo, are you going to be back soon? I miss you xx Hazza'
Part of me knew I should leave him be. He was probably taking a walk or a drive to clear his head. But the other part of me wanted to demand that he come back here so we could talk it out and maybe snog a little bit.
Two hours passed and I felt worth start to gnaw at my stomach.
I knew Louis was a grown man and that he could take care of himself without me pestering him. However, I still felt worried that he hadn't responded to my text.
'Li, have you heard from Lou? Xx Harry'
I sent the same text to Niall and Zayn. The two said they hadn't.
'Yeah, hes st mu plade. Did sonrthinh hsppen wit u giys? Hes acting werd. xx Lidm'
So now I knew two things.
Louis was intentionally avoiding me.
And Liam still couldn't spell.
Despite my guilt, I felt annoyance rise in my chest. Couldn't Louis act like a mature adult for once? His childishness was one of the things I loved about him, but right now, I was really pissed.
We had a problem in our relationship and we needed to fix it.
'He might have managed to convince me to do something I knew he wasn't ready for. I'll spare you the details. xx Harry'
'Thnks. I dnt wsnt to know yur prvate lifr. So wht shud I dp? xx Liam'
I sighed. I knew Louis wanted space, and I respected that. But I wanted him to be here, in my arms. I wanted a lot of things for our relationship, but I couldn't get any of them without him.
'Try and talk to him if you can. But if its not any trouble, just let him stay if he wants. Let him figure things out. xx Harry'
I wanted to go to Liam's and make Louis talk to me. I figured he was distraught about what we had done, but he had to see that maybe there was some good in it. He was moving on.
Sure, yesterday was not a good day to take our relationship to the next level, but we had and there was no way of going back.
'Fne. I'll trll u if hw says ahuthng. xx Liam'
Truthfully, I was kind of scared. What if this was the last straw for Louis and he decided that maybe he really didn't want a relationship? Nervous butterflies exploded in my stomach. I really, really loved him. It stung every time I told him so and each time he never said those three words back to him.
Last night, feeling his hands on my body, I knew I could never let him go. I'd fallen for him hard and fast and I was going to hurt like hell if we ever broke up.
I paced around the flat, wondering what to do. I was worried he was angry that I had lost control and hadn't stopped him. But he had wanted it! I hadn't pressured him at all! He had said he wouldn't regret it, but what if he did?
I knew that his emotions were messed up and he probably had needed an outlet. He had seemed content and relaxed afterwards when we had laid there together.
But I had known all along that it was a horrible idea. I had tried to stop him.
Try stopping your boyfriend while he's giving you a hand job. It's extremely difficult.
Louis's POV
I knew Liam was itching to interrogate me. And I kinda wanted to talk about it as well.
But what was I supposed to say?
'Hey, Li, the reason I'm here is because me and Harry got each other off last night. Multiple times, actually. Did you know he's absolutely brilliant with his mouth and hands? But even though I liked it, I really, really did, I'm kinda confused and guilty. So what should I do?'
Yeah. I wasn't going to say that to innocent Liam.
The silence between us was not comfortable like it typically was. Instead, it was just awkward.
He was texting someone, probably Harry.
My suspicions were confirmed when he spoke a moment later.
"He's worried about you. Why won't you talk to him?"
I stared at the wall across from me, wondering if I stared long enough at it, if it would disappear like I wanted to.
"I mean, he told me why. Obviously, I didn't ask for details. I don't want to know about your guys' sex life," Liam chuckled nervously.
Sex life. Me and Harry now had a sex life. My stomach churned, and I felt my face turn red as I remembered last night.
The way he had never looked more attractive than when he had been squirming with pleasure underneath me. His low, shaky voice babbling nonsense as he came undone. How I could make him do anything I wanted, say anything I wanted just by touching him.
"Lou, you are bright red right now and it's a little uncomfortable for me because I know you're thinking about him naked."
I finally met his eyes, blushing furiously. He had this little smirk on his face like he was pleased.
I raised my eyebrows.
"Li-Li, you shouldn't be thinking dirty things like that. You don't want to ruin your innocent little mind," I cooed.
He grimaced. He hated everyone thinking he was this completely innocent, super responsible guy. He was responsible, there was a reason he was nicknamed Daddy Direction. But when he got out of control, he really knew how to have fun.
And in all honesty, he knew some pretty great dirty jokes.
"Shut up," he muttered, "But seriously. He's really worried that you might break up with him."
Ah, here was the Daddy Direction I knew.
Our brief moment of banter was gone, and now I was starting to get annoyed with him.
What part of 'I don't want to talk about this' didn't he understand?
"Maybe I will," I retorted.
That must have been the wrong thing to say.
Liam's expression darkened into and angry scowl and he slowly stood, crossing his arms.
"You're saying you're willing to break up with somebody because they made you orgasm. That's messed up," he said, his voice low and calm.
Liam rarely yelled. When he got angry, he always got cold and quiet like he was now. It was almost scarier when if he really did yell.
"You don't know anything," I grumbled, avoiding his piercing gaze.
Those kind, brown puppy-dog eyes sure could change into something much harder in a matter of seconds.
"That's where you're wrong Louis. I know a lot about how you work. So what if you got each other off? It's perfectly normal for that to happen in a relationship. I know you feel guilty and confused, Louis, but breaking up with him? That's complete bullshit," Liam said quietly.
I felt myself flush, and I stood as well.
"He should have stopped it! He knew I wasn't ready! It isn't my fault!" I snapped.
My chest twisted uncomfortably, but I ignored it. I was to angry.
I'd held back a lot of my anger yesterday because I really didn't want to hurt Harry. And now I was taking it out on Liam.
"Louis, you really need to grow the hell up and stop childishly pointing the blame at somebody else! It's not like he held you down and forced you to do...things with him! Obviously you didn't stop it either! If I know Harry, he probably did try to stop it, so don't you even dare try saying this is his fault!" Liam exploded.
I flinched slightly, but tried to appear unaffected.
But he really was right. Harry had tried to stop me, he'd tried a few times. I'd told him I wouldn't regret it. But isn't that what I was feeling right now? Regret?
God. Why the hell did Harry even put up with my shit in the first place?
I couldn't help my self from lashing out at Liam to vent my frustrations.
"You know what, Liam? Maybe I should break up with him! I know you think that he doesn't deserve what I put him through! You'd be so happy if we split up, wouldn't you? Maybe I'll just call him now and tell him it's over so you'll quit freaking out at me!" I hissed.
Liam stiffened, and he slowly walked towards me, his expression completely blank.
I instinctively flinched backwards, praying he wouldn't hit me.
He stopped when he was a foot away, but, I couldn't stop cringing every time he moved even the slightest.
"Do you even understand how much he loves you? You probably don't. You can't, can you? You have no idea of how much it hurts him to think you might not love him back. If you broke up with him over something so stupid, you'd effectively destroy him. You'd completely shatter his heart and quite frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of your drama, Louis. Yeah, I get it. You're scared of being in a relationship again. We all understand it. And yeah, the anniversary was yesterday, so you're a little sensitive. But I'd like you to realize how much shit you put him through, and at the end of the day, he's still by your side, loving you no matter what you do to him. Did you know that yesterday, he called Niall after you threw your phone at him? He was scared, Louis, but he wasn't scared for himself. He was scared for you. He refused to leave even though he might have been in danger. He stayed because he didn't want you to be alone if you needed him. He was willing to let you hurt him not just mentally, but physically. If that's not love, I don't know what is. And if you break up with him, that will be the most fucked up thing you can ever possibly do. And I will personally make sure he never forgives you."
I couldn't speak. I couldn't move.
I just stood there, shocked at Liam's rant. I knew Harry loved me, and I'd always wondered why. I was so mean sometimes.
I'd scared us both yesterday when I had thrown my phone at his head. Something had taken over me and I'd wanted to hurt him so badly. So I'd thrown it as hard as I could. I could almost hear the sickening thunk of it hitting his skull; I could see him crumpling to the floor. I felt nauseous knowing that I had actually wanted to hurt him.
But even though I was a legitimate threat, he'd stayed.
He'd stayed because he loved me that much.
I felt my eyes prickle and sting, but I didn't want to cry. I lowered my gaze to the floor so Liam wouldn't see me struggling.
"Lou, all the poor lad wants is for you to love him back. He wants it so badly that it hurts him," Liam said. His tone was much more gentle now.
"Is it really so hard just to tell him that you love him?" he added.
My eyes snapped up.
"Yes. It is, Liam. But why the hell would you try and understand? All you care about is what he's feeling! You don't give a shit about how much I'm hurting right now!" I snarled.
I turned and stormed out of his flat. I was sick of people thinking that I was perfectly okay.
Liam didn't get it! He couldn't. He hadn't had his heart broken as badly as mine had been. I wasn't ready to take such a big step and admit to everyone, including myself, that maybe I loved somebody again.
Harry understood though. He had to, didn't he?
I suddenly wanted nothing more than for him to hold me and tell me everything was okay; he would wait forever for me to be ready.
Harry was strong. He couldn't really be hurting that much, could he? He had to know that I cared for him more than a friend. Whether or not it was love, I wasn't ready to try and find out. But he knew it, he was smart. Liam was exaggerating. I really wasn't hurting Harry that much by not saying that I loved him, right?
But what if I was? What if I honestly was?
No. I wasn't. He was fine. I was the one who needed him to get better. I couldn't give him what Liam had said that he wanted.
So I was going to hope that maybe Liam had been exaggerating.
The thing was, Liam never exaggerated. He told things like they were.
But there's a first time for everything, right?
I opened the door to the flat, and hesitantly stepped inside.
Almost instantaneously, another achingly familiar body crashed into mine.
"I was so worried that you had left for good. That maybe you'd gotten so scared that you wouldn't ever come back," Harry mumbled into my hair.
I stood there, stiff. I wasn't really sure how to comfort him. He was always the one who comforted me.
He stepped back, and looked at me, his green eyes wide and uncertain.
"Are you mad, Lou? I tried to stop, I really did! But God, Boo, you're so...irresistible!" he sighed, almost dreamily.
I bit my lip and closed the door, walking into our flat. He watched me carefully, and a little bit warily.
"Maybe...maybe we should take a break. Things are going too fast," I mumbled.
I forced myself to look at him.
His expression literally brought tears to my eyes and I knew Liam hadn't been exaggerating.
It genuinely looked like he had been told that his mother or someone died.
"What? No, Boo! Boo, you...we...I...," he frantically stammered.
His eyes were wide and already overflowing with tears that slipped out and rolled down his face. He took a quick, shaky breath.
"Are you...are we b-breaking up?" he whimpered.
He looked so small and innocent that I couldn't bring myself to say 'yes', even though that had been my intent.
"Harry...I..."
Apparently I couldn't bring myself to say much at all. The guilt was overwhelming. I could literally feel my heart break.
He looked down at the ground, scratching his wrist.
"Okay. If that's what you want. Just...know that I love you, okay?" he sniffed. He started to turn away.
I grabbed his wrist, and forced him to face me. His eyes widened further and he flinched.
He thought I was going to hurt him. The broken bits of my heart shattered.
I desperately crushed my lips to his.
"Maybe I didn't mean that. I don't want to be away from you for a single second. I need you, Harry. I need you so much. I know that being with me only hurts you, and maybe I'm being selfish for saying this, but no. I'm not breaking up with you. Forget I ever suggested it," I growled in his ear.
He was shaking like a leaf.
"Ow, Lou! You're hurting me," he squeaked, squirming.
I let go of his wrist in an instant.
In a few seconds, long, red finger-shaped marks appeared on his skin. Little crescent-moon-shaped dents in his skin showed where I had dug my nails in. I was horrified and sick to my stomach.
I turned away.
"Lou? Boobear, it's alright love. It doesn't hurt," he said quickly.
"I just...I just abused you. I'm an abusive person," I said slowly.
Harry walked in front of me and gently cupped my face, making me look at him.
"Boo, no, you aren't. You got worked up and gripped me a little tightly. It's fine, okay? It's just like getting a little rough while having sex. No big deal. You didn't do it out of anger," he said calmly, a little smirk on his face at the sex part.
I still couldn't look him in the eyes.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled, "It's okay if you want to leave."
Then he was kissing me, kissing me hard and long and passionately.
He finally broke away from me, both of us gasping for air.
"Louis. William. Tomlinson. I. Am. Not. Leaving. You," he growled, his voice a low rumble, "Actually, I think it's cute that you need me so much that you held me to tightly."
He thought the fact that he was going to be bruised because of me was cute?
He must have seen my expression, because he quickly backtracked.
"Boo, it's just like giving me a lovebite, just with your hand, see?" Harry murmured.
He pulled the collar of his shirt down, exposing a gigantic bruised mark, I felt a little rush of pride knowing that I had done that and that he had absolutely loved it.
He actually kind of did have a point though.
I still couldn't shake the overwhelming guilt for hurting him.
He sighed and pulled me in for a tight, comforting hug.
I buried my nose in his neck and shut my eyes tightly, breathing in his scent. He smelled delicious.
"Did you shower today? You smell good enough to eat" I mumbled, my lips brushing against his skin.
He chuckled softly and I felt his throat vibrate.
"Yeah. I was a little...messy after last night," he said, "Not like I wouldn't mind getting messy again, though."
My eyes flew open and my heart beat accelerated. How the hell did he manage to be so damn irresistible?
"Sorry. I didn't mean to, you know...I know you regret it," he mumbled.
I wasn't sure how to reply. Right now I was very, very turned on, but I didn't want to do anything that I would regret and cause Me to get angry.
"No, it's okay. Keep talking," I murmured, letting my teeth bite into his neck.
Harry sucked in a breath and I felt him tense when he understood the meaning of my words.
"No, Lou. I don't want you to get upset again," he sighed, prying me off his throat that I was effectively covering in little lovebites.
I pouted and attached myself to him again, grinding my hips against his.
Harry moaned softly in my ear and my stomach flipped.
"I know you want it. I saw you last night, desperate and needy. My little Hazzabear is a filthy little thing," I murmured.
"No...no," he gasped, weakly struggling, "We aren't doing this again. I don't want to wake up and find you missing and upset again. I like snuggling with you in the morning too much."
All thoughts of Aubrey gone, I backed him against the wall and dropped to my knees, peering innocently up at him through my eyelashes.
Slowly pulling down his sweatpants, my pants actually, and exposing his erection, I smirked.
"Are you really sure that you don't want this?" I murmured.
He shook his head automatically, eyes shut tight, but it turned into a desperate nod.
"You don't want this," he mumbled weakly.
"As long as you return the favor, hell yes I want this," I growled.
Kissing him on the forehead gently while we lay in his bed later, I decided that I was completely torn.
Did I like this new part of our relationship?
Definitely.
Was I emotionally ready for this to be a permanent part of our relationship?
I didn't know.
Was I ready to go all the way?
Definitely not. I doubted that he was either.
His loud snores by my ear actually made me relax. The other boys couldn't understand how I put up with Harry's ridiculously loud snoring, but I just shrugged and admitted that I found it cute and kind of relaxing.
It was like listening to someone breathing, just louder. And I was a loud person by nature, so it didn't really bother me.
Harry's arms tightened around my waist suddenly and his snores abruptly stopped.
His eyes fluttered open and he smiled sleepily at me.
"Why aren't you asleep?" he asked.
"I was just thinking. But now I'm worn out, so I think I will go to sleep," I sighed. I snuggled into his arms a little further.
I shifted downwards so my ear was by his heart. Listening to the steady beating made my eyelids immediately go heavy and all my tense muscles went lax.
"I love you, Boobear. So, so, so much. I'll always love you, no matter what," Harry said softly.
My stomach flip-flopped with guilt.
"Good-night, Hazzabear," I mumbled.
I knew he wanted to hear something else.
But I just couldn't say it.