Dear Journal?
Lately I've been feeling okay. Almost too okay. There are still days when I suffocate under the pressure of being me and days when I drown in the waves of not feeling like myself.
But still most days I catch myself unconsciously smiling at my reflection and laughing at the small things again. Even the once seemingly endless thoughts have been awfully silent.
Yet I can't seem to scratch away the feeling that they have only stopped to catch their breath long enough to yell even louder. Because somehow, deep down I know that this is only the calm before the storm.
The deafening silence before you feel the ache of an explosion. I just wonder how long this one will last.
How long before the darkness creeps it's way back up into my life and everything engulfs me in the familiar warmth of its arms.
So goodbye for now,
Amore, xx
Its surprisingly been three months now since I've been living with the Knights. Everyday I have written in this journal, whether it be a poem, a small paragraph, or a letter up to three or more pages long.
I have been on a few missions since being here and I'm grateful for that. Carlo has been forcing Rico away from me and has been extra careful with me since I told him everything.
He's also stopped with the girls he would bring over. It went from one every two days, to two every week to now none.
We haven't thought about the marriage and honestly we've not really cared for it. We're going on a mission tonight since we have found out the same guy from the mall, Ramon, will be there and has put a bounty on our heads.
It's actually really funny.
But I get to race tonight and that makes me happy. Carlo said he's going to be in the car with me just in case. I don't know what he expects from me, I'm just going to race and win money.
Who doesn't love money?
I close my journal and hide it in my pillow case before walking downstairs into the kitchen where Rose is.
"Morning Mama Bear" I announce as I sit down at the kitchen counter.
"Morning" She smiles and passes me a plate of sandwiches.
I've been working on my eating and body positivity for a while now. I'm starting to gain a little weight which is good because my ribs aren't as noticeable anymore as Rose says.
But I don't like it. It's unusual.
"I'm going to take Isabella shopping. Make sure you eat today" She speaks hastily as she picks up her handbag to leave.
I smile.
A smile masks everything.
"I will"
She waves goodbye and walks out of the kitchen.
I didn't lie. I will eat. I'll eat until I can't anymore. Until I feel like I'm going to explode. Until there's nothing left in the kitchen. I'll eat. Until the number on the scale has risen so much it can't anymore.
And then I'll go to the bathroom, and as I splash water on my face and the cold porcelain of the water touches my skin. As the feeling of fullness leaves my body with every heave I'll reset.
I'll watch the number on the scale go back to what it was. And start over.
So yes, I'll eat. But once i start I feel like I'll never stop.
Yes, I'll eat. But no one ever asks if it'll stay.
I finish my sandwiches and a pack of chips and Rico walks in. My eyes scan the kitchen and it's just us two.
"Now, now. I just want to talk" He comes and sits close next to me his hand on my knee.
"Don't touch me" I grit out.
He squeezes my knee harshly. "Is that any way to talk to me! Would you talk to your father like that?" He shouts.
"N-No" I stutter. Stop stuttering you weirdo.
He walks two of his fingers up my leg until it's high up on my thigh and I try to move, his nails dig into my leg.
I start to feel bile rise in my throat as he plays with my waist band. "Your father said you're good in bed" He whispers.
"Don't touch me" I say as strongly as I can.
I grab his wrist and move his hand away. This aggravates him and he slaps me. My head snaps to the side and I cower back.
Worthless.
Can't even fight back.
Why even try?
Only good enough to be used!
"You're wrong" I whisper to the voices.
Rico smirks at me and I stand up walking with my hands out in front of me and shaking my head trying to make the voices stop.
Rico smiles devilishly at me and walks up to me. "Stop. Stop. Stop" I repeat over and over again. He takes a hold of my wrists and places one of my hands over his erection moving it up and down.
I'm going to be sick.
I try to pull my hand away but he forces it there. There's a creak of a floorboard and he lets go, panting slightly.
I look away to the side feeling disgusted in myself. "We'll finish this after your mission" he whispers into my ear.
I run out of the kitchen and up the stairs, I don't watch where I'm going and run into Carlo. "Hey, hey. Amore" He tries to reach out and touch me but I flinch.
I don't flinch because of him, I flinch because I can't see him. I only see my father and a shadow of the guys that did it to me in the dark room, but I also see Rico now.
"Stop" I start to feel my eyes well with tears but I swallow them down.
Stop crying. You're being pathetic.
I shake my head and place my hands over my ears. "Shut up" I whisper. I run past Carlo and go to my room then the bathroom.
I go to close the door but a foot stops it.
"Please don't" I cry out.
"Adelaide" Warm hands cup my face and I sob harder "It's Carlo. It's me."
I look into the familiar green eyes and focus on the little golden specks. My breathing and crying slowly calm down.
I move away from his hands and wipe my tears and turn the shower on. I walk into the water fully clothed and slide down the wall, my head on my knees and my hands around my head.
Grabbing a ruff sponge I put as much soap as I can on it and start to scrub my hand as hard as I can.
"Off. Off. Off" I mutter repeatedly as I scrub hard.
I look up at Carlo who's standing at the door of the shower. "It won't come off" I sob and show him my hand. I look back at my hand "Why won't you come off?"
He steps into the shower with his clothes on as well and sits in front of me, placing his legs on either side of me.
He takes my hands in his and stops me from scrubbing. "What won't come off?" He questions. I shake my head no. He's going to hate me. "Baby, you need to tell me so I can help" He whispers, rubbing his thumb on my cheek and pushes back my wet hair.
I take the sponge back and scrub my hand until it's red. He once again takes it away from me and pulls me into him. His arms forming a protective barrier around me. My hands scrunch the front of his shirt as I cry into his neck.
"Just tell me the name"
I shake my head again. He pulls my face away from his neck and cups my jaw, he kisses my tears that spilled down my cheeks and then my nose and chin.
"Please baby. I'm begging you" He whispers again looking me in the eye.
My body shakes and I pull him close to me. "R-Rico" I hiccup.
"I shouldn't have left you alone" He whispers to himself.
Now you're making him blame himself. Way to go Adelaide.
"I'm sorry"
He shushes me and hugs me closer. "Don't say that" He kisses the top of my head and rocks us until I stop crying.
"We don't have to go tonight," Carlo whispers in my ear.
I shake my head "I'm okay"
"Do you want to get ready now?"
I nod my head and stand up as he does as well.
"I'm going to be standing right outside that door whilst you shower okay?" He points to the bathroom door.
I nod my head and he leaves so I can shower.
I wash my body and then step out to brush my teeth. I wrap a bathrobe around me and towel dry my hair.
Walking out and Carlo looks down at me, I walk past him and grab my clothes and other things I need to get ready with and walk out of my room to his room and place my things on his bed.
Carlo walks in and smiles a little when he sees what I've done. He closes the door behind him and locks it.
"I'll only be in there okay?" He asks, pointing to the bathroom door.
I nod my head and he walks in. I hear the bathroom door lock and wait for the shower to start before I get dressed.