"How prevalent was it?"
"It lessened. Thanks, it actually helped." He smiled at his therapist, "I managed to stay focused enough to change the outcome." Doctor Jung tilted his head in confusion and he chuckled, pride exuding out of him as he explained, "The first autopsy report ruled the cause of death as asphyxiation and the second one stated the cause of death was due to blood loss."
"I see. How did you discover that?"
"It was brought to my attention during a recess." He lied and glanced away, but his therapist reminded him of the promise he made before embarking on therapy, "Okay, fine." He chuckled again, "Moonbyul retrieved it months ago but it wasn't something I paid much attention to. It was sitting there in one of the boxes, just collecting dust."
"So, you managed to change Jackson Styles' sentence from 2nd-degree murder to 1st--"
"Meaning more jail time."
"Wow." Doctor Jung gasped in bafflement, "That's quite incredible."
"I am an incredible guy." He said with a smile.
"You did this while dealing with your core belief?" He nodded at his therapist, "That's really impressive, Jungkook. Beforehand," Doctor Jung paused as he began to write down on his notepad, "Let's be honest, you wouldn't have been able to focus and change your deep-rooted cognitive behavior."
He nodded, agreeing to his therapist's assessments, "I guess the process is happening."
"I would say so."
He eyed Doctor Jung and they exchanged a brief satisfied look. He was sure his therapist felt some kind of excitement to be able to assist him with the tools he had taught. He sure was.
There must have been something in it for the good Doctor that wasn't entirely a need to help others but that he, too, had something deep-rooted lingering from within.
"So, your automatic thought," Doctor Jung began as he flipped the pages on his notepad, "I'm wasteful, I'm useless. How true are they now?"
"Well, on an intellectual level I've always known I wasn't a waste of time nor useless to anyone."
"Right, it was dormant, stemming from your childhood because of your Mother."
He noticed his therapist's hand movements and realized he marked down two lines under something. Presumably the topic of his Mother, but as much as Doctor Jung or anyone tried, he would never talk about her. Not to anyone that wasn't Yoongi. Despite Taehyung's interest, yours, or Doctor Jung's, the topic of his Mother was something he consciously avoided.
"Yes, that sounds about right."
"So, how true was your automatic thought? You had that talk with your ex. You obsessed over it. Blamed yourself for her pain and the cycle continued. 'I'm wasteful, I'm useless'. She left you, she abandoned you. You deserve to be punished. You're not worth loving. 'Everyone leaves'. And so forth." Doctor Jung gazed up from the notepad and removed his glasses, "These were some of the things you said shows up in your head when something bad happens." He nodded, bravely arguing with his heart which had a need to tremble. "Something bad did happen, Jungkook, you broke up with someone who meant the world to you."
"She still does."
"And yet you could shift that negative energy, those crippling emotions and thoughts you felt about the situation and use it more proactively."
He could feel his entire body tensing.
The memory of seeing you break down in front of him, struggling to breathe, made him realize - despite his innate need to care for you - that he did hurt you. Whether it was intentional or not.
"How do you feel about that?"
"I guess," he paused as he sank deeper into the leather couch, contemplating the week that had passed, "Empty."
"Empty?"
He eyed his therapist who had a puzzled look on his face, "Well, yeah. I, um...that's what I feel." He said with a shrug.
Doctor Jung flipped some pages on his notepad and wrote it down, "What does empty mean? Do you feel like the two challenges I gave you were too hard or perhaps, do you feel like the outcome wasn't something you expected?"
"Don't get me wrong, Hoseok," he chuckled as he straightened in his seat, "It was good. Really good. It was hard at first to not think about it--"
"Your ex? The talk?"
He nodded, "Yeah, it was kind of pathetic. I kept thinking and obsessing. I felt like we hadn't really broken up before. But after that night and seeing her like that, I think I realized as I told you last session, the g-good didn't outweigh the bad."
"Do you believe that?"
"My heart doesn't but my mind knows it." He glanced away from his therapist, his leg shaking violently as the memory of you struggling to breathe surfaced once more.
It wasn't the first time he caused a panic attack. Last he had done so, you had slapped him when he pushed your buttons. It was deserved. He hated himself for allowing you to witness his manic moments. Self-sabotaging and fucking reckless. It was surprising you never left sooner.
Dealing with the aftermath of Namjoon and reverting back to the girl you were when he first abused you couldn't have been easy. He didn't do shit to help your process. He destroyed it.
No wonder you eventually did leave.
You shouldn't have been around him when those days took over. He couldn't blame you. He, himself, shouldn't have been around anyone. You didn't owe him an apology. You had every right to tap out; for your health and your sanity.
"And sleeping with each other couldn't help neutralize your emotions? Reset them as you so eloquently expressed during our last session."
"No." But he hoped.
Even sex couldn't salvage how broken you were. It had in the past. It could numb you long enough to forget the hurt, talk the pain away, and come together somehow.
But that was no longer the case. As heavenly as it felt to drown with you, prolong the inevitable storm, you couldn't. The process you were making individually with Doctor Jung was counterproductive.
Your hearts desired one thing for yourselves but your need as a couple was something entirely different and those, unfortunately, clashed.
"Well, if you know the good doesn't outweigh the bad. Why do you feel empty then?"
He thought long about the question, digging deep as Doctor Jung often encouraged. And the only thing he could think of was how you were no longer his.
He had to realize it one day.
You weren't good for each other, hadn't been since day one but something kept it going. Whether it was true love or not, he didn't know and he even toyed with the idea that you were his soulmate too, but a part of him kept returning to what he said in the heat of the moment.
Love wasn't supposed to be hard.
It felt as though you brought the worse out of each other. No, that wasn't true. You didn't, not always.
It was more so as if you both brought out the deepest fears and unresolved issues in each other.
Like a mirror, when he was with you, he was the best version of himself but also the ugliest.
The devastating truth kept staring back at him.
You made him smile but you also made him cry. You forced eternal happiness in him but you also crushed it. And he did the same to you as well.
There was no going around it, despite the hope he carried around since you left him. The good didn't outweigh the bad regardless of how desperate he was.
"Because I found the love of my life and lost it," he said with a defeated tone, "And now I don't know how to live without it. But I'll try."
➰
He unbuckled the belt and took his nephew out of the car seat before knocking at the front door that belonged to Lisa and Moonbyul.
Lisa greeted them and took Taemin from his hip as he carried the toddlers belongings inside.
Jennie sent him a text asking if he could pick up his nephew. She had an emergency with her publisher and couldn't get a hold of Yoongi.
When he tried to call his brother, the call went straight to voicemail. He wondered where he was and what kept him from picking up his son but he made it a point to try again once he had dropped Taemin off at his Godparents'.
"What's all of this?"
He scanned the open kitchen and dining room that was not only neatly cleaned, dimly lit but the table was set romantically.
"Hot date?"
"I was hoping Moonbyul would show but she bailed on me. Again." Lisa said with a hint of sadness in her voice.
"What is she doing?"
"You tell me." She shot him a stern look, presumably because she was accusing him of taking up her lover's time. "She's probably too occupied collecting information for you."
"To not show for this delicious dinner?" He smiled nervously with his arms out.
She giggled, "Don't worry, Jungkook, you won't be the object of my wrath tonight." She placed Taemin on the high chair by the table and wiped his chubby hands clean, "I made spaghetti." She glanced up at him with a smile, "Care to join us?"
After his session with Doctor Jung, he went straight to his physiotherapist and trained for two hours before getting his heart monitored by his family Doctor and then getting his blood drawn.
He had been experiencing some rather mean headaches and some sleep deprivation after his new medication. And due to the pressure and stress he was encountering in court, he figured he'd spend one day dealing with practical affairs, getting it out of the way before spending his evening and night on preparing for the witnesses who would take the stand next week.
Picking up Taemin and dining with Lisa, however, weren't in his plans. And although he was surprised she suggested it - seeing how actively he went out of his way to not spend any alone time with her - he was taken aback by the suggestion.
When he first met Lisa, she was dressed in a rather skimpy attire, working as one of Mr. Styles' girls at the high-end strip club he owned.
The memory of her smelling like cherries, straddling his lap, and flirting heavily made him uncomfortable. He was attracted to her then, long before he discovered Moonbyul had an interest in her, still was unfortunately.
"I think you should stay and eat a little before you go." She voiced and ordered him to sit and he diligently obeyed.
Lisa was much like Moonbyul in some way, however, in other ways she differed. She was hotheaded, sure, but she was kind, and above anything else, she was a woman who could tame his friend.
He was surprised to witness their dynamic together.
Moonbyul had always been a woman he considered brutally honest and disgustingly nonchalant about everything and everyone who wasn't her family. In fact, he had never seen her befriend people, let alone date someone seriously.
She never went out of her way to reach out to anyone like the self-sufficient person she was but strangely enough, she was an extrovert and incredibly approachable and likable. She could make people fall for her and he assumed that was how she retrieved the information she sought.
And somehow, Lisa could make Moonbyul pause long enough to break her selfish ways and allow someone new in.
He adored their relationship. They seemed like friends. He never asked about how they came to be, not wanting to hear about the ventures of how Lisa was an A-girl for Mr. Styles' sleazy business.
But something happened and Moonbyul somehow convinced Lisa to become her partner in crime and investigate the owner too.
They were eerily similar, a match made in heaven and he envied how easily they balanced each other, often catching himself wondering why it was so hard for him and you.
➰
He was enjoying a cold beer when he heard Lisa reenter the dining room. He smiled at her delighted gasp. While she was giving Taemin a quick bath and putting him to bed, he wanted to express gratitude for the fulfilling meal she had prepared and made sure to clean the kitchen.
It was the first time he had indulged in her cooking skill and he had to admit she was rather great.
Moonbyul missed out on some pleasant-tasting dish.
Lisa opened the fridge to retrieve a bottle of her own and he couldn't help but notice the change in her outfit. Earlier, she had a crop top on with baggy jeans and she had now changed to an oversized hoodie with her slender legs bare.
He hastily glanced away when he spotted the hem of the sweater crawl up as she bent over, exposing more of her smooth legs.
He shouldn't spend time alone with her.
Every time he was around her, his thoughts became a little too raunchy for his liking.
He still remembered how her pillow lips graced his while she circled her hips on his clothed shaft back at the strip club.
Doctor Jung explained it was normal to feel as he did as long as he didn't act on them. However, it felt as though he had no control over his thoughts as of late.
He made a mental note to tell this to his therapist. It wasn't the first time impulses grew more erratic and it would only be a matter of time before he gave into them. Perhaps he needed a stronger dose of his medication or maybe these new ones weren't giving him the desired effect. Had he some control, he wouldn't have slept with Ji-eun or IU or whatever the fuck else she wanted him to call her.
Oh, man!
The sheer panic he was feeling when his sister-in-law's text message came through.
He was praying and wishing throughout the car ride before picking Taemin up from the nursery that he wouldn't run into her. What the hell would he tell her? Well, it was obvious, despite how good it felt to be inside of someone with whom he didn't have an emotional connection, that he had no interest to pursue anything with her.
She was too crazy.
After the sex, regardless of his internal need for her to leave, she spent the night and the morning.
He made her breakfast but hoped she would eventually go home. However, he almost fell to his knees in defeat when he learned she wanted to spend additional time with him.
Thankfully, it was Friday and his session with Doctor Jung began at 10 AM, so she did leave but not before entering the shower with him. He definitely shouldn't have allowed her to suck his dick. Stupid.
He was practically entertaining the crazy and sure enough, since this morning he had received fifteen different messages expressing how much she enjoyed their second date. Fucking delusional.
One of these days, preferably the sooner the better, he should invite her to coffee and make his intentions clear; he had zero interest in being her anything.
"Cheers." Lisa smiled before taking a sip and asked him about his day.
Hmm. Perhaps he didn't need to think of what to say. Lisa was a woman, a bi-sexual woman sure, but a woman nonetheless. He was certain if he made the effort and got to know her as a friend, he could stop thinking of her as someone he was attracted to.
So, he did.
He told Lisa about the crazy woman who wore a pink wig that showed up at his place and whom he slept with like the moron he was.
He rolled his eyes and accepted his fate when Lisa burst out laughing at his misfortune, wheezing as she kept repeating the word Ji-eun called him that forced every inch of him to cringe.
"It's not that funny."
"Kind of is though." She continued to laugh at his expense, "Taemin's nursery teacher is a freak." She took a sip before chuckling to herself, "Daddy!"
"I regret telling you."
"No, no. Please, this is the best thing I've heard all week." She tried to contain her laughter as she asked, "Was it good at least?"
He eyed her and noticed his attraction to his friend's girlfriend disappearing. Like a bubble bursting right before his eyes. Lisa simply became a person; a pretty woman, sure, but she seemed less attractive. She was talking to him as though she was Moonbyul and he had to admit he appreciated how easy she made it to talk to her.
➰
He stopped for gas before glancing down his wristwatch and grunted at the hour. 9.42 PM. His plans for the evening had to be put on hold until the weekend. He was having such a wonderful conversation with Lisa that time slipped away.
With his wallet in hand, he entered the gas station and greeted the young and ghostly slender man with long hair behind the counter.
Before paying for the gas, however, he noticed the fridge of cold beverages and decided to reach for a six-pack. Work wasn't a priority tonight. He could rest or perhaps catch up on some television shows.
"Card or cash?" The man asked and his high-pitched voice took him aback momentarily.
"Card."
Then the sound of the bell above the door rang and he glanced in its direction to then spot your friend, Seokjin, staring back at him with a baffled look.
"Jungkook?"
"Jin, hi." He stretched his hand, surprised to see the man he hadn't thought of since his wedding. "Wow, how are you?"
"What's this?" He shoved his hand away and embraced him into a long hug, "Man, I'm fine. I'm good, really good."
"That's great." He eyed the young man behind the counter who cleared his throat to catch their attention, "Oh, right. I'm paying with card."
➰
Stepping out of the gas station, he watched as Seokjin poured gasoline in his car's tank.
Last he'd seen him, he was expressing how nervous he was to no longer be a free man.
He remembered your step-brother encouraging Seokjin and how grateful he felt that you had such good influences in your life.
Both Seokjin and Jimin seemed like men you could rely on and that was important to him. He wasn't a prominent person in your life any longer and it felt good to know they would have your back and protect you to their best abilities.
"How's married life treating you?" He leaned against his car door after placing the six-pack inside.
"Alright. Solar and I are having fun. I think we might be done with the honeymoon stage though."
He wasn't sure if he could ask intimate questions. Jin wasn't exactly his friend but yet, he gathered the courage and asked, "You guys good? You're not fighting, right?"
Seokjin chuckled and he couldn't help but smile at the unique sound of his windshield laugh, "Not real ones. Just petty fights. If I haven't learned to put the toilet seat down by now, I probably won't learn any time soon."
"I wouldn't know." He shrugged with a smile, "I didn't grow up with women complaining about that."
"Lucky. Though I'm pretty sure--" he bit his tongue and awkwardly shifted.
"It's alright." He chuckled while reassuring, "You can say her name around me. Let's not pretend I didn't date your friend."
Suddenly, the air between them felt weird. He caught his gaze but Seokjin ripped them away as he focused on the gasoline.
It felt as though he wanted to say something but another thing was holding him back. He wasn't sure if he wanted to ask about you, pry a little further or perhaps ask something entirely different.
So, like the open book he was, he said, "Go ahead."
"Huh?"
He folded his arms, "Whatever you're thinking, let it out." He shot your friend a smile.
"Oh no. It's nothing like that. She told me you guys broke up and it was hard." You didn't tell your best friend the real reason? Perhaps he didn't know how hard you both had it after everything that happened. "I was just wondering how your shoulder was doing."
"Oh." He glanced away from him and lowered his gaze, "It's getting better. I can carry my own body weight but it still hurts." He felt his voice cracking, anger brewing from within but he hastily redirected, attempting to shut down the emotion before it surfaced, "How's your leg?"
"You know, you were there. I'm glad I don't have any permanent damage. At least I have a pretty mean scar."
"Yeah, your recovery was fast. I'm glad you used the wedding as a motivator. And Jimin," he shook his head in bafflement, "Trauma doesn't seem to face that man."
"Well, he had a concussion. He wasn't shot like the rest of us." He eyed Seokjin as he paid for the gas, "You should come check out the new place we got." He suddenly said, surprising him briefly, "It'll be fun. We can make it a guys night. Have a couple of beers, maybe catch a game, talk about how much we hate Namjoon."
Every fiber of his being tensed. The sound of your ex-fiancé's name made him want to punch something, preferably him. He should have taken advantage when he had gained the upper hand of the fight and bash his head in that evening.
"I don't want to talk about Namjoon."
"Oh, I know. I don't either." Seokjin sighed, "Sorry, I know you were having a tough time dealing with it."
"She told you?"
"I kind of feel bad about not reaching out." He nodded at his question as his voice grew small, "He was my friend too. I just didn't know how to or what I could even say, you know?" He exhaled as Seokjin approached his car, "I was kind of dealing with it myself."
"I know. Besides you weren't obligated to talk to me. I wasn't expecting you to reach out or anything. We aren't exactly friends."
Seokjin shrugged and they eyed each other momentarily while inaudibly expressing their apologies before they took each other's hands in a quick handshake.
Your friend then reached for his phone and asked for his number.
Curiosity got the better of him as he watched Seokjin saved his number, "It's crazy how he's trying to get her attention again." He shot him a puzzled look and he realized you hadn't told him, "She received a letter from Namjoon."
"What? When?"
"Almost three weeks ago. I ran into her again and she showed me the letter." Was it supposed to be secret? He couldn't quite wrap his head around why you wouldn't tell your best friend about your ex reaching out. Please, don't start losing your voice again, Shorty. "Jin, he's just as crazy as he was then."
"What the fuck? No, she didn't tell me." Seokjin ran his fingers through his brown locks as frustration exuded out of him, "Three weeks ago? Really? She was at my place."
"Oh right, the housewarming. She told me about it. How was that?" He attempted to redirect the conversation but failed.
"She knew about the letter then and didn't tell me? I can't believe this."
"It might have slipped her mind."
"The maniac is still out there and something that big conveniently slipped her mind? I doubt it."
"Well maybe she had a reason." He eyed your best friend who was clearly distraught about the revelation, "Look Jin, I don't want to cause bullshit between you."
He sighed in defeat, cursing at himself for even engaging in a conversation with your friend.
He had no right telling anyone about anything in your life. However, a part of him wondered what the hell you were doing.
Seokjin had every reason to see Namjoon behind bars after the shit he put everyone through. Your friend was equally effected from the aftermath of his supposed love if not more.
He, himself, had only known Namjoon for a couple of years but Seokjin, however, had grown up with the bastard.
He remembered when he came to his hospital room after his surgery and expressed his frustration and how wrong he was about his childhood friend's character. Namjoon didn't only fuck with you but with Seokjin as well. He always figured he was the sole person you'd lean on about your ex.
You both loved him, in different ways but it was love nonetheless. And he wondered why you'd push away the only person who could help you heal.
Right this moment as he stared into Seokjin's chocolate-colored eyes, he could sense a need of some kind.
"What's your plans for tonight?" He smirked at him and received a mischievous smile back, "If you don't have to be home anytime soon, let's ditch these cars and hit a bar."
He couldn't quite understand why he had a need to befriend Seokjin. But something told him he should try. He'd always liked him and he seemed like the type of man who was easygoing.
It could be good for him to spend time away from court, away from worrying about his family, the stage the auto-shop was in, and his responsibilities.
A part of him knew how royally fucking stupid it was to hang out with a man whom you considered a great friend. Especially after what transpired between you. However, another part of him saw a man who shared the same unique experience and whom probably felt the same. And that kind of understanding was reassuring.
He didn't know he was seeking someone other than you until he had run into your best friend.