"You kissed Stone!"
"What?!"
"You did didn't you? I'm so fucking right!"
I've just staggered through the door from the cab Stone and I shared home. Stone's fast asleep in the backseat, snoring his pretty little head off and being whisked home by a very helpful and understanding driver.
"This is a giant bag of approximately twelve tacos," I announce, suppressing a burp and waving the large paper bag in front of Kev's face, "if you are mean to me you get precisely zero!"
"Fuck the tacos, I want the scandal!" Kev cries, "Samantha Greene you slut!"
I let my jacket fall on the floor and wobble to the kitchen to drink from the faucet like a thirsty dog, lapping the water as though my life depends on it. I wipe my mouth on my sleeve and head towards the sofa, collapsing face down onto it. I hear a rustling sound next to me as Kev takes the bag and starts devouring my leftovers.
"No tacos, you're mean!" I mumble.
"You can have them back if you tell me. I'm right though, I can tell. Your lips look all...used!" Kev laughs with a mouthful of food. I groan and roll over onto my back.
"You're as bad as my fucking mother," I moan.
"She called today, again."
I swat that piece of information away with my hands.
"Anyway back to what you were saying Sam, about kissing Stone..." Kev tries sneakily.
"A-ha! I'm not falling for that matey!" I vaguely point at him and then sigh, "but yes I did."
Kev's eyebrows shoot upwards at a rate of knots. "But it's not a bad thing, not at all, because he's my brother now and I love him and he loves me, very much" I grin sloppily.
"Okaaaaay?" Kev looks confused.
"We kissed to see what it was like, and it was weird, really fuckin' weird," I furrow my brow.
"But you kissed before, couldn't you tell last time?"
"No because that wasn't a proper one, this was a properly one, for ages with hands and stuff!" I explain, showing Kev my hands.
"Wow! That's a lot of information Sam..." Kev puts his taco back in the bag.
"And it was not good..." I grin happily, "at all... like brotherly not good."
"Ew!" Kev pushes the bag away.
"But......!"
"But?"
"Now it's all gone, all gone away..." I roll onto my side and close my eyes, smiling contentedly.
"What has? Sam? What's gone away?" Kev shakes me gently. I open my eyes again and try to focus on him.
"...scaryness..."
"What scaryness? Sam? Wake up honey!"
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I wake up to find someone has replaced my tongue with sandpaper and is whacking a large mallet repeatedly into my temple. Worse than that, as I open my eyes I find the remains of several fish taco's next to my head and the smell of eggs frying in the kitchen. I push myself up on one arm to survey the damage, taking care to move my head as gently as I can.
"Good afternoon beautiful!" Kev sings in his loudest faux opera voice from the kitchen. That bastard. I start to tell him to fuck off but as I open my mouth I realise words will not be the next thing out of it.
"Uh-oh! Run! Go go go!" Kev yells, a look of panic on his face that I might spontaneously decorate the rug. Astonishingly my legs don't give out underneath me and I make it to the bathroom just in time. Three and a half hours later, after one very long shower, several painkillers and a gallon of water and coffee I begin to resemble a human being again.
"Poor baby," Kev smirks eating potato chips out of a giant bag. I shove my hand in and grab a bunch to stuff my hungover face with.
"You and Stone then," Kev grins while crunching loudly.
"Me and Stone what?" I growl irritatedly.
"Worked everything out last night between you?" Kev is still grinning like an idiot.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I sigh, sitting down at the table and resting my head on my folded arms. I keep shovelling chips into my mouth from underneath.
"Got frisky last night remember? Mexican food, tequila, extended public make-out session with Eddie's best friend? Anything sound familiar?" Kev raises an eyebrow at me.
"Fuck!"
"Yeah, fuck indeed Sammy."
I keep my head down as the previous evening's events come flooding back. Drinking shots with Stone, laughing with Stone, flirting with Stone, Stone pinning me against a wall and me shoving my tongue down his throat. I exhale heavily but then I stop as I remember how we'd parted.
"It was good," I breathe.
"What?"
"It was all good," I repeat, bringing my head up and pushing my hair out of my face to look at Kev, "seriously, it was the best thing I've done in ages." Kev looks utterly confused.
"Wait a second...are you telling me that you're with Stone now? What the fuck Sam, what about Eddie?"
Eddie. My heart flutters.
"Oh my god I love Stone," I say smiling slowly.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Kev looks exhausted.
"No, not like that Kev," I laugh, "I mean I just love him, like I love you and Beck and Kirst. We worked it out, I mean he helped me out." I suddenly feel lighter, like there are a million possibilities in life.
"So you didn't kiss him?"
"No, I mean yes, I did," I giggle "and now I understand what you meant about Eddie and me and Stone and me. I was confused about us, and the awkwardness, maybe because of when we kissed before or because we get on so well or because of Eddie..." I stop and take a breath.
"Eddie?"
"Yeah... Eddie," I say softly, affection in my voice, beautiful, perfect, kind, delicious, compassionate Eddie. "I was so terrified and so in denial of how he makes me feel but I'm not any more. Because kissing Stone, someone gorgeous that I like very, very much, still doesn't feel anything like the way kissing Eddie does."
Kev drops the bag of chips on the table and wipes his hands on his jeans. "Okaaay? So?"
"So, now I know, for definite, I'm one hundred percent positive, about him. Eddie. I'd rather take all the risks in the world than settle for being safe because being safe means never kissing Eddie again," I stop as I realise my heart is pounding and my chest is aching, "and I just can't bear the thought of not kissing Eddie ever again..."
Kev smiles at me gently as I beam at him, my eyes feeling a bit misty. I'm so right, finally I'm right and I know what I want. Kev, however, looks at me with utter disdain.
"So... what you're telling me is that publicly groping Stone made you realise you would actually like to be with Eddie, is that what you're telling me Sam?" Kev says bluntly.
"...it doesn't sound so great when you put it like that Kev," I complain my euphoria dissolving somewhat.
Kev sighs heavily.
"Jesus woman, why is everything so fucking complicated with you? You're either too fucking dramatic, over analysing, time wasting, indecisive, self obsessing, bullshitting or being an utter dick!"
I laugh a little thinking he's joking but Kev stops me by placing his hand on my arm. He looks so serious and my heart stops.
"Sam...sweetheart....Eddie's with Beth," Kev looks at me gently, "I'm so sorry."
"What? But....how?"
No, it doesn't make sense. How can he be? It's only been a couple of days since I last saw him and that was on our date. I didn't call him I know but still that isn't enough time for him to get together with Beth again. Kev must have it wrong.
"That doesn't make sense. I was supposed to call him to arrange another date. Stone told me he's been asking after me," I protest.
"I'm guessing he's been trying to get in touch with you to explain, Sam. Kirst told me last night. He's been staying with Beth all week, at her place. He hasn't left her side."
I look at Kev in disbelief. I push myself away from the table and walk shakily over to the sofa to sit down.
"But...that doesn't make sense..." I repeat, hanging my head in my hands, "he wouldn't do that..."
"Why wouldn't he? You made-out with his best friend last night Sam, what makes you think he wouldn't do the same?" I know Kev isn't being cruel when he says that, he's stating a fact. I sit and think about what he's saying. I trusted him. I trusted Eddie.
"No," I say quietly.
"I'm sorry sweetheart," Kev says gently and shrugs.
"No, I mean you misunderstand me," I look up at Kev and fix him with a stare, "I mean, no he would not do that!" My words are firm and loud. Kev watches as I stand up and grab the phone from the bottom of the stairs. I dial Eddie's number, aggressively stabbing the buttons with my index finger.
"Eddie. Wouldn't . Do. That." I enunciate coolly."I will be damned if I'm going to give up now Kev, if I fuck up and make a complete fool of myself then so be it but there's no fucking way I'm going down without at least making sure."
The phone rings and rings, I see Kev out of the corner of my eye staring at me like I'm crazy. Well, maybe I am but I am not stopping now. No answer. I slam the receiver down and immediately dial again.
"Where the hell is he?" I plead at the phone.
"I told you... he's at Beth's," Kev sighs.
"No, no, no!"
I keep slamming the receiver down and trying again.
"Sam? Sam?"
"What Kev!?" I yell.
"They....they're playing tonight..." I put the receiver down and look at him, "if you're that sure you have to see him."
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By 8.45 I'm ready.
"You look gorgeous, properly, legitimately George Michael video goddess gorgeous," Kirst steps back to admire her handiwork. I'm wearing a dress, an actual dress made of spandex that's wrapped around me like bandages. It's black with long sleeves and a high neck but it as short as the state nudity laws in Washington will allow. Kirst blow dried my hair like Cyndi Crawford's on the cover of that exercise tape she's been selling. I've let Kirst do whatever she likes, I need all the help I can get.
"Are you sure about this Sam?" Kirst looks at me warily, "Kev did tell you? About Beth?"
I look at Kirst defiantly.
"All I know is that if I don't put an end to this now I'll always wonder what if....and Eddie can't be my what if."
Kirst tries to smile, "but 'what if ' he doesn't want you babe? I don't want you hurt, yet again but if he's with Beth it seems like he's made his choice doesn't it?"
I swallow hard and blink back the tears threatening to ruin. Kirst looks at me kindly.
"Sweetheart you've had a million chances with this guy, and they just kept going wrong. You've been mostly miserable with only about three days of actual happiness since you met him. That's over six months. Doesn't that tell you something?"
"Yes, it does. It tells me that I'm a fucking idiot." I'm so far past bullshit, I am a walking talking human truth bomb. Kev snorts laughter down his nose. "I have to try Kirst, I have to tell him." I say quietly, almost to myself, "and then if he picks her I'll know, and I can go on with my life."
Kirst sighs and then wraps an arm around my shoulders.
"Ok, well if you're sure, I'll be right next to you the whole time and afterwards we can go out and get absolutely shit faced to commiserate," she smiles.
"Hair of the dog Sammy?" Kev grins and hands me a large vodka tonic. I gulp it back in three goes. My liver is so in need of a break from all of this drama.
I pull my docs on and grab my jacket.
---------------------------------------------------
We pull up to the venue just before 9.30. It's packed. Once again a long line snaking round the building but something tells me this time Eddie hasn't put my name on the list. Kirst takes us around the side of the building to the stage door. A mountain of a human being opens the door for her with a smile and lets us pass into the dark bowels of the venue. We walk down labyrinthine tunnels and I can hear the loud thump of bass and the cheer of the crowd.
"They went on at 9," Kirst yells in my ear as we round the last corner into an open waiting area backstage, filled with yet more hangers on. I guess I'm one of them now I realise feeling self conscious in my too glamorous attire. Thankfully Chris comes bounding over and scoops Kirst up in his arms. My heart sinks watching them, they're so completely happy together. I look away while everyone says hello to each other, and my eyes dart around the room looking for Beth. I don't want a confrontation, I'd rather catch Eddie in private if possible.
"Hey gorgeous," Chris hugs me sincerely and kisses me on the cheek, "I'm so happy to see you here," he grins.
"Really?" I scoff, "wow, thanks, but no one else is," I shrug. Chris furrows his brow and seems to politely ignore my comment before he pulls me back in for another hug.
"Well I'm glad you're here," he breathes in my ear so kindly I think I night cry. I compose myself before anyone sees and smile back at him gratefully.
"Thanks Chris," I whisper.
Becky, Kev, Kirst and Chris all chat happily for a moment.
"Hey, you want to go and watch out front?" Chris asks, "can't see shit from backstage."
Everyone agrees and follows Chris to the side door that leads down a corridor to the side of the stage. I take a final look around for Beth, if she's back here I'm much happier out front. I don't see her, just a gaggle of girls hanging around looking daggers at me. I steel myself and make my way down the corridor to the bar.
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