CHAPTER 4:
1. "'Okay, that's 100 dollars, do we have 110?!' He says into the microphone." (p.1). I suggest writing out numbers to remain professional and not break the flow of the story. Additionally, the dialogue tag is a continuation of the sentence. The beginning of the dialogue tag should not be capitalized because it is not the beginning of a new sentence. Correction: "'Okay, that's one-hundred dollars, do we have one-hundred-ten?!' He says into the microphone." Also, I want to point out a problem here. I find it uncomfortable that the girls are bidding on the boys and basically buying them to be their date. If the roles were reversed, and the boys were bidding on buying girls to be their date, I bet a lot of readers would be outraged. This is the same thing.
2. "Ooo, 200 dollars dollars!" (p.10). Here, "ooo" should be "ooh." I also suggest writing out numbers.
3. "Jeremy quickly hits the hammer multiple times 'sold, sold, sold!' He chants and the crowd cheers." (p.28). You need punctuation to separate the action tag and the dialogue. You should have capitalization in the dialogue as well, to show that it's the beginning of a new sentence. The dialogue tag is also a continuation of the dialogue sentence, so the capitalization there isn't necessary. Correction: "Jeremy quickly hits the hammer multiple times. 'Sold, sold, sold!' he chants and the crowd cheers." Also, you have a repetition with using the word "cheers" around "crowd."
4. "I released a breath I didn't know I was holding as I stepped off the stage and headed directly for Lia." (p.29). You need to convert this into present tense. Correction: "I release a breath I didn't know I was holding as I step off the stage and head directly for Lia."
5. "Didn't I buy you? That means you're property, now sit there, look pretty, and shut it,' she pouts avoiding eye contact causing me to laugh." (p.32). You have a comma splice here. Again, "pout." You need to separate this into two sentences, and you need a comma. You should also be very careful with this sentence. If a boy told this to a girl, even jokingly, she probably wouldn't find it funny at all. The context of it, especially "look pretty," is a sexist phrase in this context. It would be fine if she told him to sit still like an inanimate object of some sort, but you need to be careful. It can be hard to tell whether you're reversing the roles to show that this is wrong or you're genuinely making the girl say something like this.
6. "I chuckle as I cheer along with the crowd as Jason slowly walks off the stage in confusion and shock." (p.46). I suggest restructuring this sentence, as you have a repetition with the word "as."
7. "' Come on let's get you some fresh air,' I say as I pat his back, leading him out of the school and walking over to stand next to the Escalade." (p.63). You have an unnecessary space here, and this sentence is abnormally long. I suggest breaking it down into several sentences for clearer readability.
8. "' We will see you, boys, at the dance tomorrow,' Mae states as she begins to walk towards her mustang." (p.64). You have two unnecessary commas around the word, "boy." You have an unnecessary space, and you have a repetition with using "as" in sentences. You also have a repetition of "state" which is something I'm finding increasingly repetitive. I suggest using "say" more than "state" as it's pretty invisible.
9. "'Mae, it would be proper if we picked out dates up' He insists." (p.66). You need punctuation at the end of the dialogue. The dialogue tag is a continuation of the sentence, so the capitalization is unnecessary. You're also enforcing gender stereotypes and restrictions here. Why is it proper for a boy to pick up a girl, and not for a girl to pick up a boy?
10. "I parked my truck in the beach parking lot, turning off the ignition as Ian, Jeremy, and Mark got out of the truck." (p.70). You have tense slip-ups here. Correction: "I park my truck in the beach parking lot, turning off the ignition as Ian, Jeremy, and Mark get out." I also removed the part at the end because you already mentioned the truck in the beginning of this sentence. It still feels a bit awkward, so I encourage you to restructure this in a more natural way.
11. "Oh, boohoo little miss stuck up is going to be upset that you have a date for charity. The voice mocks." (p.71/72). This should be in one paragraph, as the "dialogue" tag is part of the sentence. You also need hyphens. Correction: "Oh, boohoo. Little-miss-stuck-up is going to be upset that you have a date for charity, the voice mocks."
12. "Mark slips off his white tank top throwing it in the passenger seat before grabbing his beach towel." (p.76). You need commas here or this turns into a run-on sentence. Correction: "Mark slips off his white tank top, throwing it in the passenger seat before grabbing his beach towel."
13. "Jeremy pouting the whole way." (p.79). This is technically an incomplete sentence. It seems like it should be a continued thought of the sentence preceding this, so I advise to connect the two. Additionally, you have "pouting" again.
14. "'Madisyn has social anxiety and being around you is enough attention as it is, she would have a heart attack if the school was to place the same amount of attention on her as they do us,' he explains." (p.86). You have comma splices here. Correction: "'Madisyn has social anxiety and being around you is enough attention as it is. She would have a heart attack if the school was to place the same amount of attention on her as they do us,' he explains."
15. "I sigh as the purple, red and blue lights come into view." (p.89). When listing "items" on a list, every item besides the last should be followed by a comma, especially the second-to-last item (known as the Oxford Comma). Correction: "I sigh as the purple, red, and blue lights come into view."
16. "I fight the urge to push him off of me and give a smile 'looks like you're having fun,' my friendly mask sliding into place. 'Oh yeah, even though I'm still a little salty that you sold higher than me,' he hits my chest playfully." (p.91). You need punctuation between the action tag and the dialogue. The beginning of the dialogue should be capitalized, as it's the beginning of a new sentence. After the first dialogue, the action tag is a separate sentence, and the capitalization/punctuation should reflect that. You should also rephrase the action tag to stand alone as a sentence. The same thing applies to the third action tag. Correction: "I fight the urge to push him off me and smile. 'Looks like you're having fun.' My friendly mask slides into place. 'Oh yeah, even though I'm still a little salty that you sold higher than me.' He hits my chest playfully." I took off some filler words. Additionally, make sure to start a new paragraph when someone new is speaking.
17. "'Yeah... your nuts,' I stand up and begin to walk away." (p.102). You need to separate the dialogue from the action tag. Additionally, "your" should be "you're," as I'm sure you meant to say "you are nuts."
18. "'Then trust me,' I said." (p.108). You have a tense slip-up here.
19. "'I promise,' I begin to walk away but is stopped by a hand on my arm." (p.112). You need to separate the dialogue from the action tag. Additionally, "is" should be "am." The word "is" is applied when the pronoun is in third-person (he/she), but the pronoun is in first person (I/me). Correction: "'I promise.' I begin to walk away but am stopped by a hand on my arm." Additionally, you have a repetition with "I begin to walk away..." you use that same phrase in paragraph 102 and more than that.
20. "I jog through the sand to catch up to her 'what's your problem with Ashley?'" (p.115). You need punctuation between the action tag and the dialogue. Correction: "I jog through the sand to catch up to her. 'What's your problem with Ashley?'" Additionally, this seems like an unnecessary question for him to ask, considering he knows how toxic Ashley is. It's probably obvious for others around him as well.
21. "Her tattoos became visible under the lights of the canopy." (p.116). You have a tense slip-up here.
22. "'Where is Ian?' I ask as she rolls her eyes. 'I don't know, but he has another 5 minutes to show up before I take my bid back,' she pouts." (p.117). You have a lot of repetition throughout these paragraphs. You have a lot of eye-rolling, pouting, and stating. You should use "say" more than "state" as it's invisible to the audience. Additionally, don't overuse your action tags. I suggest writing out numbers as well, and to separate dialogue tags from dialogues.
23. "Ian suddenly comes running towards us 'where have you been?' I ask. 'Not now!' He says ducking behind Mae's chair, hiding as two girls walk up." (p.119). You need punctuation between the action and the dialogue, the beginning of the dialogue should be capitalized (as it's the beginning of a new sentence), the dialogue tag should indicate it's a continuation of the dialogue, and you need a comma. Correction: "Ian suddenly comes running towards us. 'Where have you been?' I ask. 'Not now!' he says, ducking behind Mae's chair, hiding as two girls walk up."
24. "'You have to come to me,' she smirks up at Ian." (p.129). You need to separate the dialogue and the dialogue tag. Correction: "'You have to come to me.' She smirks up at Ian." Additionally, you have a repetition with the word "smirk."
25. "Mar immediately starts splashing Ian and me, the cold water making me shiver slightly." (p.131). You should have "Ian and I" or "Me and Ian," as "Ian and me" is incorrect. I also suggest removing the adverb "slightly," as it clutters the sentence and is unnecessary.
26. "'Oh you're going to pay for that' I glared playfully." (p.134). You need a comma here. You need punctuation between the dialogue and the action tag. You also have a tense slip-up. Correction: "'Oh, you're going to pay for that.' I glare playfully."
27. "'Ohh I'm so scared,' She mocks as she swims away, I follow right behind her going deeper into the water until it's almost up to our necks." (p.135). You need a comma here, the dialogue tag is a continuation of the sentence, and you have a comma splice. Correction: "'Oh, I'm so scared,' she mocks as she swims away. I follow right behind her, going deeper into the water until it's almost up to our necks."
28. "The moon shining on her body perfectly." (p.135). This is technically an incomplete sentence. If you want it to stand on its own, I suggest replacing "shining" with "shines." Additionally, you could expand here. What is his ideal idea of "perfectly?"
29. "I shook the water out of my hair and grab a towel off a nearby chair." (p.142). You have a comma splice here.
30. "'Too bad, I want to touch yours,' she winks as she ghosts the tips of her fingers down my sleeve of tattoos as she walks past me, towards the juice bar." (p.144). You need to separate the dialogue and the action tag. You also have a repetition with the word "as" so I suggest restructuring the sentence to avoid that.
31. "I never met a girl like her, she just pushes it too far,' I mumble." (p.146). You have a comma splice here. Additionally, I suggest rewriting the first sentence. Technically, he did meet a girl like her, her. Correction: "I've never met a girl like her before. She pushes it too far,' I mumble." Notice how I the filler word.
32. "I'm so sorry, man" (p.149). You need to end the sentence with punctuation.
33. "We were never friends and had no loyalty to each other but damn!" (p.151). You need a comma here. Correction: "We were never friends and had no loyalty to each other, but damn!" Additionally, shouldn't Jason be confronting Ashley, not Trevor? She was the one who cheated on him, so I think the obvious thing to do would be to talk to her and find the truth before making a scene. I find it strange that he went straight to the guy instead.
34. "Trevor stands up and rushes towards Jeremy and I instinctively rush to stop him but is stopped by Mark tackling him to the ground." (p.156). This is a run-on sentence. Additionally, you need to conjugate correctly. It should be "I am," not "I is." Correction: "Trevor stands up and rushes towards Jeremy, and I instinctively rush to stop him, but am stopped by Mark tackling him to the ground."
35. "'All Rosewood high students vacate the beach right now!' The principal's voice says over the speakers." (p.157). The dialogue tag is a continuation of the dialogue, so no capitalization is needed. You should have capitalization on "high," however, and I suggest directly stating that the principal says something to clean up the sentence more. Correction: "'All Rosewood High students vacate the beach right now!' the principal says over the speakers."
36. "Easy, you're too angry you shouldn't be driving." (p.159). You need a comma here. Correction: "Easy, you're too angry, you shouldn't be driving."
37. "'It will but so will the anger once I lay eyes on that assole Trevor so I won't regret anything. I promise that' I clench my jaw." (p.178). You need commas here, and you need to end the dialogue with punctuation. Correction: "'It will, but so will the anger once I lay eyes on that assole, Trevor, so I won't regret anything. I promise that.' I clench my jaw."
***
I enjoyed your writing style and concept. I suggest strengthening and shortening your chapters, as in the five chapters I've read, it doesn't seem like your plot has taken off quite yet. You also have repetition with words/phrases and grammatical errors that could be cleaned up. It also took quite a long time to finish this review (about 10k words), so I suggest shortening your chapters and ending it before another POV begins, instead of mashing them together. (I also didn't bother editing this review, as it was just too much. If there are any typos or errors, please ignore them!)
TOTAL SCORE: 38/100
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Written on 05/02/2021