BLURB:
The Donovans are Rosewood's favorite family. The four boys' perfect world is turned upside down upon the arrival of three mysterious girls. Lives that were once peaceful are now filled with secrets, lies, romance, and... magic?
Will the boys learn the truth about their seemingly mundane family before it's too late? Or will the line between love and hate be tested to its breaking point?
Maybe love can be just as sweet as revenge.
***
YOUR COVER: (4/10) The photo used in the cover represents your genre well. Just by looking at it, I can see that it is fantasy. However, the title should easily be the largest text on the cover, the font should be appropriately used to portray your genre, and I almost never encourage using bright, neon colors (such as bright red) as it can be distracting for your potential readers when they check out your story. I suggest getting a new cover, and you can also check out the cover shops featured on my reading list if you'd like.
YOUR TITLE: (2/10) I have seen many stories on Wattpad with the same title (or different variations of the same title), which makes me feel that it is ill-fitted with your story. It is cliché, and seems to belong more in a romance genre, rather than a fantasy genre. It seems that romance is a subplot, but as fantasy is the main concept, the title should reflect that.
YOUR BLURB: (4/5) Grammatically speaking, your blurb was very clean and concise. I would add "the" in front of "Rosewood" if it's a family name, and if the name itself is "Rosewoods" then there should be an apostrophe after the 's,' as "Rosewoods'." I also didn't learn as much as I would have liked from your blurb. The arrival of three girls... where? At their house? What about their lives before this change? What obstacles might they run into? Including this can bring in more potential readers, and they'll understand what kind of story they're reading and you'll have the right audience.
YOUR HOOK: (4/5) Right off the bat, I have an immediate sense of your writing style. There are no grammatical errors seen at first glance, and overall, I have a great first impression of your story. You were still lacking a few elements, however. For example, I learned that the character was in the car at a football field, but I can't see that in my head. You could expand on your description so readers can visualize this as though seeing it from a camera. Additionally, you have generic descriptions of the characters. For example, especially in Wattpad, a hot guy is always smirking. Could you break out of this cliche? Not to mention that if you look up "smirk," it means to smile in an irritatingly smug or conceited way. So... that doesn't sound very good. It's a difference to have someone smile with confidence, and someone to smirk with the idea of grandiose or arrogance. Also, this is a suggestion (a highly advised one) to not describe eyes as "orbs."
YOUR GRAMMAR: (2/10) You struggled with your punctuation and capitalization with dialogues. If your dialogue is accompanied with a dialogue tag (he said, she yelled, they shouted, describing the way someone says something), the dialogue tag is a continuation of the dialogue sentence. For example, it doesn't make sense for the clause, "She said," to be a sentence by itself. Therefore, it's part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue should end in a comma to indicate that the sentence isn't complete, and the start of a dialogue tag is not capitalized, as it's not the start of a new sentence. The opposite goes for action tags. If your dialogue is accompanied by an action tag (she grinned/he sighed/they walked away, basically an action), the action should not be part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue doesn't help the action tag make sense; the action tag should be a sentence by itself. Therefore, the dialogue should end in a period to signify the end of the sentence, and the start of the action tag should always be capitalized, as it's the start of a new sentence. Of course, the punctuation may vary. Exclamation marks and question marks can end a dialogue regardless of the tag accompanying it, as long as if it's a dialogue tag, the dialogue never ends in a period, and for an action tag, it never ends in a comma.
Example of dialogue + dialogue tag: "'I'm okay,' she said." OR "She said, 'I'm okay.'"
Example of dialogue + action tag: "'I'm okay.' She forced a smile." OR "She forced a smile. 'I'm okay.'"
I noticed that you tended to leave out punctuation in your dialogues. Just like ending sentences, dialogues need to be ended as well. Just because you add a dialogue mark to the end doesn't mean it's a complete sentence. It isn't complete until you add a punctuation mark at the end. I've pointed out some examples of this below.
You had a lot of comma mistakes. Keep in mind that commas are used to separate different clauses within a sentence, whether they're independent or dependent. An independent clause has a subject (who/what is doing the action) and a predicate (the action being done by the subject). Oftentimes, a sentence has two independent clauses, joined together with a conjunction. In the sentence, "I cried then Billy ran away," there are two independent clauses here. One is, "I cried," and the other is, "Billy ran away." Both have a subject and a predicate, and they're joined together by the conjunction, "then." Because of this, the two clauses still need to be separated with a comma, the correction being: "I cried, then Billy ran away."
Dependent clauses are just like independent clauses: they also have a subject and a predicate. However, dependent clauses are exactly like what they sound like; they're dependent on another clause. They don't make sense by themselves. For example, the clause, "I decided not to," has both a subject and a predicate, but it needs more context to make sense. There should be another clause attached or a sentence before it that it depends on making sense. When joined to another clause with a conjunction, the dependent clause should still be separated with a comma as well.
Commas are also used to separate an introductory phrase or word before the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause is "I went to work," where the subject is "I," and the predicate/action is "went to work." The word "today" is not included in the clause, and therefore should be separated with a comma. The correction would be: "Today, I went to work." This is a lot of information to take in, but try to keep these rules in mind for the next time you're writing.
I noticed the amount of comma splices used as well. A comma splice is joining two different independent clauses together, and separating them with a comma, but not a conjunction. An example of this is: "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two different independent clauses, "I went to work" and "I drove in my car." They both have predicates and subjects, and are separated with a comma. However, you must separate them with a conjunction as well. Without a conjunction, this turns into a comma splice. You have two options in this case. You can either replace the comma with a period and turn it into two different sentences, or add in a conjunction. In this case, the correction can be, "I went to work, and I drove in my car," or "I went to work. I drove in my car." You have many cases of comma splices in your writing, which I've pointed out for you. There were many that I haven't pointed out, so make sure to do that.
You included extra spaces where they aren't needed, specifically with your punctuation. I've pointed some out in your chapter review(s) below, so make sure to correct these.
You often slipped up in your tense. Whether your story is set in past or present tense, you need to pick one and stay in it. If you're in past tense, you should use words such as "didn't" and "wanted." If you're writing in present tense, you should use, "don't" and "want." I've shown a few examples where you slipped up your tense below, so keep this rule in mind for future writing.
I noticed that you had unnecessary capitalization, or you were missing capitalization in certain places. The beginning of a new sentence, a certain person, place, or thing, must always be capitalized. The next time you capitalize (or don't capitalize), keep this rule in mind.
You struggled with apostrophes and contractions. For example, the contraction "let's" and the word "lets" have different meanings, and should be applied appropriate depending on the context of the scene. Before adding an apostrophe, say out the full words "let us" and see if it makes sense.
You also seem to be confused with how to separate paragraphs. Whenever someone new begins to speak, a new paragraph should be started. If Sarah and Johnny are having a conversation, and Sarah says, "hey, how are you?" when Johnny responds with, "I'm great!" That should be a new paragraph. That way, your readers aren't confused with who is still talking and who isn't.
YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (1/5) There was an overwhelming amount of spelling errors and typos throughout your writing. I spotted many silly typos that could easily be fixed with a bit of proof-reading and editing, and there were probably more that I didn't see. I highly suggest thoroughly combing through your writing to edit these mistakes. You also use basic vocabulary and simple diction choices, which leads to a lot of filler words that could be removed.
YOUR PLOT: (11/20) I enjoyed the concept you included. However, you could strengthen your plot. There wasn't as much fantasy as I would have liked, considering that fantasy is the genre. This seemed more like a highschool love story with a twist of magic. Additionally, in the five chapters I've read, the plot hadn't taken off yet. I got a lot of unnecessary information, and not enough of what really mattered. I suggest cutting back on the filler chapters and focus on filling in the blank spaces where background information or world-building is needed.
YOUR CHARACTERS: (2/10) Most of your character descriptions were physical. I didn't get a great sense of each character's unique personality. Additionally, while reading your five chapters, I felt like everybody was the same person. Whether it was Ashley, Jason, or Mae, they all sounded the same person. The reason is because you frequently reused the same descriptions for them. They all pout, smirk, and raise eyebrows. In fact, you recycle and reuse these descriptions so often that it clutters the main content of your chapters. I suggest taking the time to establish habits, unique personalities, and voices for each character that makes it obvious who is speaking.
YOUR VOICE: (5/20) What I noticed is that for the first few paragraphs in chapter one, your writing voice was strong, smooth, and very beautiful. This is the potential of what your writing voice can be. However, after the hook, the quality of your writing quickly decreased. You didn't pay enough attention to every part of every chapter. You also have an excessive amount of repetition, such as characters smirking, pouting (a lot of pouting), etc. The first thing I'd suggest you doing is to clean up your writing. Correct all the grammar errors. Then, get rid of the repetition. Make your sentences short, concise, and remove the filler words. That will significantly cut back on the size of your chapters. Then, I suggest expanding your vocabulary and choice of diction. Find interesting synonyms to use, and experiment with the way you structure sentences. Use similes and metaphors, and show, don't tell. You have the potential to have an impactful writing voice, and with time and patience, you will get there.
STORY FLOW: (3/5) I found that some of your transitions were awkward. This can be because you were telling, not showing, or you used repetitive phrases to transition. I suggest experimenting with different ways to transition. You can also take a look at the books of your favorite authors, and see how they transition. How can you apply that to your own writing? Additionally, in terms of the story flow, you have a lot of content, but it's all going at a snail's pace. I suggest cutting back on the unnecessary information to get the plot going.
So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to each individual chapter.
PROLOGUE:
1. "His v-neck was showing off his muscular body." (p.1). You have a tense slip-up here. You started this chapter in present tense, but slipped into past tense here with words such as "was." Make sure to stay consistent with your tense to keep the flow of the story. Correction: "His v-neck shows off his muscular body."
2. "That has to be him, that has to be Jason." (p.3). You have a comma splice here. A comma splice is the joining of two or more clauses with a comma, but without a conjunction. To correct this, you can replace the comma with a period, or add a conjunction. I typically advise the former, as shorter sentences have clearer readability. Correction: "That has to be him. That has to be Jason."
3. "... before his bottom lip disappears behind his pearly white teeth as he bites it gently." (p.3). You already wrote here that "his bottom lip disappears behind his pearly white teeth..." which means he's biting it. It's a lovely description, but you're ruining it by tacking on the meaning at the end. Your readers will understand that he is biting his bottom lip without the end. Additionally, "gently" is repetitive, as you used it several times to describe the same boy. It's also advised to avoid adverbs such as that word. Suggestion: "... before his bottom lip disappears behind his pearly white teeth."
4. "The sun is casting its glow across his pale skin causing a shadow on his strong, sharp jawline." (p.3). You need a comma here, and you're also using passive voice. Passive voice is describing something that is happening, rather than simply stating that something happens. Correction/Suggestion: "The sun casts its glow across his pale skin, causing a shadow on his strong, sharp jawline."
5. "I and my sisters have been looking for them for years and now that I finally have them in my grasp the games will begin." (p.4). You need commas here to separate the clauses. Additionally, "I and my sisters" is incorrect. It can be "Me and my sisters," "My sisters and I," but not "I and my sisters" or "my sisters and me." Correction: "My sisters and I have been looking for them for years, and now that I finally have them in my grasp, the games will begin."
6. "' We have a slight problem?' He says. 'And what would the problem be?' I ask as I feel the irritation creeping through me." (p.5). There are several things wrong here. You have an additional space in the beginning of the dialogue. The dialogue tags are continuations of the dialogue sentences, and the capitalization should reflect that. Correction: "'We have a slight problem,' he says. 'And what would the problem be?' I ask as I feel the irritation creeping through me." Notice how I replaced the question mark with a comma, as this isn't phrased as a question. If it's intentionally spoken as a question, then you can write that in the dialogue tag. Additionally, whenever someone new speaks, you need to start a new paragraph. For example, here, when he speaks, it is a new action and new person, so the start of his dialogue should be a new paragraph. When the character replies, that should be a new paragraph as well.
7. In paragraph 5, if there is more than one brother, then it should be "brothers'," not "brother's."
8. "I sigh 'just figure something out to keep them out of my way!'" (p.9). You need punctuation at the end of the action tag. Additionally, since the beginning of the dialogue is the start of a new sentence it should be capitalized. Correction: "I sigh. 'Just figure something out to keep them out of my way!'"
9. "She smiles her lips the color crimson blood." (p.11). You need a comma or the reader will misinterpret this sentence. Correction: "She smiles, her lips the color crimson blood."
10. "It Makes sense if he is such a good fighter." (p.15). You have unnecessary capitalization here. Unless it's a specific place, person, thing, or beginning of a sentence, capitalization is not needed. Correction: "It makes sense if he is such a good fighter."
CHAPTER 1:
1. "Ian, my little brother Jeremy, and I have been living with my uncle Issac, Mark's older brother for as long as I can remember." (p.2). You have missing commas here. Correction: "Ian, my little brother Jeremy, and I have been living with my uncle, Issac, Mark's older brother, for as long as I can remember." The amount of commas used here can serve as an indicator that it's probably best to separate these clauses into shorter sentences. That can also clear up readability for your audience.
2. "Jeremy and I situation is bad, but Ian got the worst end of the deal." (p.3). "I" should be "I's" as it should be possessive. This is a situation belonging to him, hence the apostrophe. Correction: "Jeremy and I's situation is bad, but Ian got the worst end of the deal."
3. "'I'll get the ladder out of the shed,' I pout." (p.8). Pouting is an action, meaning the action tag should not be included within this sentence. The punctuation should reflect that. Correction: "'I'll get the ladder out of the shed.' I pout."
4. "No jason, you shouldn't think like that." (p.12). The name should be capitalized. You're referring to a specific person, and therefore, capitalization is needed. You need a comma as well. Correction: "No, Jason, you shouldn't think like that."
5. "'Just because I date a little more that some of you people doesn't mean i just have random girls coming and going,' Ian glares." (p.14). You have typos and grammar errors. I suggest removing filler words, fixing the spelling error, and capitalizing "i." You also need to disconnect the dialogue and action tag to signify that these are two different sentences. Correction: "'Just because I date a little more than you doesn't mean I have random girls coming and going.' Ian glares."
6. "'Excuse you?' I state." (p.15). To state is to express something such as directions, specific information, rules, etc. It doesn't mean to ask a question, because that wouldn't be stating, that would be asking. Make sure to have your dialogue tags match up with the punctuation of your dialogues.
7. "Or nowhere cool enough to pull it off." (p.19). It seems that you're contradicting his choices and actions with his thoughts. If Jason clearly looks down upon his girlfriend, then why is he dating her? It doesn't seem to be a very responsible thing to do in the eyes of your readers (both parties can get hurt with dishonesty), so I suggest expanding upon this to explain. Maybe he feels stuck in a relationship, or he feels like he owes it to her.
8. "'Where did you go?' Mark stands up." (p.21). Because you included this in the same paragraph, it looks like it was Mark that had spoken, not Jason. Whenever a new action is made by a new character or a new scene /transition is presented, I suggest making it into another paragraph to not confuse readers. You should begin a new paragraph with "Mark stands up." Additionally, keep in mind that whenever someone new speaks, a new paragraph should begin. This is the most repetitive problem throughout your writing, so remember that when editing later.
9. "Tonight, it's taco's!" (p.23). The apostrophe is incorrect here. By adding it, you're either saying, "Tonight, it's taco is," or that tonight, something belongs to the taco. Singular. Correction: "Tonight, it's tacos!" Additionally, I felt that the cleaning up scene was a filler scene. You didn't expand upon it or take the time to describe the setting, so I learned very little from it. Even the boys' interactions were rushed and mostly dialogue.
10. "'Oh, I had to do chores once I got home, I didn't get the chance to, I'm sorry,' I responded instinctively." (p.24). You have comma splices here. Additionally, you have a tense slip-up. Correction: "'Oh, I had to do chores once I got home, so I didn't get the chance to. I'm sorry,' I respond instinctively."
11. "Yeah i figured, and since when do you ask me for permission to go over to her house? Your curfew isn't until 11 anyway on school nights,' He eyes me as he takes a bite of his taco." (p.28). You need to capitalize "I." Additionally, you need commas. I suggest writing out numbers to stay professional and avoid breaking the flow of the story. Correction: "Yeah, I figured. And since when do you ask for permission to go to her house? Your curfew isn't until eleven, anyway, on school nights.' He eyes me as he takes a bite of his taco." Notice how I removed filler words, shortened sentences, and used the correct punctuation regarding the dialogue.
12. "... Issac says calmly 'right?' he glares around the table and everyone nods." (p.40). You need punctuation before the dialogue, and the beginning of the dialogue should be capitalized, as it's a new sentence. The beginning of the action tag should be capitalized as well. Correction: "... Issac says calmly. 'Right?' He glares around the table and everyone nods."
13. "I watch out of the corner of my eye as Julie, stretches out on my bed poking her ass out towards me on purpose to get my attention causing me to chuckle." (p.47). This is a poorly constructed sentence, you need commas, and you have an unnecessary space. Correction: "I watch out of the corner of my eye as Julie stretches out on my bed, poking her ass out towards me on purpose to get my attention, causing me to chuckle."
14. "'Yeah but I don't feel like talking about it to be honest actually I think I'm going to go home' She says getting up from my bed." (p.49). This is a run-on sentence. You need commas here, and you especially need punctuation at the end of the dialogue. The capitalization should reflect the fact that the beginning of the dialogue tag is not the start of a new sentence. Correction: "'Yeah, but I don't feel like talking about it, to be honest. Actually, I think I'm going to go home,' she says, getting up from my bed."
15. "... underneath the fuck boy attire and the kinky rumours laid a nice guy." (p.57). I suggest replacing "laid" with "was" as the verb "laid" means to lay something down. That means the kinky rumours literally laid down a nice guy, which doesn't sound right.
16. "The events that just took place replaying in my head." (p.70). This is technically an incomplete sentence. It is a direct thought continued from the sentence preceding it, so I suggest connecting the two sentences together.
17. "'Your in your head again, stop overthinking it,' Jason's voice says by my ear..." (p.71). Here, "your" is possessive, and it should actually be a contraction, "you're," for "You are." Additionally, I suggest that instead of using body parts to describe something, to describe that act directly. Correction: "'You're in your head again. Stop overthinking it,' Jason says by my ear..." Notice how I removed the comma splice as well.
continued...