It felt like eternity, but it only lasted a few seconds. Me not having the slightest idea how to kiss, it was obvious that it would fail miserably ... which it did. Ben didn't respond to the kiss, either shocked or disgusted, so I pulled back, feeling ashamed as my heart thumped and my head ached.
I kissed Ben. What the hell was I thinking! I kissed Ben even though I already knew too well he's not interested. Jesus, Joanna, why can't you ever do one thing right!
Letting out a shaky breath, I looked for a way out, but he was still kneeled before me, so I couldn't exactly run away from the embarrassment. I opted for just looking away, turning my head to the window on my right, hoping I could just be an ostrich and hide my head beneath the sand. I felt even dizzier than before, and kind of nauseous, not sure if because of the whole awkwardness of the situation or because I only ate a candy bar when I took the medicines – or just both.
Finally, Ben reacted. He heaved a deep sigh, hands at my sides without touching me. "Joanna ..."
There you go, my full name, bad sign. "I'm sorry." I blurted out, my face as red as a tomato. I felt myself hyperventilating, but not entirely because of the mortification. "I ... I shouldn't have. I'm sorry." I tried to take deep breaths, but my head was spinning faster now, and I really felt like I couldn't hold it in any longer – I was gonna throw up. I brought a hand to my mouth, "I need to ..." I pretty much toppled Ben as fast as I jumped up to run to the bathroom.
"Joanna!"
I faintly heard Ben call. I barely had time to kneel by the toilet that I hurled into it. It felt like I vomited everything I ever ate in my entire life. Much to my disgust, my hair was caught in it; I would have moved it away but it was already soaked in vomit, so no point. I felt my stomach tighten as nothing seemed willing to remain in it.
I heard a loud curse in the air, and when I felt my hair being pulled back, I noticed Ben was crouched beside me, an arm around me while his other hand kept my hair out of the way.
"Ben, no ..." I drawled out, not wanting him to touch that disgusting hair, as soaked as it was in whatever I just hurled into the toilet. But even speaking was enough to trigger another jet, so I lowered my head as much as possible to avoid getting any of that revolting liquid on Ben. Only after two or three more fits, did I finally feel like I'd entirely emptied my stomach. My breaths were hitched, I was sweaty and exhausted, not to mention reeking of that insufferable smell. And in all this, Ben was there to witness it. Ugh. As if it wasn't bad enough. "Ben ..."
"Take a deep breath." He said, rubbing my back.
I shook my head. "Go home."
"I'm not going anywhere. Now, can you stand?"
I nodded in response, but he didn't let me go. Instead, he helped me up, always holding me against him. Ben guided me to the sink, and after having grabbed a hairband from the mirror cabinet, he tied my dirty hair. I grimaced when I saw my reflection in the mirror. I looked hideous, with my face all puffy and red and sweaty, my eyes were also kind of red; and in all that, Ben still looked flawless. I looked away, ashamed, and freed myself from his grip. "Go away. Please."
Instead, he opened the faucet. "Don't be silly." He splashed some cool water on my face with one hand while the other rubbed tiny circles over my back.
"Ben ..." I sighed, exasperated.
"Shhh ... you just need some rest. But first, let's get you cleaned up."
"No." I said firmly, moving away from him. I was flushed and flustered, mortified and ashamed, but I had to do this. It's like I'm some charity case he's obsessed with. "You need to leave. Now." I tried to be as steady as possible, but I felt weak to my bones so even my voice was quivery.
"JoJo ..."
"Please, just go." Damnit, even the tears now. There's just no end to this humiliation. My hair was soaked in my own vomit, my face was red and puffy, my eyes were hurting because I hadn't been wearing glasses for a long time now, since I'd probably left them at the diner after the whole steamy coffee incident, and because of the tears that now fell unabashedly, not at all wary of Ben's humiliating presence. He took a step closer to me, but I backed up, holding my hands up in order to get some space between us. My injured hand still hurt a whole hell of a lot, despite the painkillers. "Please." My voice broke as tears took over. "I ... I need to be alone."
"No." He took another step towards me, one after the other as I kept backing up, until I hit the wall and had nowhere to run, so he could easily cage me against the cold tiles.
"Ben ..." my bottom lip quivered as I tried hard to hold back my tears. Stupid makeup didn't do anything but add to my discomfort, I should have taken it off when I went to work.
Ben caressed my cheek, shaking his head in disagreement. "I'm not going anywhere."
"But why ..." I drawled out. "Look at me! I'm a mess! It's disgusting!" I cried out. "Why would you want to witness all this! Do you just enjoy seeing me humiliated? Is that why you stuck around? You found a laughing stock that can provide you all the fun you need, is that it?" I realized I was yelling only when my own high-pitched voice hurt my ears, but I was far gone now, too much over the limit to stop. "I don't get it, Ben!" I pushed him off me, although he barely moved an inch or two. "I don't get why you stay no matter what! What, you have a bet going on? Let's find the most embarrassing girl possible, see how far can she humiliate herself!"
"JoJo ..."
"NO! Don't JoJo me!" I slid away from him, feeling my knees weak yet again. If I didn't hold it together, I would crawl to the floor once more. "What do you want from me?! You just come here, out of nowhere, and start being all nice and chatty, but why! Why would anyone in their right mind decide to stick to me! I mean I get it, first days in New York, you didn't know anyone, but now you do! I'm sure you've made friends, how couldn't you! And there's Valerie! You've got a job, and friends, a family that loves you, a ... I don't know what, girlfriend, boyfriend, what! That calls you every day and night! You've got people in your life! People that are way more worth it than I am so why waste time with me! Unless it's all a joke! I mean, what else could it be! A joke, a bet, something! I don't see another reason!"
When I stopped, I was wheezing, my heart racing like a fool, my head thumping as if it'd been knocked with a hammer, even my bones ached. It's always like that. The rare times I blow up, it affects me physically, so much so that I can barely breathe. Feeling lightheaded, I brought a hand to my chest, falling against the wall.
"Joanna!" Ben shouted, but I held my hand up.
"Leave."
"You know, I-"
I shook my head. "Just go."
"No."
"What do you mean no! I asked you to leave!"
"You don't know what you're asking." He stated solemnly, once again breaching my personal space.
"Ben ..."
He shook his head. "You need a shower, and some rest."
"What I need, is for you to understand the meaning of boundaries every once in a while." I wheezed, trying to calm down. Fun fact, if I blew up more often, maybe it wouldn't be this bad. Another fun fact, anxiety attacks are a thing, and I have it. This wasn't even a bad one, believe me, just a mild episode.
"Oh, I know the meaning of boundaries." Ben scoffed, taking off some of the vomit from my hair. "I just don't give a shit about them."
"Proper stalker talk." I scoffed back, looking away from him.
"If caring enough about you not to leave when you clearly need me the most is stalking, then I guess I'm a stalker." He claimed, deadly serious.
I turned to him, amazed. "You ..."
"Jesus, JoJo, why do you think I've been around? All those stupid reasons you gave, all bullshit. The only reason why I'm around you, is that you're my friend and I care about you. Simple as that." He went on removing the sticky grimy glop from my hair."
"But ..." The kiss. What about that kiss?
Ben ignored my objections, he just reached for the shower, opened the door, and then the faucet, letting water run for a bit until it became hot enough to be comfortably steamy, then he closed the faucet. "Can you manage?" He hinted at the shower.
I blushed. "Yes."
He feigned a little impish grin, and I would have sworn that when his eyes raked over my frame, there was something in them, but I'm not quite sure what. "Then I'll wait outside."
When he left, I closed the door behind him, and finally let myself restart breathing. What the hell just happened? Unable to retain myself, I went to stand in front of the mirror. My hair was up in a messy bun, makeup was all smudged, due to tears and water; I felt sticky, the dress was glued to my frame, and not in a flattering way – it just exposed my every unappealing curve.
Ben saw this entire mess ... I doubt he can really see me any worse than this. But the weird part is, he would stay regardless. I guess that's what friendship is. Oddly enough, the word friendship had a sour taste this time.
After having taken a deep breath, I opened the faucet to wash the makeup off my face, but then I remembered that the doctor said I shouldn't let the bandage get wet unless it sticks to the wound – in that case I should use cool water to unstick it. I looked around, trying to find something I could cover the bandage with, but I couldn't find anything. Sighing, I opened the door with my good hand, only to then yelp when I found Ben lying in my bed, cozily reading a book. "What ..."
"Well, that was a lightning speed shower. Wow." He commented sarcastically as he looked up from the book.
"I ... didn't ... you shouldn't be in here."
"I said I would wait outside the bathroom, didn't I?"
I rolled my eyes. "Yes, but not ... here." Unless you wanna see me naked, you freak, I almost said.
Ben sat up, placing the book on the bed – I'll admit the gentleness with which he did that, surprised me –, "you can't manage on your own, can you?"
"I just need something for the ..." I unconsciously showed the bandage. A bit embarrassed – which was still nothing compared to everything that happened just a while ago –, I reached for my bag, knowing there would be a plastic bag in there. Yeah, I always have a bag of chips in my bag, for when I get snacky. I guess I just proved him there's indeed a reason why I'm so fat.
Ben watched me fumble with the bag of chips as I tried to open it with my teeth, and only when he got tired of yet another one of my humiliating stunts, he stood up, and came over to me. He took the bag of chips from me, and threw it onto the bed, then much to my surprise, he took out an empty plastic bag from his back pocket.
I furrowed my eyebrows as I watched him wrapped that bag around my bandage. "You enjoy this too much."
He chuckled. "Guilty as charged." He looked me up and down for a moment, then reached for the hem of my dress, and lifted it.
"What ..."
"Lift your arms."
I obeyed without thinking, which left me clad in my underwear, my entire imperfections exposed. Instinctively, I tried to cover myself, but Ben rolled his eyes, pushing me into the bathroom. Standing behind me, he unclasped my bra, making me let out a small screech. "Ben ..."
"Arms stretched out in front of you." He ordered.
"This is not ..." He stretched my arms for me, which caused him to get closer, enough for his hard chest to graze against my back. "This is so humiliating."
"You need a shower and you can't do it on your own. I'd say this is the only possible solution." He explained. "If you'd rather I called Valerie, I can do that, but she's working."
"No ..."
"Then let's just get on with it, okay? I'm not even looking; my eyes are closed." Indeed, they were – I noticed when I turned to look at him –, but what difference does it make? It was still embarrassing as hell. Gay or not gay – which is still unclear to me, given the whole kissing business –, it was still a guy seeing me completely naked, my fat rolls and stretch marks exposed. Oh, sure, his eyes were closed, but were they entire time?
"We'll never say a word about this, okay?" I murmured, ashamed.
Ben chuckled. "Alright." His chest pushed against my back when he patted me down, trying to blindly find his way to my underwear.
"Ben?" I called when I felt something odd against the small of my back.
"It's my phone." He explained quickly, sounding a little embarrassed. He made sure not to brush any particular area he shouldn't have, so it took way longer than necessary, but after that phone incident, he also made sure not to get too close to me physically.
I always thought this kind of episodes wasn't believable in real life, but I guess I was wrong. Then again, I am not much believable as a human being, so I suppose it figures. It still remains that never, even in my wildest dreams, would have I imagined that one day I would be standing in my bathroom, with a bandaged hand, while my gay (or not so gay?) friend undresses me and helps me hop into the shower. It's more believable that Sheldon would suddenly kiss Penny when he helped her do the exact same thing Ben was helping me with – except she had a strained shoulder, not a scalded hand.
Like in a trash comedy movie, once he was done undressing me, I had to guide Ben to the shower door, since he still had his eyes closed. He cleared his throat. "Uh ... you can take it from here. I'll wait outside." And without letting me reply, he made his blind way out of the bathroom. Well, if this doesn't make us friends for life, I don't know what will.