I woke up after what felt like years of sleep. My body felt heavy, along with my mind.
The sheets of my bed felt to scratchy and everything that touched me, made my skin feel on fire.
I thrashed around in my bed only to realize my hand was gripping onto something. Or someone.
Bringing my eyes down to my hand that hung loose over the edge of my bed, I saw I was holding a tattooed hand, the hand belonging to Pete.
My eyes scanned over his sleeping body as he lay on my messy bedroom floor.
How had he kept his grip on my hand the entire time he was sleeping?
Every memory from hours earlier rushed into my head in a matter of seconds. Embarrassed of my actions, my hand left Pete's grip to wrap around my body. I was suddenly cold and the blankets around me weren't keeping me warm.
My body shook uncontrollably as I stared up at the ceiling above me. I shouldn't deserve to be where I am right now. I should be dead. I wanted to be dead.
I felt as tears began to stream down my face and I quickly wiped them away. My head was already throbbing and I knew crying would only make it worse.
The feeling of loneliness surrounded me as I laid in the cold bed and shivered. Though Pete was just down on the floor, feet away from me, I felt more alone then ever.
More tears quietly ran down my face, causing the t-shirt I was wearing to become wet. I found it in no way beneficial to try and stop myself from crying so I let myself go.
I tried to remain as quiet as I could, burying my head into my pillow to muffle my cries. I didn't want to be here.
Minutes went by but it felt like hours. Stirring down from the floor caused me to turn my head to face Pete who was moving around until his eyes fluttered open.
Immediately he turned to me and I quickly tried to hide myself from him, hoping that he hadn't seen me.
He didn't say anything so I assumed he hadn't noticed me until I felt a dip at the foot of my bed.
No words left his mouth, but I felt a large hand place on my back as he began rubbing it soothingly.
Slowly, I brought my face out from my pillow and turned to where Pete was sitting at the end of my bed.
He held a sad look on his face as he stared down at me. A face I never wanted to see him wear again.
"I am so sorry Shae." He whispered as I continued to look at him with red puffy eyes.
"Why are you sorry?" I sniffled back finally finding the courage to speak.
"I'm sorry you want to die." He said gently. But it felt more like a shot in the chest.
I began to cry again and buried my face back down in the pillows.
Pete's hand retracted from my back and I felt him climb over me to lay down on the other side of the bed.
He didn't touch me. He just laid there next to me.
I listened to his soft breathing as I cried. My body shook violently, as I became more cold.
Turing my head to face Pete I noticed he was looking at me.
"Pete I'm so cold." I cried out weakly.
Not saying anything he opened his arms up to me. Taking the chance for warmth I immediately wrapped myself in his long arms.
They held me tightly as I cried into his chest, that was covered by a black sweatshirt. My legs instinctively wrapped around his, but he didn't dare move a muscle. I was so thankful for him at this moment.
"Why do you wanna leave Shae?" Pete said quietly, his voice breaking in the middle of the sentence.
Taking my face out of his chest I looked up to see his eyes were being stricken with tears.
"I don't know Pete everything just hurts and feels shitty all the time, I need a release or I'm going to go fucking insane." I said
"Dying is your release?"
The question caught me off guard. I continued to stare up at him thinking about my answer. His arms tightened around me making sure I knew he wasn't going to leave.
"I guess so." I say shakily
"Ya know I think about how I want to die all the fucking time." He bluntly stated.
The statement hurt my heart.
"I feel shitty all the time, and sometimes I use cutting as a release. Not as much anymore but only when I can't find the release anywhere else." He said
"You cut?" I asked not ever noticing any cut marks on him.
"Yeah there not really noticeable cause of all to tattoos."
I sighed heavily as I buried my face into his neck. Friend or not, Pete felt like the only person who actually cared for me.
"Maybe one day we can just die together." I whispered
"Maybe... but for now I'm fighting as hard as I fucking can every single day to stay on this earth. And I'm gonna make sure you do the same thing. I'm not ready to go, we still have a lot of time to leave our mark on the world."
His words would be stuck in mind for the entirety of my life. I wanted to fight with and for him. Because right now he was the thing I could find fighting for.
We fell silent for a while as the two of us became trapped in our own thoughts. Whether they were good or bad it was always hard to escape them.
"Im really fucking sorry you had to see the scary side of me." I said through the silence.
"I've had to do it lot, on myself and others. Trust me I can get a lot scarier then you can. But don't but fucking sorry, your in pain and your brain was telling you that you needed to take those drugs. It's not your fault." He responded bringing a hand to my hair and rubbing his fingers through the tangled mess.
"Does anyone know?" I asked thinking about if anyone else was here when Pete came to find me.
"I only told Claire, when I walked into the house to find you it didn't seem like anyone was home so I figured I should tell at least someone else." He said
I only sighed. I hoped she hadn't told Megan or Liv because I didn't want to be overwhelmed with their worry. I didn't want them to know I was struggling, they don't deserve the extra stress on their lives.
"I don't think Claire told anyone, or else Megan would have kicked down your door by now." Pete said noticing my stress levels rising.
I let out a light hearted chuckle.
I wrapped my arms around Pete and they rested on his back. I was practically wrapped around him like a koala but I didn't think he cared or else he would've stopped me by now.
"You need some more sleep Shae." Pete said a tinge of concern in his voice.
"Yeah." I sighed
"Go to sleep, everything is okay now. I'm here and I'm not fucking leaving." Pete whispered softly into my ear.
Tucking my head into his chest, I closed my eyes falling asleep to the sound of Pete's heartbeat.
-
"Shae, I think it's time you leave this cave." Pete laughed looking down at me as I sat on the carpet sorting through the many clothes that had made there way to the floor after the last couple of weeks.
About two weeks had gone by since the entire "event" had occurred. Pete stayed with me overnight in the house for a couple days, and for the rest of the time he wasn't there he came over everyday and stayed from the morning till the time I went to sleep.
We had definitely grown closer and he was the one person I really felt I could depend on. Once I was finally ready, I told Megan what happened which then caused Colson to find out soon after.
I wasn't surprised that Megan told Colson right away, and they both respectfully honored my space. So in the end I wasn't really that annoyed.
Claire had been living with Liv throughout this to give me my space as well. I realized that they all really cared for me and I was very grateful for the group of friends I had surrounded myself with.
Pete thankfully called Gretchen for me and she gave me a little bit of a hiatus from therapy for a while knowing it really wasn't helping me in the first place.
I begged to smoke weed, but Pete wouldn't allow me to because he didn't want me to get back into anything to quickly. I understood where he was getting at but it was still a little fucking much.
Knowing I was annoyed with his "rules" he took a break from smoking to make it easier for me and so we could both keep each other accountable.
"This is what mental illness does to people like us." I shrugged throwing the pile of dirty clothes I had curated into the laundry basket that was set aside next to me.
"What if you stayed at my place for a while? New change of scenery." Pete called from the hallway where he had taken the laundry basket from the floor to the washer and dryer.
He walked back into my room and leaned against the door frame.
"You don't think your mom and sister would mind?" I asked wanting to be cautious of his family members and not wanting to take over their lives.
"Trust me they'll be totally fine. Colson lived with us for like three months after he got kicked out of his apartment complex and they loved having him there."
I smiled up at Pete.
"And your way less of a dick then he is..."
"Thanks?" I laughed as I stood up from the floor.
Walking over to where Pete was standing, I wrapped my arms around his waist pulling him into a hug.
"Did I ever tell you how grateful I am for you?" I said looking into his eyes
"No, but you didn't need to." He said smiling as he looked down at me.
"Well I am."
"Me too." He said kissing the top of my head.
We stood hugging for a couple of minutes and I felt safe. I would say I felt content for the first time in my life.
"So what do you say?" Pete said loosening his grip from my waist.
Taking a step back I stared at him.
"Sure why not." I finally said shrugging with a wide smile.
"Good, now let's clean the rest of your shit up."
I laughed as we both began to clean my room. Luckily the clothes were already being taken care of so there wasn't much left to do besides throw out the random shit I had lying around.
A couple of hours went by and my room was finally clean. Pete had helped me fold my laundry which made everything go by a lot quicker then it would have if it would've been just me.
"You might as well just pack some of these clothes instead of putting them all away." Pete suggested as he folded the last shirt that was in the basket.
We were sitting in the living room watching "The Office" reruns as we folded.
"Yeah your right." I said scanning over the many piles of now clean clothes trying to decide what I wanted to bring.
"How long do you think I'll be at your place?" I say looking over to Pete who sitting besides me on the couch.
"However long you want." He shrugged
"Well that's great but that doesn't necessarily help me decide how many items of clothing I need to bring."
Leaning over to look over the clothes, Pete studied each separate pile until he grabbed a random t-shirt and sweatpants.
"Here, there's one outfit done." He said proudly handing me the two pieces of clothing.
"You know I need a bra and underwear right?" I teased nudging his shoulder.
"I mean I was gonna let you choose that yourself but I mean if you insist-
He began stretching his arm over me and reaching over to the pile of underwear that I folded that lied on the coffee table in front of us.
"No!" I yelled grabbing his wrist before he could actually grab for anything.
He laughed setting his hand in his lap and focusing his attention on the tv.
My cheeks flushed with embarrassment.
"You don't have to be embarrassed Shae it's not like I haven't seen you in them before." He winked taking a glance at me
"Shut the fuck up." I laughed hitting the back of his head.
We both laughed and watched the tv for a bit finally being able to relax after all the cleaning we had done.
"I'll be back in a little bit." I said standing up from the couch, starting to put the folded piles of clothes into the laundry basket to carry into my room.
"Where you going?" He asked, his eyes following me as I began to walk away from the living room.
"I'm going to go pack up some clothes." I said
"You sure you don't want help?" He joked, smiling widely
"Nah I think I'm good but I'll call for you if I change my mind." I smirked turning on my heel as I began to walk down the hall to my bedroom.