love, or the lack thereof (p. davidson)

twenty seven

I wake up finding myself in an empty bed. A feeling of loneliness and shame creep inside of me.

He left, I would have never thought he was capable of that. But I guess I didn't know him as much I thought I did.

My arms wrap around myself, hoping to feel any bit of comfort as tears start to stain my face.

I regret everything. I never should have let him back in, every feeling I was working on erasing flooded back in a matter of one night. One night that was a fucking mistake.

The covers were wrapped around my body as I shivered from feeling a cold and dark feeling. Shame.

My eyes are squeezed tightly shut as I try to keep myself from crying. There was no point in crying over someone who clearly didn't care about me.

The sound of my bedroom door creaking open, causes me to try and silence my cries and I wipe a hand across my face, preparing myself for Claire to walk in and ask me what was wrong.

Instead, a tall figure enters my room. My eyes immediately recognized the tattoos scattered across the persons bare chest as they neared closer to the bed.

"I never thought you would wake up." A smile is set across his face as he chuckles softly climbing into the bed next to me.

I don't respond, to stunned to speak.

Remained turned away from him, a arm is wrapped around my body that was covered in an oversized t-shirt, bringing me closer to the warm body I could never forget.

Memories of the two of us in his house flood into my mind, the feeling of his arm wrapped safely around me bringing me back to times I was hoping to forget.

I couldn't control it any longer. More tears poured from my red shot eyes and I let myself break down in his arms.

"Hey... hey what's wrong?" He asks gently holding me tighter.

Words refused to come from my mouth only sobs. My mind was more than conflicted. I was letting Pete back into my life when I continuously told myself I wanted to distance myself from him.

And now that he was here, in my bed, comforting me it brought up emotions I had been trying to hold back for weeks now.

As I continue to cry, Pete holds me whispering soft "nothings" into my ear to try and comfort me. But they were only making things worse.

I was mad, confused, angry at myself, but I had never felt more love for anyone then for the boy lying next to me.

"I shouldn't have let this happen." I blurt out angrily not even thinking.

In a matter of seconds I was thrashing my body away from him and desperately trying to escape his comforting touch.

"Shae calm down..." he says to me as I climb out of the bed and frantically pace around my small room.

"I can't fucking calm down Pete, last night shouldn't have happened..."

Pete moved to sit at the edge of the bed, his eyes moving back and forth as he follows my fast movements.

"No you don't mean that."

"I can't do this... I can't-

My breathing was fast and heavy, words becoming nothing more than nonsense.

He stands up trying to move closer to me in order to try and calm me down. But that was the last thing I wanted from him.

Slowly I backed away from him as I was starting to feel suffocated. My back eventually hit the door as he tried moving towards me.

My body and mind couldn't handle being in this space with him any longer. If I did I was surely going to pass out.

My hand reaches for the door knob twisting it open, I turn around opening the door and rushing into the hallways of the house.

Without I thinking, I rush towards the front door, unlocking it and stepping out onto the front porch.

Not even taking a second to catch my breath I run out into the front yard, to frantic to notice the hard rain pouring down from the sky.

I was instantly drenched in rain, my hair and shirt soaked.

My body was shaking as I stood in the front yard not sure what to do. In a matter of seconds I recognize Pete's heavy footsteps step onto the front porch.

My eyes direct towards where he was standing. Now, a shirt covering his bare chest.

I watch as he slowly walks down the steps of the front porch and onto the grass of the front yard.

Just like me, the rain poured down on him, his wet hair falling onto his forehead.

I stood and cried watching as each step he took, took him closer to me.

"Why are you running from me?" He yells through the harsh rain.

I don't answer, ashamed of the truth.

"Shae answer me, why do you want from me?"

He stops dead in his tracks only a couple feet away from me. The two of us staring at one another.

"I can't do this Pete." I say desperately

"Do what?" He asks confused

More hot tears pour down my face being mixed with the rain droplets that pelted down on me.

"This..." I yell out pointing between the two of us.

He stays silent.

"Pete, I'm scared, I like you okay, I have ever since I moved in with you. But I was to scared to admit it, if you felt different I knew everything would change and I couldn't handle that."

His eyes stay focused on mine as I finally say what I've been keeping in for so long.

"Last night was a mistake. I shouldn't have called you, or had sex with you. Because look at the fucking mess it caused." My arms thrash around me as the rain only comes down harder.

"I'm sorry I can't handle this, it's to much I should have never let you into my life, I shouldn't have let you be so nice and convince me that you actually cared."

Pete takes a simple step forward before stopping again.

"I'm sorry..." I repeat not sure what else to say.

Silence surrounds us, the only sound heard was is the rain pouring.

"You've liked me for that long?"

His question comes out simple. He stares at me deeply, licking his lips from the rain.

"Pete-

I take heavy breaths, preparing myself for the words that were about to come from my mouth. Words I've been wanting to tell him. Words that held so much meaning that if he didn't feel the same would break us in a matter of seconds.

"I'm fucking in love with you."