love, or the lack thereof (p. davidson)

twenty four

The car ride to Claire's house was dead silent. It wasn't unexpected however. The last week with me living with Pete and his family were very much nonevent-full. Amy had insisted on throwing me a small "goodbye" party yesterday, but I kindly declined knowing if she did, it would make leaving a lot harder then it already was.

I could feel Pete's glance on me every couple of minutes, only making the built up tension in the car 10x worse.

As Pete turned the car into the all-to-familiar neighborhood where Claire lived, a sense of regret and guilt washed over me.

I slightly turned my head to look over at Pete who was to busy focusing on driving to notice my stare.

No matter how hard I have been trying, my feelings for him hadn't vanished like I wished they would've.

They were very much still there and every time I looked at him I was remembered of them.

I felt the car stop, not noticing Pete had parked in the driveway of the place I once use to stay in.
We both sat in silence. Neither of us wanting to take the first steps of getting out of the car. Knowing if we did, things would begin to change.

I unbuckle my seat belt slowly, still frozen in the passenger seat of Pete's black car that I had grown to find comfort in.

I kept telling myself that all I have to do is get out of this car and then the hardest part would be over. And then hopefully my feelings for the boy sitting next to me would be over. Once and for fucking all.

Sighing deeply, I push all thoughts out of my head and open the car door. The hardest part is almost over.

I don't dare take a glance at Pete knowing if I did I would simply regret it. Instead, my eyes stayed glued to the concrete driveway as I made my way out of the car and to the trunk.

As I opened the back where most of my boxes were, I here the front door of the house open and Claire comes running towards me with a wide smile.

Though we had hung out a couple times while I was living with Pete, it had felt like forever since we've seen one another.

"Shae! Oh my god!" She yells out as her fast feet carry her to me.

I can't help but laugh at how ridiculous she looked running at me and screaming.

Once Claire nears me she immediately engulfs me in a bear hug. I luckily had no boxes in my hands yet.

We remain hugging for a couple of long seconds until she eventually steps back from me.

"Fuck, I missed you." She says

"I missed you to." I say simply with a smile

As Claire starts to ramble on about the things I had missed while I was gone, I can't help but notice that Pete was still sitting in the car.

"Hey can you take some of these inside to my room." I ask Claire as I point to the boxes that were sitting in the trunk.

"Oh yeah sure."

She grabs two boxes and starts heading back up towards the house.

"I'll be in, in just a sec." I call out to her.

She only throws me a thumbs up as she continues walking. Exhaling, I peer over at the side mirror where I can see some of Pete's face. He is staring straight ahead and he looks lost. His eyes held something in them that I couldn't describe.

Okay, so maybe getting out the car wasn't the hardest thing I was going to have to do today.

I slowly walk towards the drivers side and knock on the window to get Pete's attention. He jumps slightly at the sound of my knocking, not noticing I had been standing there.

He turns to look at me for a solid second but then only turns back to face forward. I take that as a sign that if he wasn't gonna talk I would have to first.

My hand grips the door handle, the car door opening swiftly.

"Pete you okay?" I ask, one of my hands using the door to balance myself.

At first he stays quiet, until he glances back towards where I was standing

"Honestly...

He starts and then inhales deeply and looks down at his shoes.

"I don't know Shae. Something just feels off." He says finishing his sentence.

I stare at him and a sad smile appears on my face.

"Yeah I know what you mean." I say before deciding to sit down on the concrete.

"I guess I just wasn't ready for you to leave yet." Laughing slightly he glances down at me.

I don't say anything and just stare down at my hands that rested in my lap. We both remain quiet for a couple minutes until I feel his hand reach out for mine.

I let him take my hand and hold it, knowing this would probably be the last time I would feel his hand in mine. Again, that was due to the inner "rules" I had decided to force myself into following.

Hot tears begin to run down my cheeks and I quickly use the sleeve of the hoodie I was wearing to wipe them away.

"You can cry, it's alright." Pete says softly to me as he squeezes my hand tighter.

I sniffle and laugh, feeling embarrassed that I was sitting here crying about a boy that I would never end up with.

Eventually, I take my hand out of his grasp and set it back down in my lap.

"You know I'm only a text away right. Just because your moving back here doesn't mean we have to stop being friends."

Internally, the word "friends" stabs me deep in the chest, deep enough to hit my heart. But at least now I knew that he was on the same page I was on. But he also didn't know that once I officially moved in, I planned on maintaining my distance. Only to save us from both getting hurt.

"Yeah I know." I say quietly, sniffling again before standing up.

I wipe off my sweatpants seeing as there was some dirt on them from sitting down on the driveway.

"Come on I need your help carrying all these heavy ass boxes into the house." I say to him with a smile.

He looks at me and laughs softly. I notice a smile on his face for the first time today.

"Okay, but I'll make sure to take one box at a time so it takes longer."

I shuffle my feet and smile at his words. I walk to the back of the car so he can climb out of the drivers seat without me in the way.

Standing there, I feel the cold breeze hit my face and it oddly helps me feel more calm. As I look down at all of the cardboard boxes with different written labels, I sense Pete's tall stature as he walks over and stands close to me.

"One box at a time, that way we don't have to say goodbye so soon." He says quietly as he stares at all of the boxes in front of him.

"Got it." I say in almost a whisper.

We both turn to look at one another and though I was smiling, on the inside I only felt pain.