BLURB:
❝It was completely white, except for its bloody mouth, which had a black substance leaking out of it, and a long black tongue sticking out.❞
She woke up in a mental asylum, with no memory of who she was, or how she got there. All she knows is that the place is dangerous, and she needs to survive, or escape. Her only consistent form of help is a small voice that rings in her mind. Is she going o survive in this place? Or will its monsters get the best of her?
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YOUR COVER: (5/10) Your cover is simple and basic, and there's nothing wrong with that. It definitely gives off the vibe of peace and quiet, which represents your title. However, it doesn't fit your genre. This seems to be a cover used for a story about a local coffee shop or a collection of short stories, not for a paranormal story. There should be an element of magic or otherness that lets potential readers know which genre this story belongs to. That way, you will also draw in the right readers for your story. You can find a graphic designer to do this for you, or you can find a cover shop featured in my reading list to help you.
YOUR TITLE: (7/10) I can see that it accurately represents your story (the title of your protagonist and the lack of her words), and an underlying message about silence of some kind is sprinkled throughout your work. Keep in mind that if you choose to keep a title like this, then you need to work harder on everything else, as this title does not give off the 'paranormal' vibe, and it isn't unique enough to stand out on its own.
YOUR BLURB: (4/5) I appreciate that the excerpt used at the top of the blurb represents the genre, as well as gives off the hint of what kind of story this is. It can invoke feelings from potential readers, as well as give off a mysterious vibe. As a reader, I wondered, "Is this real, or all imagination?" And that made me want to read more and find out for myself. You have a spelling typo in the actual section of your blurb, however. Before you put out a blurb that will basically represent your story, make sure to thoroughly read it over, edit, proof-read, and tighten/shorten your sentences.
YOUR HOOK: (4/5) Right off the bat, I got a feel for the story based on the mood, atmosphere, and additionally, your writing capabilities. There were some elements that you were lacking, however. I felt that you could expand upon your description. You want to showcase your writing abilities so your readers can trust you and your writing style. What was the darkness like? What can you compare it with, and what about how your protagonist is feeling? You can describe more than that they feel like they're floating in nothingness. Additionally, you're missing necessary punctuation, as the end of the sentence always needs to be followed by a period.
YOUR GRAMMAR: (4/10) You struggled with your punctuation and capitalization with dialogues. If your dialogue is accompanied with a dialogue tag (he said, she yelled, they shouted, describing the way someone says something), the dialogue tag is a continuation of the dialogue sentence. For example, it doesn't make sense for the clause, "She said," to be a sentence by itself. Therefore, it's part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue should end in a comma to indicate that the sentence isn't complete, and the start of a dialogue tag is not capitalized, as it's not the start of a new sentence. The opposite goes for action tags. If your dialogue is accompanied by an action tag (she grinned/he sighed/they walked away, basically an action), the action should not be part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue doesn't help the action tag make sense; the action tag should be a sentence by itself. Therefore, the dialogue should end in a period to signify the end of the sentence, and the start of the action tag should always be capitalized, as it's the start of a new sentence. Of course, the punctuation may vary. Exclamation marks and question marks can end a dialogue regardless of the tag accompanying it, as long as if it's a dialogue tag, the dialogue never ends in a period, and for an action tag, it never ends in a comma.
Example of dialogue + dialogue tag: "'I'm okay,' she said." OR "She said, 'I'm okay.'"
Example of dialogue + action tag: "'I'm okay.' She forced a smile." OR "She forced a smile. 'I'm okay.'"
When writing your dialogue and dialogue tags, especially with the voice in your protagonist's head, you have a habit of separating the dialogue and the dialogue tag in two paragraphs and making them two separate sentences. This is incorrect, and if you read the paragraph above, you probably realized this by now. This is a commonly recurring mistake, so watch out for this when writing or editing in the future.
I noticed that you sometimes left out punctuation in your dialogues. Just like ending sentences, dialogues need to be ended as well. Just because you add a dialogue mark to the end doesn't mean it's a complete sentence. It isn't complete until you add a punctuation mark at the end. I've pointed out some examples of this below.
You had some comma mistakes in your writing. Commas are used to separate different clauses. There are two types of clauses: Independent and dependent. They both have subjects (who/what is doing the action), and a predicate (the action being done). The difference between the two is that an independent clause can stand alone as its own sentence, while a dependent clause depends on another clause to make sense. If more than one clause is joined together, they should be separated with a comma. For example, this sentence, "I cried, then Billy ran away," there are two different independent clauses. One is "I cried," and the other is "Billy ran away." You'll notice that they're separated with a conjunction and a comma. You often misuse commas in this sense or forget to add them. Commas can also be used to separate an introductory phrase or word before the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause is "I went to work," and you'll notice that it has a subject "I" and a predicate "went." The word "today" is excluded and needs to be separated with a comma. The correction is: "Today, I went to work."
I noticed the amount of comma splices used as well. A comma splice is joining two different independent clauses together, and separating them with a comma, but not a conjunction. An example of this is: "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two different independent clauses, "I went to work" and "I drove in my car." They both have predicates and subjects, and are separated with a comma. However, you must separate them with a conjunction as well. Without a conjunction, this turns into a comma splice. You have two options in this case. You can either replace the comma with a period and turn it into two different sentences, or add in a conjunction. In this case, the correction can be, "I went to work, and I drove in my car," or "I went to work. I drove in my car." You have many cases of comma splices in your writing, which I've pointed out for you. There were many that I haven't pointed out, so make sure to do that.
You sometimes slipped up in your tense. Whether your story is set in past or present tense, you need to pick one and stay in it. If you're in past tense, you should use words such as "didn't" and "wanted." If you're writing in present tense, you should use, "don't" and "want." I've shown a few examples where you slipped up your tense below, so keep this rule in mind for future writing.
YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (3/5) I didn't find many spelling errors in your writing, but there were still some typos I found sprinkled throughout your chapters. I suggest thoroughly editing and/or proof-reading before uploading a chapter. That way, you can avoid silly typos and such. Additionally, you tend to use weak verbs and passive voice. I suggest strengthening your vocabulary and use of diction, and avoid using repetitive diction choices that might bore your audience.
YOUR PLOT: (18/20) I found the plot of your story fascinating! This was a unique concept that you wove into the story, and I found no clichés or generic descriptions throughout your writing. You had a generally wonderful narrating voice that told each event in an organized manner. I wasn't confused about anything while reading this, your chapters were appropriate at length, and there were no repetitive events. You captured the idea of how lonely your protagonist felt, and I continuously felt that throughout your chapters. There were some scenes where I felt that you could elaborate. For example, you tend to tell, not show. I didn't feel your character's emotions as strongly as I would have liked, especially during the more dangerous of situations. You also repetitively described the setting, and I ended up not learning as much about the protagonist's world as I would have liked to.
YOUR CHARACTERS: (7/10) At this stage of the story, your character isn't fully developed, which is expected, as I've only read five chapters. I felt that this distance and the way you described your character contributed to the mysteriousness and loneliness of her surroundings, which I loved! As I've mentioned earlier, I would have liked to see stronger reactions and emotions at the dangerous scenes. That would have helped your audience understand and connect with your protagonist better. You want to build the tension to let the readers know something was about to happen, or to build that sense of urgency that your protagonist's life was in danger. You could describe adrenaline, fear, etc.
YOUR VOICE: (16/20) I appreciated the cleanliness of your writing style and the simplicity. Your descriptions were easy to read and helped me visualize the scene. I noticed, however, that you tend to describe things in a very clinical, detached way. There was no emotion I could sense from your descriptions. Additionally, you tended to tell, not show. You would say, "I was scared," or, "It was cold." You should tell your readers these things without being direct about it. You also have a lot of repetition with phrases and sentence starters, as well as the word "had," all throughout your chapters. It felt repetitive and as though I was reading the same thing over and over again, so make sure to avoid that. You also have a tendency to repeat something exactly in the same way, even though you already described it two paragraphs earlier. I pointed this out for you in your chapter, but when editing in the future, make sure to check if you repeated anything twice.
STORY FLOW: (4/5) For the most part, your transitions were smooth, and the story pacing was smooth and uninterrupted. I was impressed with the quality of storytelling and the order in which each event/scene was presented. I noticed that you have repetitive transition phrases, however. You also have the habit of, in a paragraph, starting every sentence with the same word or phrase. This makes your writing sound stilted and awkward, and takes away from the flow of your story.
So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to each individual chapter..
CHAPTER 1:
1. "Feeling the fear of a nightmare that you've just awakened from, but cannot remember exactly what it was, or why it scared you." (p.6). Here, you suddenly jumped into second person. You must stay consistent with your point of view, or it will break the flow of the story. There are times and places to address the audience, and this is not one of those times. Correction: "Feeling the fear of a nightmare I've just awakened from, but I cannot remember exactly what it was, or why it scared me." Additionally, you started off in present tense, then converted to past tense for the rest of the chapter. Your tense use needs to be consistent as well, or it can break the flow of the story.
2. "The room had one, small window, with thick cracked glass and bars on the other side..." (p.8). You have an unnecessary comma here, and you also need a comma in the second clause. Correction: "The room had one small window, with thick, cracked glass and bars on the other side..."
3. From paragraph 9 to 12, you have a repetition with starting each paragraph with the word "I." This makes your writing sound repetitive and the same as the one preceding it. I suggest experimenting with different sentence structures to avoid this problem.
4. In paragraph 13, you started a sentence with "I didn't know..." Then, in paragraph 15, you have the same sentence structure, starting with "I didn't know..." Again, this is repetitive, and can bore your readers if you continuously use the same sentence starters and introductory phrases.
5. "It was rushing towards me, all eyes focused on me, its hands, at least that's what I thought they were, had long claws on the end of them, covered in blood." (p.17). This is an abnormally long sentence, and can muddy up the readability/clarity for your readers. You're also using passive voice, which is basically saying that something was done, instead of simply stating that something happened. I suggest avoiding this technique because it has a weaker impact on your audience. Correction/Suggestion: "It started rushing towards me, all eyes focused on me. Its hands—at least that's what I thought they were—had long claws on the end of them, covered in blood." Notice how I used em dashes to show that there was a thought overlapping the clauses.
6. "It didn't last long when I saw the beast at the top of the stairs, it stopped and looked at me for a moment..." (p.20). You have a comma splice here. As a reminder, a comma splice is joining two clauses together with a comma, but not a conjunction. To correct this, you can replace the comma with a period, or add in a conjunction. I normally prefer and suggest the former, because shorter sentences always mean clearer readability. Correction: "It didn't last long when I saw the beast at the top of the stairs. It stopped and looked at me for a moment..."
7. "I quickly scrambled up and felt a warm liquid moving down my face." (p.21). This has a weak impact on your audience. "Moving" doesn't invoke emotions or any sense of urgency within your readers. A better option would be something like "sliding" or "dripping."
8. "It was white and had the same poor state as the rest of the building." (p.29). You have poor wording used here. I suggest replacing "had" with "was in."
9. "Long, straight black hair, some drenched in blood and knotted from the gash on my head..." (p.30). "Hair" is a mass noun which means it technically isn't something to define a singular or plural noun. By using "some," you're indicating that it's countable. I suggest adding in filler words to avoid this, or replace it all together. Correction: "Long, straight black hair, some of it drenched in blood and knotted from the gash on my head..." OR "Long, straight black hair, part of it drenched in blood and knotted from the gash on my head..."
10. You have a lot of repetition with the word "had." Technically, using a sentence structure such as, "I had gotten my bag..." is a particular past tense that shouldn't be applied here. It's hard to explain, but it's someone explaining in past tense, something that happened in the past. It's pinpointing an exact moment in time that the character did before that moment. In your writing, you are in past tense, but your character is still experiencing the events as the story goes along; she isn't recalling the events from the future. Because of that, these structures shouldn't be applied to your writing. A few examples of this I found were "I had tired myself out..." and "I had looked around the room."
11. The journal entry sounds just like you, as the author, narrating the story, rather than the character herself scribbling these notes down at the end. The same writing style was used, so it didn't feel like an individual person wrote these. You can add repetitive phrases and sentence starters or repetitive grammar mistakes in a journal entry to characterize the writing and help the audience see things through your protagonist's mind.
CHAPTER 2:
1. "When I woke up it was dark, that was a good thing and a bad thing." (p.1). You have a comma splice here, and you're missing a comma. Correction: "When I woke up, it was dark. That was a good thing and a bad thing."
2. "I grabbed the door and gave a low groan as it opened." (p.2). Because you're missing necessary filler words here, it sounds like she groaned while opening the door, not the door groaning. Correction: "I grabbed the door, and it gave a low groan as it opened." You can also expand on this sentence. Add your own unique descriptions to help your readers see this in their heads. Did the groan break the unsettling silence? Was it a deafening roar in her mind? See how there's so much room for artistic touches? (Notice the comma I added).
3. In paragraph 3, you wrote, "I walked out and looked around" twice.
4. I suggest reading paragraph 4 out loud. It sounds awkward, right? That is because almost all your sentences in paragraph 4 starts with "they." It sounds repetitive that way. I suggest using different sentence structures to avoid this.
5. "I looked at the wound and winced, now that it wasn't bleeding I could see it more clearly." (p.9). You have a comma splice here. Remember, a comma splice is when you join two clauses together with a comma, but without a conjunction. To correct this, you can add in a conjunction, or replace the comma with a period (I recommend the latter). You're also missing a necessary comma. Correction: "I looked at the wound and winced. Now that it wasn't bleeding, I could see it more clearly."
6. "If I wanted to last more than 3 months I had to wing it and save them for more serious injuries" (p.12). I suggest writing numbers from one to ten (and over that, as well). That way, you can remain professional as the author, and it won't break the flow of the story. Since your audience is reading the story, it makes sense that they read the number as well. You need a comma as well. Correction: "If I wanted to last more than three months, I had to wing it and save them for more serious injuries"
7. "I could hear the sound of the NightWatchers screaming as they ran down the hall towards the Infirmary. I had crawled in a fairly sized hole in the wall, using my hand to cover my mouth and calm my breathing. I looked out the crack and saw the NightWatchers." (p.14). Again, I suggest reading this paragraph aloud. You'll notice that you have the same problem here as you did before. Each sentence starts with "I." I never recommend having more than two sentences starting with the same word. Additionally, even though this is in past tense, your character is experiencing this right in the moment, so "had" in "I had crawled..." is unnecessarily used. Additionally, this can be seen as passive voice, which is saying that something was done, rather than simply stating that something happened.
8. "Now I'm being forced to pay the consequences." (p.15). You have a tense slip-up here. Keep in mind that your story is set in past tense, and you need to be consistent with that. Correction: "Now I was forced to pay the consequences."
9. "I reached the stairs and climbed them, I could see hints of daylight peeking through the vines of the windows." (p.35). You have a comma splice here. Correction: "I reached the stairs and climbed them. I could see hints of daylight peeking through the vines of the windows."
CHAPTER 3:
1. "A black substance leaking out of the bottom, and its flesh a raw grayish-red, covered in the black substance." (p.2). This sentence is technically incomplete. It's a continued direct thought of the previous sentence, and cannot stand by itself, as the structure implies that there is more before this. You have this habit a lot which should be corrected. If you want it to stand alone, you should write, "A black substance leaked out of the bottom, and its flesh a raw grayish-red, covered in the black substance." Or, you can simply include it in the sentence preceding it.
2. "It's hands had five fingers and had extremely long claws, if I had to guess I'd say they were 6 to 7 inches long." (p.6). You have a habit of using body parts to describe something. Instead of saying, "It's hands had five fingers," it's better to tighten/shorten the sentence and make the readability clearer by simply stating, "It had five fingers." This sentence itself has a comma splice as well, and I suggest writing out numbers. Correction/Suggestion: "It had five fingers and extremely long claws. If I had to guess, I'd say they were six to seven inches long." Notice the comma I added as well, and the filler word I removed to fit with the context and to avoid repetition.
3. "It had a very human-like body and was white all over. It had a medium build and seemed to be around 10 feet tall, leaning down in order not to hit the ceiling." (p.7). A few paragraphs earlier, you already described it as being white, so it's unnecessary to do so again. Additionally, both of these sentences start with "It had a..." It only happened twice here, but you do this kind of thing often, which makes it quickly tiring and repetitive.
4. "I was making my way upstairs..." (p.17). Here, you're using passive voice. Again, passive voice is when you say that something was done, rather than simply stating that something happened. I suggest avoiding this technique because it unnecessarily lengthens a sentence and has a weaker impact on your audience. Suggestion: "I made my way upstairs..."
5. "I've filled more than half of the notebook with information already, and now I have even more." (p.18). You have a tense slip-up here. Correction: "I've filled more than half of the notebook with information already, and now I had even more."
6. "The dream didn't scare me, but it was still terrifying." (p.31). Terror is subjective. If she found that the dream was terrifying, it means it scared her. You're contradicting yourself in this sentence.
7. "I sighed and let myself rest for a little while, before being interrupted by the sound of my stomach." (p.35). You have an unnecessary comma here. Additionally, you have unnecessary filler words. Why say, "... sound of my stomach," when you can say, "... my stomach growling?" It's shorter and more concise. In this case, less is more. Correction/Suggestion: "I sighed and let myself rest for a little while before being interrupted by my stomach growling."
8. "'Leave.' The voice said." (p.39/40). Here, these two sentences are split by paragraphs, when they shouldn't be. "The voice said" is a dialogue tag, which means it's part of the dialogue sentence. The punctuation in the dialogue itself should reflect that the sentence continues and doesn't end. Correction: "'Leave,' the voice said." This should be in one paragraph, not separated.
9. "How did I know it wasn't to my death." (p.44). This sentence is structured as a sentence, so the punctuation should reflect that. Correction: "How did I know it wasn't to my death?"
10. In paragraph 48, you need punctuation to end the dialogue sentence, "Right."
CHAPTER 4:
1. "The rooms had red markings on the wall, from what seemed to be blood." (p.5). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "The rooms had red markings on the wall from what seemed to be blood."
2. "'You shouldn't be here.' The same female voice told me." (p.6/7). Again, this sentence shouldn't be separated into two paragraphs, and the punctuation/capitalization regarding the dialogue should reflect the fact that this is one whole sentence. Correction: "'You shouldn't be here,' the same female voice told me."
3. "No matter you've survived for this long she's been helping you." (p.18). This sentence is confusing. Did you mean "No wonder" and not "No matter?" Additionally, you need punctuation. Correction: "No wonder you've survived for this long. She's been helping you." Notice that I added a period, not a comma, because if I added a comma, this would turn into a comma splice.
4. "What's this little toy your holding?" (p.27). You have a contraction error here. "Your" is a possessive adjective, and if applied to this context, "your holding" would mean this holding that belongs to you. The correct word is "you're," which is a contraction for "you are." If you read this out loud with the contraction fully broken down, it makes sense. Correction: "What's this little toy you're holding?"
5. "'Relax I'm not going to hurt you,' he paused, 'yet.'" (p.29). You have punctuation errors regarding your dialogue and action tag. "He paused" is an action tag, as it doesn't describe the way he says the dialogue; it is his action that accompanies his words. This should be a separate sentence from the dialogue. Additionally, you're missing a comma. Correction: "'Relax, I'm not going to hurt you.' He paused. 'Yet.'"
6. "'I told you not to worry about what he said.' the female voice told me, 'He wants you to worry...'" (p.49). Your punctuation is incorrect regarding the dialogue. Correction: "'I told you not to worry about what he said,' the female voice told me. 'He wants you to worry..." Additionally, I find it a bit clinical to see you refer to the voice as the "female voice" every time. I suggest expanding upon that description. Is it a bubbly, bouncy, youthful voice? Or one calm and ancient? These descriptions can help your audience understand better.
7. "I laid on the mattress and stared at the ceiling." (p.58). You have a grammar mistake with the word "laid" here. The present tense form of "laid" is "lay," and would you tell a person to "lay down"? No, you'd probably tell them to "lie down," and the past tense form of "lie" is "lay," not "laid." The word "laid" is used when a subject is placing down an object. The present tense form of "laid" is "lay." If the person itself is lying down, and this is written in past tense, the correct way to say this would be, "I lay on the mattress and stared at the ceiling."
CHAPTER 5:
1. "They had grown so quickly in front of me, it was so hard to think that it was an actual plant." (p.2). You've confused your use of plural and singular words. You started off this sentence with "they," then later converted it to "it." Correction: "They had grown so quickly in front of me, it was so hard to think that they were actual plants."
2. "'Yet you decided to do it anyway,' he stayed quiet for some time, then looked ahead 'I wonder why she finds you so special.'" (p.7). You have incorrect punctuations and capitalization regarding your dialogue. The action tag should be a separate sentence from the first piece of dialogue, and you need to end the action tag so that the second piece of dialogue isn't included in the sentence. Correction: "'Yet you decided to do it, anyway.' He stayed quiet for some time, then looked ahead. 'I wonder why she finds you so special.'" (Notice the comma I added).
3. "He resumed his walk expecting me to follow." (p.10). You need a comma here. Correction: "He resumed his walk, expecting me to follow."
4. "He must have seen the look on my face when I had stepped on the tar, I had pushed my hair back, embarrassed to have offended him. I had decided to focus on where we were headed, and what creatures I saw." (p.13). You have a comma splice here. Additionally, I suggest reading this paragraph out loud. You'll notice that there's repetition with the use of the word "had." You need to avoid this because it's the incorrect tense to use in this story (as I've explained earlier), and passive voice has a weaker impact on your audience.
5. "He snarled at the voice, 'What? So you want her to stay in you half?'" (p.19). The action tag should be a separate sentence from the dialogue, but by ending it with a comma, you're indicating that the sentence is continued. You also have a misspelling here. Correction: "He snarled at the voice. 'What? So you want her to stay in your half?'"
6. "I scowled and stared at him displeased." (p.24). You need a comma here. Correction: "I scowled and stared at him, displeased."
7. "'Let me to fix your hair,' he said" (p.25). You need punctuation to properly end the sentence. You also have an unnecessary filler word. Correction: "'Let me fix your hair,' he said."
8. "... he gave a small content hum, 'The I guess Silence will have to do for now. May you come over so I can fix that nest on your head?'" (p.29). The word, "content," should be in its past tense form. You also have a misspelling here, and "may you..." is an incorrect phrase. Correction: "... he gave a small, contented hum. 'Then I guess Silence will have to do for now. Can you come over so I can fix that nest on your head?'"
9. "'You can find a mirror in the pile over there,' he gestured to the pile with a nod." (p.37). The dialogue here is accompanied by an action tag, which should be a separate sentence, as it doesn't describe how he says something--and therefore, isn't part of the sentence itself. The punctuation in the dialogue should reflect that the sentence ends, and the capitalization of the beginning of the action tag should reflect that a new sentence begins. Correction: "'You can find a mirror in the pile over there.' He gestured to the pile with a nod."
10. "I closed my eyes hoping that this was all a dream and fell asleep." (p.46). You need commas here. Correction: "I closed my eyes, hoping that this was all a dream, and fell asleep."
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You have a simple, basic narrating voice when telling this story. This is great because it clears up the readability for your audience. There were still grammar errors in your writing that need to be cleaned up, however, and I also suggest expanding on your descriptions to show, not tell, your audience something.
TOTAL SCORE: 72/100
Make sure to vote and comment!
Written on 04/21/2021