"You'd better duck gorgeous."
"Wait! No, no, stop! Please, please, please Chris! I'm begging you, please!"
I wriggle violently, trying to escape Chris' clutches. Insisting on carrying me all the way back down the street to the bar is one thing but carrying me inside the venue over his shoulder is not going to happen. I thrash as much as I can to escape. Several people gathered around the entrance start laughing
"Ok! Ok! Stop, Sam, stop kicking, I'll put you down!" Chris laughs and carefully places me back down on the ground outside the door. My head is spinning after the rush of blood to my head from being upside down for so long. Being right side up makes me stagger slightly, I'm seeing stars.
"Easy there, you ok tiny?" he says, holding onto me.
"I'm ok, I'm ok, just give me a second," I wait for the world to stop spinning. "Was that really necessary?" I ask with one hand to my forehead.
"I think so," Chris nods to himself, "you're doing this sweetheart, one way or another."
"Why though? Why do you care so much about this?" I ask steadying myself on the door. Chris looks at me for a second and sighs.
"Honestly?"
"Yeah, honestly, why?"
"Does it sound weird if I say I've never known two people so similar?"
"Me and Eddie?" I wrinkle my brow, really? I can't think of much we have in common, except for a seriously pretentious belief in our taste in music and a carnal lust for one another. Maybe we do and I just don't know it. After all, we never got to go on the date date.
"I'm not talking a shared love of ballroom dancing or tai chi or some shit," Chris explains, "I mean it's like you're cut from the same cloth, both of you, you have this awareness and appreciation of like everything, it's like you're detached from the rest of us, off in your own little worlds," he smiles to himself and raises his eyebrows, "kinda eccentric, deep thinkers who are just a bit removed from the rest of us. I dunno, that's kinda how I see it anyway." Chris looks at me with a smirk, "I'm never sure what's going on behind those beautiful big blue eyes, and by that I mean both of you, but it's a lot!" he laughs.
I laugh too. I don't know if he's right but it sounds like a pretty nice compliment to me.
"Thank you," I smile bashfully and give him a squeeze.
"My pleasure," he grins.
Once the blood has rushed back down to my feet I take a deep breath.
"Ready ninja warrior?" Chris asks, taking my hand and threading his fingers with mine. He holds on really tight, "shall we go take those fuckers on?"
I exhale and shiver slightly.
"Ready," I grin.
---------------------------------------------
Back inside the stage is empty. The house lights are back up and the crowd has thinned substantially. I can see the booth, and everyone else still talking and drinking, Beth included I realise with a sigh and my heart sinks. Chris senses my apprehension and gives my hand a squeeze. We walk over together through the dwindling crowd, the floor now littered with trash.
Chris ignores everyone, wraps an arm around me and guides me to a couple of guys I've not seen before. I notice the table becomes slightly quieter as we approach. Beth who was chattering away in Matt's ear, looks up and glares at me as we walk past. I am a fucking warrior bitch, I repeat under my breath and give her my biggest fuck you smile. Kirst blows me a kiss and Kev ruffles my hair as I pass. I try to tidy it as Chris introduces me.
"Layne, Jerry this is Sam," he says, presenting me like I'm someone seriously important. I blush deeply.
"Hey," I say quietly and wave pathetically. They're both conspicuously blond but Layne looks like a real life angel, ethereal and cherub faced. They both smile and introduce themselves and I shake their hands. Layne invites me to sit, so I do.
"You're Eddie's girl?" he smiles. That's a new one to me, I cough a little but marvel at the way it sounds. Eddie's girl. Sadly no I think, I'm not, I'm not sure I ever was.
"Er...no, not really or....not anymore anyway." I say quietly.
"No?" Layne says and lights a cigarette, "Sorry, I must have heard it wrong," he smiles awkwardly, "Eddie talks about you all the time so I just put two and two together."
My eyebrows shoot upwards and I feel a little breathless. All the time?
"We...er...we were, for a little bit but..not now," I look down and tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear.
"Weird," he says and drags on his cigarette, "I could have sworn that's what Chris said, my bad, sorry."
I shrug, "it's ok, it was a long time ago now, I've not seen him in...um...maybe six months."
"You'll see him tonight though?"
I shrug again, suddenly too nervous to think about that.
"What did you think of the show?" Layne asks.
"What I saw was great...I missed most of it though," I say disappointedly. Me and my stupid dramatics.
"That's too bad," he says and passes me a beer.
"Thanks," I respond and drink two thirds of the bottle in one go. All that running has left me dying for a drink. Layne laughs a little.
"Thirsty?"
I wipe my mouth inelegantly on the back of my hand, "ha, yeah sorry, just a bit."
"You coming backstage?" Layne says suddenly and picks his drink and cigarettes up from the table, making to leave.
"What? Now?"
"Yeah, that's the plan, few drinks and then maybe head over to Stone's? Want to?" Layne is holding out his hand to me. I look at it for a couple of seconds, deliberating. Eddie talks about me, all the time Layne said.
"Sure, that sounds good," I smile and let him help me up.
I wait for everyone else to sort themselves out, ready to head backstage. Beth unsurprisingly is the first to head to the side door, I roll my eyes and look at Becky who shrugs.
"Fucking fruitcake that one," she says dryly which makes me laugh far harder than it should. Kirst wraps an arm around me and together we head towards the stage door.
"Uh...could you guys give me two seconds?" I stop and say, realising I've just done a half mile sprint up the street and then been transported back upside down. I should probably check out my appearance before I go anywhere.
Kirst and Becky both look at me with their eyebrows raised.
"I dunno Kirst," Becky says "you think we can trust her to not escape through the bathroom window?"
"Not sure Beck? You think we should go too?" Kirst answers, looking at me like she's a prison warden and I'm an unruly inmate.
I snort through my nose, "Give me a break! I don't need a chaperone for the bathroom ladies."
"Ok, but if you're not back within 5 minutes we're sending Dave in after you!" Kirst teases. I playfully swipe at her backside as they stroll off towards the side door.
"I'm watching you Ninja!" Chris calls over their heads, "it's now or never!" I make a big thing out of laughing, wave his comment away and head to the bathroom.
Inside the stall I lock the door and close the lid to sit down. I need a second to myself. More importantly I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to say. How does a person start a conversation like that? Oh hi Eddie, remember me? We fucked many, many, many times and then I got wasted and kissed your best friend on a fire escape, sound familiar? I let my head fall into my hands. Shit.
Outside I hear the noise gradually reduce to nothing, the bar must be completely empty. I look at my hands and pick my finger nails nervously. What the hell am I doing? I pluck a cigarette from the packet in my shorts pocket, put it between my trembling lips and light it. I inhale hard and feel the steadying rush of nicotine as I exhale a cloud of smoke.
I look around me and realise that this is the stall Becky collapsed in after Nick spiked her drink. Where she lay covered in puke and Eddie had saved her, by jumping over the top of the door. I remember I was jealous of her, jealous of someone who'd been drugged because Eddie, the most beautiful man I'd just laid eyes on had stroked her head. How ridiculous is that? It's as though I was in some kind of trance the whole time. I take another drag.
They'll all be backstage now, laughing and patting each other on the back, congratulating each other on an amazing show because even though I'd missed most of it, it was amazing, because they are always amazing. So amazing they'll be off to bigger and bigger things, the world is literally their oyster. Eddie would be surrounded by people, people who all want to be part of what he has, want to be associated with him, hoping that some of his magic will rub off on them. I don't mean Chris or Layne or any of those other guys but the hangers on. There's always the hangers on, Beth's already one even though she had Eddie and lost him before he was a success. I can't imagine that, treating someone like shit then hanging around like a bad smell once they do something with their life. I flick my ash on the floor and grind it in with the toe of my boot.
I look up at the stall walls and roll my eyes at my own pitifulness. I'm 21 years old and I'm hiding in the bathroom, too afraid to go outside in case I see a guy I like. Chris told me I'd need to be a warrior but I just don't know if I can be, I can't even face him for fucks sake. Plus all the rumors I've believed and the stupid misunderstandings. He's just too fucking beautiful for this to be easy, it will always be hard, it will never go away. The constant doubt and suspicion, worrying about where he is and who he's with. I couldn't keep my hands off him, could I really blame anyone else for trying their luck? And no matter how kind and how pure and thoughtful he may be, there will always be that one night, that one time when he's far away from home, lonely and no one is around and no one will ever know if he goes upstairs with that gorgeous blonde from the bar or that stunning girl who hung around the backstage door.
I grind out my cigarette on the bathroom floor. Maybe this was never meant to be, maybe I should take the hint. Make a clean break. I unlatch the door and head out.
At the sink I wash my hands and check my face. Thank god I didn't head backstage. I look like a panda with these black mascara rings around my eyes. I wipe away the smudges with my finger and fix my hair. The messy bun I had is irretrievable so I undo it and let it fall over my shoulders. Messy as always but that's me. I pull the bottom of my crop top down, wishing I'd worn something a bit more conservative, at least I'd not gone with the skirt. Thinking back to Chris' lift I thank my lucky stars I had worn shorts. I run my hands through my hair one more time and as I bend my head to rinse my hands again the door swings open behind me.
"I promise I'm not escaping through the window!" I say over my shoulder, shaking water droplets off my hands irritatedly. With Kirst and Beck checking up on me there's no chance of escape.
"You sure about that because I'm starting to think you're avoiding me," he says.