"You have got to be fucking kidding me Samantha!!"
I'm halfway down the street, striding along quickly with my head down walking as fast as I can away from Eddie and Beth and my friends and all of that shit. All of the shit and drama that I just cannot take anymore of when out of nowhere I hear a voice. Shouting. Really fucking loud.
"Hey! Little Miss fucking drama! Where the fuck d'you think you're going?"
I don't stop, I turn my head slightly to see who's behind me, even though I already know who it is. There's only guy who can make himself heard from that distance. Perks of being a rock god.
"Home!" I yell, still walking away, "I'm going home Chris!"
"What the fuck!" I hear him yell. He sounds utterly pissed off.
"I'll call Kirst in the morning. I'm sorry!" I shout as loud as I can walking backward. I need to get out of here, away from all of this, now. I turn and start to pick up the pace. The next thing I hear is the sound of very large, very heavy footsteps approaching from behind. It sounds like a demented giraffe is chasing me. He isn't actually running after me is he? I turn to look and see Chris Cornell running full speed towards me down the street, past people who dodge out of the way quickly to avoid being steam rolled. A few of them have a flash of recognition as he passes which quickly changes to what the fuck?
In a particularly surreal decision, for a reason I can't quite explain I decide to run too, rather than doing the sensible thing of stopping. I can't outrun this guy, I'm a foot shorter than him. As weird as it sounds, I start running away from Chris Cornell. It can't be something that happens often. The spectacle of a very small woman, being chased by a lolloping giant with bouncy spaniel curls, a very famous lolloping giant at that, through the streets of Seattle isn't something you see everyday.
"I'm not stopping Chris!" I yell over my shoulder, pumping my arms trying to get away. This is turning into a farce.
"Would you just fucking stop!" he yells, sounding much closer.
"No! I'm going home, go away!" I shout, my lungs are already burning from the effort. I am the least fit person on earth mainly because I haven't run since gym class.
"Stop running for fucks sake, you look ridiculous!" Chris's footsteps are getting louder. I can see a side road up ahead and decide to make a break for it.
"You can't make me!" I really wish I hadn't worn docs for this.
"Just stop and talk to me Sam, this is embarrassing!" Chris doesn't sound in the slightest bit out of breath, unlike me. The endurance needed for live shows I suppose.
"So stop chasing me! You're the one chasing me Chris!" I yell half tripping over my own feet.
"Not until you talk to me, would you just fucking stop?"
"No! I don't want to!" I snap like a petulant toddler. I turn into a side road. My run has turned into more of an apathetic jog by now. I'm so fucking tired but I'm pretty sure I've lost him with my clever dodging tactic. Hah! Eat my dust Cornell!
"Sam?" Chris places his hand on my shoulder, "Stop".
"Fuck!"
Why I thought I could outrun a man with legs twice as long as mine is a mystery. I fold double, place my hands on my knees and wheeze heavily, trying to get my breath back.
"You just made me chase you down a main street, I can't believe I've just done that." I look at Chris upside down through my legs. He looks at me like a stern father.
"I didn't...make...you." I pant. My head is pounding. How can someone be this unfit at 21? It's practically an achievement in itself.
"You fucking bolted from the bar without saying a word, left me and everyone hanging. I was worried Sam, really fucking worried!" Chris actually sounds angry. I feel a little pang of guilt hearing the concern in his voice. It was pretty selfish of me to just disappear like that, especially in that bar, after the Nick thing.
I take large breaths in and out trying to recover from my spontaneous workout and stand up straight and look at him.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that, it was thoughtless," I wheeze.
"Too fucking right you shouldn't, what the fuck is going on with you Sam? I thought we were cool?"
Chris puts his hand on his forehead like he's had about as much as he can handle for one night.
"Why is she here Chris? Again, why is she here?" I manage to say.
"Why is who here? Beth? Are you talking about Beth?" Chris looks confused.
"Yes! Obviously I'm talking about Beth, why did you invite her? Again?" Chris is really pissing me off with these games, it's time to have it out, face to face.
"What?" Chris looks bemused.
"Don't give me that shit Chris!" I yell, "she's here, again, like last time, why do you keep doing this?"
"I have no fucking clue what you're talking about Sam, what the hell are you talking about?!" Chris shouts in my face, which makes me jump.
"She was at the band practice with you, remember?" I jab a finger at him accusingly, my vicious streak is in full flow, it's only a matter of time before I resort to spiteful nastiness.
"What fucking band practice?" Chris has his palms up in front of him.
"The band practice when I left, the one where you and her magically appeared halfway through," I know my tone is condescending but I don't care, "the one where Eddie and her disappeared together, you know the one Chris, the one where you all fucked me over? Ring any bells?" I hiss.
"What the actual hell are you talking about?"
I sigh frustratedly, "Oh just fuck off Chris, I'm going home, go back to your fucking weird games with Beth, I'm done" I brush myself down and start walking back up the alley towards the street.
"But she didn't come with me to band practice, what the fuck?"
I stop and turn to look at Chris in the dark of the alleyway.
"Yes, she did, I saw you!" I yell.
"Actually, no she didn't, I came on my own, she was outside when I arrived and just happened to walk in at the same time, is that ok with you princess?" Chris snarls, clearly sick of my shit.
"But...I saw you."
"Whatever," Chris adds, "look if you are always going to be this sensitive and paranoid," Chris spits the word at me, "maybe this whole thing is a mistake."
"She really didn't come with you?" I ask quietly.
"No! She didn't and before you ask she didn't come with me tonight, why the fuck I would ask her? It makes no sense Sam!"
"But..but you asked for extra drinks..." I stammer
"For Layne and Jerry!" he yells in exasperation, "You know? The Layne and Jerry? They were at the table with me?" He talks to me like I'm idiot. Probably because I am. "I wanted you to meet them Sam, because I hoped you'd be around us a lot more from now on..."
Shit. What have I done, yet again. One thing still doesn't make sense.
"But...who invited her then, Beth I mean?"
"No fucking clue, but I can probably make an educated guess," Chris stretches and pushes his curly hair out of his face. " I know of a particular drummer who's been making the moves on her for a while now, it wouldn't surprise me in the least."
"Dave?!" I splutter.
Chris fixes me with a look like, no shit sherlock, "but you can't tell anyone ok?"
I nod, I'm getting used to secrets. "He and Beth had a thing, it's kind of what was the beginning of the end with her and Eddie. Ed had had enough of her bullshit anyway, and well that was the final nail in the coffin as it were. Ed was glad to be rid of her but the whole betrayal band thing really fucked him up."
I raise my eyebrows. Everything slots into place. Jesus, and then I went and did a similar thing with another band member. No wonder he was so fucking mad.
"Oh god," I put my head in my hands, "and then I did the same!" I start to cry uncontrollably. I feel sick for what I've done to him. This perfect, beautiful soul doesn't deserve this.
"Oh, hell no!" Chris comes and wraps an arm around me, "don't for a second think that what you did was anything like those two, not the same in any way trust me, no way." Chris uses the corner of his flannel shirt to wipe my face. I take a few shuddering breaths.
We shuffle down to the ground to sit together, our backs leaning against a brick wall. It's a beautiful night, so incredibly warm. The kind of early summer night that under normal circumstances would feel full of promise and hope, the kind where anticipation swirls in your belly with the promise of a long hot summer full of possibility. After a few minutes sitting in silence with Chris I feel calmer.
"It's gorgeous out here," Chris says eventually. I smile a shaky smile at him.
"Yeah, it really is."
Chris smiles back and I feel such a glow in my chest. God I love this guy so much. No one has ever treated me with such kindness and patience before. Chris is truly a gift.
"I'm so happy about you and Kirst," I sniff.
"Yeah?" he says, looking pleased.
"Yeah," I smile shyly, "because it means you'll be a part of my life too"
Chris grins.
"Thanks kiddo, that means a lot," Chris nudges me.
I sigh and look up at the stars.
"Maybe you could return the favor?" He adds.
I look at Chris questioningly.
"I know you are me are buddies and we have that tie through Kirst but we could have another tie....?"
I blush and look down, I know what he's saying. Eddie.
"What d'you say gorgeous? Want to at least give it a try?" Chris nudges me again and I look up to see him looking at me expectantly. "what have you got to lose?" he grins
"Oh, I don't know...my heart...again," I laugh quietly.
"I didn't take you for a coward Samantha," he teases.
"I'm not....I just....god he just terrifies me Chris!" I say pushing my hair back.
"He has that effect on a lot of people, which is surprising for such a little guy!" Chris laughs gently. I poke him in the ribs.
"Hey! He's not so little to me!" I giggle.
"True," Chris agrees, "seriously though, you can't keep doing this gorgeous, letting these misunderstandings mess with your life." I listen quietly to what Chris is saying. "The way you feel, is the way a million girls will think they feel about him, you know that right? You need to be a fucking warrior to deal with the shit that will come your way".
Yes, I know what he's saying. I fell in love the first time I saw Eddie, or at least with a version of him. How many others will do the same?
"Is Kirst a warrior?" I say
"Are you kidding me? That girl is a fucking ninja fucking warrior!" Chris laughs. I smile back at him but I'm not sure I've got what it takes to fight for Eddie.
"There are so many uncertainties Chris, I just....I just don't think it's the right time..." I shake my head.
"The way I see it, you have two uncertainties," Chris explains, "the first is you don't know how he'll react, he might tell you to fuck off, right?"
I nod sadly, "Right."
"Is there anything you can do to change that?" he asks me directly.
"No."
"No. Exactly, so there's no point worrying about it, just let the chips fall baby. If it doesn't work out at least you tried, yeah?"
"I guess," I agree wearily, "and the second?"
"The second is life," Chris' tone softens, "you're always going to have to deal with this sort of shit, more so than most people if you're with our boy, it never goes away." Chris looks away wistfully.
"So what's the point in doing anything?," this conversation is depressing me no end.
"The point is only you can decide how you react to this shit sweetheart. If you feel the same way about him as I think he does about you you've got a good shot."
"He feels a way about me?" my tummy turns over.
Chris rolls his eyes and sort of lifts his palms to the heavens in desperation.
"Why the fuck are we here, why the fuck have I just run like some idiot down the street after a tiny woman in giant docs, why would we go to all this effort if he didn't?"
I laugh softly, he has a point I suppose.
"So, are we going to do this?" Chris looks at me expectantly.
My heart pounds and my head feels light. Can I do this? Can I put my heart out there one more time?
"I...I dunno...I" I start to say but before I can finish Chris is up and pulling me up to stand. "Hey...wait...!" before I can stop him he bends over, throws me over his shoulder and picks me up. "Chris! What the fuck!?"
"Nope, sorry Sam, I can't take this bullshit anymore. I need to know, even if you don't. This fucking will they, won't they crap is doing my head in!"
Chris starts striding off down the street and I'm slung, upside over his shoulder as he's gripping me really tightly. I bounce along upside down.
"Chris! This is ridiculous! Put me down!" I wriggle, "it's really fucking high!"
But Chris ignores me and strides down the street back towards the club.