I check my face one last time in the mirror and breathe out slowly trying to calm my nerves. Kirst should be here any minute. She's actually promised to leave Chris behind for once and come and be my knight in shining armor instead, just for one night. Because it is after all a really, really fucking big night.
I fiddle with a few strands of my hair, pulling them down to soften my face a little. My birds nest of a hair style is piled up messily, keeping it off my neck and upper back, it's too hot to have it down. My outfit (picked out by Kirst of course) is completely out of character for me but I have decided to be brave and take her advice, god knows the girl knows how to make an entrance and her last make-over on me worked better than I could have ever imagined. In the last few months I've got skinnier than usual, I call it the heartbreak diet and it works an absolute fucking treat. If I could market it I'd be a millionaire, scratch that, a billionaire. So, for the first time and probably last time ever in my life I'm wearing a crop top, which is some kind of miracle. It's black and sleeveless and ends just above my belly button, meaning there's like an inch and half of flesh on display between it and my jean shorts. I drew the line at a skirt, I'm not completely crazy. Vintage black jean shorts and my absolute favourite docs on my feet. Kirst says I look 'edgy'. Not sure what she means but I'm comfy and not too hot which is the main thing now that the weather has changed and we're all sweating constantly. I pull a cigarette from a pack on the dressing table and light it, taking a long drag in. I can absolutely do this.
"Sam! Sammy! Samantha?!" Kev is yelling from the bottom of the stairs. Kirst must be here already.
I check my make-up one last time, quick spritz of perfume and I'm done. Breathe, just breathe.
"Wowzers gorgeous! You look hot!" Kirst is standing in the middle of the lounge with a large beer in a frosted mug (bless Kev and his domesticity). She looks amazing, tiny grey and black spandex dress that just covers her modesty. It's impossible to have any secrets wearing that thing!
"Yeah? Because I don't feel hot, which is a good thing because it's fucking boiling outside," I say completely missing the point.
"Darling I meant you look divine," Kirst laughs.
"Uncomfortable to look at you," Kev confirms, "I feel genuinely awkward looking at you."
"Aww thanks Kev, really?"
"Yep, really," he grins, "whoever he is Sam he is one fucking lucky guy."
I blush hard at his words and don't really know what to say. Kirst comes and slips her arms around me, pulling me in for a hug, she smells like patchouli and weed, as always.
"He is, one fucking lucky guy," she whispers in my ear. The tiniest threat of tears comes but I swallow quickly.
"Here, let's have a toast before we go guys," Beck comes out of the kitchen with a tray of shots and hands them out to all of us.
"To an amazing night..." she smiles at all of us "and to awesome friends."
Everyone downs their drinks and winces. Beck disappears and returns straight away with yet another tray of shots.
"And one for the road because I suspect at least one of us here is literally shitting bricks and needs it!"
Everyone looks at me and smirks a little. I roll my eyes.
"It's not that big of a deal, it's just a gig," I stammer but I can't help but grin a little. I'm wavering between intense dread and intense excitement. Either way tonight is going to be important, I can feel it. I just can't get my hopes up too much.
"Just drink your shot Sam," Kev says and passes me another with a wink.
Several more drinks and cigarettes later we finally pile into a cab and head downtown. Even before we get to the venue I can see hundreds of people hanging around outside, way more than usual.
"Oh my god, so many people!" I gush, looking through the car window.
"Yep, that's what happens when word gets out, these secret gigs never stay secret for long," Kirst leans round from the front seat and tells me. She's now our authority on everything band related, what with her being the girlfriend of the lead singer of Soundgarden. Something that still freaks me out whenever one of their videos comes on TV.
We pull up to the front of the venue and I go to join the incredibly long line that wraps around the front of the building.
"Er...what are you doing?" Kirst grabs my shoulder and spins me round. Kev and Becky are laughing behind her.
"Getting in line?"
"Seriously?" Kirst shakes her head at me, "come on dipshit," she says and links her arm through mine. We walk to the front of the line where a terrifying large gentleman smiles really fucking broadly at Kirst, like she's the second coming or something and welcomes us all inside.
Inside it's the same bar as always, nothing looks different with one major exception. It is packed from wall to wall, I've never seen so many people fit into such a small venue. And it's loud, so many people in one space all talking excitedly at the same time.
"What the fuck happened to our bar?" I shout to everyone, squeezed in around me.
"Pearl Jam happened," Kev shrugs, "beer?" he yells and indicates the bar. I nod along with everyone else.
"Where are we supposed to sit?" I yell at Kirst, who just smiles.
"Not a problem sweetheart, follow me."
Becky and me follow Kirst through the bar, which isn't easy, the crowd is packed shoulder to shoulder. It's almost impossible to avoid getting trampled on or burnt on a cigarette end. I follow blindly, I can't see a thing so I just have to hope she knows where she's going. Finally after what feels like hours we break through into a slightly more open area, a booth with Chris and the rest of Soundgarden sitting in it, right next to the stage. I'm so glad to get out of the crush.
"Baby!" Chris shouts at Kirst and makes his way around the table to wrap her in his ridiculously long arms, "I missed you!" I hear him say and smirk. They've been apart for all of two hours. I stand and wave awkwardly at the rest of the band while I wait for Chris and Kirst to untangle themselves.
"Hey," I shout like an idiot. I've met them before and they're all so nice, but I don't really feel like one of the gang, as it were.
"Sam, come sit," Chris has finished squeezing the life out of Kirst and grabs my hand. I follow him and take a seat in the booth next to his friend Matt. Chris and Kirst follow behind me and sit down. I take out a cigarette and light it quickly, with shaking hands.
"Don't be nervous gorgeous," Chris leans and says in my ear. I turn and look into his kind eyes.
"Is it that obvious?" I cringe. Chris kisses me on the cheek and takes my hand.
"Trust me" he says softly, "it will be fine."
Something about Chris's words calms me slightly. Kev arrives with beers and I take a long drink and try my hardest to enjoy myself. Everyone is talking and yelling and laughing, having a good time but I can't bring myself to speak. My eyes are fixed on the empty stage where the instruments are lined up and ready. My stomach whirls like it's on a full spin cycle, I close my eyes exhale. I down the rest of my beer.
Any minute now he's going to walk out onto that stage and stand within touching distance of me. He's going to sing in his inimitable way, from the depths of his soul, with power and emotion and I'm going to get caught in his tidal wave again. I'm going to see his face for the first time in almost six months. That perfect face, that expresses everything he's feeling and turns my legs to jello. Sparks shoot up my spine. My throat feels like it's closing, I look down at the table top and try to concentrate on my breathing, slow and steady. My palms are sweaty, the enormous build up of excitement and terror is closing in on me, I feel hot and trapped at this table, with people all around me. I need to speak up.
"Are we...are we going to move...when they come on?" I shout to no one in particular.
Chris looks at me and a worried look comes over his face.
"I'll join you in the mosh pit if you like, no probs," he jokes trying to sooth my nerves. I give him an uncertain smile.
"You ok kiddo?" he says in my ear and wraps an arm around me comfortingly.
I nod and try to smile at him. This is nerve wracking.
"He missed you, you have no idea how much Sam," Chris says quietly. I swallow hard and nod.
"And...he's ok with me being here?" It's the only thing I want to know. I didn't arrange this, it was Kirst's idea.
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Kirst told me on the phone about a week ago, so excited she could hardly speak.
"They're back!"
"Who is?" I asked stupidly, with half a bagel in my mouth.
"Mike and Jeff and Stone and..." Kirst listed slowly. She didn't get to finish her list because I started coughing, choking on my bagel. "You ok Sam?"
"Uh, yeah, fine just something went down the wrong way," I lied, my heart suddenly accelerating to a million miles an hour.
"Chris just told me! They're playing a small gig on Saturday. We have to go, we have to! This is it Sam, it's time you faced the music. No pun intended!" Kirst laughed loudly at her own joke.
"I...I don't know Kirst, I may be busy on.."
"Are you fucking kidding me? What is more important not to mention more exciting than this? I literally wet myself when Chris told me, literally!"
I screw up my nose at the thought. I'd been simultaneously praying for and dreading this moment for almost six months. In truth I didn't think it would actually happen. They'd been doing so well it was entirely possible I'd never see them again, them having been catapulted into the upper echelons of celebrity. But no such luck it seems.
"You're going, ok? Sam we're going! We'll all go together like a big, lovely reunion, I'm so excited!" Kirst is virtually screaming down the phone.
"Will you come with me?" I ask, "I can't walk in alone Kirst," I say terrified.
"Sam, we'll all be with you. Chris too! Now I'm coming over, we have to pick out your outfit and hair and everything! Eeek!"
Kirst slammed the phone down. I sat holding a half-eaten bagel, in my pyjamas on the stairs, staring into space, too stunned to move.
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"And...he's ok with me being here?" It's the only thing I want to know. I look searchingly into Chris's eyes, "please Chris, tell me, does he even know I'm here?"
Have they pulled the same move as with Kirst, lured me here on false pretences. Is he going to come out and see me and freak out? Oh my god what if he refuses to speak to me or even see me? What if I fuck up their set just by existing? Shit, I need to leave. I need to leave now.
Chris looks at me, fixing me with a stare. He leans in and speaks into my ear.
"Eddie's the one who put your name on the list."