"So you and Chris, wow!" I smile at Kirst and take a bite of my sandwich. It's actually warm today, like properly warm for the first time this year, there's a delicious breeze flowing through the park. Our weekend tradition, finally back after four months. Kirst called me on Thursday morning to arrange a time for Saturday and for the first time ever she arrived first. Last time we were here it was significantly colder and I remember how distracted I was. It was the day after the whole Becky incident, the Stone incident and the very intense staring at Eddie in the mirror as he undressed incident. He'd really shaken me up, I remember I'd not been able to think of anything else as Kirst and I had sat and talked on this very bench. He'd invaded my dreams after one meeting, leaving me so worked up I couldn't bear it.
"I know," Kirst grins like the cat that got the cream, because well, she has in fact got the cream. Chris is beautiful and funny and charming and well, ridiculously talented but most importantly he seems to be making my friend very happy indeed.
"I love being with him, does that sound corny?" Kirst says wrinkling her nose.
I shake my head, emphatically. "No, of course it doesn't, it sounds right, like it should be."
Kirst is beaming, "I can just be myself, with him, you know. There's no game playing or rules to figure out." I know she's referring to Stone, all those picnics and cultural excursions and waiting. It all sounded great at the time but in retrospect it was all a bit forced and well, weird!
"It's like, we went out last night right, just to a bar and then afterwards, we decided to walk home instead of catching a cab because we wanted to talk, and you know it was so warm and the streets were quiet," she smiles at me shyly and continues, "and we grabbed a slice of pizza from a place on the corner because we were so hungry and just ate it as we walked, nothing fancy just the bare minimum,"
I nod encouraging her to continue.
"And we just walked for miles, further than we needed to, just holding hands and laughing. When we got back to his place we just stayed up for hours just talking and well, you know..." Kirst blushes for maybe the first time ever in her life.
"And...?" I ask.
"And nothing Sam, that's the point. There was no planning or effort or pressure but it was perfect, we were just together. Just doing regular things with Chris is more than enough on it's own, everyday life with him is enough. He's so funny! I laughed so much my stomach hurt you know? I had actual pain in my abs!" Kirst takes a bite of her sandwich and sighs. She actually sighs!
I look at the blissful look in her eyes and I can see she is completely smitten. Her look reminds me of someone, someone else who looked at me like that, once upon a time. I push the thought away quickly.
"I know," I say quietly, "that sounds perfect, truly it does."
"And it didn't start off with a whole big thing, we just started talking, you know, that night at mine," Kirst looks at me awkwardly, she's referring to the fateful night. We're finally at a stage where we don't even want to remember it.
"and I could tell immediately he wasn't trying anything on with me, he wasn't interested in that, he was just concerned, genuinely concerned for me. He cleared up my whole apartment, everything even the kitchen where Stone puked! Then he sort of gathered me up, wrapped me up in his coat and took me out the door, away from Stone lying face down on the floor."
I raise my eyebrows. So poor old Scrunch had woken up alone on Kirst's floor the next day. I feel a rush of sympathy, the poor guy hadn't done anything wrong. Sensing my feelings Kirst continues.
"Mike and Jeff stayed with Stone, he was fine, poor guy. He didn't deserve that," she says.
I look at her with surprise. Is she really defending Stone?
"Don't look at me like that Sam," she laughs, "I'm not a completely heartless bitch. I know it wasn't Stones fault, I know about Dave's 'hilarious' pranks," she makes air quotes with her fingers.
"Daves a dick," I mutter, thinking back to his comment about Eddie and Beth.
"You think?" she laughs out loud.
"So where did you go, with Chris I mean?"
"He took me to his place, nothing happened. Nothing happened for weeks," Kirst crumples her empty wrapper, "he was the perfect gentleman, in fact I don't think he even thought about me like that at first."
I stifle a smile. I'm sure Chris is a complete gentleman but I find it hard to believe it didn't cross his mind, Kirst is disgustingly gorgeous.
"Anyway, after you and me didn't speak and the whole band thing..." Kirst looks uncomfortable bringing up old wounds, "Chris hung around, he called and we found we get along really well. He's kind and he makes me laugh and well, one thing led to another and now here we are." Kirst grins and smooths down her dress.
"That's wonderful, really Kirst, I couldn't be happier that you've found someone that makes you happy."
"He does, he really does."
I give Kirst a little hug and we grin at each other stupidly.
"And of course the sex is fucking awesome!" she bursts out laughing.
"Kirsty!" I laugh, "I knew the romance talk was too good to be true." We giggle together like teenagers. "Seriously, though, he's really fucking tall. How does that work?" I wonder out loud, Kirst is 5ft 2 at most. Neither of us are blessed in the height department.
"Acrobatics mainly, I'm very flexible, and he's well...he has excellent upper body strength."
"And...that's waaaay more information than I needed but ok," I snigger. "You're ok about Stone then? Honestly?" I have to ask, I need to be sure.
"Oh god yes, Stoney is awesome and stunning but it wasn't gonna work out. He feels exactly the same. In fact, we get along great now we're not together."
I look at Kirst in surprise. For some reason I didn't think she would have seen Stone all this time.
"You've seen Stone?" I ask surprised.
"Yeah, a few times, we're not like close or anything but the whole Soundgarden, AIC, PJ thing we run into him now and again. We run into all of them..." Kirst looks at me meaningfully.
"A...all of them?" I swallow.
Kirst pauses and looks at me kindly.
"He's ok Sam."
"He..he is? Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
Kirst wraps her arms around me as my eyes fill up, blurring my vision. I'm so relieved to hear that he's ok, relieved to hear anything at all, that I can't help feeling a little overwhelmed. Four months is a long time to not know how much you've hurt someone, to live with the guilt and not have a clue how they're doing. I let the tears flow for a minute and then sit back up to wipe my face.
"That's good," I smile shakily, "I needed to hear that, thank you."
"You could probably talk to him now you know?" Kirst offers gently. I nod but the thought is too terrifying to consider. I examine a fingernail and begin to chew it absentmindedly.
"Maybe better if I don't, for now at least," I stammer. I'm not sure I could cope with it, seeing Eddie and not being able to wrap myself around him ever again. That would be too painful. I try to change the subject.
"So how come you spoke to Stone and not me Kirst?" It's something that's been bugging me since she said it.
Kirst exhales hard.
"I don't know... I should have I know but I just couldn't. It felt too weird, like I realised that Stone wasn't right for me almost straight away, it became sort of laughable. But you, you are my best friend. It hurt so much more from you," Kirst is telling me without any malice in her voice, she's being honest and I appreciate it.
"I know, I get it completely," I nod.
"Yeah well, I realised the tales of your romantic escapade with Scrunch were greatly exaggerated," she grins, "and most importantly that Dave likes to cause trouble."
"It really was the most uneventful kiss, not even a drunken office Christmas party level kiss," I laugh, "not even ten seconds worth."
"I know," Kirst says slowly, "we've all done it..."
"I think everyone has at least one right?" I'm still giggling.
There's a pause and Kirst suddenly looks serious.
"I kissed Eddie," she says out of the blue.
"What?" Is she fucking kidding me?
"I'm sorry Sam, but I did, I mean, we did"
"We did? What do you mean we? Who did?" I splutter.
"Eddie and...and me, we kissed."
I gape at Kirst with my mouth open. There are literally no words.
"It was right after, right after the thing with you and Stone and well we were both really fucking pissed...like really pissed at you both and Eddie was wasted constantly, I mean we're talking weeks without sobering up.."
I blink at her words and my stomach flips involuntarily, Eddie was that much of a mess because of me?
"...and well we got wasted together at his place.."
At his place? I'd never even been to Eddie's place.
"...there were loads of us there, it wasn't just the two of us honestly and we were drinking and smoking and Eddie was going off on one of his many rants," Kirst rolls her eyes like Eddie's rants are clearly something they've gotten used to, "and he starts ranting about what happened and we're like arguing and I mean everyone is arguing over what counts, as like being unfaithful and what sort of kiss is acceptable and what isn't and well..." Kirst is explaining so fast, her words are running away with her as she tries to get them out before I react. I breathe deeply, in and out and glare at her.
"...and Eddie gets this kind of look on his face, like he can look really scary when he wants you know?"
Yes, I know the look, just keep fucking talking Kirst because I'm about one second from leaving.
"...and well Mike's like 'there's a big difference between a kiss and a smooch' and everyones laughing because that's what Stone called it and who the fuck actually says smooch right?" Kirst carries on, " and well Mike is just being Mike as usual trying to be the voice of reason, being pragmatic and awesome as always and Jeff is like sat there laughing his head off because he's wasted and Stone..."
"Wait? What? Stone was there?" I'm stunned.
"Well, yeah it was just after he started coming back round to like make amends and get things back on track with the whole band thing and well things were okay-ish but there was definitely a 'thing' between them both and you could feel it, we could all feel it, like there was unfinished business but we figured in time it would probably go.."
I'm beginning to wish Kirst would just stick to the story here.
"...and well it was really, really loud and Chris had taken me there just to like get me out of the house and make sure I was ok and I drank too much and smoked too much and I was sitting next to Eddie on the sofa and well..."
"And well what Kirsty...?"
"and Stone made some comment, some stupid comment about how it was nothing and Eddie was making such a big thing out of it and how he didn't deserve to get punched in the face for a kiss and Eddie said 'it depends on who you're fucking kissing Stone' like in this really aggressive way and everyone went quiet, and Stone goes it was less than ten seconds and so Eddie turns to me and..."
"And....what? Eddie what?"
"and he pulls me in and kisses me...for ten seconds."
I look at Kirst for a minute, a million questions crowding my head.
"Did he force you?" is the first one I need to know.
"What?! Oh god no! No Sam, nothing like that. It's Eddie. Eddie wouldn't do that, come on!"
A big sigh of relief comes out of me. I didn't think he would but it was important to ask.
"I wanted to..." Kirst says quietly.
"What?"
"Oh come on Sam! I'm not gonna lie, it's Eddie, who wouldn't want to? The guy is 5ft 7 of heaven!"
"Yeah but..." I stammer, my world crumbling around me.
"He didn't want to though, not really," Kirst adds quickly, "he was just really fucking angry at Stone, he felt like he could get him back, make things equal again," she pauses, "show him how it feels when someone takes your world away from you..."
"And what happened...after?" I stutter.
"Everyone shut the fuck up about it. Stone looked really terrible and stormed out, Chris got angry I kinda figured out why a couple of weeks later when we got together."
"And Eddie?"
Kirst looks down and plays with her watch.
"Eddie apologised."
"To who?"
"To me...he said he shouldn't have done it and that he was really really sorry for embarrassing me like that, in front of everyone and that he'd never do anything like it again," Kirst smiles sadly, "and then he asked us all to leave and that was it."
I look at Kirst for a moment. She looks so small and ashamed.
"And you...were you ok? Aren't you angry with him for doing that?" I need to know that she's ok.
"No, I'm not angry, I get it. I understand why he did it, I felt the same way too, I wanted to hurt Stone as well..."
"But..." I sense there's something else, something she's not telling me. We've come this far I need to hear it all. "Is this why you didn't want to see me?"
Kirst looks at me and smiles sadly.
"Of course it is. Everyone saw me kiss him, the guy my best friend adored. I felt like shit. It didn't feel good getting revenge, it felt terrible. Especially when the guy you're kissing knows its an enormous mistake and you're both using each other just to get back at other people."
Kirst looks out across the park.
"I've well and truly fucked things up now haven't I?" she says finally.
I look at my hands and ponder what she's just told me. Am I actually upset that she and Eddie kissed? Weirdly no, I'm not for lots of reasons. Mainly because this 'kiss' happened in a room full of people out of spite. I'm unhappy about Eddie doing that to Kirst, but she sounds pretty adamant that it was mutual.
"It was really quick?" I ask.
"Really quick, like so fast..." Kirst answers quickly.
"I dunno, ten seconds is actually a really long time if you think about it," I mutter, "I mean try it, one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi..."
"Ok, ok so maybe not that fast, but it wasn't enjoyable."
I raise my eye brow at Kirst.
"Not enjoyable? Really?"
"Nope, no, not at all. At all," Kirst replies, looking at me out of the corner of her eye. I'm trying not to smile.
"Really? And you're sure about that?"
"Uh-huh, yes, yep, in fact it was awful," Kirst is grinning now.
"I can imagine your distress, having to partake in such a kiss with Eddie Vedder would be deeply unpleasant."
"Deeply unpleasant."
"Especially a smooch, I think ten whole seconds constitutes a smooch right?"
"Mmm, I'd have to check with Stone but I guess so."
I start to giggle.
"Having to kiss that mouth," I wrinkle up my nose, "yuck!"
"I know right! Urgh! That face and those eyes, just horrible, but it's a sacrifice I was willing to make."
Kirst and I look at each other and smile affectionately.
"We're ok then?" I ask.
"We're ok."
We collect our things and walk back to the road slowly giggling.
"Fuck though Sam, god he really is unbelievably delicious though, how you ever dragged yourself out of bed I have no idea..."
"Yeah, too far, enough now Kirst, thanks."