BLURB:
Emma White and Chloe Mitchell are known for their pure and firm friendship. When they decide to spend their summer in a beautiful town called Oceanshell Town, everything turns upside down.
Mangled fingers and dead bodies of the inhabitants start turning up all over the town and the scared people claim that a dead man's spirit has awoken and is behind all this.
Matters worsen when Chloe goes missing, and Emma is left with nothing but depression. Questions fill up her already unstable mind.
𝘞𝘩𝘰 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘮𝘢𝘯?
𝘐𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘢 𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘵?
𝘈𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘶𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴?
𝘐𝘴 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘦?
Emma enlists the help of a popular artist called Harriet Jones, who does not believe the rumours. Can they find out the answers to all the questions before everything's lost?
***
YOUR COVER: (4/10) I would have appreciated more color in the cover. I understand that the color scheme used portrays your story and genre, but it won't stand out amongst other covers of different mystery/thriller stories. Additionally, while the image used could represent your story genre, it doesn't represent your story or your title. The title itself and the font used are not creatively taking up the space, and the font seems more like something on the cover of a diary than a mystery thriller. I suggest going to a cover designer on Wattpad, and there are many amazing cover shops featured in my reading list.
YOUR TITLE: (5/10) Again, this seems to portray the genre of your story, but I feel that it would attract more readers attracted to horror and gore than mystery thrillers. It doesn't have a neat ring to it that makes it a memorable title. It also doesn't seem to represent your story; it only represents one part of it, which is that mangled fingers were showing up. There should be an overarching reason that represents your entire story. This could be a character's name, it could include the story setting, or a symbolic object used repeatedly and symbolically throughout the story.
YOUR BLURB: (3/5) For the most part, your blurb was grammatically clean and free of errors. I appreciated this, but I also noticed that you had unnecessary information and filler words within your sentences. You could shorten and tighten your sentences to only include the triggering action, conflict, and obstacles within the story. For example, the whole part about Emma having questions should not be included within the blurb. You can portray her thoughts and self-reflection in the actual story, but these do not contribute to the overall plot. You have some repetition with the word "town" in the first paragraph, and I recommend shortening it to "... they decide to spend their summer in Oceanshell Town..." so that "town" is only used once. You have generic statements, such as Emma spiraling into depression and having questions. This is a mystery story, and while reactions/emotions are important, they do not make the plot, and therefore shouldn't be included in the blurb. If you want to include a sense of anxiety/urgency within the blurb, you could add that time was running out, or that Emma was in danger of losing something if she didn't solve this mystery in time.
YOUR HOOK: (4/5) Your blurb was free and clean of any grammatical errors, which I appreciated. I also noticed that this was a very plain start. It didn't hook me in, and I didn't get the feeling/mood of your genre and turn of the story. You could be more creative with how the two girls decide to spend their summer as well. It would have been nicer to show this rather than tell it. For example, they could be watching TV and seeing an add for a summer vacation. This would help me, as the reader, understand the mood of the story, the relationship between the characters, and also the setting of their home.
YOUR GRAMMAR: (4/10) You struggled with your punctuation and capitalization with dialogues. If your dialogue is accompanied with a dialogue tag (he said, she yelled, they shouted, describing the way someone says something), the dialogue tag is a continuation of the dialogue sentence. For example, it doesn't make sense for the clause, "She said," to be a sentence by itself. Therefore, it's part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue should end in a comma to indicate that the sentence isn't complete, and the start of a dialogue tag is not capitalized, as it's not the start of a new sentence. The opposite goes for action tags. If your dialogue is accompanied by an action tag (she grinned/he sighed/they walked away, basically an action), the action should not be part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue doesn't help the action tag make sense; the action tag should be a sentence by itself. Therefore, the dialogue should end in a period to signify the end of the sentence, and the start of the action tag should always be capitalized, as it's the start of a new sentence. Of course, the punctuation may vary. Exclamation marks and question marks can end a dialogue regardless of the tag accompanying it, as long as if it's a dialogue tag, the dialogue never ends in a period, and for an action tag, it never ends in a comma.
Example of dialogue + dialogue tag: "'I'm okay,' she said." OR "She said, 'I'm okay.'"
Example of dialogue + action tag: "'I'm okay.' She forced a smile." OR "She forced a smile. 'I'm okay.'"
I noticed that you tended to leave out punctuation in your dialogues. Just like ending sentences, dialogues need to be ended as well. Just because you add a dialogue mark to the end doesn't mean it's a complete sentence. It isn't complete until you add a punctuation mark at the end. I've pointed out some examples of this below.
You had a lot of comma mistakes. Keep in mind that commas are used to separate different clauses within a sentence, whether they're independent or dependent. An independent clause has a subject (who/what is doing the action) and a predicate (the action being done by the subject). Oftentimes, a sentence has two independent clauses, joined together with a conjunction. In the sentence, "I cried then Billy ran away," there are two independent clauses here. One is, "I cried," and the other is, "Billy ran away." Both have a subject and a predicate, and they're joined together by the conjunction, "then." Because of this, the two clauses still need to be separated with a comma, the correction being: "I cried, then Billy ran away."
Dependent clauses are just like independent clauses: they also have a subject and a predicate. However, dependent clauses are exactly like what they sound like; they're dependent on another clause. They don't make sense by themselves. For example, the clause, "I decided not to," has both a subject and a predicate, but it needs more context to make sense. There should be another clause attached or a sentence before it that it depends on making sense. When joined to another clause with a conjunction, the dependent clause should still be separated with a comma as well.
Commas are also used to separate an introductory phrase or word before the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause is "I went to work," where the subject is "I," and the predicate/action is "went to work." The word "today" is not included in the clause, and therefore should be separated with a comma. The correction would be: "Today, I went to work." This is a lot of information to take in, but try to keep these rules in mind for the next time you're writing.
I noticed the amount of comma splices used as well. A comma splice is joining two different independent clauses together, and separating them with a comma, but not a conjunction. An example of this is: "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two different independent clauses, "I went to work" and "I drove in my car." They both have predicates and subjects, and are separated with a comma. However, you must separate them with a conjunction as well. Without a conjunction, this turns into a comma splice. You have two options in this case. You can either replace the comma with a period and turn it into two different sentences, or add in a conjunction. In this case, the correction can be, "I went to work, and I drove in my car," or "I went to work. I drove in my car." You have many cases of comma splices in your writing, which I've pointed out for you. There were many that I haven't pointed out, so make sure to do that.
You often slipped up in your tense. Whether your story is set in past or present tense, you need to pick one and stay in it. If you're in past tense, you should use words such as "didn't" and "wanted." If you're writing in present tense, you should use, "don't" and "want." I've shown a few examples where you slipped up your tense below, so keep this rule in mind for future writing.
I noticed that you had unnecessary capitalization, or you were missing capitalization in certain places. The beginning of a new sentence, a certain person, place, or thing, must always be capitalized. The next time you capitalize (or don't capitalize), keep this rule in mind.
You struggled with apostrophes and contractions. For example, the contraction "let's" and the word "lets" have different meanings, and should be applied appropriate depending on the context of the scene. Before adding an apostrophe, say out the full words "let us" and see if it makes sense.
YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (2/5) I found many misspellings and typos within your writing. Before doing anything, focus on cleaning up your spelling errors. Strengthen your basic diction use, as you misspelled or misused basic, everyday words. Make sure to edit thoroughly and proof-read before uploading a chapter.
YOUR PLOT: (5/20) I appreciated the direction you went with this story. You had a good concept/idea, but there was a lot you didn't expand upon or appropriately describe. It felt as though you were rushing through your plot, and you didn't thoroughly think out how each scene would play out. The triggering action of the girls deciding to go to Oceanshell was just Chloe suddenly saying, "hey, let's go somewhere!" It felt awkward and forced. You could explain further the legend of the mangled fingers, and how it impacted the town before this recent incident. You didn't thoroughly world-build, and I never got a strong sense of the protagonist's surroundings. I also noticed that it took five chapters for the actual triggering (the disappearance of Roberto) to happen. The first four chapters were all filler chapters. Your readers probably didn't come to read about how the girls met each and every resident of Oceanshell, visited every shop, and did a lot of tourist-ing. I suggest fitting those things all in one chapter, not expanding it through five. While it's good to set the scene, most of your chapters were unnecessary and didn't contribute to the plot at all.
YOUR CHARACTERS: (3/10) I didn't get strong descriptions of any characters that stayed in my mind. You mentioned hair color or eye color in passing, but didn't expand on their personalities or actions. Your narrative consisted mostly of dialogue, of things such as, "'Hi,' said Katie. 'Hi,' said Reilly. 'How are you?' Katie asked. 'Good,' Reilly replied." Do you see how this doesn't contribute to the plot or reveal anything about your characters? You didn't do a lot of self-reflecting either. You typically wrote a few questions that your protagonist had, then had her thoughts conveniently broken out of to continue the scene. Instead of cutting her thoughts short, have her sit down and think about the situation. This helps your readers connect with your characters and understand them.
YOUR VOICE: (7/20) You have a very simple writing style. While this can be a good thing, as it's easier for your audience to understand and read, it can also be bad, because you have a lot of filler words. So your writing style is very short and simple, but also confusing and random. You have a lot of potential in this area. I recommend getting rid of all your descriptions and purple prose—excessive description—and focusing on shortening/tightening sentences to make the most sense. Then, you can begin to sprinkle in fun/interesting diction/vocabulary, and add in descriptions/sensory detail/figurative language throughout the entire chapter. I noticed that you typically only include figurative language in the first or last paragraph, then completely disregard the rest of the chapter. Keep it consistent and smooth.
STORY FLOW: (2/5) I found your transitions to be very awkward. You had a lot of repetition, especially when your characters are thinking. You always transition into the next scene by having something/something break their train of thought. You also rushed through some scenes, and when removing a character from a scene, you told the audience that they had to go, rather than showing it. Your story pacing was very inconsistent. Most of your scenes were rushed and not properly thought out, but the overall story itself was crawling at a snail's pace. That means many of your scenes were filler scenes. Remove the unnecessary information, and focus on keeping each scene at the same, consistent pace.
So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to each individual chapter.
1. A PLAN FOR THE SUMMER:
1. "Her long ash brown hair move as she shakes her head." (p.5). Here, "move" should be plural, and you need a hyphen between "ash" and "brown." Additionally, I found this sentence to be plain and awkward. You could be stronger with the verb use. "Move" doesn't have a strong effect on your readers, but "swish" can. Correction/Suggestion: "Her long ash-brown hair swishes/ripples as she shakes her head." In the same paragraph, it's unprofessional to end a sentence with more than one punctuation. In the dialogue, you ended it with two exclamation marks, which is grammatically incorrect. You shouldn't use more than one punctuation mark at a time.
2. In paragraph 6, you have an incomplete sentence. By ending the sentence with a comma, you're indicating that the sentence continues. However, that's where the sentence ends and the new paragraph starts, so the comma should be replaced with a period.
3. "No, we are going somewhere and that's final, I'll come up with some places till dinner..." (p.7). You're missing a comma here, and you also have a comma splice. As a reminder, a comma splice is putting two clauses together with a comma, but without a conjunction. To correct this, you can either replace the comma with a period, or add a conjunction. In this case, since the sentence is already on the longer side, I suggest the former. Correction: "No, we are going somewhere, and that's final. I'll come up with some places till dinner..."
4. "'It would be nice.' I think silently." (p.9). Since this isn't verbally spoken out loud, the dialogue markings aren't necessary. "I think silently" is a dialogue tag and is a continued part of the sentence. The thought should end in a comma to indicate that the sentence continues, and I also suggest italicizing the thought. Correction/Suggestion: "It would be nice, I think silently." This applies to the other times your character has a thought.
5. In paragraph 10, you have a spelling error. "Loosing" is "losing."
6. In paragraph 15, you have an incomplete sentence. If you end the sentence and start another or a new paragraph, a period should be used to indicate a new sentence/paragraph is starting.
7. "I on the lights and place my bag on the table." (p.22). You seem to be missing a word here. Correction: "I turn on the lights and place my bag on the table." Additionally, you have repetition in this paragraph. For several sentences in a row, you started with "I." It sounds awkward and forced when you say it out loud, and it doesn't help that those sentences are all similar in length. I suggest experimenting with sentence length and structure, and to avoid using the same word to start a sentence more than twice in a row.
8. "Not many, Just a few..." (p.29). You have an unnecessarily capitalized word here. Since the previous clause ends in a comma, the next one is a continued part of the sentence, not the start of a new one. Correction: "Not many, just a few..."
9. "... but it was really hard to decide among so many." (p.32). You have a tense slip-up here. Keep in mind that you're writing in present tense, not past. Correction: "... but it is really hard to decide among so many."
10. "'Obviously it's nice,' Chloe rolls her eyes." (p.35). You're missing a comma here. Additionally, the clause after the dialogue is not a dialogue tag, but an action tag. It isn't describing the way the person says something, which shows that it's an action tag. The comma in the dialogue should be replaced with a period to show that the action tag is a separate sentence. Correction: "'Obviously, it's nice.' Chloe rolls her eyes."
11. In paragraph 38, in your second dialogue, you need to capitalize the first word because it's a start of a new sentence.
12. In paragraph 43, you have unnecessary capitalization. Keep in mind that specific places, persons, or things, or the beginning of a new sentence, should be capitalized. All else is lowercase.
2. THE INHABITANTS OF OCEANSHELL:
1. "And so the sky was equal parts blue and a chorus of greys, streaked with silvers and golds." (p.1). I don't recommend pluralizing "silver" and "gold" because you can't really count them. Additionally, you have a tense slip up. Remember to stay in present tense, not past.
2. "'... my name is Oliver Watson.' the man says." (p.9). Since the dialogue tag is included in the sentence, the period should be replaced with a comma to indicate that the sentence continues. Correction: "'... my name is Oliver Watson,' the man says."
3. In paragraph 13, I suggest writing out numbers between 1 to 10 and more than that as well. Not writing out numbers can be unprofessional and break the flow of the story.
4. You have excess information in paragraph 15. Your reader does not need to know about the side-table and the chairs. Unless you decide to describe the overall mood and condition of the room, do not do this. If you write descriptions, it should be to immerse your reader into the story, not to bore them with chairs and tables. Here, I suggest reflecting how the character feels with the condition of the room, rather than describing the room itself, as it doesn't contribute to the plot.
5. I was a bit confused by paragraph 21. Oliver Watson's job is to manage the counter of the hotel, and he's just going to leave his place to accompany the girls? Frankly, if I were Emma, I would be suspicious and wary of this behavior. This is also unprofessional to do within a job, and these girls don't know this man. If you choose to write this, describe Oliver's decision. Maybe it's also his job to give tours or accompany tourists. Is there another person manning the counter while he's away?
6. "'What do you do?' Oliver asks me, 'I mean, your work.'" (p.25). You have a habit of linking all sentences and dialogues in one sentence. While this is still correct, it's not necessary. The dialogues themselves could be two separate sentences, so the comma should be replaced with a period. Correction: "'What do you do?' Oliver asks me. 'I mean, your work.'"
7. In paragraph 27, you have unnecessary capitalization regarding your dialogue and dialogue tag.
8. "Patrick loves them really." (p.46). The word "really" is unnecessary here, and serves as a filler word. Suggestion: "Patrick loves them."
9. In paragraph 48, you have a tense slip-up. "Was" should be "Is." You have this mistake often throughout this chapter, so make sure to look for this mistake when editing.
10. "I and Chloe look at the scene with wide eyes." (p.59). Saying "I and Chloe" is incorrect. You can say "Chloe and I" or "Me and Chloe," but "I and Chloe" is grammatically incorrect.
11. "Oliver was already waiting for us." (p.74). You have a tense slip-up here.
12. In paragraph 89, the only way to properly end a sentence is with a period. If you use a comma, you're indicating that it isn't over.
3. THE FAMOUS ARTIST:
1. In paragraph 3, you need to end the sentence with a period. This happens too much throughout your chapters and is very grammatically incorrect. Keep this rule in mind for when you're proof-reading, editing, or writing in the future.
2. You're missing a space in paragraph 10.
3. In paragraph 13, you need to capitalize the beginning of the second dialogue, because it's the start of a new sentence. Additionally, you don't need the comma after "like."
4. "'Yeah.' I agree." (p.21). Since the dialogue tag is a continuation of the sentence, the period should be replaced with a comma to show that the sentence is continued. This mistake is frequent, and I haven't pointed them all out, so make sure to go through and find them on your own. Correction: "'Yeah,' I agree."
5. "'Oceanshell Secondary School,' Someone else joins in." (p.31). Since the dialogue tag is a continuation of the sentence, and not the start of a new one, the capitalization is incorrect. Correction: "'Oceanshell Secondary School,' someone else joins in." Additionally, you could elaborate on the setting. What does the school look like? What about the weather? I also suggest erasing information that isn't necessary. So far, you've stretched out introductions and provided unnecessary information. I'm on the third chapter, and the triggering action that begins the plot still hasn't happened yet.
6. In paragraph 43, since you have "headmaster" capitalized, you should apply that to every time you use the word "headmaster," and this applies to this paragraph as well. And why is the Headmaster accompanying them to the museum? Doesn't he have work to do? Provide some background information as to why the Headmaster would want to go along with some tourists and not do his job.
7. "Her caramel brown hair are tied in a high pony." (p.46). Here, "are" should be "is." Additionally, can you elaborate on the painting itself? You spent a lot of time describing that it was beautiful and amazing, but how was it amazing? What feelings did it invoke within your protagonist? Did she feel inspired by it? Can you compare it with a memory or simile?
8. "Someone taps me at my shoulder." (p.50). This sentence is awkward, and it could be shortened. You have filler words that can be removed, and the action can be directly described. Correction/Suggestion: "Someone taps my shoulder."
9. "Although I was surprised to know that Harriet wants to talk to me, I pretend not to be." (p.52). You have a tense slip-up here. Correction: "Although I'm surprised to know that Harriet wants to talk to me, I pretend not to be."
10. In paragraph 83, you ended the word "Okay" with a comma. This means the sentence is incomplete, when it should be. You need to replace the comma with a period.
4. A FINGER IN A BOTTLE:
1. The first paragraph is beautiful. I appreciated the effort put into the detail. However, I want to point out that this is a repetition. You always start off a chapter with some kind of description, and if you do use descriptions, they should be evenly distributed throughout the chapter. Usually, only the first paragraph or two are descriptive, and it seems like you check that off your list and continue on writing. You shouldn't have to check it off, because descriptive language should always be used in writing. Focus on sprinkling descriptive throughout the entire chapter instead of just the beginning.
2. In paragraph 16, I suggest writing out numbers. "10:30" should be "ten-thirty." Additionally, the sentence, "... we have to reach there by..." is awkward. You could replace the filler word with something more comfortable. Suggestion: "... we have to be there by..." These are common phrases/filler words that should be used daily, so since you're struggling with these, I suggest spending more time strengthening your basic diction and vocabulary.
3. "'... but, Em here, says, she is excited to meet them.'" (p.29). You have misplaced/unnecessary commas here. Correction: "'... but Em here says she is excited to meet them.'"
4. "'We'll see,' I smile." (p.31). "I smile" is an action tag, not a dialogue tag. Therefore, it is its own separate sentence from the dialogue. The punctuation at the end of the dialogue should be replaced with a period to show that the sentence ends, and another starts. Correction: "'We'll see.' I smile."
5. "She wants to meet Jacob Davies." (p.32). This sentence is awkward and stilted. This phrase doesn't contribute to the plot in any way, and it's an awkward way to transition and remove a character from a scene. I suggest showing, not telling. You could express through dialogue that the character needed to leave, and why.
6. "Chloe doesn't waits for anything. She tells people when their wrong without hesitation." (p.40). Here, the word "waits" should be singular, as it's describing a singular subject. Additionally, "their" should be "they're." "Their" is a possessive word, meaning something belongs to them. "They're" is the correct use, as it's a contraction of "They" and "are." Correction: "Chloe doesn't wait for anything. She tells people when they're wrong without hesitation."
7. "'Hey, let's take the front seats,' Chloe grabs my arm and pulls me with her to the front." (p.41). The action tag is a separate sentence from the dialogue sentence. That means the dialogue should end in a period to indicate that the sentence ends and another begins. Correction: "'Hey, let's take the front seats.' Chloe grabs my arm and pulls me with her to the front."
8. "'For always being there for me,' Chloe smiles." (p.75). Again, you have the same problem here. The action tag and the dialogue should be two separate sentences. Correction: "'For always being there for me.' Chloe smiles."
9. "A day has past since the fight in the cinema." (p.78). You incorrectly used the word "past" here. The word "past" means that something that happened before, but you're looking for the word "passed," which means move on from or move by. Correction: "A day has passed since the fight in the cinema."
10. In paragraph 98, you didn't end the dialogue with punctuation. That makes a grammatically incorrect and incomplete sentence. All dialogues must end with punctuation.
5. RUMOURS:
1. "Different thoughts were running through my mind, making it impossible to understand what was happening." (p.1). You have a tense slip-up here. This happens frequently through your writing, so look out for this when editing. Correction: "Different thoughts run through my mind, making it impossible to understand what was happening."
2. "And I and Chloe can inform the police." (p.6). This sentence is grammatically incorrect. You can say "Me and Chloe" or "Chloe and I," but "I and Chloe" is incorrect. This mistake is repetitive throughout your writing. Correction: "Chloe and I can inform the police." (this option of correction is suggested as the best option compared to the other correction).
3. "I nod. 'yeah.'" (p.7). You need capitalization here. Since "Yeah" is the start of the new sentence, you need to capitalize on it. Any start of a sentence should be. Correction: "I nod. 'Yeah.'"
4. "Paul let's out a muffled sob at first..." (p.8). The apostrophe is unnecessary. By adding one, you're turning it into a contraction, "let us." If you apply it to the sentence, it would sound like this: "Paul let us out a muffled sob at first..." which is incorrect. Correction: "Paul lets out a muffled sob at first..."
5. "I didn't know Paul has a brother, before." (p.10). The comma here is unnecessary. You confused your tenses as well. Although you're writing in present tense, as this is a product of the past, it should be written as so. Correction: "I didn't know Paul had a brother before."
6. "The door of the cupboard is open, it's contents lying in front of it." (p.12). You have an unnecessary apostrophe here. By adding it, you're turning it into a contraction, "it is." It doesn't make sense if you apply it to the sentence. This mistake is quickly becoming repetitive. Correction: "The door of the cupboard is open, its contents lying in front of it."
7. "Paul was silent now, just hiccoughing." (p.13). You have a tense slip-up here. Correction: "Paul is silent now, just hiccoughing."
8. "And you believed them Chloe?" (p.32). You're missing a comma here. The main clause is "And you believed them" with a subject and predicate. "Chloe" is a separate word from the main clause, so a comma is needed. Correction: "And you believed them, Chloe?"
9. "Police is trying to calm people..." (p.44). Since "police" is used here as being plural, "is" should be in the plural form. Correction: "Police are trying to calm people..."
10. "But, I thought, these legends are not true..." (p.66). You have unnecessary commas here. Additionally, since this is dialogue, it doesn't matter what tense is used. I suggest turning this to past tense, since in reality, people don't speak in this kind of present tense. Correction: "But I thought these legends weren't true..."
***
I caught a lot of grammar mistakes in your writing. While I appreciate your simple writing style, I suggest cleaning up your writing and strengthening your basic vocabulary. Regarding your descriptions, instead of dumping them all at the beginning or end of a chapter, spread it out evenly so you aren't writing purple prose or disregarding the rest of the chapter.
TOTAL SCORE: 39/100
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Written on 04/07/2021