Shuichi wasn't sure what time it was when the taxi finally arrived to take him home. After Kokichi left with Miu, he had lost track of time. His mind was a swirly mess of confusion and regret, with enough thoughts to keep him distracted for hours.
Shuichi squints at the oncoming lights of the Taxi and begrudgingly pushes himself off the wet grass where he was laying. His pants and hoodie clinging to his body, perfectly showcasing the gross way he feels.
He was wrong. He thought putting some distance between himself and Kokichi would be good. That he could finally stop having all of the uncomfortable thoughts, but it only managed to hurt the friendship they'd been building. Shuichi's not even sure if Kokichi would accept an apology from him.
Would Kokichi want to move out? He knows at some point it will be inevitable and one of them will have to move out, but so soon? The thought sent shivers of fear up his spine. He's not ready to be alone, and even if it's Kokichi, his company wasn't so unwelcome anymore.
Sleep tugged heavily on his eyelids, almost falling asleep multiple times in the car ride home. His legs felt heavy walking up the steps to his apartment. Kokichi is probably already home and asleep. So he took extra care to be quiet as he entered the apartment and crossed over into the bedroom.
Kokichi is sleeping, as expected, sheets wrapped around him, covering him completely. A small tuft of hair peeking through the crack at the top. Shuichi stared for a moment watching the sheets move as Kokichi breathed.
He peeled off the grass damp clothes and threw them hazardously into the corner. His pajama pants were still on the ground from the night before, but getting a clean shirt would mean pulling open the drawer that squeaks, and possibly waking up Kokichi. So he settled on going to sleep without one.
He felt cold now without a shirt, he's not sure how Kokichi does it. Every night Kokichi goes to bed wearing nothing but his boxers, and if he does wear something it's very light. Shuichi gets cold too easy for that.
He pushes back the covers slightly and slides quietly into bed, trying to keep his movements to a minimum. If he woke up Kokichi it would be an awkward mess.
Despite how messy his head was, he could feel sleep pulling him in as soon as his head hit the pillow. He has to make a plan. It's his fault that this fight between them happened in the first place, and tomorrow he's going to fix it.
Kokichi's not going to accept an apology, he made that clear. He said that he wants him to show he's sorry through his actions. Maybe Kokichi knew then that he was trying to distance himself, and wanted him to apologize by going back to normal? God he really messed that up then. He had been so sure that Kokichi wouldn't notice him distancing himself. He thought it would help.
***
A cry broke loose in the still room, a sweaty shoulder shoved against Shuichi's sleeping body, rousing him somewhat. Shuichi scooted over away from the body and mumbled incoherently.
Another cry, this one louder.
Shuichi's brain caught up to the noise, his eyes cracking open.
"Oh no, not again." It was a nightmare again. Although this looked ten times worse than last night. Was that because of him?
Kokichi had tears running down his cheeks, his chest shuddering with each fast breath. He was tossing back and forth viciously, his hoarse cries following him.
Shuichi jerks forward onto his knees, hovering over Kokichi. This is awful he looks like he's in so much pain.
"Kokichi wake up, you're dreaming!" Shuichi grasps onto Kokichi's shoulders and shakes, unsure of any other way that could wake him. Kokichi's mouth parts, letting out a sharp scream that makes his skin crawl.
"Wake. Up." He shook Kokichi's body until Kokichi's eye's flashed open and he shot up in bed.
Kokichi's whole body was shaking, breathing so hard and fast, he was hyperventilating. Tears were streaming down his face, but he wasn't crying. He was staring out blankly at the room, eyes fixated on nothing.
"Kokichi listen to me, it was a nightmare, you're okay." Shuichi hesitantly rested his hand against Kokichi's bare back, expecting it to be rejected. Kokichi paid no attention to it continuing to hyperventilate. "Kokichi breathe. You need to breathe. Bring the air in through your nose and release out your mouth."
Shuichi is familiar with this, it often happened to him when he would have panic attacks. He needed to slow his breathing and control it. Shuichi could tell Kokichi heard him, as he brought in a breath and let it go through his mouth.
"Good, now slower. Hold it for three seconds. I'll do it with you." Kokichi's panicked wet eyes turned towards Shuichi, their faces inches from each other, and Shuichi nodded encouragingly. He breathed in slowing, watching as Kokichi mimicked his actions, and let it out.
Shuichi repeated the action several times until Kokichi was breathing somewhat normally again. Though Shuichi could still feel the pounding of his heart on his hand.
Now they're just staring at each other, Shuichi's not sure if he's supposed to say something. Kokichi's not making any moves to leave like he did last night.
"How often has that been happening to you?" Shuichi is ready for Kokichi to get up and storm off, but it doesn't come. Instead, Kokichi looks down and leans into the hand on his back.
"About every night since I woke up from the coma," Kokichi's voice was rough from screaming, cracking ever so slightly as he spoke. "Some nights are worse than others, I didn't have any when I got drunk, but tonight was pretty bad."
Shuichi was surprised that Kokichi was actually talking to him, especially after tonight. He wants to ask him more, but the last time he asked about his dreams Kokichi didn't seem keen to answer. Maybe he's in the mood to talk now?
"What are they about?" he asked softly, trying not to disturb the bubble of peace they had created.
"Dying," his voice tapered off.
"Oh." It was an obvious answer, but it didn't stop the drop in his stomach.
"Yeah," Kokichi laughed. It was a pitiful little laugh, one that was doing it's best to hold back tears.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Kokichi shook his head, closing his eyes tightly, small tear droplets falling off his face with the movement. Shuichi understood why he wouldn't want to talk about it and was ready to try and change the conversation, yet Kokichi started talking.
"I'm there again in the killing game," Kokichi stared out blankly silent tears rolling down his cheeks, body still shivering. Shuichi wasn't going to interrupt him if he was finally opening up, so he stayed as still as possible. "And I'm- I'm laying on the press. I can still feel how cold the metal was. And the smell of my own blood."
Kokichi's tears were streaming faster, and Shuichi watched almost fascinated. He'd never seen Kokichi like this before, so open, so vulnerable. So human. He had seen him cry when he was drunk, but that was just from the alcohol. This was raw and real. It was a strange cry, Shuichi had seen people sob loudly, and seen people's faces completely a mess with snot and tears, he is no exception. Kokichi's tears were like silent waterfalls.
It provoked a feeling so deep in Shuichi, he wasn't sure how to describe it. He had always seen Kokichi as someone who was emotionless, only caring about himself. Perhaps that's what Kokichi wanted them to see.
"I'm so scared and alone. And the press is lowering so slow, even if I wanted it to stop I couldn't. It was my last chance to take down the mastermind," his words were coming out faster and he slowed himself down by taking another deep breath, hiccupping. "It was so close. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop it!" Kokichi was starting to panic again, Shuichi rubbed his hand in soothing circles making soft shushing sounds to try and calm him.
"I relive that moment every night. The way it slowly crushed me and being so alone. Everyone hated me and D.I.C.E was dead. And now, D.I.C.E was never real and I have no one. Sometimes I question if this is even real, that I really died that day."
Shuichi can't listen anymore, it hurts too much.
"Kokichi no." Kokichi stopped at his words, looking over to meet his eyes. "What I said that day was wrong. No matter how mad I was I shouldn't have said it. You are not alone." Shuichi brought his hand up to wipe away Kokichi's tears, his thumb stalling on his plump cheek. Kokichi visibly froze. He retracted his hand back, hoping he didn't upset Kokichi more.
"And this is real. Ok?" Kokichi seemed hesitant, if he didn't want to believe him he would show him. Shuichi picked up Kokichi's warm clenched hand, gently brushing his fingers over his knuckles. Kokichi took in a sharp intake of air, watching him carefully. Shuichi unfolded Kokichi's hand, placing it over his heart and holding it there. With his other hand, he placed it on Kokichi's chest, feeling the fluttering heartbeat quicken. "See, you're alive. If you weren't I wouldn't be able to feel your heartbeat, and you wouldn't be able to feel mine."
Kokichi curled and released his fingers underneath Shuichi's palm, the warm hand on his chest sent a flurry of butterflies through his stomach. Everything in him told him to run, but he wasn't going to do that anymore.
"Can I hear it?" His voice was just above a whisper, the stream of tears stopped.
"Um yeah."
Kokichi leaned forward, the covers between them bunching, laying his head on Shuichi's chest where his hand was. Shuichi really hopes Kokichi doesn't notice the way his heart speeds up. The way Kokichi was positioned put almost his whole upper body onto Shuichi's lap, his soft warm skin pressed against him.
Shuichi draped an unsure arm across Kokichi's body and shifted slightly to make sure he was comfortable. This was going on far longer than he thought it would, but if he had to, he was willing to stay this way all night.
Kokichi's hair looked soft and he had the strange urge to move his hands up and play with it. Was he allowed to? Shuichi moved slowly starting, with touching a few strands, and then moving to push the hair behind Kokichi's ear and raking his hand over Kokichi's scalp. Kokichi nodded his head in approval, his wet face rubbing against his chest.
He wasn't sure how much time had passed, but his back was starting to hurt. Kokichi breaths had mellowed and when Shuichi pushed his hair back again, he could see that he had fallen asleep. Shuichi laid down slowly keeping Kokichi tight to his chest to not move him, and fell asleep.
***
Shuichi woke up second again. Maybe Kokichi would be happy like yesterday morning and when he leaves the bedroom everything will be okay. He knows that won't happen though. There was no way they could go on not talking about what happened. He just needs to clean the air.
Last night was giving him reassurance that things can get better. Even after their fight, Kokichi had confided in him, and that's how he's able to walk out of the bedroom ready to face the conversation head-on.
Kokichi was sitting on the couch, curled up in a corner watching tv and picking at a bag of chips. He turned toward Shuichi at the sound of the door closing, eyes glossing over him, lips in a tight straight line. Shuichi waved and Kokichi went back to watching tv like he wasn't there.
"Kokichi can we talk?"
Kokichi looked at him again as he sat down next to him on the couch, turning the tv volume down.
"It looks like you're already doing that."
"It's about last night." Shuichi waited to see if Kokichi had anything to say before continuing. "I know you said you don't like apologies, but I'm just going to say it. I'm really sorry, and I'm not just saying that to make myself feel better, I truly mean it. I've just been feeling really off these past days, but I shouldn't have projected that onto you. And at the party, I didn't say anything to people about us living together, not because I'm embarrassed or something, it just wasn't the right timing. I'd liked to continue on with-" Being your friend? Can he call it that? "Uh~ getting to know you more." Shuichi felt like he may have gone a bit overboard, it started to turn into a rant, he was out of breath by the time he finished.
"Are you done?" Kokichi asked, voice calm.
"Yes."
Kokichi let out a long sigh. "Okay~ I already told you my opinion on apologies, but I'll accept. And if we're going to be living together, don't do that again. I know you and all your friends think I'm an emotionless shell, but contrary to popular belief I actually do have feelings. As much I wouldn't like to," he finished, mumbling the last sentence under his breath.
"I won't, I promise. And i don't actually think you're emotionless either." He might have at one point, but definitely not anymore.
"Good," Kokichi smiled that playful grin of his, a weight lifted off Shuichi's chest seeing it again. "Chip?" Kokichi tipped the bag over towards him and Shuichi grabbed some.
"What are you watching?"
"Something stupid. The lady talks really fast though, so it's funny."
Shuichi tried to follow along with the show, but he became distracted by how dark it was outside. The sky was completely grey and raindrops trickled down the window.
"What time is it?"
"One."
"Wait are you serious!" Shuichi sat up abruptly
"Yeah. Calm down it's not like we're doing anything."
"I guess, I just like getting up earlier. I didn't think I slept that long."
"We're live-streaming the second chapter of Danganronpa in like thirty minutes. You okay with that?"
"Yeah. Wait, no."
"What, why?"
"My hair looks bad I need to dye it." Kokichi gawked at him like he was crazy before breaking into laughter. "What? What's funny?"
"You! Jeez, who knew you were one to care about appearance. Look if it makes you feel better I need to dye mine too." Shuichi didn't mean to sound vain, he just felt more comfortable with his hair dyed. Kokichi's eyes glinted with his trickster spirit and he could tell Kokichi just got an idea.
"What?" he asked hesitantly, not ready for the answer.
"What about after we finish streaming we dye each other's hair!"
"Kokichi."
"Come on, it sounds fun."
"It sounds dangerous, but I guess we can do that."
"Yay!" Kokichi jumped up with too much excitement and Shuichi felt suddenly worried for the future of his hair.
"Wait I don't think we have bleach. We only have the color."
"That's okay. We can walk to the store and pick some up. Oh and then we can get some snacks and watch a movie when we're done."
"Kokichi, it's raining."
"It might not be by the time we get done. Can you stop being such a wet blanket, I'm trying to find something fun for us to do. And you did say you wanted to get to know me correct?" Kokichi's voice was muffled as he began to set up the computer for the stream.
"I- you're right. We can do that." Kokichi made a small whooping sound and continued setting up.
Shuichi did his part by dragging over a chair and heating up some leftovers for them to eat while they played. He was excited to stream again, for the most part, the people had been really nice and he was actually enjoying the game. He would pick playing fake Danganronpa over real Danganronpa any day.
Shuichi took a seat next to Kokichi, and this time when Kokichi leaned forward to push the stack of papers out of the way, he didn't move his leg and let it slide against Kokichi's.
***
The stream felt so quick, but in reality, hours were passing. It took them longer this time because they got into an argument over who to spend free time with, Kokichi eventually ending up winning and talking to Celeste. They picked on the leftovers and talked with some of the viewers. Shuichi had become pretty stumped about who killed Chihiro, he first suspected Byakuya, but that couldn't be right. Kokichi seemed pretty amused by the appearance of Genocide Jill. Shuichi eventually figured out it was Mondo and Kokichi was on the same page with him. Overall he found himself having fun again and as soon as the stream was over Kokichi was rushing him out of the apartment.
"Woah! Hold on. Let me get a coat, it's still drizzling."
"Okay hurry up. Get me one too."
Shuichi walked to the bedroom pulling two coats from the closet. "Why are you in such a hurry?"
"I'm going to go stir crazy if I don't leave this tiny ass apartment." Kokichi stood practically vibrating at the door, motioning him forward.
"We were out yesterday." Shuichi handed him the coat and began putting his on.
"Yeah, but we went directly to another house. So it doesn't count."
"Do you think we need a flashlight? It's dark outside."
"Stop worrying so much we have our phones. Now let's go!" Kokichi made giant arm motions towards the door, Shuichi chuckled and walked out. It was chilly outside, Shuichi pulled his coat around him as tight as could, struggling to keep up with Kokichi.
"How are you walking so fast? Do you even know where we're going?"
"Uh, yeah I think."
"That doesn't sound very reassuring."
"I'm using directions. It's really close we just have to take some shortcuts through alleyways."
"Alleyways! Can you slow down? I can't keep up with you." Kokichi stopped walking waiting for him to catch up.
"Heh, it's a habit. I'm used to running from the police with D.I.C.E. Well at least that's what my fake memories say." Shuichi caught his breath and they continued walking.
The coinvent store parking lot was empty, the wet pavement reflecting the red lights of the store sign. Shuichi watched Kokichi skip ahead, a smile growing on his face, things were starting to feel better again.
Shuichi wasn't sure where Kokichi had run off to when he got into the store. Instead choosing not to worry and go straight to the hair product aisle. The store smelled like plastic, and the floors squeaked beneath his feet. It was probably better that they went at night, that way there was less of a chance someone would recognize them.
Most of the bleach boxes had pictures of blonde women on the front, and since he really wasn't a good judge of products, he went with the one that looked the most pleasant. Hopefully it will get the job done.
A large green sphere came hurdling at Shuichi, he spotted it in his peripheral vision, he tried to jump out of the way, but it was far too late. The ball smacked into his face, almost knocking him over.
"Ow!" he looked around dazed, eyes landing on the offending green bouncy ball. A menacing laugh had him doing a double take up and down the aisle.
"Kokichi come out."
"I'm gay."
Shuichi facepalmed. "No not that, get out here." Shuichi heard some shuffling and then Kokichi appeared at the front of the aisle.
"Did I get ya?" His arms were filled with different snacks and treats, his signature smile plastered on.
"By get, do you mean smacked in the face with a ball? Then yes. Where were you anyway?"
"Off gathering snacks, and climbing the back of that shelf to hit you with the ball."
"You're going to get us kicked out."
"Not if we check out. Are you ready?"
"Yeah, I think so. I just picked this one, it should work.
The old lady at the front counter was short and chubby, chewing a piece of gum ridiculously hard, while reading a magazine. Kokichi approached her, slamming down all the stuff he was holding in his arms and startling the woman.
"Hi!" Kokichi sung happily.
"Hi," she replied back, lacking all energy.
"Hello~" Kokichi repeated drawing out the end. Shuichi shot him a questionable look, which was returned with a wink. Oh no, this can't be good. What is he up to?
The lady began scanning things and putting them into a bag, smacking her lips noisily.
"What color is your shirt? Chartreuse?" Kokichi leaned against the counter, his voice taking on a whole new character Shuichi had yet to hear.
"It's yellow."
"Oh, right. Well, it's definitely your color, I love it!"
"Cash or credit?" Shuichi stepped forward pulling out his wallet to pay, sending a tight-lipped smile at the lady, who squinted her eyes back at him.
"So what's your name?" Kokichi continued.
"Himari," she coldly answered.
"Wow! How funny. That's my grandmother's name. Such a nice woman. Gentle soul, honestly. Such a beautiful name." The lady handed over the bag to Shuichi and he grabbed onto Kokichi's elbow, pulling him to leave. "Have a blessed day!" Kokichi shouted as he was dragged out.
As soon as they left the store Kokichi broke into laughter and Shuichi couldn't help but catch the contagious laugh.
"Kokichi you don't know your grandma."
"I know," he sighs out satisfied.
"What was that about?"
Kokichi rummaged through his pocket as they walked, pulling out two tiny bottles he couldn't make out in the dark. "I stole nail polish."
"You what!" Shuichi almost dropped the bag.
"When we went to the counter there was a rack of nail polish, so I picked out a purple and blue one to match our soon to be renewed hair."
"You stole them right in front of her! You could have been caught."
"Yeah, but I wasn't."
"Why did you steal them, we could have just bought them?"
"For fun."
"Still doesn't make it right."
"Repeat after me Shuichi. If it's a chain, it's free reign."
"God, you're insufferable." Shuichi shook his head, even though he was grinning.
"You need to loosen up. I'm going to pop your bubble detective, going to show you how to have some real fun one of these days."
Shuichi was so distracted by the playful banter and the feeling of their shoulders bumping as they walked, that he lost track of where they were going.
"Kokichi where are we?" They were in a dark alleyway, broken bottles, and boxes scattered everywhere. The steady dripping of water could be heard further down, the brick walls looked shiny and green.
"It says this is the right way. Let's just keep walking." Shuichi couldn't help, but be a little scared. This alleyway looked like it was straight out of a horror movie. So if he scooted slightly closer to Kokichi then it was no weight on his back.
There was a fast movement behind one of the boxes and a glass bottle came rolling out, making both Kokichi and Shuichi jump. Their hearts going a mile a minute.
"Who's there?"
They heard another strange noise, it sounded somewhat like scratching. Whatever it was it didn't sound human, which calmed them down. Shuichi was able to pinpoint the noise, it was coming from an upside-down box.
"Do we lift up the box?" Kokichi asked.
Shuichi shrugged, slowly lifting up the box. Curiosity had got the better of him, and he prepared himself for the worst. They took a sharp inhale and Shuichi tossed the box to the side. A small black kitten laid on the wet pavement, shivering from the cold and severely underfed. It's big green eyes blinked up at Shuichi and Kokichi.
"It's a cat!"