Charlie's POV
It's been two weeks since I left Dallas and it's been the hardest two weeks of my life. I spent most of the days immediately following my return home sitting in my room crying and sleeping, my parents willingly watching Austy until I felt like I could bear to look at him without thinking about his Dad. I know it sounded awful, but every time I looked at him I just wanted to cry. I knew that I was not in the right frame of mind to be the Mom that I needed to be for him right now and made the decision that being away from him was better than being with him, having him wonder why Mommy always cried.
Jodie was checking in on me everyday to make sure that I was doing okay. Given her empathetic personality, she was just as upset as I was if not more for what Austin had done to me. She apologized daily and told me that even though he and I may not be together that she will always consider me like her daughter, the words bringing more tears to my eyes. I loved Jodie and Rich just like my own parents, and I respected the fact that they were calling to check in on me. But, I didn't have the heart to tell them that hearing from them was only bringing Austin to the forefront of my mind.
However, I guess it was something that I was going to have to get used to, given the fact that Austy had to have someone be a part of his life that was in connection with his Dad, since Austin made it quite clear that he was not interested in our son even in the slightest. Thinking back on it, I think that is what hurt me the most. I had always thought that Austin was going to be an amazing Dad, loving and caring for his child, always doing what was best for them and making sure that he was being the best version of himself for them. But, his true colors showed the night he came to the house. He didn't do more than give him a sideways glance even as Austy was holding his hands out for him calling his name.
I took a lot of steps to recovery in the last two weeks, after I dug myself out of my hole of perpetually crying and sleeping for the first few days. I took small steps, apologizing to Casey for what I had said to her, but still making it quite clear that I would not be in attendance at her wedding. I showered her with my congratulations and told her that I was beyond happy she had even considered me to stand up with her on her wedding day, but given the current situation that I was in the middle of dealing with I didn't feel like pretending to be happy at a wedding was the right therapy that I needed. Afterall I was more of a wallow in silence kind of girl when it came to these things.
Not to mention the fact that I knew Austin was going to be there for Mark. I'm pretty sure that he hadn't changed his mind about that being that they were such great friends. Plus, I didn't want to risk seeing him bring Ashlen there which I knew was very probable since he had her over his house the last time I had talked to him. That would be like rubbing salt in a wound.
I had also read the message from Austin that he had sent me the night that he called me drunk, coming home from whatever club he went to to wash away any thoughts of us. I read and reread the message about one hundred times over, tears falling from my eyes until I couldn't cry anymore. I wanted so badly to forgive him, to call him and tell him that I understood all of his actions. That I understood why he left me, why he didn't want to see his son. I wanted to tell him that I understood it all, but I needed to think about what having him in my life was doing to me.
I realize what I would be giving up if I decided that I didn't want him in my life anymore. I would be losing a friendship that was 16 years in the making. I would be losing a piece of me with him as he was the only one that I had ever really truly loved. I would be taking one of the most important people away from Austy, leaving him with only the memory of how he acted towards him the day that he found out he existed, and most importantly I would be taking out my heart letting it rest someone in the corner of my chest to collect dust knowing that it would never feel love again.
I started crying at those thoughts, all of them seeming horrible and world ending as I let them roll through my mind like hundreds of tumbleweeds floating through the streets of some deserted town. It pained me to think of Austin not being a part of my life, and it killed me to think of him not being a party of Austy's. But then I started to think of all the time that he had spent without him.
Sure, I always told our son who his Dad was, at two he could probably pick him out of a lineup he would've known him so well. He has listened to his Dad sing him to sleep for years, and he has watched every concert and every appearance that Austin has been in. But, he has grown up to this point just fine without him being a crucial fixture. He had such a great role model to follow with my Dad and he was such a Grandpa's boy that I knew even if things didn't work out between us that things would be just fine for him.
I let out a smile knowing that Austy's life wouldn't be so bad without Austin. And it led me to think about mine. Ever since we decided that we wanted to take our friendship to another level it has been nothing but a rollercoaster of emotions for us. He has drained me emotionally to the point where I have become an empty shell that produces just enough water to let me cry. Everytime I build myself back up again and open myself up to talk to him, he comes along and beats me down again. I know that I do it to myself, allowing myself to be too forgiving to him because I loved him so much, letting my guard down with him just when I think things are going great between us.
What he did to me in Texas though made me see things differently. I was starting to wonder if my love for him was clouding out all of the things that had changed in him over the years. I was starting to wonder if he really was the best thing for me and for Austy and most importantly I was starting to wonder if my life in LA would've been worth it and what I would've done if this had happened out there. I took a deep breath as I read through his message a final time, letting out a deep breath as I finally came to my decision. I felt the tears start to fall from my eyes for what I had hoped would be the last time as I finally responded to the text that he had sent me two weeks ago.
Hey Austin sorry it took me so long to answer, but I needed time to think about things and I have. I would love more than anything to say that I understand your standpoint and why you did what you did, but I don't Austin. I don't know why you couldn't respect me enough to give me a chance to explain, I don't know why you couldn't give our son five minutes of your time to even pretend that you cared he existed and no I don't know why you left me because if you loved me you wouldn't have done that.
I hit the send button, the tears flowing faster now as my vision became completely clouded out by my tears leaving me wondering how it was even possible for me to continue with what I wanted to say.
Maybe this was for the best Austin, maybe it was a sick foreshadowing of what our love would've been like if I moved out with you to LA. You've hurt me in ways that I can't even begin to explain Austin, but I let them slip because of how much I love you. I let you continue to come back into my life after every shitty thing you did to me because I thought this time it would be better, and for a while it was and then someone better always came along. I don't mind putting myself through that Austin, but now it's not just me to think about now it is our son too.
I hit send taking a final deep breath as I finished off my text to him, my thumbs shaking violently as I had to repeatedly erase and retype to get the words out in a coherent manner.
So Austin, as much as it kills me I think it is better if we stop talking. Not forever but at least for a while. I can't keep letting you do this to me if I am going to try to be a strong and great Mother for our son, I can't be broken every other week. I won't keep him from you Austin, and I will always tell him about you and let him watch everything that you are in. I will let him know what an amazingly driven man you are who fought so hard to live out his dreams. But I need time to fix myself Austin. I need time to heal and I can't do that if you are constantly building me up only to tear me back down. I love you Austin, I love you so much and it kills me to do this but I have to say goodbye, at least for now. So goodbye Austin Richard Post. Thank you for all the wonderful memories that I promise I will never forget and most importantly thank you for the best gift you have ever given me... our son. I love you.
I hit the send button, quickly tapping on the screen as I fumbled through the options, hovering my finger over the block button, clicking it quickly before I had too much time to think about it as I threw my phone across the room. I clutched tightly onto a pillow next to me as I started to sob knowing that even though it hurt today it was going to be the best decision for myself in the long run.
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Austin's POV
I was sitting out on my back patio, the sun just rising over the valley as I quietly strummed out a few chords on my guitar, no particular song in my head as I started to think about Charlie. It's been two weeks since I left her and I haven't heard a thing from her since. I had talked to my parents who said they check in on her everyday, her mental and emotional state not changing. They told me that her parents have had to watch Austy since their return because she can't bring herself to be around him without thinking about me and starting to cry.
I had thought what I decided to do was going to be the best thing, knowing that I was too angry to talk with her at the moment. But when I got home, she was all that I could think about. Her and our amazing son who I regret to this day not getting to know that night. Afterall he was innocent in all of this, what was really going on was between me and Charlie.
Talking to my Dad solidified that leaving was wrong. I could've taken the time that I needed to to gather my thoughts in my hotel room before I felt comfortable with her coming over. After everything I had done to her she at least deserved that. I would be lying if I said her absence wasn't killing me because it was. I knew she wasn't the type of person to have already moved on forgetting that I existed because shit, she waited for me for five years always allowing me to come back into her life whenever I saw fit.
I guess you could say that is how I thought this would be. I had thought she would just need a few days to gather her thoughts before she answered me. We could've talked about everything and after that we could've come to a decision and hopefully her and our son would've been on a plane to LA where we could finally start to be a family. But it was made evident that that wasn't the case.
I sat my guitar down, leaning it up on the table next to me as I grabbed a cigarette out of my pack, quickly lighting it as I lifted my phone off the table. I felt my heart start to race as I saw that I had three missed messages from Charlie. I quickly put my cigarette between my lips, taking a long drag before resting my phone in both hands. I leaned forward, my forearms resting on my thighs as I started to read her message.
What started out as a slightly annoyed text quickly turned into something that made me feel like my throat was closing, her words making it hard to breathe as I was starting to register what she was trying to tell me.
"No, this can't be happening" I said quietly to myself, my left hand coming up to brush across my frizzy hair as I finally approached the last message, my mouth becoming dry as I started to read her last few words aloud.
"I love you Austin, I love you so much and it kills me to do this but I have to say goodbye, at least for now. So goodbye Austin Richard Post. Thank you for all the wonderful memories that I promise I will never forget and most importantly thank you for the best gift you have ever given me... our son. I love you"
"Fuck no, please no don't let this be happening" I said as I quickly called her. Her phone didn't even ring as it went straight to her voicemail, a cold sweat breaking over me as I quickly realized that she blocked me. My heart felt like it was starting to crumble as I started to cry, my shaky voice leaving her a message even though I know she would never get it.
"Charlotte baby please don't do this please. I know what I did was wrong not just two weeks ago but since you left after that amazing weekend we had. Please baby girl, don't do this to us. I am so fucking sorry. Fuck. I don't think I can go on without you. I know what I want now Charlotte and I am so sorry that it took me so long to realize it but I need you. I fucking need you baby girl" I said crying sitting back down in the chair as I held my head in my left hand.
"I love you Charlotte, I always have loved you and it is always ever going to be you. I fucked up in so many ways and I knew that how I acted when you told me about our son wasn't right baby girl. But I'm ready now. Please don't stay away from me forever baby girl. I need you and I need our son and he needs both of us. Please Charlotte please." I paused allowing myself ample time to cry before I gathered myself just enough to finish off the message.
"I'll wait for you Charlotte. Fuck if you did it for me for five years I can do it for you. You're the only girl for me Charlotte and I'll do whatever it takes to get you back. I love you Charlotte Roman. This isn't goodbye, it's just see you later."
I ended the call, my heart still aching to the fact that I knew she wasn't going to get any of my messages until she decided that it was time that we talked again. It killed me to know that that decision was in her hands, but I needed to show her that she was the girl I wanted. I didn't care if I would have to send a message every day. I would find some way to get to her. She just needed this space, she was going to come back to me... I know it.
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A/N: Do you think she did the right thing by completely shutting him out of her life? Is he really going to wait for her? What do you think their future holds now?? As always thanks for reading and leaving your thoughts, I love reading them so much!!
~Update Schedule~
3-12-2021: I Know Your Scared of the Unknown
3-13-2021: What Happens In Vegas
3-14-2021: I'm No Good at Goodbges