Gwyn felt so pathetic...
She felt so tired...
Tired of it..
Nesta held her in the bed as Gwyn cried in her arms....and let it all out.
"It just gets so loud sometimes.." she heaved in Nesta's shoulders.
Nesta was brushing Gwyn's hair, soothing her the best she could.
"Let it out, Gwyn," Nesta kissed her forehead.
"Let It out...do not be scared to cry."
Gwyn paused for a moment, pulling away so she could gaze at her best friend.
"Does it get better?" Gwyn sniffed.
Nesta lowered her eyes, biting her lip in thought.
"How about we leave this room and I will tell you all about it?"
Gwyn almost declined it all, but Nesta was already standing.
And she held out her hand.
A hand just for Gwyn.
Gwyn's shaking fingers grasped Nesta's hand and she pulled herself up. Then Gwyn went to put on some comfortable clothing as Nesta waited in a gentle silence.
They made it to the stairs, but Gwyn's knees were going to give out. Nesta held a soft hand on her back as she guided them both down the steps.
Azriel was at the door in an instant, a look of pure panic in his eyes as he took in her shaking legs.
Gwyn was not ready to face him...
Not after she had completely humiliated herself.
Nesta sensed her nervousness and dismissed the Shadowsinger quickly.
Then the girls were walking out in the sun, moving along the edge of the bridge. Gwyn had yet to fully explore the city, but she was glad that it was Nesta beside her.
"You girls helped," Nesta started, referring back to Gwyn's question from earlier.
"Your friendship and your strength..."
Nesta paused to place Gwyn in front of her.
"It will get easier, Gwyn."
"Once you accept your past and realize that there is nothing that can be done to change it...Once you wake up one morning and realize that your past will never define you..."
Gwyn breathed out.
"And I love you Gwyn....I always will," Nesta pulled her to her chest.
"I am here...and I will always listen."
"But the road is yours Gwyn...you write your destiny, you choose what gets to hold you back," Nesta bent down to whisper.
"And you will climb that mountain every single time, you damn Valkyrie!"
The pair continued to walk through the lush greenery, taking several moments to enjoy the details.
"Cassian also helped," Nesta smiled gently.
"He helped me more than you can imagine... and once you wake up in your mate's arms and feel unconditional love, you will feel like you are almost there."
"But in the end...it was all me."
Gwyn paused at that, "Nesta, I fight and fight everyday... but I just cannot get the feeling off my skin."
Nesta breathed out, "Have you ever considered...having a physical relationship with another?"
Gwyn wanted to desperately tell her friend all about it...about how she had yearned for a sexual relationship...about how Azriel made her feel.
But not yet.
Gwyn was not ready for it...not yet.
"I have considered it," Gwyn surprised herself.
Nesta was as surprised, "The books must be working then."
And after days of sorrow and trauma...
Gwyn smiled.
****
The girls reached a cute little bookstore at the edge of the water. It was full of exciting coffee drinkers and artists.
The bell rang as they entered the shop, greeting them in a happy tune.
Then Nesta was pulling Gwyn to a section in the back , full of the restrictive smutty novels.
They had a laugh about it all...
The covers of ripped corsets and bearded pirates.
Nesta would hold the cover to her head and mimic the characters voices.
Then, Nesta began to pile her favourite collections in Gwyn's arm's, several of the books were falling in the process.
Nesta hurried Gwyn to the cash table. "Hurry before they get cleaned out...those are the best copies," she chuckled.
The girls were a laughing mess as the the shop owner began to ring them up...he was getting more horrified as he looked at the books they had chosen.
Just as he finished bagging them all, Gwyn's attention turned to one of the books on her left. It was a historical biography on the person who had invented whiskey.
"And this one also," Gwyn pointed to the shop keeper.
Nesta walked them back to the townhouse just as night had fallen. She stood in front of Gwyn at the entrance.
"Come to the house any time," Nesta hugged her gently.
"And really...enjoy those books..." Nesta whispered in a snicker.
She left shortly after, leaving Gwyn in the empty foyer.
She went to place her new books on the kitchen counter and noticed a full plate of food.
Gwyn felt Azriel pacing down the stairs in an instant, his wings tugged tightly behind him.
"I made you some dinner," he barely whispered.
"Did you leave some for yourself?"
"I...yes."
"Perfect, let's eat outside," was all Gwyn said as she went to go grab some pillows from the couch. Azriel was busy filling his plate and carrying hers in his other hand.
He followed her quietly outside, waiting in anticipation for what she was going to do.
Then Gwyn bent and made a mini fort for them on the garden floor.
She leaned her head to gaze up at Azriel and he was just staring at her with pure admiration.
He set the plates on the floor and went to sit on one of the pillows.
Azriel kept his distance as she joined them on the ground.
He gave her a perfect silence as she ate and enjoyed the night sky.
And when she was done, she finally turned fully to him. "I got you something."
Gwyn was on her feet in an instant before he could comment.
She arrived back to the fort and held out the book to him. He stared at it in confusion, but took it gently from Gwyn.
"Because you love whiskey so much...I thought you would like to know how it all started."
"You got me a gift?" he swallowed.
She nodded.
"A gift about whiskey?"
She nodded.
He lowered his head in shock as he stared at the novel.
"I.." he tried to speak.
"Thank you."
No one spoke for a minute.
"I want to thank you, Shadowsinger. For staying by my side these last few days. You are more than any man could ever be."
"Gwyn, you must know...I would do anything for you."
She smiled gently, reaching to hold his hand.
"I am still on my road to healing...and it may still be a long one. But I want you by my side on that road. I want you to hold me through the nights when I scream. I want your face to the be first thing I look upon as I wake..."
"I want to try...really try...with you," she started.
This time, it was Azriel who held her knuckles to his lips and kissed softly.
And in that moment, she truly felt...
Accepted.