Billie
i don't wanna do this
my chest heaves as i follow a nurse through a skinny hallway, in the clinique were currently at.
i look back at lola right behind me and it calms my nerves even in the littlest way. i know I'm just going in to talk... but i can't help but be the slightest bit of nervous.
i feel it inside
or that might just be hormonal... i dunno. i never know the difference anymore.
but I'm tired of talking...
about me, my reproductive, or anything that even involves it
I'm past over it.
"Okay... this part you actually have to do alone" the nurse turns to me and lola as we reach the office room and she eyes the smaller girl beside me.
which she then nods and puts her vision on me. her fingertips brush my hand and i exhale shakily.
i was getting ready to speak before she interrupted with a small reassuring smile.
"it's okay... I'll be right out there waiting for you, alright?" lola tells me,
i keep eye contact with her that was promoting
'i need you more though'
and she notices which makes her bite her lip and look down, but i just nodded and caught her hand
"okay" i say in a soft tone and only a half faked smile as she slips away from me and a frown takes upon my lips as she does so, but soon i jumped out of my somber when the nurse speaks up. and walks into her office with me.
she goes straight to her desk and I stood at the door for a moment hesitant before taking a seat in front of her. i sigh and look up at the diplomas sitting on the wall just above her before she speaks,
"so I know this is your first time having to deal with abortion options, and I know you're really young so I'm gonna try my best to make you feel as safe and pressureless as possible okay?" she explains with a kind smile as she observes the way I cross my leg and fold my arms in reflex discomfort.
but I can say, everyone's been so nice to me during all of this. probably much more than i deserve. i wonder if everyone gets treated like this... or if it's just because they feel pity for me, or the fact that im.. well... "billie eilish"
"okay," i say bluntly, just before my eyes widened a bit when she pulls out a clipboard. I should be used to all this calculating of every word that comes out of my fucking mouth. I mean i guess it is a given, I've been hiding what goes on behind closed doors in the past three years of my life to everyone i know.. what if they don't even trust me anymore?
snapped out of my thoughts once again, the nurse looks up at me with a reassuring look and smile on her face,
"now I'm just gonna ask you a few questions so i know you're not being forced into this and you honestly know everything that's going on.. i promise nothing you say here will be passed on or told to anyone. I just have to know that your secure, and if not, so i can help you"
she looks through me with a sincere look in her eye as we exchange contact across the table, i swallow a bit as i nod, she proceeds to read off the papers in front of her.
"and the questions might be a little personal, i have to ask you about your relationships and things because they could have an effect on your health.. and all you have to do is answer yes or no" she explains.
here we go
i know exactly what's coming next
and here's to another person i have to tell my "sad story" to, its always so embarrassing at first but I know she's only trying to help.
"did you get impregnated by your current partner or someone else?" she reads before looking at me, just as the redness in my face starts to show up and my eyes depart anywhere else in the room.
"someone else" i answer with a exhale after, immediately fidgeting with the sleeve of my hoodie.
"in the past year have they refused to wear a condom?" she asks.
"mm.. yeah"
"yes... okay" she repeats just before jotting it down. "have they ever... tried to get you pregnant when you didn't want to be? on purpose?"
"i- don't know.. maybe? most likely he didn't even care" i scoff and look to the floor as my lip curves with anger for a moment just before i save myself from causing an episode. the nurse watches my expression for a moment and takes it in before writing another thing down.
"have they ever threatened or frightened you?"
my eyes shoot up at her as soon as i hear her last word, i blink rapidly.
and i feel a burn in my chest. along with unpleasant thoughts.
"remember.. i just wanna make sure that your safe" she says in a soft tone and narrows her eyes at me, i take a breath in and out.
times up
just say it
i clear my throat before letting out a quiet "...yes" and i don't check to see her expression.
i just know what's running through her brain at this point, she nods and writes more.
"have they ever hit you, slapped you, or physically hurt you?" she asks in a more serious tone. i bounce my leg and shift my position.
"i don't-" i start to speak anxiously and she knows where I'm heading before interrupting me.
"it's okay" she nods at me with fond eyes and i look back at her before exhaling deeply.
"have they ever hit you, slapped you, or physically hurt you?" she repeats. i close my eyes.
"yes" i answer with a tremble in my voice.
she watches me and i place a hand over my forehead, nothing but silence throughout the room in the single moment.
"is someone hurting you?" she furrows her eyebrows as her eyes examine my slouched posture.
"was" i correct her.
she tilts her head and i shrug a little, looking at the ground again. my vision getting blurry.
don't cry don't cry don't cry
i brace myself but it wasn't really working
"it's okay" she says softly and I can see her eyes sadden. "just a few more questions is all"
i nod and look up at her again.
"have they ever made you have sex when you didn't want to?"
"yes" i answer quickly this time and a tear slips.
"yeah?" she asks faintly, her face spilled with concern. i nod and wipe my face as i sniff.
my nose reddened and so did my eyes, i looked back down at my hands.
i hate talking about this because all it does is bring up the unpleasant memories of brandon.. putting his hands on me and screaming the most degrading words to my face
it makes my heart hurt a little more everyday but i guess all i can do is stay strong
i didn't want to keep doing this over and over again. i didn't want people to see me as that girl
but it was already too late
everyone's gonna know someday so i might as well start spilling
"I got raped for the first time when i was sixteen," i say as if second nature and i wipe my teary eye, look at the wetness that's left on my one finger, and i hear the nurse put her clipboard down and she searches me.
i shake my head and just sigh.
"do you want to tell me about it?"
i lick my lips a bit before starting, i just wanted to get it over with so why not?
"I've been... drugged, hit.. choked, mentally abused, physically abused, set up, beaten... probably used in any way you could imagine... gang banged" i chuckle after my last words lead up by a faint whine as i cover my face and begin to break down in cries.
the nurse looks more upset and worried by the moment and she gets up to stand in front of her desk beyond me.
"I'm... so so sorry" she lets out in a shaky tone.
i remove my hands from my eyes to wipe my face. i feel so weak in times like this.
"it's okay" i say urgently and she hands me a tissue box which i take."thank you"
"absolutely"
i wipe my nose and close my eyes when i shake my head, she watches me with a soft sigh.
"it is just so hard to find people that.. don't wanna take advantage of me anymore" i speak, looking off and my heart pounds through my ears.
"of course, i know that already has to be so complex especially with so many people watching you at all times" she pants.
i furrow my eyebrows and look at her with a shocked expression.
"wait, you know who i am?"
"of course i do... my daughter loves you so much" she explains with a hand to her heart and i just cover my face a whine again
"oh god that makes this even worst.." i cry out.
"i won't tell her... anything. i mean I'm not allowed" she tells me, a look of promise on her face.
"good. this never happened" i say, exhaling.
why does every nurse's daughter love me?
geez
"so.. for the vacuum aspiration all you have to do is sign a few papers since your already eighteen, it's fully your decision, which means you won't have to have any parent signatures" she starts. "and since your eight weeks, it can be done surgically which is the most efficient method. but beforehand you'll have to have a D and C to numb and open up the cervix enough so the slender tube is able to make its way to the uterus, I promise it won't be too too painful within the few hours you'll have to hold with it before the actual abortion, there's medication i can give you to soothe the pain until the actual abortion, but the cervix just has to be widened enough to go through with the procedure."
once she's finished explaining I'm left with a blank expression on my face as i try and understand all the big words she just used that i have no idea in hell what means. not even in the slightest did i understand a word she just said.
it scared the fuck out of me
big time
"i- um... that seems like a lot" I say nervously as i give off worried energy to the nurse and she gives me a fond smile.
"i know, i know it does... but i swear you'll be just fine. I can even be in the room with you if you need support. you'll only have cramps similar to your period between before and after the abortion.. but you should be fine within the next two to three days if you rest and stay off your feet" she says.
i hate that i have to even think about any of this, so i already know officially following through with it is going to be a headache.
but it is what's best for me
and like she said.. i'll be okay. i always end up okay.
"alright... i think im ready" i tell her and she smiles at me before turning around and pulling out a few papers from a file which she gracefully hands to me with a pen and like that i start writing away.
as i read across the words i feel sickness deep down but i know ill get over it, I'm safe, and finally at a point where i feel like i can exclusively make decisions for myself. I'm constantly worrying about displeasing others but what about me?
i matter too
this is a big step but i'll be totally fine... right?
☆
all i wanted to do was get back to lola
so when the nurse opens up the office door and i can see lola look over at it almost immediately with big eyes, I shake the nurse's hand with an appreciative smile before walking over to the girl i love.
she stands up and meets me in the middle of the lobby, she looked as if she was ready to hear whatever it was i had to say.
"you okay?" she asks me straight forward, looking into my eyes.
i just grab her hand and look at her with a small smile and nod.
"mhm"
she looks up at me and her lips curve up into a smile also as we head for the door.
"are you gonna get an abortion?"
"yeah," i say effortlessly.
"are you sad about it?"
"i mean a little, more anxious of the process than anything but I'll be okay" i tell her with a nod.
we reach the car and stop in our tracks when lola faces me and puts her hand on my arm in a small affectionate way.
"Just look at the bright side of it... you'll be able to live out the rest of your youth without having to care for another human, and we'll keep having fun with each other.. and go on tour together and see the world just like you said, and hey, when we're old we'll then finally have kids and stuff together after we get married-" she cuts herself off and shoots me a look.
my eyes widen and they meet hers, my posture straightens against the trunk of my car and lola freezes.
we both look at each other and the moment felt like it had taken a complete pause.
"forget- i said that" lola closes her eyes and she cringes, which i find so cute. my cheeks turn red.
"you wanna.. marry me?" i ask her in a gentle tone, a pretty embarrassing daze smile takes over my lips and lola looks at her feet, she chuckles slightly.
"well i am in love with you," she says, leaning on the other car parked next to us, her eyes shoot up at me and her pretty eyelashes make my heart pound. "so... yeah"
she laughs.
"please, you probably think im- being stupid which i am..." she plays with her fingernails as she stutters on her words anxiously. i watch her with a smile that shows a few of my teeth in adoration for her.
"well.. i wanna marry you more" i say in a sarcastically confident way even though i was dead serious, i fold my arms and she looks up quickly and blushes badly before breaking out a laugh.
"shut up" she says behind her smile as she shakes her head.
"dude, I'm for real" I chuckle.
"...really?" she asks, moving a bit closer to me and i nod, giving her puppy-like eyes which makes her laugh again.
"that's so cool" she mumbles to herself excitedly
i stare at her and i can almost feel her get shy right there as she bites her finger a little just underneath a flushed smile.
"hey.. can i ask you something?" i ask after a bit of silence.
she drops her arms to her side and looks at me.
"oh god, wait, i didn't me like right now- i mean't later like- when were like late twenties, you know?"
"no, no I'm not asking you to mary me... yet" i laugh softly and she relaxes her shoulders again.
"I know this might sound kinda stupid... and you probably find me so gross right now because i literally threw up and then snotted on your shoulder in like the same three seconds"
she starts laughing uncontrollably.
"but... do you still get butterflies when you look at me?" i ask her genuinely as her laughing dials down and she just looks into my eyes.
"are you kidding? i still get nervous anytime you enter a room, hell, I'm even feeling like that right now" she smiles softly and i blush out of habit.
"really? still?" i say softer and she comes and grabs my hand.
"yeah" she smiles at it. "sometimes... I'm too scared to say or do certain things around you because you're just too perfect"
"I am so so not"
"well to me you are," she says pausing to look me in the eyes, her brown ones practically colliding with my blue ones and she's closer than ever.
"you don't have to feel that way... please, I'm no more perfect than you the fuck?" I say in a serious tone but she ends up laughing anyway. the type that gives her that adorable crinkle in her nose.
i can help but smile, her laugh is contagious and I love bringing it out at the worst times because it's even cuter.
"no.. your more pretty, and smart, and brave, and pretty and talented, and high strong than anyone i ever meet...and did i mention you're pretty?" she giggled.
i roll my eyes and throw my head back with a laugh.
"please.. just shh," i say before she meets me with her lips to mine, a kiss, and a good one too. I wasn't surprised to feel her have complete control over it. my lips, body, heart.
i closed my eyes right as she pulls away and she smiles proudly at the sensation she just caused. i bite my lip just a bit with a smile.
"how's that for butterflies?" she laughs and pokes me in the arm playfully and i rub it and get into her face.
"I need to take you home before your mom kills me, please get in the car," I say holding back a laugh as lola circles to the passenger's side with a dopey smile on her lips... and mischief in her eyes.
i blush when she isn't looking
god I just love her
☆
a few days later
Every day i wake up feeling sick to my stomach. i get out of bed and vomit probably first thing, then i feel disgusting and cry on the bathroom floor.
it was like a vicious cycle along with my hormones just making it worst by always controlling my emotions. my cramps are getting worst and i don't get why it's beginning to get hard to function physically without literally taking deep breaths in between like- everything.
it's hard to get around without feeling dizzy and my mom has been a saint helping me with these remedies but they just make me even more tired than i already am.
fuck
i don't understand.. the doctor said the baby is the size of a fucking strawberry...
how does it cause this much destruction!?
i don't want to go into ten weeks. i just won't make it. but the doctors keep pushing my appointment back because apparently "there are other patients they have to take care of"
or whatever that means
it's making me more anxious by the hour, I keep calling but there's always just someone that sweet talks me into relaxing and staying calm which only lasts a few moments before I threaten to take the shit out myself.
i mean it isn't... impossible.
currently, i was sitting at the kitchen table staring off at nothing just like my regular daily routine.
but i look down at a bowl my mom puts it down in front of me, it was filled with either oatmeal or cream of wheat.. i dunno i can't tell the difference but i push it away from me and my mom turns her head.
"baby, why aren't you eating?" my mom asks me from the island in the middle of the kitchen and i shrug.
"i don't want it" i say blantly and i rest my hand on my chin. she turns to face me and sighs.
"billie, you have to eat something," she tells me. "the only thing I've seen you consume is water in the last three days"
i look down at the bowl ahead of me and i feel churning inside almost immediately. i look back up at my mom who placed a hand on her hip.
"i just.. don't want to" i answer, looking away again.
"well you can't starve yourself" my mom exhales as she places a towel down on the counter and pulls out a chair in front of me. "baby... what's wrong? why won't you eat?'
i look at my mom in front of me and i hesitate to answer, biting my lip i look down at my hands.
"because.. I'm tired of throwing up. it doesn't feel good mom. makes me hate this situation and myself even more than anything. my body is crumbling" i say looking off.
"well.. i know it's painful for you, i fully understand that but you have to put some kind of food in your system. you just have to" she says trying to reason with me.
i understand where she coming from, but i just can't keep anything down... i'm too stressed to eat also. i don't want to i just don't.
i look at my mom waiting for an answer to come from my lips
but instead, i just shake my head and my eyebrows knitted together showing my fret, which makes my mom more concerned than before.
"how about this... you take just a few bite's and if you start feeling sick you can stop. i promise" my mom says sincerely and she watches the worry between me and that bowl flow throughout.
"..okay" i say after a small hesitation and i go to pick up the spoon. my mom gives me an encouraging smile just before she gets up from the table.
just after i put a spoonful in my mouth the sound of the front door can be heard from the living room.
oh god
finneas
i look at my mom with wide eyes and she puts a finger to her lip.
finneas promised he would come over today so he and i could write, but let's not forget, he has no clue that I'm pregnant with my crazy ex slash rapist's baby.
i thought the abortion would have been done and long gone by now. but of course, the waiting list had to be crowded when it comes to me. and of course, i had t be in my worst state physically when fin decided to show up.
I can barely sneeze without an explosion going on inside my body.
fuck!
finneas can't know I'm... pregnant
he just can't. he will freak out so bad and I'm not in the right space to have this talk.
oh god no
when he enters the kitchen my mom catches him with a hug and a peck to the cheek.
"hey, bil" he says with a bop and smile when he turns to see me sitting at the table with a frightened look on my face.
i don't know if it was the fetus or my nervousness, or maybe both combined, but when I open my mouth to say a simple "hi" I end up gaging and i abruptly put a hand over my mouth.
☽
Why what you said just a minute ago
Triggered feelings from before
From the time you don't remember
Well I forgot, but can't let go
☽
A/N: IM SO SORRY I DITCHED YOU FOR LIKE THREE CENTURIES i hope you can forgive me after reading this chapter lol i rly do love you but everything decide to happen in like the last month ofc im so so proud i got past this chapter bc i honestly had such bad writers block. but im BACK and we can finnally contiune hehe <3
i love youu
xoxo
- skye ♡