BLURB:
Dany has left the streets for good... at least for a day or two until a massacre at her apartment complex by a gang of "noble" dragons sends her good intentions, and life, spiraling back into the shadows.
When an old friend offers her a run to make some quick cash, she accepts, needing the distraction. But as they attempt the break in, the run is anything but quick; it's a bloodbath. It has good reason to be, because at its center is a chip with information that can change the genetics of the world. One that unravels the secret to the elusive dragons, and why, and how, they rose to power.
Everybody wants a piece of the chip for revenge, money, equality, peace--a choice that rest ultimately on Dany, and she has no idea what to do with it.
***
YOUR COVER: (6/10) I appreciate the mood the cover gives off, as it portrays your genre and story well. However, there's too much going on with the background. It's sorely distracting, which makes the title less obvious than it should be. You can keep it as it is, but I also suggest keeping your mind open to other cover possibilities that are more professional and less chaotic.
YOUR TITLE: (9/10) The title is interesting and unique! I can see a connection with it and your story. I'm not completely sure whether it fully represents your story the best it can, although it could also be because I've only read five chapters.
YOUR BLURB: (3/5) For the most part, I appreciate how your blurb is well-constructed and clearly thought out. It's on the lengthy side, and you could work more on tightening/shortening your sentences. Many readers who look at your blurb want to be hooked in as fast as possible, and if they aren't, they leave. Additionally, I noticed a grammar mistake. "Rest" should be conjugated to fit the context of your sentence, "rests," as it has a singular subject. Other than that, I have no other complaints.
YOUR HOOK: (4/5) Your hook was intriguing, and you included details that drew me into your character's mindset and setting, as well as setting the mood for your story. There were some punctuation choices that I would suggest changing, but I'll address that in your chapter reviews. Additionally, I didn't really notice the element of fear or nervousness, or the idea of possibly dying until later on in your hook. You should try to make your audience twitch with anxiety for your character from the first sentence. It would be the fastest way to fully hook them in, and they'd keep reading to learn what happens to Dany.
YOUR GRAMMAR: (7/10) You had some comma mistakes in your writing. Commas are used to separate different clauses. There are two types of clauses: Independent and dependent. They both have subjects (who/what is doing the action), and a predicate (the action being done). The difference between the two is that an independent clause can stand alone as its own sentence, while a dependent clause depends on another clause to make sense. If more than one clause is joined together, they should be separated with a comma. For example, this sentence, "I cried, then Billy ran away," there are two different independent clauses. One is "I cried," and the other is "Billy ran away." You'll notice that they're separated with a conjunction and a comma. You often misuse commas in this sense or forget to add them. Commas can also be used to separate an introductory phrase or word before the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause is "I went to work," and you'll notice that it has a subject "I" and a predicate "went." The word "today" is excluded, and needs to be separated with a comma. The correction is: "Today, I went to work."
You had some comma splices as well. A comma splice is joining two different independent clauses together, and separating them with a comma, but not a conjunction. An example of this is: "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two different independent clauses, "I went to work" and "I drove in my car." They both have predicates and subjects, and are separated with a comma. However, you must separate them with a conjunction as well. Without a conjunction, this turns into a comma splice. You have two options in this case. You can either replace the comma with a period and turn it into two different sentences, or add in a conjunction. In this case, the correction can be, "I went to work, and I drove in my car," or "I went to work. I drove in my car." You have many cases of comma splices in your writing, which I've pointed out for you. There were many that I haven't pointed out, so make sure to do that.
I also noticed that you incorrectly conjugated some words in sentences. There weren't many, but I still pointed out as much as I could for you. I suggest doing extensive research on this topic on your own.
YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (4/5) You had no typos, which I commend you on, but there were still some filler words that needed to be removed or added. I also noticed that you struggled with mass nouns, which are uncountable things. Some examples include smoke, water, and air. It would be weird to say "a water" because water can't be counted. This applies to the other examples I've provided in your chapter reviews.
YOUR PLOT: (18/20) Your world-building was excellent, and I was able to visualize everything from your protagonist's eyes. The pacing was steady and you have a strong concept going. You lacked in connecting situations with your character's emotional state, however. There were some times where I appreciated you having your character reflect upon what happened earlier, but you could expand on that. Point out these different reactions or emotions, and it shows the reader what kind of person your protagonist is. Overall, I appreciated how you organized each event/scene so it gradually leads up to the climax or the overall goal of your story.
YOUR CHARACTERS: (8/10) Just as I've mentioned earlier, I suggest turning your focus to the emotional aspect of your writing. Your chapters are packed with action, but try to emphasize on the emotional duress your characters must be under. Whether it be tension, anxiety, or horror, you want to exaggerate these so your readers can be swept off their feet. Other than that, I was able to connect with strongly developed characters, which made them more memorable and complex. Well done!
YOUR VOICE: (17/20) You have a distinct writing style here. I adore your use of diction and vocabulary, and paired with your writing voice, they really strengthened the reading experience for me. There were many times that I had to reread something because I forgot I was critiquing your story! The grammatical errors took away from the experience, but by cleaning those up, your writing voice will only get better from there. Make sure to remove excess filler words, scenes, or paragraphs, and try to stay focused on what's happening right then and there. There weren't a lot of wandering thoughts in your writing, but you could improve upon your clarity on each situation.
STORY FLOW: (4/5) Your story pacing was smooth and mostly consistent, which I, as a reader, appreciated. Of course, there's always room for improvement. This can include searching for new ways to transition into a new scene, as I've found you often use repetitive transition phrases or words. Look at the stories of your favorite authors and see how they transition in their writing. There are many ways to transition that you can incorporate in your writing.
So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to each individual chapter.
CHAPTER 1:
1. "This place was a hazard, bordered, blocked and cautioned off, in fear of toppling because of its soggy base." (p.1). I suggest replacing the first comma with a semicolon. Additionally, when writing a list, the next-to-last item should also be separated with a comma, along with the rest. This specific comma is known as the Oxford comma. Correction: "This place was a hazard; bordered, blocked, and cautioned off, in fear of toppling because of its soggy base."
2. "His black complexion drew in the shadows like a darkness beacon." (p.5). This sentence is slightly awkwardly structured. A suggestion (but not required) is to rephrase it as, "His black complexion drew in the shadows like a beacon of darkness."
3. "... she was an ant, rising a full five four in height." (p.10). I suggest including necessary filler words here, and a hyphen is also required. Correction: "... she was an ant, rising to a full five-four in height."
4. "Clive flinched a smile, moving in close..." (p.12). The word "flinch" is a verb, and it means to make a quick/sudden movement from nervousness or fear. You've misused the word in this sentence, for one cannot flinch a smile.
5. "... and the occasion rat droppings." (p.29). You incorrectly conjugated "occasion" in this sentence. It should be, "... and the occasional rat droppings."
6. "... waving at Uncle Freddy. Uncle Freddy waved back with a colorful bird on his arm." (p.35). Here, you already mentioned "Uncle Freddy," so there's no need to mention it twice. Instead, I suggest replacing his name with the pronoun "he." Suggestion: "... waving at Uncle Freddy. He waved back with a colorful bird on his arm."
7. "More bodies per capital, equaled more tax write offs." (p.36). The comma is unnecessary here. Correction: "More bodies per capital equaled more tax write offs."
8. "Artist covered the soot in a more decorative..." (p.36). You're referring to artists in general, so it needs to be plural with an apostrophe. Correction: "Artist's covered the soot in a more decorative..."
9. "Dany didn't need anymore bullet holes in her." (p.43). Here, "any more" should be two words. "Anymore" means to a further extent, and "any more" refers to quantities, which applies here.
CHAPTER 2:
1. "She needed her bathroom to vomit up this disgusting, slightly peach flavored, alcohol." (p.1). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "She needed her bathroom to vomit up this disgusting, slightly peach flavored alcohol."
2. In paragraph 2, one of your sentences with the format of a list needs another comma (remember the Oxford comma).
3. "The female shouted, voice high in pain." (p.12). Here, I suggest switching out "in" with "with."
4. "She swiped at Dany, tumbling her over the side of the roof by sheer force." (p.16). This is poorly structured. I suggest adding in necessary filler words. Correction/Suggestion: "She swiped at Dany, making her to tumble over the side of the roof by sheer force."
5. If you're labeling certain characters, such as "Dragon boy" and "Female dragon," they should be capitalized as Dany is using these titles to refer to them.
6. "'Get away from it,' a voice said as a teen entered the doorway." (p.20). By phrasing this sentence as such, it sounds like there are two people present other than Dany: The voice and the teen. I suggest avoiding confusing your audience like this. Suggestion: "'Get away from it,' a teen said, entering the doorway."
CHAPTER 3:
1. "Clive noticed the dried blood prints over the railing, hurried along its rusted surface in a rush to get higher onto the brick building." (p.1). You need a conjunction here, and the comma is unnecessary. Correction/Suggestion: "Clive noticed the dried blood prints over the railing and hurried along its rusted surface in a rush to get higher onto the brick building."
2. "... And I can't go back incase they're still there..." (p.13). The word "incase" means to cover in a case. I suspect you meant to use the words "in case," which should be two words.
3. "... with advertised ladies sporting the newest tech, in white, flowy dresses, smiling nonchalantly at the camera." (p.22). The comma is unnecessary here. Correction: "... with advertised ladies sporting the newest tech in white, flowy dresses, smiling nonchalantly at the camera."
4. "... before hopping it himself." (p.26). You're missing necessary filler words here. Correction: "... before hopping on it himself."
5. "Now go take a shower because I didn't want to say anything, but you stink." (p.26). You're missing several commas here for introductory words and separate clauses. Correction: "Now, go take a shower, because I didn't want to say anything, but you stink."
6. "Who know what runners were down their tonight." (p.27). You need to correctly conjugate a word here. Additionally, "their" is a possessive pronoun. The word you're searching for is "there." Correction: "Who knew what runners were down there tonight?" Additionally, this is technically a phrased question, so I suggest ending the sentence with a question mark.
CHAPTER 4:
1. "A team lounged in one of the circle hideouts around the edge, talking in a low whisper..." (p.3). Since a team technically consists of more than one person, I suggest pluralizing "whisper." Suggestion: "A team lounged in one of the circle hideouts around the edge, talking in low whispers..."
2. "Then she read it twice, frowning, as the meaning clicked in." (p.5). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "Then she read it twice, frowning as the meaning clicked in."
3. "But gang?" (p.17). You're missing a filler word here. Correction: "But a gang?"
4. "Just killed two of your problem right off the bat..." (p.26). Since there are two problems, "problem" should be in its plural form, as there's more than one. Correction: "Just killed two of your problems right off the bat..."
5. "Cool, person, who doubled as a bouncer when needed." (p.27). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "Cool person, who doubled as a bouncer when needed."
6. "'What she's havin'' he slurred..."" (p.29). You need to end the dialogue with some kind of punctuation. Correction: "'What she's havin,'' he slurred...""
7. "The crowd cleared right at ten minutes..." (p.34). I suggest wording this differently. Suggestion: "The crowd cleared right after ten minutes..."
8. "A minutes longer..." (p.35). Shouldn't it be "A minute later..."?
9. "'This is our objective.' They had one guard station, right here.'" (p.47). You have an extra dialogue mark here. Correction: "'This is our objective. They had one guard station, right here.'"
10. "The tv lit..." (p.61). "Tv" is an acronym for "Television" so it should be capitalized. Correction: "The TV lit..."
CHAPTER 5:
1. "Someone was watching the outskirts, for what she didn't know." (p.11). You need a comma here. Additionally, this is a comma splice. You can either replace the comma with a period or add in a necessary conjunction (although I recommend the former). Correction: "Someone was watching the outskirts. For what, she didn't know."
2. "Lot of violence." (p.17). Here, the word "lot" should be in its plural form. Correction: "Lots of violence." This suggestion applies to the next sentence as well.
3. "I probably would've ran too." (p.28). Here, "ran" is incorrectly conjugated within your sentence. This mistake is happening often, so I suggest thoroughly proof/reading editing your chapters. Correction: "I probably would've run too."
4. "Now show me what you found." (p.45). Since the word "now" is an introductory word, it is separate from the main clause which is "show me what you found." You know this is the clause because it has a subject and a predicate. Correction: "Now, show me what you found."
5. "A wispy smoke slithered from her set..." (p.47). Smoke is uncountable, so there shouldn't be the indefinite article "a" in front of it. Correction: "Wispy smoke slithered from her set..."
***
I enjoyed the turn the story was taking, and your writing style/capabilities only enhanced the experience for me. I was struggling to find miniscule mistakes to point out to you, so you did a wonderful job with proof/reading and editing! There were still some grammar errors, but other than that, there was nothing else for me to nitpick at!
TOTAL SCORE: 80/100
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Written on 02/26/2021