The corridors were empty as it was expected, not a single sound around the base could be heard, the deserted offices only left prepared for tomorrow's work transmitted a heavy aura of loneliness around the complex. The base's entrances sealed off while being slightly illuminated by a bunch of lamposts outside that were scattered across the main paths of the base such as the one to the dorms area made the abandoned look even more intense.
R1s eyes gazed around to confirm to herself the base was still in a deep slumber, the doll currently walking through the empty base with caution, a slight hint of paranoia taking over her, maybe that lingering fear of coming across someone still beating down her heart as she walked towards the dorms. But it was 3 am, not to say almost 4 am already, no one is gonna be awake at these hours, even R3 should be currently asleep.
R1s: ...
As R1s walked towards the dorms area she stopped in place for a second, taking a minute to look to her right as she turned her entire body around and stared at the little garden that was seen from here near the main entrance of the base, the gate as she expected closed securely in place.
The doll rubbed her hands as she stopped looking in that direction and started walking again, now her hands slowly making their way towards her wrists and rubbing them gently as well, her eyes were now fixated on herself, her looks made a mess and her arms bruised beyond simple bandaging.
Her mind's thoughts bounced around inside her dome, making her dreams and thoughts a messy folder of memories, but lately, she just could only think of a single thing that influenced her to avoid everyone even further, to an outsider it would look like she was a ghost, a mere escapee from a clinical center.
Her sights were pretty toned down compared to her usual self, even her entire aura lost that menacing and optimistic touch to it, not to say how languid she acted, you just had to look at how her jacket, even if badly put over her shoulders, didn't even waver with her walking, or how carelessly and slowly she reached out for the door to the dorms building.
R1s entered with dead eyes into the building and without looking around simply started to turn towards the staircase direction to get to her dorm already before someone finds her, however as she wanted to let her arm go limp her wrist was quickly grabbed by someone from behind startling her entirely as she stopped in place with wide eyes.
Nikolay: Gotcha
R1s: ...
R1s red eyes simply stared at the commander incredulous as the last person she ever expected to exchange stares with was Nikolay, at such hours he would be dreaming in his bed already, then what happened for him to be awake now? More importantly, how did he even know she would go to the dorms today.
R1s: ... What do you want...
Nikolay: You really are going to ask that?
R1s: ... I guess...
She weakly replied as her gaze slid downwards and her heterocorom eyes now stared at the floor avoiding a direct look with Nikolay again.
Nikolay: *Sigh* We need to talk R1s
R1s: ... I'm simply just gonna get back to my dorm now then...
She said trying to walk away as she turned around yet again freeing herself from his grasp, however, Nikolay made something resonate, was that the sound of keys clanging?
Nikolay: You ain't going nowhere R1s
He said simply resting his hands on his waist, R1s gave him a side look as she stopped walking, directly staring at where the sound came from, her look quickly taken by the sight of him having the master key on one of his hands, making her realize he closed her dorm.
Nikolay: Made sure of that
R1s: ...
R1s turned her entire body around and stared at the man she tried to avoid the most all this time, her mind screamed in panic as she didn't know what to even say or do but she knew that something like this would happen at some point, yet there wasn't a contingency plan for a scenario where she would be simply forced to have him head on.
Nikolay: Extend your arms
R1s: ...?
Nikolay: Extend your arms
He repeated, the doll however lowered her gaze and looked down at herself for a solid minute, her unkempt hair falling from behind her ear and disturbing her vision slightly. Upon raising her sight, however, she weakly raised her arms from the cover of her jacket and pockets and deviated her eyes to the right as she did, trying to avoid seeing Nikolay's face.
"Why did you do that?! Don't do that!"
She got hit in the heart yet again by herself, remembering the words of her previous commander as his disappointed face flashed by her eyes, her lips slightly apart from each other being enough to see how she slightly gritted her teeth in fear of being scolded again, disappointing yet another commander, and being a failure once more.
Nikolay: Hmm at least it's far less damage than I expected
R1s: ...?
"Aren't you mad?"
She wanted to ask as she gave Nikolay a side look, but she didn't want to waste breath, even walking and thinking exhausted her beyond normal, lashing out stupid questions filled with doubt that bounced around the stew of thoughts her mind currently was seemed more than pointless to her, futile. Her eyes however kept a close analysis of her commanders expressions, why wasn't he mad, he didn't even seem surprised, he simply was... Nikolay. R1s grew a bit of anger inside her as she couldn't decypher him, a bit more from not being able to understand her surroundings yet again, what was she doing wrong this time?
Nikolay stepped forward and gently took R1s by one of her hands the doll got startled yet again as she was forced to walk to the place he was going, and even if she didn't want to she would be dragged by him.
What is he even thinking of her right now? What's the point of him wasting valuable sleep and energy on her? What's the point of not lashing out at her immediately after seeing how much harm she's done to herself in the many attempts of liberating herself from a recently discovered burden.
Nikolay however kept walking silently, still guiding R1s seemingly back to the main building which didn't take long before they were inside it already. Walking around for a while still having her hand held by him they reached one of the elevators and waited for it to arrive as Nikolay let go of her and pressed the button to call it, now waiting patiently beside it.
The metal doors after some second opened wide with a ting sound as the elevator arrived, the commander then only gave a side look at R1s and made a quick movement with his head to indicate to her to get inside the elevator first.
The doll stared at the scene for a while before closing her eyes and inhaling a bit of air, her lips then separating slightly as she exhaled in a silent sigh, Nikolay simply waited for a while as the doll kept doubting what to do or better said what looked like if she was preparing herself mentally for something but either way it didn't take long for her to hop inside the elevator at which point Nikolay quickly followed behind and upon entering pressed the button to the second underground level.
R1s: ...
Nikolay: ...
Both of them were silent as the elevator made its way slowly down the complex, the bright yellow lights inside illuminating both their faces from the top, the two separated slightly as each one leaned slightly more towards one of the corners of the elevator. However, R1s had her back against the wall of the elevator, her head as well leaning against the same wall, from which position her eyes gaze glided on Nikolay's figure without any effort.
R1s: ... I w-- ...
Nikolay: ...?
R1s took her words back faster than a bullet, upon which attempt of trying to start a conversation Nikolay turned his head around slightly and looked at the doll behind him, but it wasn't to his surprise that when his eyes finally met her face the only thing he saw was how she stared at the right, away from his gaze, her eyes tilting down slightly as they stared at the elevators buttons.
Nikolay simply ignored this and walked out of the elevator as soon as the doors opened, waiting outside for her he took out another one of his keys from the pocket and as the doll came out of the elevator as well he directed her to a familiar place.
It was a matter of just minutes before both of them were inside Nikolay's personal workshop in which that stasis pod still kept shinning slightly with its LEDs awaiting to be used to repair dolls again.
R1s eyes quickly settled down on the pod, understanding at once why he took her here another surge of anger and confusion taking over her as her mind fiddled around thoughts confusing her further, just why?
Nikolay: Try and not to move
He simply said grabbing her again and instead of directing her to the pod sat her down on a chair near his more mechanical workbenches while he went back and searched for something in the pile of boxes nearby.
Nikolay: *Sigh* Been a while since I used one of these
He mumbled as he took with him a scalpel and looked back at R1s who looked back at him noticing quickly the medical utensil between his fingers.
Nikolay took out his phone as he approached her and sat down beside her as a new connection request popped out on R1s HUD.
Nikolay: Accept it
R1s didn't reply as she kept looking at the message in her HUD however in the end she accepted it, then after looking directly at the scalpel in Nikolay's hand.
Meanwhile, the commander was doing a quick check-up on R1s neural systems with his phone while trying to achieve his main task, deactivate some of her systems so she doesn't feel pain but to his surprise, just from opening the program everything inside R1s ticked in red and errors, no pain to feel, the electronic warfare system locked, and her energy conservation systems on low potency, most of which explained her almost exhausted like aura.
Nikolay: ... How can you even do all this to yourself...
He wondered as his fingers tapped around and pretended to do the task ahead to not startle R1s by letting her know he noticed all the apparent errors across various parts of her systems.
Nikolay: Let's see
He let out as he turned off his phone and put it away on top of one of the workbenches nearby now focusing himself on her arms, firstly, gently grabbing her right arm and analyzing it, his eyes jumping across all the injuries she had rubbing and touching some of the more present ones by the naked eye to see if they were beyond repair and as he found them carefully removing that part of her skin with the scalpel's sharp blade.
Nikolay: At least most of them are superficial we just need to kick some more power into your systems and they will heal by themselves
He said to her as his hand carefully directed the scalpel that cut through her skin around one of the wounds and simply got rid of it by removing the bruise directly.
R1s: ... Why?
Nikolay: Why?
R1s: ... Why haven't you scolded me?...
She said looking down at the floor now her gaze avoiding direct contact with him yet again, that question, though finally giving a bit more info to him on why was she avoiding contact with everyone and more specifically with him, which made him a bit wary of the situation. She was in a delicate state right now and he couldn't talk with her freely, not at least until he finishes repairing some of the damage she caused on herself and moreover all the damage that was hidden from him long before she started acting strange. It was like walking in a minefield, he needed time to simply dig out the danger but if he missed he would get blown up with everything.
Nikolay: Hm that's a good question
He simply replied as he carefully removed the synthetic slice of skin from her arm getting rid of yet another wound finishing with the right arm entirely and looking at her directly now as he decided to give a bit of a breath to her before starting with the left one.
Nikolay: Why do you think?
R1s: ...
Upon the silence as her response, Nikolay decided to take her left arm now and did the same process as before carefully analyzing the wounds, bruises, and cracks in her skin and removing those that wouldn't be able to heal properly by themselves.
R1s: ... I... I, I don't know...
Nikolay: Hm... A shame I don't know either was hoping you could answer me that doubt
R1s: ...
Nikolay: I'm almost finished with this arm as well go lay on the pod for a bit after I finish while I go get some new skin for those parts yeah?
R1s: ... *mumbling* Alright
Time passed by quickly after Nikolay worked against the clock in patching up R1s without her resisting it, not to mention he used the opportunity of her being connected to the pod to copy her memories as he did with all her sisters, all this camouflaged by him simply keeping her attention on him while he also kept her there for longer by adjusting much slowly those new patches of her skin into her outer arm frame.
Nikolay: This one should be the last one
He said while taking her arms and inspecting them again to do the last check-up before releasing her from the pod. R1s however simply hummed this time, her eyes still quite lost and her overall aura and appearance still displaying that lassitude and anxiety.
Nikolay: Hm...
Nikolay stared at her for a while a bit concerned but quickly dismissed this as he got up and walked to his computer disconnecting the pod and putting it on a slumber as most of the rest of the machinery around the workshop, sitting down on his chair he quickly went ahead to revise that R1s memories had transferred correctly.
R1s meanwhile sat down on the pod and looked aimlessly in front of herself for a while, her hair still a bit of a mess as her unkempt locks got in the way of her eyes slightly and just overall looked damaged.
Nikolay: So I heard from some you've been thinking quite a lot lately
He started off as he got up and walked to a shelve from which he took a small medkit, R1s eyes swiftly shifted towards his general direction as the words Nikolay directed at her reached her ears, her mind tried to focus as at this instant she started to experience her hallucinations once more, making her grit her teeth in response of this event.
Nikolay: Anything bothering your mind?
He calmly said as he returned and sat down beside her putting the medkit on his lap and opening it, getting out some bandages to cover up her injures. R1s didn't mutter anything as she let her hand get grabbed by him and gently pulled to him to make it easier to bandage her up.
Nikolay didn't receive an answer anytime soon but he simply kept quiet knowing full well she heard him, R1s meanwhile now looked at the floor noticing how any crack or little opening there was around started to be stained red.
R1s: ... Just... A few...
She whispered with a weak tone of voice as she kept staring at the floor, the blood quickly gushing out trying to reach her however the single lines only achieved to reach the pod and started pilling around in puddles that attempted to flood the room's floor, R1s didn't freak out with it anymore, she understood not so long ago that this blood simply followed her around trying to stain her, it wouldn't do anything to her so there wasn't a point in running from it.
Nikolay: Hm... I guess you still wondering if your decision making from before is the correct one huh? You really sounded doubtful back then when speaking with me
R1s: ...What?
R1s turned her head slightly towards Nikolay and her eyes glued onto him, he kept on patching her up however still with that usual face, that usual aura, that usual tone.
Nikolay: I was hearing everything while I was in the coma
He simply replied as he finished dressing R1s arm and taking out another bandage from the medkit to do the same with her other arm and hand.
Nikolay: I simply couldn't reply to you at that moment, now I can however
He finished responding as he started patching up her other arm after pulling it gently closer to him.
R1s eyes were wide open from the response, she always thought she was talking alone when she came to his medical room some nights. This information however quickly surged a lot of feelings, it could be noticed from miles away that Nikolay got her full attention and energy now.
R1s: ...
R1s now wanted to doubt the veracity of his words, was what he said even possible? However, she decided to simply accept that fact may it be true or not, and now looked back at the floor, noticing how her systems did what they usually do when she is about to snap out of a hallucination, glitch her view and distort every sound around her.
She stayed silent and unmoving for a good bunch of minutes again, so much so that Nikolay even finished dressing her arms at which point he decided to get a bit closer to her and with a small cotton disk soaked in alcohol started cleaning her face.
R1s: So what are your responses...
She said suddenly making Nikolay stop on his tracks completely frozen as he was cleaning her cheek, R1s eyes gaze now completely glued onto him yet again as she awaited an answer.
Nikolay hummed as he finished silently cleaning her cheek and sat back down leaving her be now, he couldn't do much more without her permission now, especially about those internal errors in her system.
Nikolay: I would have told them already if I remembered half the things you said back there right now
He said calmly as he closed the medkit and put it on the table nearby, for now, storing the used up cotton disk inside the pocket of his trenchcoat where he put the plastic of the bandages as well to later throw them away when he finds a trashcan.
R1s: *Sigh* Guess I will never know... Not like I made up my mind already...
She muttered quite softly so much so that the last part wasn't even heard, Nikolay hummed and now thought about how to get her to accept a total check-up from the core to cognitive system included.
Nikolay: Mind if we go somewhere else to talk I think some fresh air wouldn't do bad for the two of us
R1s: Hm... Can't I simply go now?...
Nikolay: You don't want to talk? I got quite a lot of free time right now unlike other days
He replied making R1s go silent, she quickly looked at the clock in her HUD and stared back at him, it was 3:57 am right now, he was basically giving her a last chance right now to decide if she wanted help or not.
Her mind quickly went back and forth as she thought about it, was there really a point in not talking it with him now? Trying to avoid him and the matter of integrity was seeming pointless at this point, furthermore, she already made quite a lot of her choices up to an irreversible point.
R1s: ... Guide the way I guess...
She replied getting up, Nikolay slightly nodded with a hum, and getting up as well he stored his hands in the pockets of his trenchcoat starting to walk out of the workshop followed close by R1s, tailing him from behind.
·····
Nikolay: Hmm...
Nikolay looked at the night sky above them, the stars were starting to get covered yet again by clouds, soon it would rain again it seemed. He had his arms crossed as he did, his fingers lightly tapping on his elbow as he wanted to concentrate and think what to do now if only he could have a smoke to ease his mind, but he had to resist the urge, he knew full well that R1s didn't like the smell of a cigarette, he remembered and always kept in mind that information.
R1s: You seem stressed...
Nikolay: Hm? Heh... It's just been a while since I smoked I guess, makes some of my inner self be a bit on edge
R1s: Then go ahead and smoke if you need it so much...
Replied R1s simply baffled by his response, he needed it then just why didn't he already do it?
Nikolay: But I remember you don't like the smoke of a cigarette nor the smell, why would I bother you when I'm here for you right now, not for me
R1s was frozen again, why?! Why would he remember that, why would he treat her nicely when all she has been doing was causing trouble, why would, simply why was he acting like himself. It wasn't fair.
R1s gritted her teeth yet again at his response, Nikolay noticed how she tensed up, all her aura tensed up.
R1s: ...Why
Nikolay: ...?
R1s: Why are you like this?...
She let out of nowhere as tears flowed out of her eyes, traveling rapidly down her cheeks and pilling below her chin, her red eyes gaze settled on the floor as she caught glimpses of her bandaged hands, bandaged and treated by him.
Nikolay: Now that's a good question to start off
R1s: Don't act smart now! Just simply answer me! Why?!
She said snapping out and turning around entirely to face him, she didn't mind showing her desolated face anymore, nor her mistreated body, nor her beaten up emotions, she just wanted answers, simple statements that could clear the haze around her, around her emotions and heart, clear her mind and put her back on the right course, a genuine path to follow.
Nikolay: ... How am I supposed to answer that?
He replied back at her with a small smile on his face, was he mocking her? No, he never mocked her, he never did, and he will never do it, he wanted her to be more concise, more specific, to not just act out of anger, out of confusion.
R1s: Why are you like this, why do you treat me like you do? So nicely, without questioning, without spite, without remorse, so transparently, you never get angry at me, nor never get happy about me, you never do anything, you, you are simply the commander around me, why?!
Nikolay looked at her for a while, silent as he let the rest of the question settle in, his face was still as always, the same aura, same expression decorated by a smile. However, that didn't last long as he went with the same somewhat stoic expression R1s usually has which startled her a bit.
Nikolay: Maybe because R1s, you actually have the spirit to change, you got the motivation to try and change, you want to change, to be yourself not someone else, maybe that's why I act so transparent with you, my sugar-coated personality, or my more rough and strict personality, what good would they do to you, someone who carves transparency even if she doesn't know whats that
R1s: It isn't fair... It just isn't fair, It just isn't! I told you to stop acting smart and yet... yet *Sob*
R1s tried to contain some of her tears, she was angry, angry at the fact that Nikolay stopped acting smart and simply was being smart now, no acting, no lies, no black or gray, simple white. She hated this, despised it, it was unfair, it just was, she could comprehend her, but she? She didn't understand anything, what was being smart even at this point? She just wanted to yell and cry now. She just stopped denying that she was hurt deeply, nothing mattered at this point, nothing, nor her status nor her sister, nor the world or her mind, and neither did her feelings or thoughts. She just wanted to be empty, let everything flow out, cry and scream, laugh and yell over something, but she simply couldn't, why couldn't she?
Nikolay: Yet what...? Yet I'm still being smart ain't I? But really who's smart here, me for knowing your struggles or you for knowing how to avoid me and them?
He said in a gentle voice which reached her ears and stabbed at her heart again, again, there he goes, another time, another cut to her soul, yet she couldn't scream over the searing caused by the stab, she couldn't comprehend what he was talking about, what emotion? What struggles?
Nikolay: Look R1s no one is smart enough, no one ever is, and no one is ever true nor false with its actions you just have to accept the world is the color you want it to be
R1s gritted her teeth as she stared at him, still crying, still unsure about everything, but suddenly she felt a surge of confidence that was transmitted and carried with anger to her lips and out of her mind by her voice.
R1s: No!
She yelled out, her hand swiftly reaching for her skirt and roughly pulling off her 2nd class Iron cross, something no one just got for doing nothing, a symbol of great status and sacrifice that people admired and desired. And in her hands, it simply was held tightly without any care, without any respect, and thrown, tossed without any care from the roof top's edge, swooping past the perimeter walls into the grassy plains, now lost, probably forever.
R1s: Know what? What struggles Nikolay? I don't need gray or black or white! I don't need it, I don't like it, I don't want these choices! I don't need all these, all this... *Sob*
R1s tried to continue but she bit her lip, not knowing how to, what did she want to say? Everything went... Blank, her mouth simply dried, she didn't know how to express herself now, again everything worked against her, how could this not be unfair? How was she supposed to try and seek help when she didn't even know where to start, where to end it, how to say it, was simplicity enough really? And even if it was, what were the right words, the right tone.
Nikolay: You say all that and yet what you just did proves a whole different thing
He replied staring at her still, not having broken eye contact with her at all, resting his hand on his waist now he inhaled a bit of fresh air and sighed, letting it all out.
Nikolay: Look, I may be really wrong here, which usually happens, I'm human after all, like everyone else we commit errors, and so do you, but you just went ahead and got back to denying without even realizing, you actually do care about the color of the world, why would you throw the most valuable possession you got like that if you didn't care, if you didn't care you would of hold on to it, lamenting about it all not going the way you wanted while pondering over that medal that proved you were something else, something out of the normal paste, but you don't want that, you try and stay low when you are sad, try to be humble and concise so you don't need to talk more and mess things up, and even when overconfident there is some pain and remorse dragged by your tone of voice
R1s: ...
Nikolay: Yeah, I sound really stupid now don't I compared to before? But still... You know, I can comprehend you because I've seen you from a more close up perspective, through your sister's memories, you try to act, to act even if you don't want to and then lament it, but still, you defy yourself and try to make the best decision you can do with that act so you got a platform from where to jump from, hoping that luck simply strikes and you land on the right tile, I'm just gonna say R1s, there is no need in trying to change something you can't change, trying to keep bashing your head against the wall that actually doesn't work as we would like to think, you need to accept that you are black, not gray, that you need help, not more time, that you need someone to intervene, something to guide your actions until you stand up by yourself
Even if it all sounded wrong to her, Nikolay's words made a sentiment breakthrough, something she did understand out of all that barter between them, a feeling that she could actually transmit into words.
R1s: ... Can I stop being stubborn then..?
Nikolay: Order guaranteed
R1s: ... Can I yell and scream..?
Nikolay: Order guaranteed
R1s: ... Can I do wrong..?
Nikolay: Order guaranteed...
He replied still with that gentle tone, R1s HUD promptly updated one of its displayed messages as she felt her systems being relieved from a great burden that tried to contain her always.
"Previous commands lifted, free will has been guaranteed to the manager"
R1s let herself fall, now sitting on the ground, on her knees, with her body limp but relaxed finally, her tears starting to pour out even more as if she contained the real deal before, all flowing down quickly and rapidly from her eyes, her lips agape as she now let out a scream filled with pain, with sorrow, something she wanted to do for a long time, then was being followed by her murmurs and mumbles, saying I'm sorry at all times in german, saying sorry to her sisters and simply chanting the word to let her soul be at ease, let it mourn and express itself once and for all.
[End of Act III: Polaroid Memories]
Total word count: 91,017 words
Author's note: Heya guys, been a long while, a really long while, two months actually, sorry about that.
Anyway, we reached the end of act 3, act 4 is ahead of us, but that's off the matter for now, but before I go two things I need to say.
Firstly as you all know I usually take a break from writing after tackling down an act to correct things and all that, this time I will take an undefined break as I want to revise act 1 and re-do it a bit as well as go around all chapters again and correct some mistakes I have noticed, so yeah sorry about that. Second of all, I want to ask something, and I would appreciate it if you give me your thoughts on this, you all feel like the level of violence is alright? Should I tone it down a bit or up it a bit? But anyway, that's all for now guys thank you for reading guys, and stay safe out there!