I feel like this song fits well with what happens in this chapter between Spencer and Amanda!
TW: Drug use
Hotch made Amanda wait out the entire week for her recovery despite her being cleared for work after five days and then she got to go back to work the same as Reid. The only problem was that something was off about Reid. It made sense at first because he claimed that his distant behavior was due to his experience. He had never been kidnapped or tortured before and now he knew how the victims felt. Everyone tried to help him get through it but the behavior got worse. Eventually, they got a case in Houston, which was when things took a turn for the worse.
It began as it had for a couple of weeks, with Reid coming in late, but no one said anything. They all knew why they were ignoring it. If they noticed, they'd have to report it to their supervisor and then Hotch would be forced to tell Strauss, who already disliked the unit and would fire Spencer on the spot. So they kept their mouths shut. Each one of them begged to say something, however, and itched to keep an eye on him, hoping that if they couldn't say something, maybe they could distract him from the drug use and he'd realize that he doesn't need it.
This is when things got bad. Emily offered to help with the Geo-profile and Reid got snippy so Hotch forced him to work with her. Then he got irritated over the construction noise so Hotch assigned him to go canvas homeless shelters with Prentiss and Amanda. He agreed, not wanting to push it, and they all headed to the homeless shelter. While there Reid just completely scared one of the heads of the homeless shelter by implying that there was a very good chance the homeless man was in the shelter at that moment without any proof that he even stayed in shelters.
Emily and Amanda did their best to calm her nerves before going after Spencer and Emily decided that enough was enough so she called him out on his behavior. This prompted him to get defensive and say that she hadn't known him very long and therefore doesn't know him before walking off so Amanda told her to head to the car and she'd talk to him. Emily agreed and Amanda rushed after him and pulled him to the side of the alley.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
"You heard what she was saying. Nothing is wrong with me."
"Yes, Spencer, there is. I'm not stupid. I've seen a lot of people on drugs and that's exactly how you're acting. Irritated, erratic, and unfocused. You're one of the least confrontational people I know, Spence, and now it's like your ready to fight everyone that looks in your direction. The week we spent recovering, the week I spent getting clean, you spent getting high didn't you?" He says nothing. "Spence it's okay. I can help you. We don't have to tell anyone. You can just say you're sick. My friend runs a rehab center in Virginia, he just moved it here from Texas. I can work there with you. I can help you get better."
Spencer wanted to say yes, to accept her help because he didn't want to be on drugs, but then the irrational part took over. Who is she to say he needs help? She is more damaged than he will ever be. So he says the words he will come to regret more than anything for years to come. "You can help me? You can't even help yourself, Amanda. You're so afraid that no one can love you that you use and hurt everyone around you before they get the chance to do it to you.
"Then you choose people that will hurt you, people that can never truly choose you because they know that you aren't worth loving, and you fall for them. You couldn't help Evan because you weren't enough for him, he probably OD to get away from you, so what the hell makes you think that you'll be enough for me?" The second the words leave his mouth there's a small pause.
Like time had completely stopped and both parties were frozen and for the first time, Spencer believed that maybe things would've been better if he had died in that cabin. Then, the next moment he was on his ass with a stinging pain near his left eye. It takes him a moment to register what had happened. She had punched him, hard. The more time he gave it to register, the more it hurt, and the more he believed that he deserved it.
After that, she told him that she was stupid for thinking that they could be friends. For falling for his stupid promises again. She had said that there was no fool me three times and she wasn't going to give him the chance to fool her ever again. That if he wanted to kill himself that was his problem and she wasn't going to let it be hers. She said that she should've let him go into the cornfield alone and stuck with JJ and then told him to enjoy walking back to the precinct before walking away.
Emily had asked about Reid and Amanda said he would meet them at the station. When he walked in with a black eye, she said nothing. Hotch asked him about it but he lied, avoiding eye contact with Amanda for the rest of the case. He had tried to talk to her, attempt to apologize, but she spent all the time on the jet with headphones in doing her paperwork. All time at the office was spent talking to Emily next to her or at Morgan's desk. They worked two more cases and she never let Spencer near her.
He kept replaying the incident in his head over and over again. Every time it replayed in his head, it brought forth another memory that he had to shove down. He kept replaying what she had said to him. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. There is no fool me three times. Did she mean it? Was his primary thought at most times. It got harder to fight taking the drugs. Now he wasn't doing it to escape his trauma he was doing it to escape the mess he had made. One he feared he would never get out of.
His behavior changed again. He was no longer confrontational, he just withdrew more and more. The team grew more worried and Amanda pretended nothing was happening. Losing Evan had broken her because she let herself get attached, let herself believe that it was her fault it happened. She wouldn't make that same mistake again. Not with Reid. He didn't want her help so she sure as hell wasn't going to make the mistake of believing that whatever came of him was her fault.
The more Amanda pulled away from Spencer, the more Spencer pulled away from the team, from his life. He tried to make his behavior appear as though it was getting better, but Amanda had trained herself to know when someone was on drugs with the tiniest indicators. That was why at halfway through the day at work, he couldn't take it anymore, he needed his fix. So he snuck away to the bathroom.
As soon as he entered the restroom, he checked to ensure that all the stalls were empty before locking the main door. Then he reached into his satchel and pulled out the two small vials of Dilaudid. One of them is practically empty at this point but he tries not to think about that as he pulls a needle out as well. He fills the needle up, just a little more than last time but not enough to make him OD, he calculated it well. He knew when he had to stop.
Just like always, the high comes instantly but unlike the other times, this hallucination isn't exactly a joyful memory. In fact, it was a memory he had hoped never to live again. One experience that he had wanted to take back from the minute he lived it.
~8years ago~
Amanda Hotchner had just gotten the news of her dreams. Harrison Sharp had called her with the news that he was officially promoted to Assistant Director of the FBI and had convinced the director to allow a 17-year-old to join the FBI after explaining her achievements and presenting the previous case she had worked. After some negotiation and complaining from Amanda, Harrison had garnered Spencer a spot as well.
That was why she went to his dorm room that day. She knew that Spencer had dreams of curing Schizophrenia but she also knew that there was no cure. That he would realize what she already had and then he would have a choice to face. Either destroy himself looking for something that he'll never find, or give up and help his mother the best he can while doing something else, something that he loves and she believed that he would love profiling.
After all, she believed that he loved her and she loved profiling. They were practically the same person just with slightly different personalities due to their different upbringings. "Vegas," she says as soon as she knocks.
He looks up at her with a smile. "Hey, Amy. What are you doing here?"
"I had some news. Good news that I really want to share with you, but I have to tell you something first." Spencer looks up and it's safe to say that he was shocked to see the nervousness in Amanda's body language. Amanda was many things but nervous wasn't a common one. Even when she was nervous, she had this ability to keep her face completely emotionless. So she never showed her nervousness which made Spencer wonder why she was now.
"Amanda, is everything okay? What is it?"
"Um, I'm not really sure if I'm okay," she whispers.
"Amanda-"
"I'm in love with you," she cuts him off before breathing out the breath she had been holding. He looks at her in shock. "I know that you're probably thinking that I'm lying or that I'm crazy because I'm not exactly Virgin Mary and I don't exactly hide that from you but it's true, Vegas. I love you and I have since we were thirteen.
"I love the way you're so...you. How no matter how other people treat you, you don't change. You stay true to yourself. I love how happy you get when you read an interesting fact and wait until you see me just so you can tell me. I love everything about you, Spencer Walter Reid, and I've wanted to tell you so badly, but I was scared."
He's silent. It's almost like he can't comprehend what she said and she frowns. "Say something, Spencer, please," she begs and before he can stop himself, his fear takes over and his brain comes up with the best way to protect himself.
"I'm sorry, Amanda, I can't." She frowns, realizing that she was wrong, he doesn't feel the same way. "I think you should go."
"Spencer, it's okay. You don't have to feel the same way. We can still be friends," she tells him but he just shakes his head.
"Except we weren't friends, Amanda."
"What are you talking about," she asks, fear seeping into her veins.
"You were pretty and popular from the moment I met you. I've been bullied my entire life and I knew that if people believed I was friends with you, no one would go after me. I'm sorry. You should really go."
"Are you really going to sit there and tell me it was all a lie?" She scoffs. "No. I don't believe you." He says nothing and when he finally looks up, she can see the sadness and regret in his eyes and, for the first time, she believes him. It all comes crashing down on her. Everything that had ever happened between them was all a lie, and that when he sees it.
That look is the one thing Spencer would never be able to forget. It was the very look that pushed him to get into the FBI early. The one that led to him joining the BAU when Gideon recruited him, the one that made him do everything in his power to see her again. Pure heartbreak is what he sees as he looks at her and it makes the sadness and regret he's feeling increase because he knows that he's lying.
He knows that the only reason these words are coming from him is because he doesn't believe that someone like her could ever really love him, but the look in her eyes proves him wrong. She does love him because you can't get your heart broken by someone you don't really love. However, before he gets the chance to correct his mistake, she just shakes her head and says, "I really thought you were different from everyone else, Spencer. I guess I really am a dumb blonde." And then she's gone. Gone from school, gone from California, gone from his life, but never from his memory.
Just like that, Spencer is brought back to the present. Back to his place slumped against the door of the FBI's men's bathroom. This is when it hits him. Why every time he thinks about what he said to Amanda in Houston brings up the memory of when he drove her away the first time. He always thought it was because of what she had said. That was the first time he had supposedly fooled her but after finally letting the memory in, he finds the real reason, the true reason.
The two instances were forever burned and intertwined in his brain together for one simple reason. The look on Amanda's face when she registered what had happened. When Spencer watched her heart shatter at his words all those years ago, the look of heartbreak he watched seep onto her face before she closed her face off in anger was the very same look she gave Spencer in Houston. He had broken her heart for a second time and he knew it. This whole time, his subconscious knew the truth, it was why the memory kept trying to surface, to let his conscious mind know as well.
And as Spencer Reid gets a message from JJ saying to meet in the conference room, he realizes that he truly had lost Amanda forever and no matter how many drugs he took, that was never going to change. He had lost the one woman he had ever loved, the one woman he probably ever would love twice. Once out of fear that he would get hurt and now for some stupid drug he hated himself for taking in the first place. As he left the bathroom, the only thought crossing his mind was how big of an idiot he was and whether the team would be better off if he just left.