The Story of Us

Chapter 36- Long Talks & Bad Memories

TW: Panic Attack, Mention of OD, Mention of Death

The two of them just sit there for a moment, staring at one another as they wait for the other to speak before Spencer clears his throat. "I'm sorry about how I treated you on your birthday," he tells her and she frowns, not sure if he means the sex or what he said and the realization seems to hit him as he begins to stumble over his words to correct himself. "What I-I, umm, what I said, not the other thing," he mumbles.

"You said that on the jet," she points out and he sighs.

"I know and for whatever reason when it comes to you, it always seems like I'm apologizing because when it comes to you, I become an even bigger idiot," he begins. "I love you, Amanda Hotchner. I have since the minute you bumped into me at Caltech when we were 12. I love everything about you from the way you talk and how you can make the most mundane things seem like an adventure to the way you listen so intently to whatever anyone tells you, even if it's me telling you facts and statistics that you already know. I love how much you care about the people around you even when you're pissed or hate them. I love that even after you refused to go to your dad's funeral you cried the day you found out he died because no matter how much he hurt you both emotionally and physically, you still found it in your heart to love him.

"I love that you entered beauty pageants because they made your mom happy and tried your hardest to win because you're so competitive. I love that even though you were captain of the volleyball and cheerleading teams, despite being the youngest on the team every year and being elected head of your sorority house you still doubt that you have the ability to lead. I love how forgiving you are and how brilliant and funny you are. There isn't a thing about you that I can think of that I don't absolutely adore and I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to tell you this. I'm sorry that when you told me how you felt when we were 17 years old that I panicked. I'm sorry that I said that we weren't friends and that I was using you. I'm sorry I lied and said that I didn't love you back when I did.

"I'm sorry that every time you make any effort with me I act like a dick because I'm scared of my heart getting broken again when it was me who broke it in the first place. I'm sorry that I'm not the person that you deserve to love. I'm sorry that I'm an idiot and a drug addict and annoying and so many other things that if the world was fair I wouldn't be so that I could actually deserve you. But more than anything, I'm sorry for everything I have ever done to hurt you and I understand if you don't feel the same. You told me in Vegas that you didn't and I understand if that still stands. If what happened in Texas was a fluke because it was your birthday or because being in Texas reminded you of Evan and I was there because I know that you deserve better than me and I just want you to be happy."

After Spencer's speech, Amanda just stares at him, processing everything he had said. He had apologized a lot but he had also confessed his love to her. This was everything that she had ever wanted from but she didn't know how to handle it. Of course, she loved him but that's the very thing that had gotten her heart broken twice. Even if she wouldn't admit it, what he told her while he was high hurt her. It had cut her deep because of what he said about her not being enough to save Evan and him overdosing to get away from her hurt because she wondered the same.

She was scared that the wedding and everything moving so fast between them had contributed to Evan's relapse. If he had taken too much on purpose because he wanted a way out. It was the reason that her insomnia had gotten worse since college. Not being able to save him made her worry that she would fail everyone else she loved. And then she hears it. The words he had said that truly cut deepest. "You're so afraid that no one can love you that you use and hurt everyone around you before they get the chance to do it to you. Yet you choose people that will hurt you, people that can never truly choose you because they know that you aren't worth loving and you fall for them."