BLURB:
Nothing doesn't exist. Mutants, magic-users, and Zoo sapiens are just a few of the inhabitants of Duat, a hidden world that shares ties with Earth. The inhabitants of Earth remain blissfully unaware of Duat and the supernatural thanks to the Illuminati; a secret organization that regulates and hides the existence of the supernatural from mortals.
The vampire villain, Night Reaper, has made an appearance in Babel, the capitol of Duat. With a corpse count in the thousands, coupled with the defeat of a powerful hero, the society of Duat takes drastic action against the menace.
Among those who seek out Night Reaper, is Amelia Garcia; a mortal born to supernatural parents. To overcome her crippling fear of the unknown and to prove her self worth, Amelia joins a hero on their quest to stop Night Reaper.
While everyone focuses on the obvious threat, a few elite individuals have come to the realization that something far worse hides behind the scenes. Something so dangerous, that even the combined might of heroes and gods might not be able to stop it.
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YOUR COVER: (6/10) Your cover is very plain. You could experiment with the cropping and placement of the photo used, and the presentation of the title and font is plain/boring. I suggest playing around with filters and different fonts, or you can go to a cover designer on Wattpad. This cover doesn't do your story justice, and I wasn't impressed or drawn to read your story.
YOUR TITLE: (8/10) I enjoy the uniqueness of your title, and I can tell you put a lot of thought to it. However, it won't attract a lot of audiences. It doesn't hint towards the genre your story is in, and the title is vague/generic. You can certainly keep it as it is, but if any other ideas come to mind throughout the story (such as specific people, symbolic objects, a special place, or a repetitive phrase), keep your mind open to those ideas, and find which are the most appealing to you.
YOUR BLURB: (3/5) You created an in-depth blurb, and it explains your plot well. However, there's too much going on. Readers will be browsing briefly through different stories, and if they aren't easily hooked, they'll back away. I suggest simplifying your blurb, shortening it, and correcting the minor grammar errors (mostly comma usage). Try to refrain from mentioning too many names and places, and remember that you can always explain more in the main synopsis inside the story. For example, if I were to simplify your blurb, it would look something like this:
In a world with mutants, magic-users, and Zoo sapiens, a vampire villain rises. With a corpse count in the thousands coupled with the defeat of a powerful hero, the society of Duat takes drastic action against the menace.
Amelia Garcia is just one of many seeking out the Night Reaper. A mortal born to supernatural parents, Amelia joins a hero on their quest to stop the Night Reaper and overcome her crippling fear of the unknown along the way.
But something much worse is lurking behind the obvious threat, and it only takes a few elite individuals to see it. Something so dangerous, that even the combined might of heroes and gods might not be able to stop it.
I suggest adding something to the end as well, as I feel that the blurb doesn't end on a note of finality. Did you see how I shortened your blurb and only mentioned the key details? While the setting might be important in the story, it doesn't contribute to the main plot. Like I've done here, I suggest cutting short the explanation of Duat, and mention it in your full synopsis later. I don't recommend using this blurb I've written here, as it's not the best, and I've edited it in my style. Instead, use your own writing voice to find the necessary parts to cut short or to add to.
YOUR HOOK: (4/5) I like that you brought us immediately into the protagonist's mind with a quote she favored and followed up with her surroundings. There weren't any grammatical errors I could find, although the following words after the quote were rather abrupt. Instead of saying, "The line came from the father of cosmic horror, H.P. Lovecraft," shorten it down to, "H.P. Lovecraft: the father of cosmic horror." Your readers will already know that you're referring to the quote.
YOUR GRAMMAR: (7/10) You had a few grammatical errors. The most frequent ones were the use of your commas. Keep in mind that commas are used to separate different clauses within a sentence, whether they're independent or dependent. An independent clause has a subject (who/what is doing the action) and a predicate (the action being done by the subject). Oftentimes, a sentence has two independent clauses, joined together with a conjunction. In the sentence, "I cried then Billy ran away," there are two independent clauses here. One is, "I cried," and the other is, "Billy ran away." Both have a subject and a predicate, and they're joined together by the conjunction, "then." Because of this, the two clauses still need to be separated with a comma, the correction being: "I cried, then Billy ran away."
Dependent clauses are just like independent clauses: they also have a subject and a predicate. However, dependent clauses are exactly like what they sound like; they're dependent on another clause. They don't make sense by themselves. For example, the clause, "I decided not to," has both a subject and a predicate, but it needs more context to make sense. There should be another clause attached or a sentence before it that it depends on to make sense. When joined to another clause with a conjunction, the dependent clause should still be separated with a comma as well.
Commas are also used to separate an introductory phrase or word before the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause is "I went to work," where the subject is "I," and the predicate/action is "went to work." The word "today" is not included in the clause, and therefore should be separated with a comma. The correction would be: "Today, I went to work." This is a lot of information to take in, but try to keep these rules in mind for the next time you're writing.
You also had a few mistakes with your punctuation with your dialogue. If your dialogue is accompanied with a dialogue tag (he said, she yelled, they shouted, describing the way someone says something), the dialogue tag is a continuation of the dialogue sentence. For example, it doesn't make sense for the clause, "She said," to be a sentence by itself. This is also a perfect example of a dependent clause, because while it has a subject and a predicate, it doesn't make sense by itself; it depends on the dialogue to make sense. Therefore, it's part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue should end in a comma to indicate that the sentence isn't complete, and the start of a dialogue tag is not capitalized, as it's not the start of a new sentence. The opposite goes for action tags. If your dialogue is accompanied by an action tag (she grinned/he sighed/they walked away, basically an action), the action should not be part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue doesn't help the action tag make sense; the action tag should be a sentence by itself. Therefore, the dialogue should end in a period to signify the end of the sentence, and the start of the action tag should always be capitalized, as it's the start of a new sentence. Of course, the punctuation may vary. Exclamation marks and question marks can end a dialogue regardless of the tag accompanying it, as long as if it's a dialogue tag, the dialogue never ends in a period, and for an action tag, it never ends in a comma.
Example of dialogue + dialogue tag: "'I'm okay,' she said." OR "She said, 'I'm okay.'"
Example of dialogue + action tag: "'I'm okay.' She forced a smile." OR "She forced a smile. 'I'm okay.'"
You also had the occasional tense slip-up, and you've misused apostrophes in a sentence. Make sure to spell out the entire words first; substitute "you're" for "you are," or "it's" for "it is", and see if it makes sense with the context of the story. For example, if you say, "you're parents said it's okay," if you spell it all out, it would be, "you are parents said it is okay." While the "it's" is used correctly, "you are" isn't, meaning there is no apostrophe needed. The correction would be: "Your parents said it's okay." You have several examples where you slipped up on this, and I've pointed them out for you; although I could have missed a few.
YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (4/5) I was impressed with the lack of spelling errors, although there were still a few typos and mis-written words. I'm sure you already do this (and if you don't, I'm really impressed), but make sure to thoroughly edit each chapter and proof-read before publishing on Wattpad.
YOUR PLOT: (20/20) This is a plot unlike any other. Your plot consists of a variety of ideas from all over the place, and somehow, you managed to pull it off. Even if you touched on familiar concepts, such as vampires, you used them in a different way from other writers, and turned it into your own concept. Your world-building was fabulous, and I didn't encounter any cliche/generic scenes. Your chapters weren't boring, and you always brought a fresh perspective with each scene. This way, I could never predict what was going to happen. It isn't often that I give someone 20/20 here, so you should be proud of yourself!
YOUR CHARACTERS: (9/10) You gave each character a noticeably different mindset, personality, and a storage of different habits. It was easy to remember who was who, and I didn't have trouble connecting who was who. Ironically, the only character I struggled with was your main character. While I appreciated how you wrote about her insecurities, fear, and self-loathing, I feel that you could be deeper with this. Don't be afraid to bring your own emotions into this and explore more of Amelia's sad and dark sides. What about habits? What does she do when she's nervous? A few examples could be playing with her hair, digging her nails into her palm, or crossing her arms. Make sure to establish these and remember that the most important thing is forming a bond between your characters and your audience. When re-reading over your work, make sure you are confident that your readers understand your protagonist, and feel her pain and her happiness.
YOUR VOICE: (18/20) You wrote each chapter seamlessly, as though you were familiarized with the process, and more importantly, you were comfortable with it. It may not have been easy necessarily, but your writing skills were advanced enough that you were able to hide it. There were times where I wished for stronger diction or metaphors/similes to really paint a visual. I don't recommend using purple prose (excessive prose/details that break the flow of the story), but rather the small, simple, and yet effective sentences. You want to strongly impact your readers with your narration. If Jerry runs into a wall, don't just say "Jerry ran into the wall," say, "Jerry slammed into the wall, his head ringing with the impact as the ground swallowed his fall." See how this sentence is much more effective? Your readers would be able to really feel this, rather than just read about it. I suggest refraining from using words such as "went" and "put," as there are stronger verbs that can invoke emotion, such as "slithered, stalked, sauntered, shuffled, etc," and " dropped, slammed, etc."
STORY FLOW: (5/5) Your story transitions weren't repetitive, which I appreciated, and there weren't any awkward filler paragraphs. You knew when to move on, and the story pace was just write. It's important to not linger on the lesser details, and focus on the main idea, and you executed this to near perfection.
So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to each individual chapter.
ANNOYANCE, LIES, AND SELF ESTEEM:
1. "... a powerful, eldritch being created by none other than God himself." (p.6). You have a misplaced comma here. Correction: "... a powerful eldritch being, created by none other than God himself."
2. In paragraph 7, I suggest reading the paragraph aloud. You'll find that the sentences sound repetitive, although you're saying different things. That's because your sentences are around the same lengths. You want your sentences to vary so they don't start sounding robotic. I suggest finding a way to rewrite or merge sentences together so that the lengths aren't too similar.
3. "... cannot liberate me from the psychological hell that I was enduring." (p.8). You have a tense slip-up here. Since you're writing in past tense, you shouldn't write in present tense. Correction: "... could not liberate me from the psychological hell that I was enduring."
4. "Sitting behind the desk, was a plump, mocha-brown..." (p.9). You have an unnecessary comma here. In the phrase, "sitting behind the desk," this is not a complete clause, as while there is a predicate (action), there is no subject. That means this phrase is part of the continuing clause, and shouldn't be separated with a comma. Correction: "Sitting behind the desk was a plump, mocha-brown..."
5. "As angels of the Lord, we are expected to remain impeccable at all times." (p.18). You have another tense slip-up here. Correction: "As angels of the Lord, we were expected to remain impeccable at all times."
6. "...we're on Duat right now!" (p.35). Here is an example of a tense slip-up. You occasionally have these throughout the chapter. Correction: "...we were on Duat right now!"
7. "In my eye or my throat?" (p.37). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "In my eye, or my throat?" Take notice of how most commas accompany conjunctions (and, but, or, etc), as conjunctions usually join two clauses together.
8. "Did you're parents say what percentage of your body..." (p.55). By using an apostrophe, you're essentially saying, "Did you are parents..." You've used the wrong word here. Correction: "Did your parents say what percentage of your body..."
9."Amelia wiped her eyes just as tears were beginning to form." (p.60). Here, you're saying that something was done, rather than saying something happened. This is a passive voice, something I suggest refraining from doing. Suggestion: "Amelia wiped her eyes just as tears began to form."
10. "... but it's like my wish has been perverted." (p.60). Don't you mean "reverted"? And even if you meant that the wish was perverted, as in destroyed, most readers won't tie that word and meaning together.
11. "... once an idea comes to me, I know where to go with it." (p.67). You have a tense slip-up here as well. Make sure to correct this.
12. "'More or less,' I calmly shrugged." (p.75). You have the wrong punctuation at the end of this sentence. Since "I calmly shrugged," is an action tag, it should be its own sentence, not a continuation of the dialogue sentence. Correction: "'More or less.' I calmly shrugged." Along with that, in the next sentence, "Anyways," should actually be singular: "Anyway..."
13. "... there you will find the Garden of Eden." (p.99). You're missing a comma here, as the word "there" is an introductory word that isn't part of the main clause. Correction: "... there, you will find the Garden of Eden."
14. In paragraph 100, you have an unnecessary dialogue mark at the end of the paragraph.
A WORLD OF VAKRYN:
1. "My imitation of Maria must've been spot on, because, when I pulled out the ID..." (p.9). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "My imitation of Maria must've been spot on, because when I pulled out the ID..."
2. "...she said, once all her belongings were reclaimed." (p.18). You also have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "...she said once all her belongings were reclaimed."
3. "... except this observation, was happening when the sun was at its highest point." (p.21). You have an unnecessary comma here, as this is one clause, not two. Correction: "... except this observation was happening when the sun was at its highest point."
4. "This may be my second time coming to Duat..." (p.22). You have a tense slip-up here. Correction: "This may have been my second time coming to Duat..."
5. "I was lucky to have my parents the first time, otherwise, I'd probably have lost my sanity." (p.22). You don't need the comma here. Conjunctions are generally part of the second clause in a sentence, and shouldn't be separated with a comma. Correction: "I was lucky to have my parents the first time, otherwise I'd probably have lost my sanity."
6. "'Oh really?' he smiled." (p.36). Since the action tag is not part of the dialogue sentence, the beginning of the action tag should be capitalized, as it's the beginning of a sentence. Correction: "'Oh really?' He smiled."
7. "...and I know a place you can stay while you wait for me?" (p.47). This phrase isn't stated as a question, so you shouldn't end it with a question mark. Correction: "...and I know a place you can stay while you wait for me."
GRANNY'S CABIN:
1. In paragraph 2, "Mexican American" should have a hyphen. It should look like this: "Mexican-American."
2. "Amelia, do you love me." (p.26). Since this is phrased as a question, there should be a question mark at the end. Correction: "Amelia, do you love me?"
3. "'I guess we have no choice,' Arthur chuckled weakly." (p.31). Since the action tag is not part of the dialogue sentence, the end of the dialogue should end with a period, not a comma. Correction: "'I guess we have no choice.' Arthur chuckled weakly."
4. "He barely turned the lever, when the door slammed into him." (p.31). You have an unnecessary comma here, as this is one clause. Correction: "He barely turned the lever when the door slammed into him."
5. "Yeah, but does this test only detect one strain of the virus, or does it detect all strains of the Zoo sapien retrovirus." (p.48). Since this is phrased as a question, there should be a question mark. Unless it's intentional, which in that case, make sure to write that it is so the readers know. For example, you could describe how he spoke, like, "his voice was flat, monotonous. It wasn't a question; rather, it was a demand."
6. "... and I'm not getting groomed for it." (p.62). You have a tense slip-up here.
7. "'No Sir.' A random officer said." (p.69). You're missing a comma here. Along with that, the dialogue is accompanied with a dialogue tag, which is part of the sentence. The beginning of the dialogue tag shouldn't be capitalized, as it's not the start of a new sentence. Along with that, the dialogue should end in a comma to indicate that the sentence isn't over. Correction: "'No, Sir,' a random officer said."
8. In paragraph 73, I suggest writing "five am" as "five AM," so your readers know you're referring to ante meridiem and not the word "am." Along with that, "AM" is an abbreviation/acronym, so not capitalizing it is grammatically incorrect.
9. "... a random officer pointed out." (p.78). This is the second time you've used the word "random" in the same sentence as the word "officer." While this is a small repetition, it was enough to garner my attention. I suggest you find a different way to describe this.
10. "... you're magic grants you superhuman endurance." (p.79). By using an apostrophe here, you're saying, "... you are magic grants you superhuman endurance." Before you use an apostrophe next time, I suggest saying both words out loud and seeing if it makes sense with the contents of the sentence. Correction: "... your magic grants you superhuman endurance."
SUSPICIOUS ONES:
1. "... Latino woman laid in bed..." (p.1). Here, "laid" should actually be "lay." The word "laid" is the past tense of the word "lay," which means to put down something. The grandmother didn't put a thing down, so this word use is wrong. The correct word is "lie," as in "I lie down," and the past tense for that is "lay." This can be confusing, but it is also grammatically accurate. Correction: "... Latino woman lay in bed..."
2. "Reluctantly, a gave the order for my men to withdraw." (p.22). Shouldn't the word "a," be "I"?
3. "'Is something wrong?' The granddaughter asked." (p.28). Since "The granddaughter asked" is a dialogue tag, "the" shouldn't be capitalized (as it's not the start of a new sentence). Correction: "'Is something wrong?' the granddaughter asked."
4. "I ignored the granddaughter's question." (p.29). You already referred to her as the "granddaughter" one sentence prior, and it's better to just use proper pronouns instead to help the flow of the story. Suggestion: "I ignored her question."
5. In paragraph 46, you have an unnecessary dialogue mark at the end of the paragraph.
6. "Then the smile vanished and Preston was serious again." (p.66). You're missing two commas here. Correction: "Then, the smile vanished, and Preston was serious again."
GRANDMA TALK:
1. "'Sure,' Grandma grinned." (p.13). Since the dialogue is accompanied with an action tag, the dialogue should end in a period and not a comma, as the action tag is not a continuation of the dialogue sentence. Correction: "'Sure.' Grandma grinned."
2. "If you're a mortal then why are you here on Duat?" (p.17). You're missing a comma here. There are two independent clauses strung together by a conjunction. The first clause is, "If you're a mortal," and the subject is "You," and the predicate (action) is "are a mortal." The second clause is, "Why are you here on Duat?" The subject is "You," and the predicate is "here on Duat?" Both clauses are joined with the conjunction, "then." Therefore, they should be separated from each other. Correction: "If you're a mortal, then why are you here on Duat?"
3. "... he had to come to Duat, and, since I was his sole caregiver, I came along too." (p.26). There is no need to separate the conjunction from the second clause with a comma in this sentence. Correction: "... he had to come to Duat, and since I was his sole caregiver, I came along too."
4. "Believe it or not, they did it for you?" (p.28). This isn't phrased as a question, rather a statement. Correction: "Believe it or not, they did it for you."
5. "... where the majority of people were mortal like yourself." (p.32). Here, the word "mortal," should be plural, and you're also missing a comma. Correction: "... where the majority of people were mortals, like yourself."
6. "Somehow he's found a means..." (p.39). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "Somehow, he's found a means..."
7. "... Grandma finally said." (p.44). In the sentence before this one, you already referred to her as "Grandma." Since she's also the only other female in the room and you referenced her as that only a few words earlier, it's appropriate to replace it in this sentence with a proper pronoun. Suggestion: "... she finally said."
8. "You're in a public lounge, and, until two minutes ago..." (p.48). You have an unnecessary comma here. This mistake specifically is common throughout your chapters. Correction: "You're in a public lounge, and until two minutes ago..."
9. "'Ignore him, Amelia,' Grandma waved her hand, dismissively." (p.49). The dialogue is accompanied by an action tag, which should be its own sentence. That means the dialogue should end with a period and not a comma. You also have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "'Ignore him, Amelia.' Grandma waved her hand dismissively."
10. "'Now Amelia,' Grandma continued. 'What do you mean by not wanting to be the 'princess'?'" (p.51). Technically, the dialogue here is being continued. It's just being broken up by the dialogue tag, "Grandma continued." But, as it's still part of the dialogue sentence, I suggest merging it into the sentence. Correction: "'Now Amelia,' Grandma continued, 'what do you mean by not wanting to be the 'princess'?'"
11. "Grandma this is serious." (p.65). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "Grandma, this is serious."
12. "'Just because you're fine with people dying doesn't mean I am,' I rose to my feet." (p.67). Since the dialogue is accompanied by an action tag and not a dialogue tag, the punctuation should be replaced with a period, to signify the end of the sentence and the start of another. Correction: "'Just because you're fine with people dying doesn't mean I am.' I rose to my feet." This suggestion applies to your next paragraph as well (and feel free to ask me if you aren't sure of what I'm talking about).
13. "Grandma and I exchange menacing glare." (p.69). You slipped up on your tense here. Correction: "Grandma and I exchanged menacing glare."
14. "What is it this time, Karen?" (p.76). Okay, so the complaining woman was actually called 'Karen'. I'm laughing right now, I—
***
I enjoyed the thrilling storytelling in this unique plot! You captivated me with your world building and clean writing. There were, of course, still a few grammatical errors to be found. By polishing this draft and focusing more on the cover of your story, I'm sure it'll gain a lot of attention!
TOTAL SCORE: 84/100
Make sure to vote and comment!
Written on 01/07/2020