"There's something really weird about him." I said into my cellphone. I stand in the kitchen waiting on my popcorn to finish popping. As the bell dings, I pulled the popcorn out of the microwave and pass it onto the counter top. I sighed into the phone as Charlotte and Eva go on and on about Lucas and his brother Finn, "But...don't you feel it? Something about them is...off."
I hadn't met Finn, but I had seen him. To say that the two are nearly identical is an understatement. Physically they are the same person but their demeanor and overall feel are entirely different. He seems to have taken a liking to Eva, who seemed just as taken with him.
Finn seemed to be the more presentable of the two and is very much a gentleman whereas his brother is a total scoundrel.
"Okay, Finn and Lucas are hot. Amazingly hot. But there's something dangerous about Lucas." I stuffed popcorn into my mouth before speaking again, "Are telling me that you haven't sensed something totally batshit about him?"
Charlotte countered my statement by reminding me that I had just said that Lucas was hot. She theorized that I was doing what I normally do to people I am attracted to: Vilify them. She also pointed out that I had done that with David.
"Okay, it might not be such a stretch to think I have a slight attraction to the guy. It's not a stretch at all, but come on." I sat the bag of popcorn on the coffee table, "He's...he scares me."
"Scares? Or excites?" Eva asked.
I sighed into the phone. They knew me better than anyone else in the world. I told them both that I had to go and hung up the phone. I sat the phone on the table and began stuffing more popcorn in my mouth. The thought of liking someone else is a terrifying thought. The fact that David is supposed to come back to school tomorrow is even worse. Now Eva and I can be cowards together.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Summer, July 2...
"Are you sure about this?" David asked.
It was always about fun. The thrill of the chase, the absolute feeling of disconnection that I felt with him. At the beginning of sophomore year, I was surprised when David took interest in me. It started off slowly, first with helping Eva and Parker get back together but quickly escalated to hanging out and eventually we became friends.
I thought I was insane about my feelings until he took the initiative to cross the line.
And I let him.
After a while of making out, we were brought to a defining moment. The point where making out and stealing kisses turns into something more physical and life-changing than I was used to. The tides had turned in whatever relationship we had.
But it was my decision. And I didn't regret it.
What I regretted was the moment after it when I had to learn the truth about love and relationships.
As I rest on his chest, I felt more at home than I had in a while. It was a weird feeling to feel him pull away and even weirder to feel him get to his feet and begin to dress.
I watched on, trying not to worry.
When he was done, it was like he couldn't look at me. I began to wonder if it was shame or had I not done something wrong. When he left without a word, I felt ashamed and dirty and a bit confused.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Now...
After receiving a course load that could stifle a horse, I found myself sitting under a tree with a copy of The Color Purple. I had read the book, watched the movie and become enamored with the overall theme of the book. The characters were compelling, too. I don't even have a least favorite character. I must look like an idiot re-reading it every year.
I rarely read a book or watched a movie more than once. If I did, you could tell I really like it. The same could be said for people. My friends are only my friends because I genuinely like them.
This train of thought brings me to my conversation with Jason and the argument with Lucas afterward. He pictures himself an authority on my relationship with Jason based on what he gleamed from watching. It isn't quite a shock. There had to be something wrong with someone so...perfect.
It was no shock either that he showed up to gawk at me.
"I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it." Lucas said as he walked up to me. His trademark smirk ever present on his face, "Of course, God isn't real..."
"What do you want?" I ask as I look up at him for the first time.
"I think we got off on the wrong foot." He says with a strained voice. Obviously apologies aren't his strong suit, "I took a conversation that I shouldn't have been listening to and jumped to a hell of a conclusion based to very good deductive reasoning skills."
"Of course you did. I doubt it's the first time." I say with a shrug. He stares at me with a look of astonishment. When his expression softens, he is smiling again. I roll my eyes, "What is it that you want from me, exactly? First you jump to conclusions about my relationship with my best friend's brother and now you're apologizing, but do you even know why you're apologizing?"
"Not exactly. I don't usually apologize for truthful statements."
"So why apologize?" I asked.
"Because it's what you wanted to hear." Lucas says truthfully.
"Finally. Now that's you." I say closing the book and standing to meet him, "Look, I find you unnerving, to say the least. I don't quite understand it, but I feel like...There's something off about you. And, in general, I'm inclined to decline whatever it is you want. Sorry."
I say nothing more as I walk past him. With the sins of my past threatening to tear me apart, I am off to History. I believe firmly in the old adage about not knowing history leading to repeating it.
I don't want to repeat history.
I wanted to make it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Summer, July 3...
It had been twenty hours, seventeen minutes and forty two seconds since I'd lost my virginity to David Gilbert. I hadn't received so much as a text, even though I had sent many. If I were watching myself in a movie or reading myself in a book, I would feel embarrassed for myself.
The toll it took on me was obvious to everyone, especially Eva and Charlotte. They badgered me the whole day, until I was able to move them past whatever I was going through. I was titanium. I smiled and laughed, though I felt as if I were about to fall apart.
"I think I should dye my hair auburn? Maybe streak it?" Charlotte said as she picked at her hair in my mirror.
"Auburn? What about red? Or strawberry?" Eva asked as she joined her at mirror, "You have to ease into a darker color. That's like me going full-on blonde."
"I can't see you as a blonde." Charlotte said thoughtfully, "Perry, what do you think."
They both looked at me through the mirror. I was too quiet for my own good. When I looked up at them, I was surprised to find them both looking at me. They both turned to me and I panicked. When I was about to freak out, Eva's eyes went to my feet.
"What's that?" Eva said as she literally dove at my feet. When she stood, she was holding an opened condom wrapper. Her eyes went wide as they found me again, "Wha-When?"
"Who?" Charlotte asked as she stood at the mirror.
"David." I said sheepishly.
"Gilbert? I thought agreed that you weren't...you are friends." Charlotte said softly, "Why him? He's a jerk."
"Charlotte!" Eva warned, "Perry, you...did you like it? You were obviously careful. Tell us all about it."
"On second thought, don't." Charlotte frowned.
We both stared at her, neither of us either to dispute her comments or the fact that she was right. I wasn't surprised by Charlotte's adverse reaction to David. We all had a certain distaste for him.
"Look, I know we need to be positive about this because it's your first time, but..." Charlotte trailed. Eva glared at her and she took a seat my computer desk, "How was it?"
"The actual sex was great." I said quickly. Both girls watched me intently, "I think. Nothing to compare it to. He left right after and hasn't returned my texts."
The girls exchanged nervous expressions before their attention turned to me again. Eva moved over and sat next to me. She put her arm around my shoulder.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
"Not sure." I said softly.
"Is there anything we can do?" Charlotte asked.
"No. I think it's sufficiently up to David."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Now...
After a round of classes, I find myself reading again. To avoid further misconception, I put in my earbuds and let Sam Smith croon in my ear. I feel very much displaced in time. Charlotte and Eva were already at cheerleading, which I opted out of, despite a very tempting offer to join. The cheerleaders were always looking for new guys. I wouldn't be very good at it.
The thought crossed my mind that I should join some sort of activity. My grades are above average but going into college, I would no doubt need more than good grades. Then again, I could always become a hermit and run off into the woods.
Modesty.
As I turn the page to my novel, I feel someone take a seat across from me. I groan as I look up to see Parker. He seems nervous about something and I don't have to take a guess where this conversation is going. I feel his nervousness as if it were something tangible.
I'm sure this isn't normal.
Parker beams at me before stammering, "Hello."
I stared at him, waiting for him to wipe the dumb smile off his face. He chuckles nervously and clears his throat, "Okay. Right to it, then? I was wondering if—is Eva seeing anyone?"
"Seeing?"
"Dating. Talking to..."
"Screwing?" I asked.
"Well, yeah." Parker's face darkened.
"No. Not seriously." I said with a shrug. His eyes seem to examine me further and I sigh, "Look, Parker, Eva's a big girl. She makes her own choices. Whatever hold you think I have over her isn't really true."
"Maybe. Or maybe you're underestimating yourself. It was a long shot." Parker says as he stands.
"Hey, Park." I say catching his attention, "Don't think this is me coming onto you or anything, but you're a good guy. Not going to lie, losing her is your loss but her losing you is hers, too."
"Thanks." He says with a nod.
"One more thing." I say softly.
Parker stares at me before nodding, "Yeah, he's alright. He's—"
I nod to him before uttering, "Good."
Parker chuckles as he turns to walk away. He soon disappears into the crowd of individuals.
I put my earbuds back in and continue with the novel. I was just getting to the best part.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Summer, July 4th...
Fireworks.
The fourth of July festival was the biggest thing to hit Endor Hills all year. All the parents would get drunk and relive their glory days while the kids set off fireworks. The teenagers, as we are, we eventually sneak off into the woods for our own party.
The party, of course, always hit some kind of hiccup. This year it was the looming threat of a thunderstorm. Of course, there was also the fact that I hadn't heard from David in two days. My expectations were severely lowered, though Eva told me to be hopeful. She always thought I should be optimistic about everything.
It was no surprise that I celebrated the fourth with her and Charlotte, as well as a reluctant Jason. After our mini-celebration, we left for the bigger party. While we were there, I broke away from Eva and Charlotte and found myself venturing further into the woods.
Stumbling, I made my way into a clearing. When I found a log to sit on, I looked down the beach to see a couple making out on a beach towel in the sand. I watched in utter embarrassment. I thought PDA was pretty tacky. It was only by the grace of moonlight that I caught a glimpse of one of the teenagers, David Gilbert.
I felt my stomach twist in knots and reached down to calm it as I stood. By a weird stroke of misfortune, he spotted me. I turned to walk away from the spot, content with never seeing him again.
The next couple of weeks, I ignored more than a few of his texts. I hadn't seen him since.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Now...
As I prepared to make my hasty retreat, I got a call from Eva and Charlotte who told me that they'd meet me at Charlotte's house at six. I agreed and told them to be careful. After hanging up, I make my way to the parking lot.
I rummage around my messenger bag and toss books around until I fished my keys out and hold them up in celebration for my success. As I near my car, I nearly freeze in surprise when I see that David is leaning on my car.
As I walk closer, David stands straight up and scratches the back of his head. I notice that his arm is bandaged and he seems more edgy than usual.
"Hey."
I stared at him. This is the most confused I've felt in ages. Well, since he slept with me and disappeared. The sight of him causes a myriad of emotions in me. The prevalent are anger and relief. I'm angry that he's here and relieved that he's here.
I hate this feeling.
"I've always liked this car. Challenger, 2011, right?" He asks.
"2010."
David knows this already. He's trying to gauge my anger. He nods and walks past me.
"I'm glad you didn't get mauled." I say softly.
He stops and turns to me, "Can we go back? Or even start over?" He asks.
"To before you slept with me, didn't call and screwed around with-"
"We aren't—we weren't together." David groans, "We agreed when this thing started that it was about fun. We're having fun."
"We aren't having fun. Do you think it was fun to see you with anybody after I—I never did that with anyone. I am not the type of person who does that. You know that I don't give—" I stop. I am so angry that I am near tears but I stop before I regress into tears. He doesn't get to see emotion from me anymore. I take a deep breath before speaking again, "I see people do this all the time...to be friends with benefits or have fun and I tried."
"I'm not...You know that you're the only guy I've ever been with." David's voice shows just how confused he is. It also shows hints of chaos. His voice again hits my ears, "I don't like guys. I like you but I don't want to be...this."
"This?" I asked.
"You know what I mean."
"Me?" I asked.
"Can't we just-"
"Listen, I'll make this easy for you. I wish I was that type of person but I'm just not. You don't have to be this. I'll be this." I say as I turn away from him.
I close my eyes, trying to contain every emotion I've been feeling. I push it down and climb into my car. I can see him in the rear view, walking back towards the school. I pull my car out and speed away from the school, feeling utterly drained.