Rose
We ate our delicious pizza in an eerie silence. He looked at me the whole time while I tried to focus on my plate. After we were done, I cleaned up the table and taking a deep breath, I followed him to the living room.
"Can I smoke?" he asked a cigarette already in hand.
"Actually no. I never smoke inside the house. I have a small balcony where I ........" he stood up and asked me to lead the way. A small metallic table and two chairs are the only things at the balcony. I used to have plants, but I was never good at taking proper care of them. I was sad after the third time I had to get rid of the dying plants. I gave up and bought a wonderful cactus. It hasn't betrayed me yet. We took our seats and I started rolling a cigarette.
"Can you make one for me too?" he asked and I smiled.
"I don't know. Is it not too vintage for you?" I laughed and he shook his head.
"You remember everything I say, don't you? I must be very careful when I talk." I handed him the cigarette and waited for his reaction. He exhaled, making a comment of approval and we were silent again, watching the dark sky. "If you want to clear your head, just take a look at the sky. Someone told me that once and I find it so helpful sometimes. New York may not provide us with a clear or starry sky, but it still works." He turned his head to me, waiting for something in response. Alright, this is bullshit. He's been trying all night to make a proper conversation with me and I've been behaving like a ten-year-old. Enough Rose. Letting the cloud of smoke vanish in the air, I looked him straight in the eyes and started talking.
"Why did you come here tonight Marco?" nice one. He's already told you idiot. Jesus I'm killing in ice breakers. Well done Rose F for effort.
"I wanted to make sure you were alright. I didn't like the way you left on Saturday and since you weren't returning my calls or texts, I thought to check on you in person. Does it bother you?"
"That you came to my place uninvited or that you care?" I asked honestly, earning a smile from him. He shifted in the small chair and crossed his legs.
"I don't know Rose. Both? Would it be so bad if I cared about you?" he fired back still smiling. It took me a little longer to put out my cigarette, trying to buy me some time.
"Do you like the ashtray? It's a souvenir from the last time I went to Greece. I love collecting souvenirs from all the places I visit. Most of them are back at my parent's house. I only brought the ones I love most with me. Books and souvenirs are the things I spend my money on. You must think I'm weird, but look at it as a hobby. Do you have any hobbies?"
"Rose." He tried to interrupt my incomprehensible rumble, but I'm on a roll.
"I hate shopping, as you have already gathered. My favorite color is blue, but I usually wear black. I have never dyed my hair, although when I was younger it was so blonde. I don't know why they became darker over the years."
"Rose." He insists, but I ignore him, continuing with endless minor details of my life. Things that don't interest him, I'm sure. I'm cut midsentence, when I see him pulling me up. Standing in front of him, I shut my mouth instantly.
"What are you doing?" he asked and I mouthed an inaudible I don't know. "I asked you some very simple questions this evening and I'm still waiting for your answers. I like that you want to share all these things with me, but it's not the time. Do you like me Rose? Because I like you. And maybe more than a friend should. I need to know, before I leave tomorrow. Am I alone in this?" I kept looking at him like an idiot.
"You need to talk honey. You couldn't stop talking just a minute ago and now. .... Am I making you uncomfortable? Do you feel pressured?" Speak Rose. He's losing his patience. He shook his head defeated, held my face with both his hands and kissed my forehead.
"I should go. It's getting late. I tried Rose." He said before he started walking towards the door.
"Wait." I almost screamed and he stopped, his back still turned to me. "I do like you. Maybe more than a friend should." I repeated his words and he turned to look at me, smiling he started walking towards me. "But I'm scared." He stopped midway and his expression hardened. "I'm afraid that I'm not what you are looking for and you are going to find out sooner or later. And then I'll get up getting hurt again. I don't want to go through that again Marco. I lost so many years of my life. I came to New York to find myself, to start anew, to live new experiences and try different things. So far I have failed miserably. Say something, please. Don't let me embarrass myself even more." I pleaded while biting the inside of my cheek. This was going worse than I expected. I should have just let him leave.
He reached for my hand and guided us towards the sofa. "Take a seat." He said and he followed right next to me. "I don't know what happened to you in the past. Someone has obviously hurt you and I don't want you to explain if you are not comfortable yet. I'm just glad that you see that there is something between us. I told you last week that this is a first for me. I have never done anything like this before. Trying to persuade someone I mean. I'm only asking you to spend some time together, see where it leads us, take you out on dates, anything that you feel comfortable with. Would you like that? Maybe I'll be the new experience you were looking for. What do you say?" he kept my hand in his the whole time, as I was trying to focus on his words. I desperately tried to catch the cushion with my free hand when he suddenly burst out throwing it at me. "Why do you need the damn cushion? You are beautiful and your body is to be shown, not hidden. Really Rose, you need to be more confident. There is no need to act so......."
"So what Marco?" I asked irritated placing the cushion on my lap. "Don't start the psychoanalysis again. You don't know a thing about me. You may be right about some things, but truth hurts you know. I am who I am and no matter how much I want to change, I don't think that it's fair for you to wait for me. I would really like to get to know you better, do the things you offered previously, but I think that you would be so disappointed. You would be wasting your time." lowering my gaze to the floor, I broke free from him and got up.
"We'll never know, if you don't give me a chance." He had a point. Maybe I was over thinking again. I already know him sort of. I could ask Stefano about him. He was there. He must know him. I poured us a drink and returned to my seat. He accepted the glass and watched me sipping mine.
"Alright. I guess we can be friends and see what happens." I concluded and emptied my glass with a large gulp.
"How do you drink this thing?" he asked with a look of horror on his face.
"What? You don't like gin? Too bad. That's totally a deal breaker. I don't believe we can be friends anymore." He looked at me for a moment and then he cracked up laughing. "Seriously though, I'm not a borderline alcoholic or anything, but gin has saved me a hundred times. What can I say? When life hands you lemons, open a bottle of gin." I laughed and he shook his head.
"I don't believe that's how it goes, but seriously I think you shouldn't be drinking that much. That's never a solution to any problem." He returned to his serious self and I reluctantly nodded my head.
"I better get going. I have to be up really early tomorrow. I want you to promise me that you will text me when you get your phone. Think about what we talked tonight and expect a call from me when I get back."
"Is this your boss voice?" I asked while laughing. He stared at me puzzled. "Is this how you talk to your employees? Because for someone who tries to convince me that's a good thing to be around, you sure sounded a little bossy." He just shrugged and came closer to me. He put his arms around me and pulled in a hug. I instinctively closed my eyes and let the sensation envelope me. He then whispered in my ear.
"Mi manca il tuo sorriso bellissimo." He kissed my forehead again and got up.
"What did you say? And what is it with Italian tonight?" standing up and walking towards him, sans cushion, I crossed my arms in front of me.
"Do you prefer that tone better Rose?" he mocked "My parents are visiting and we speak mostly in Italian at home these days so....." he used an apologetic tone.
"It's okay." I shrugged."But what did you say?"
"I said that I miss your beautiful smile."
"Oh." I sounded a little disappointed. Damn, what did I think he would say?
"Do you want me to tell you something else in Italian Rose? Do you find my accent attractive?"
"What?" I stuttered." No, not at all." That was so convincing. Great. Now I will be dreaming him and his stupid, sexy accent.
"Is everything alright? You seem a little flushed Rose. Do you want me to stay? You aren't feeling well?" he asked and I cringed. He was totally making fun of me now, but I decided to let it go. I opened the front door and leaned against it.
"Bye Marco. Have a safe trip. We'll talk when you get back."
"Don't change your mind. And don't forget to text me when you get your phone. I'll be waiting." He repeated and I just nodded.
I watched him leave and I felt weird. Don't over think it Rose. He seems nice. Nothing will happen. Ending my internal monologue, I walked to the balcony. I took the lighter he had forgotten on the table in my hands and watched it for a minute. What was I doing? I'm helpless. I have to relax and think. There is no way I'm repeating this kind of behavior in front of him ever again. It's time I started making the changes I always wanted.
Tomorrow is going to be a long day. Time to get out to the real world, make some choices and become a person I can look at the mirror with a smile. With or without Marco, this is something that needs to be done. I don't know if anything will happen with him, but I'm ready to turn my life around. For me, my wellbeing and my sanity.
"In the end, today was a good day!" I smiled, closing my eyes and relaxing on the chair. Let's get this show started!