BLURB:
All she wants is to get away.
Away from the palace.
Away from her parents.
When the chance to leave forever and go somewhere no one would expect presents itself, will she take it?
Or will she regret everything?
***
YOUR COVER: (8/10) I enjoyed the way you presented the font and how the photo used represents your story. This is one of those kinds of covers where it's hard to tell whether it's good or bad. You can definitely keep it as it is, but this wasn't an immediate "I love it" kind of cover. I suggest keeping your options open, and if you feel the need to, go to a cover designer on Wattpad.
YOUR TITLE: (8/10) Like your cover, your title isn't something I'm completely sure on. It looks like you found the title from your blurb or the concept of the story you're going with. I have found more stories with the same title on Wattpad, with many variations. It doesn't seem to reach the maximum potential to fully represent your story, almost in a generic way. Again, you can keep it as it is, but if you feel conflicted, open up yourself to the possibility of finding a better title.
YOUR BLURB: (4/5) One thing I like is how short and mysterious your blurb is. It hints at unhappiness and has some clue words, such as "palace." I didn't like how vague it was. There are many stories using this concept with different variations, and the point of the blurb is to show that your story is different. What aspects can you include that are unique and intriguing? What is the time period here, and where is the story placed? You didn't even mention her arranged marriage or the maid that helped her escape.
YOUR HOOK: (4/5) While I believe the hook to be a bit abrupt, you quickly engaged the audience with a thought/concept that your protagonist was worried about. It would have been better if you extended your analysis on marriage for your main character; to go more into depth on what it would mean for her. It seems like you only started the hook this way so you could find a way to let your audience know that your character was getting married. Try to let the reasoning go beyond that and don't forget to include imagery and in-depth descriptions to further hook in your audience.
YOUR GRAMMAR: (5/10) I found that you have the same kinds of grammar mistakes as I've pointed out for your other stories. Keep in mind that commas are used to separate different clauses within a sentence. An independent clause is a phrase with a subject and predicate (an action). In the sentence, "I went home," the subject is "I," and the predicate would be that she "went home." If two independent clauses were used in the same sentence and joined with a conjunction, they should still be separated with a comma. In the sentence, "Bob went to the store then he went home," these are two independent clauses. One is "Bob went to the store," where the subject is "Bob," and the predicate is he "went to the store." In the second clause, the subject is "he," and the predicate is that he "went home." These two clauses are joined by the conjunction "then," so they should be separated with a comma. Correction: "Bob went to the store, then he went home." Commas can also be used for dependent clauses. A dependent clause is just like an independent clause, except that it is "dependent" on the main clause, meaning that it doesn't make sense as a sentence by itself. An example of this is when you add dialogue tags, such as "she said." This clause has a subject "she" and the predicate, which is that she "said." However, it doesn't make sense as a sentence by itself, as it's dependent on the dialogue.
This brings me to my next point. Since dialogue tags are part of the dialogue sentence, the dialogue sentence should end in a comma (to indicate that the sentence isn't over), and the start of the dialogue tag should never be capitalized (as it's not the start of a new sentence). The opposite goes for action tags, which are separate clauses. They aren't dependent on the dialogue, so when used, the dialogue should end in a period (as it's the end of the sentence), and the start of the action tag should be capitalized as it's the start of a new sentence. This rule may fluctuate depending on the structure of the dialogue sentences and the placements of the tags, and the type of punctuation doesn't matter, as long as the dialogue never ends in a comma for action tags, and never ends in a period for dialogue tags. This rule is extremely important, and while most readers probably won't take notice of these mistakes, there's a minority group of readers who may be turned away from this.
A dialogue with a dialogue tag: "'I'm okay,' she said." OR "She said, 'I'm okay.'"
A dialogue with an action tag: "'I'm okay.' She smiled." OR "She smiled. 'I'm okay."
Along with that, I've found some capitalization errors in your writing. If there is no possessive pronoun in front of words such as "father" and "mother," then they should be capitalized. For example, it's okay to not capitalize in the phrase, "my mother." However, just by saying "mother," you're referencing to a specific person, so capitalization is needed. I've pointed out a few examples in your chapter review.
There were plenty of spots where you had tense slip-ups as well. Make sure to stay in the tense you start with. I've mentioned these below as well.
I found that I'm repeating most of my suggestions for each new story you apply to be reviewed. I suggest focusing on reading the grammar section carefully and take note of my advice. Rather than continuing to make the same mistakes and just fixing the mistakes I've pointed out, try to understand the reasoning behind the corrections, and please ask for help if you don't understand! I'm not seeing improvements in your writing despite the amount of times you applied for a review. I would rather give you criticism for something else rather than what I've already pointed out before. I don't mind repeating my advice to help you, so if you need more help, please reach out to me!
YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (4/5) Despite the cleanness of your writing, I still caught a few spelling errors here and there. I've pointed one out in your chapter review, but the rest are up to you to find. I also suggest writing out numbers and writing out full words. For example, write "okay" rather than "ok."
YOUR PLOT: (10/20) To be honest, I've seen many stories on Wattpad with the exact same plot. I liked that you twisted two different concepts together, but royalty and arranged marriages often come together hand in hand. Your main character seemed to be just like every other protagonist in stories like these. How is your plot different from others, and if it isn't, how can you make it so? Along with that, I only got brief descriptions throughout the story, so I've barely scratched the surface of your character's world. Make sure to focus on world building and describing the differences between this world and our world.
YOUR CHARACTERS: (5/10) As I've stated above, I didn't get enough information about your characters. Your descriptions were very vague and brief. If Dove looks beautiful, can you explain how she looks beautiful? And is it the beauty on the outside, or the inside? Along with that, Dove may be kind to extend her generosity to those in stations lower than her, but keep in mind that she was probably raised by people who consider themselves to be above others. What aspect of her mindset helped her become aware of those below her, or kinder to them? Was there someone who helped her learn to be this way? It's too often that I find morally perfect characters on Wattpad with little regard to their history and background.
YOUR VOICE: (10/20) As always, I enjoyed the simple writing style you have going on! However, there were things lacking in your narration. Your descriptions were vague and brief, as though you couldn't wait to get this chapter finished. Even if it wasn't so, that's the feeling I get when I read through your chapters. Slow down and think about the scenery. Imagine yourself in your character's shoes. Think about her clothes, her hair, and her parents. Imagine the towering shelves of the grand library and the humble clothes from the servant. You didn't describe any of these, so I was hardly immersed in your story. To draw in your readers, you must experiment with your writing. How can you make your writing prosper and find its maximum potential?
STORY FLOW: (3/5) Although your transitions were smooth, they were rather quick. Most times, you transitioned with a boring sentence. It's like you struggled to find a good way to move the scene along. For example, when writing about the transition from the library to her room, you simply wrote that she walked to her room. This is plain and uninteresting. Stop to describe the transfer of her thoughts, and the change of scenery. Your chapter was very fast-paced, and I felt as though you were in a race to the finish. Give your readers time to breathe, soak in this information, and admire the work you put into this.
So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to the specific details of Chapter 1.
CHAPTER 1:
1. "Three weeks from now I will no longer be Dove, Princess of Casidine." (p.4). Here, you have the main clause, "I will no longer be Dove..." A clause is a phrase containing a subject and predicate (an action in the sentence). The subject in this clause is "I" and the predicate is "will no longer be." That means the phrase, "Three weeks from now," is not part of the main clause and is an introductory phrase, and shouldn't be included. It should be separated from the main clause with a comma. Correction: "Three weeks from now, I will no longer be Dove, Princess of Casidine."
2. "Stupid right?" (p.7). You need a comma here. Correction: "Stupid, right?"
3. "I yelled to my mother..." (p.10). You started with present tense, but now you're writing in past tense. Make sure to correct this error and keep your tense consistent when writing. This suggestion applies to the rest of your chapter, as you're frequently switching back and forth.
4. "'...I will not go forward with this marriage.' I said calmly." (p.14). Since "I said calmly," is a dialogue tag, it should be part of the sentence. That means the dialogue should end with a comma and not a period to indicate that the sentence continues. Correction: "'...I will not go forward with this marriage,' I said calmly."
5. "...father said..." (p.17). Since there is no possessive pronoun (my/your/his/her/our/their) in front of "father," this word should be capitalized. Correction: "...Father said..."
6. "'Rules are meant to be broken.' I yelled." (p.20). Again, if you think about it, it doesn't make sense to have "I yelled" as a sentence by itself. It's a dependent clause, meaning that while it has a topic and an action, it should be included with the main clause. Correction: "'Rules are meant to be broken,' I yelled."
7. In paragraph 22, "father" should be capitalized, as there's no possessive pronoun in front of it. This is a repetitive mistake, so keep this rule in your head for future writing.
8. "The walk to my room was short but walking was the only freedom I had, so I enjoyed it." (p.28). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "The walk to my room was short, but walking was the only freedom I had, so I enjoyed it." I also feel like this sentence is a filler sentence. I can tell you're struggling with how to transition the scenes, and this sentence is boring, to be blunt. Rather than stating that she walked to her room, describe Dove's surroundings. Describe her internal turmoil. Do more with this sentence.
9. "When I opened the door there was a dress on my bed and one of the maids setting up stuff for my hair." (p.29). You're missing another comma here, as these are two different clauses needing to be separated. Correction: "When I opened the door, there was a dress on my bed and one of the maids setting up stuff for my hair."
10. In paragraph 38, I suggest you write out the number "twenty." Along with that, don't write down what happens simply for the sake of getting it down. Have more fun with it and don't be afraid to describe the ache of Dove's head as the maid tugs on her hair and the pain of the pins holding her hair in place. You want to visually describe this scene for your readers, so it's more enjoyable.
11. "Granted I have a palace..." (p.40). Another missing comma. Correction: "Granted, I have a palace..."
12. "'Olivia,' she smiled." (p.44). Since "she smiled" is an action tag, it is not a continuation of the dialogue sentence. That means the start of the action tag should be capitalized (as it's the start of a new sentence), and the dialogue should end in a period to signify the end of the sentence. Correction: "'Olivia.' She smiled."
13. "'Call me Dove.' I said." (p.47). You have the wrong punctuation at the end of this dialogue, since it's accompanied with a dialogue tag. Correction: "'Call me Dove,' I said." This suggestion also applies to paragraph 49.
14. "I loked at her..." (p.58). You have a typo here.
15. "'I'm so sorry Dove.' Olivia cried." (p.64). Again, you have the wrong punctuation at the end of this sentence. You're also missing a comma. Correction: "'I'm so sorry, Dove,' Olivia cried."
16. "Hey Olivia?" (p.69). You need a comma here.
17. In paragraph 76, I suggest writing out the full word "okay" rather than "ok."
***
It looks like you're still struggling with the same grammar problems here as your other stories, so I highly suggest taking the time to focus on improving these first, then come to me after with a polished draft. That way, I can help you, rather than repeating the same things in each review. As always, I enjoyed your simplistic writing, although I would have liked to see more descriptions here. This was a lovely first chapter!
TOTAL SCORE: 61/100
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Written on 01/04/2020