BLURB:
Eden is a 23-year-old barista living alone in the city with a crush on the guy in the apartment across the hall, Jasper. The problem? He already has a girlfriend who's a beautiful model.
That is, until one day she turns up dead.
Eden finds herself caught up in the drama and meets four additional romanceable characters as she tries to figure out what truly happened to Jasper's late girlfriend, Sophia. Looking into a dead girl's past may turn out to be more complex and dangerous than Eden could've ever imagined.
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YOUR COVER: (1/10) A photo without a title or author's name isn't a cover; it's just a photo. There should be a title presented, and the photo should hold more relevance to the story. Just because Eden is a barista doesn't mean there should be a photo of a coffee shop to represent your story. I suggest that you go to a cover maker on Wattpad and request for a new cover. It should be significant to your story, and from reading the five selected chapters, this story deserves a better cover.
YOUR TITLE: (2/10) This title is pretty long and forgettable. It seems like you're just listing words that describe your story. Instead of doing this, I suggest finding a title that has a better ring to it, and better represents your story. This could be a character's name, a significant phrase, or a symbolic object. It could even be the last two words of your story, it's really up to you.
YOUR BLURB: (4/5) I like how you've kept your blurb short and concise. I got a clear idea of what your story was about. One thing I suggest is taking out unnecessary information. For example, do we really need to know how old Eden is? Along with that, try to write each sentence as best it can be. In what ways can you rewrite phrases to be shorter and clearer to potential readers?
YOUR HOOK: (4/5) While I enjoyed that there weren't grammatical or spelling errors, this didn't strike me as the best way to start your story. The point of your hook is to start your story in a way that draws your readers in. I wasn't compelled to read your story further by your first two paragraphs. Is there a more unique or creative way you can start the story without being too obvious?
YOUR GRAMMAR: (7/10) For the most part, I was impressed with your clear sentences and well thought out phrases. There were still some spots where you missed commas or used unnecessary commas. Commas are used to separate different clauses. An independent clause is a phrase with a subject and a predicate (the action being done). For example, in the sentence, "I ran away," the subject is "I," and the predicate is "ran away." If you string two independent clauses together with a conjunction, they should be separated with a comma. In the sentence, "I ran away but Billy cried until I came back," there are two independent clauses ("I ran away" and "Billy cried until I came back"), brought together by a conjunction (but). Therefore, these two clauses need to be separated by a comma. The correction would be: "I ran away, but Billy cried until I came back." There are also dependent clauses, which also contain a subject and predicate. However, a dependent clause does not express a complete thought. In the sentence, "Although I've been looking forward to the basketball game, I decided not to go," the dependent clause is "I decided not to go." It still has a subject (I) and a predicate (decided not to go) but it wouldn't make sense without the prior clause. The reader wouldn't understand where the character decided not to go to. These should also be separated with commas from other clauses. Another example a comma is used is when separating an introductory phrase or word that comes before the main clause. In the sentence, "Callie I've been looking for you," the main clause is "I've been looking for you," which has the subject "I've" and the predicate "looking for you." Therefore, "Callie" isn't part of the main clause, so it should be separated. The correct way to do this would be, "Callie, I've been looking for you." I've spotted several examples of different comma mistakes being made, and I've pointed them out in your chapter reviews.
You also confused how to use punctuation with your dialogues. In a dialogue, you might either have an action tag, or a dialogue tag. A dialogue tag would look like this: "she said, he declared, they yelled, etc." The dialogue tag essentially describes how someone might be saying something. It is part of the dialogue sentence, and shouldn't be separated as its own sentence. After all, it wouldn't make sense to have "she said" as its own sentence. This is an example of a dependent clause, because while it has a subject (she) and a predicate (said), it doesn't make sense to be its own sentence. Therefore, it's connected to the dialogue sentence; the dialogue should end in a comma (to indicate that the sentence isn't over), and the start of the dialogue tag should not be capitalized (since it's not the start of a new sentence). On the other hand, an action tag is an action (she grinned, he sighed, they walked away, etc). These are independent clauses and should be their own sentences. That means the dialogue should end in a period (as it's the end of the sentence), and the start of the action tag should always be capitalized (as it's the start of a new sentence). These rules may change depending on the structure of your sentence, and the type of punctuation does not matter, as long as the dialogue ends in any punctuation but a period if accompanied by a dialogue tag, and/or it ends in any punctuation but a comma if accompanied by an action tag.
Example of action tag: "'I'm okay.' She grinned." OR "She grinned. 'I'm okay.'"
Example of dialogue tag: "'I'm okay,' she said." OR "She said, 'I'm okay.'"
YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (4/5) You didn't have many spelling errors, but I've still caught a few typos and misspellings. I've pointed them down below in your chapter reviews, but you should also be able to catch them on your own. Although you seem to do a good job of editing, it's still important to thoroughly proof-read your work before uploading on Wattpad.
YOUR PLOT: (20/20) The way you executed your plot from the beginning is very engaging and well executed. I like how you included options for each chapter and took the time to write each one out. Each character introduced had a complex personality with different sides that Eden seems to only be just discovering, and you have a knack for describing things like scenery and characters. Well done!
YOUR CHARACTERS: (10/10) I love how you took the time to describe each character without overly doing it, or writing it all in one paragraph. You let the little details slip with each new encounter with a character, which helped me understand their mood, their usual way of communicating, and their personalities. I loved how you wrote each character in a way so that each new character Eden encountered had a motive or was suspicious enough to be a suspect in this mystery, and you made it seem like she was learning it at the same time as her readers. You had a thorough analysis of her mind, and expressed the way she thought and handled things, giving me a good visual of what she's like in real life.
YOUR VOICE: (18/20) You had a clear, definite way of narrating this story without being confusing or rambling. You had me engaged even throughout writing everyday dialogue or greetings (without it being filler dialogue). The only thing you need to do now is focus on enjoying it. Maybe you already are, but try to experiment with your diction and vocabulary. In what way can you make your words come to life? How can you personify an emotion, or compare an object with another? Don't be afraid to bring your own artistic twist to this story. This way, your writing style/voice will further engage readers, hook them in, and you'll be adding your own unique style to your writing—almost like a signature.
STORY FLOW: (5/5) You had a very natural way of transitioning through chapters. I wasn't concerned with how you led me through the plot, and I was pleased with how each chapter ended—meaning that you managed to include at least one important aspect of the plot in each chapter.
So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to each individual chapter.
DAY 1 PART 1:
1. "Jasper, hi!!" (p.2). You shouldn't include more than one exclamation mark in a sentence. By using two or more to end the sentence, your character sounds overly perky and excited. This is also unprofessional writing and may turn off some readers. If there's a possibility this will annoy some readers, it's best to avoid it completely. Suggestion: "Jasper, hi!"
2. "That gorgeous face..." (p.3). I suggest replacing "that" with the proper pronoun, because saying "that gorgeous face" sounds awkward and forced. Suggestion: "His gorgeous face..."
3. "Hey Eden!" (p.4). You need a comma here. Correction: "Hey, Eden!"
4. "God I hope that's the case." (p.15). You're missing another comma here. Correction: "God, I hope that's the case." Since the word "God" is a single word coming before the clause, "I hope that's the case," it should be separated from it as it's not part of the clause.
5. "Jasper's eyes crinkle at the corners as if he's acknowledging my joke but too sweet to actually laugh at me." (p.26). You're missing a comma here. Commas should be used when different clauses are joined by a conjunction (and, but, or, etc). Correction: "Jasper's eyes crinkle at the corners as if he's acknowledging my joke, but too sweet to actually laugh at me."
6. "I frown, confused, 'But I live here. How long until I can go inside?'" (p.61). These should be two different sentences. The clause, "I frown, confused," is an action tag, and should not continue into the dialogue. Correction: "I frown, confused. 'But I live here. How long until I can go inside?'"
7. "I wait for a response but the reddish-brown haired cop just looks at me expectantly until I answer." (p.80). You need a comma here. A clause is a group of words made up of a subject (who/what the sentence is about, in this case it is the cop) and predicate (what is the action being done). There are two clauses in this sentence. The first clause is "I wait for a response," where the subject is "I," (Eden), and the predicate is that she's waiting for a response. The second clause has the subject (the cop) and the predicate (looks at Eden expectantly). These clauses are joined by a conjunction (the word, "but,"), and therefore should be separated with a comma. Correction: "I wait for a response, but the reddish-brown haired cop just looks at me expectantly until I answer."
8. "If this is interesting to the policeman he doesn't show it." (p.83). There should be another comma here. The first clause has "this," which is the subject. The predicate is that it may be interesting to the cop. In the second clause, the subject is "he," and the predicate (the action being done) is that he "doesn't show it." These two clauses should, once again, be separated with a comma. I hope this is making sense. Correction: "If this is interesting to the policeman, he doesn't show it."
9. "The officer nods, knowingly." (p.86). The word "knowingly" is part of the clause, and shouldn't be separated with a comma. Correction: "The officer nods knowingly."
10. "My voice trails off..." (p.89). If you want to have a better effect on your reader, describe someone doing something directly, rather than a body part doing something. Suggestion: "I trail off..."
11. "...then looks at me in the eyes, 'Well, thank you for your cooperation, Miss Novak.'" (p.109). Since "looks at me in the eyes," is an action tag, it's not part of the dialogue sentence. Therefore, the comma should be replaced with a period to signify the end of the sentence. Correction: "...then looks at me in the eyes. 'Well, thank you for your cooperation, Miss Novak.'"
12. "Sure!" (p.112). So Eden just found out Sophia is dead. By ending this sentence with an exclamation mark, it makes her sound happy and excited, which may be out of character. I suggest replacing it with a period to make her sound more subdued and in shock. This also applies to the next paragraph. Why would Eden smile as she returns the notebook? I understand she may be trying to be polite, but it seems like she just took a moment to mourn, then moved on with her day. It's a little weird, so I suggest replacing "smile" with something else.
13. "My heart breaks imagining him having to id the body of the girl he loved." (p.124). You have a typo in this sentence, make sure to correct it.
14. "The officer walks away, in the direction of another inhabitant of the building." (p.129). So you separated this sentence with a comma. While the first clause may have a subject (the officer) and a predicate (walked away), the second part does not have a subject or an action happening. That means it shouldn't be separated and is actually part of the first clause. Correction: "The officer walks away in the direction of another inhabitant of the building."
15. "He laughs, 'What makes you think so?'" (p.46). Since the clause "he laughs" is an action tag and not a dialogue tag, it shouldn't be included with the dialogue. Correction: "He laughs. 'What makes you think so?'" This suggestion applies to your next paragraph as well.
16. "Oh my goodness stop it right now!" (p.63). There should be a comma here, as the first introductory phrase should be a dependent clause on its own (a dependent clause is a clause that doesn't express a complete thought). Correction: "Oh my goodness, stop it right now!"
DAY 1 PART 2 CHOICE C:
1. "Jay grins again, sensing my bluff, 'Really?'" (p.4). So these should be two sentences, as "...sensing my bluff" is an action tag. Correction: "Jay grins again, sensing my bluff. 'Really?'" This suggestion also applies to paragraph 10.
2. In paragraph 20, I suggest you write out the number as "twenty-four." That way, your writing will look more professional and less lazy for your readers.
3. In paragraph 28, you have an extra space between the word "well" and the comma after.
4. "I almost regret being so cold with him but I can't help but think that the only reason he was flirting with me was to get information." (p.37). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "I almost regret being so cold with him, but I can't help but think that the only reason he was flirting with me was to get information." Take note of how the comma almost always accompanies the conjunction.
5. "No, it couldn't be." (p.101). You slipped up in your tense here. Correction: "No, it can't be."
6. "I ask, quite tentatively." (p.111). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "I ask quite tentatively."
7. "'She put her head in an oven.' He said..." (p.112). Here, "he said..." is a dialogue tag, and is a continuation of the dialogue. Therefore, the dialogue should end in a comma (to indicate that the sentence continues), and the beginning of the dialogue tag shouldn't be capitalized (as it's not the beginning of a new sentence). Correction: "'She put her head in an oven,' he said..."
8. "Upon pushing the button for the appropriate floor I then slump against the elevator wall while the doors close in front of me." (p.122). You need commas here to separate the clauses. Correction: "Upon pushing the button for the appropriate floor, I then slump against the elevator wall while the doors close in front of me."
9. "...and stunning silver eyes than study me intensely." (p.131). You have a misspelling here. Correction: "...and stunning silver eyes that study me intensely."
10. In paragraph 132, I suggest removing the second question mark. You should only be using one punctuation mark at the end of a sentence, and two or more is excessive.
11. "I push the man away from me, gently but firmly, 'On second thought, I don't think I'm going to answer any of your questions.'" (p.156). Since the dialogue has an action tag (and not a dialogue tag) in front of it, it should be a separate sentence. Correction: "I push the man away from me, gently but firmly. 'On second thought, I don't think I'm going to answer any of your questions.'"
12. "I hold up the object he gave me, 'It says right here, on this pen.'" (p.171). Again, this is an action tag accompanying the dialogue; it should be its own sentence. Correction: "I hold up the object he gave me. 'It says right here, on this pen.'"
13. "I stand there for a minute, taking in the encounter, 'Did that really just...?'" (p.176). The same suggestion applies here. The dialogue shouldn't be a continuation of the action tag, as the action tag is a separate sentence from the dialogue. Correction: "I stand there for a minute, taking in the encounter. 'Did that really just...?'"
DAY 1 PART 3 CHOICE B:
1. "...smiling at me almost in disbelief, 'I'm really happy that you came here.'" (p.9). The dialogue is accompanied with an action tag, which should be a separate sentence. Correction: "...smiling at me almost in disbelief. 'I'm really happy that you came here.'"
2. In the beginning of this chapter, Jasper looks way too happy to be a grieving boyfriend. Even with his struggling relationship with Sophia, he would obviously be somewhat traumatized by this experience. I suggest finding a way to make his happiness look more false and forced to Eden, so the readers will believe he's trying to hide his pain rather than genuinely being happy. And if he's somehow a suspect, then I suggest not clueing the readers in this far into the story. It's far too early to begin exposing suspects, especially since the readers haven't had a lot of time to connect with the suspects. This is important, because you want your readers to feel enraged or betrayed when they find out who it is. Whatever the end result is, I suggest adding more sides to Jasper. He could be smiling, but his eyes could be red-rimmed and puffy from tears. He could say he was okay, but maybe his voice cracked while he was saying it.
3. "Afterwards I rest against it, deep in thought." (p.21). There should be a comma here, as "afterwards" is an introductory starter word, and separate from the main clause. Correction: "Afterwards, I rest against it, deep in thought."
DAY 2 PART 1:
1. "*cell phone vibrates*" (p.1&5). Rather than saying something happened like in a script, I suggest you incorporate this into your writing so it doesn't break the flow of your story. You could say, for example, "I groaned as my cell phone vibrated..."
2. "It takes a second to all come back to me." (p.11). I suggest you add some words to make this sentence less confusing. Suggestion: "It takes a second for it to all come back to me."
DAY 2 PART 2 CHOICE A:
1. In paragraph 13, I suggest you write out the number "three." This same suggestion applies to paragraph 15 and 19.
2. "Good morning Ciera!" (p.40). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "Good morning, Ciera!"
3. "Oh my god Ciera you will not believe what happened!!" (p.61). You need a comma here, as "oh my god" is an introductory phrase coming before the main clause. I also suggest removing the unnecessary exclamation mark. Correction/Suggestion: "Oh my god Ciera, you will not believe what happened!!"
4. "I guess I'll wait until a slower day when Ciera's not around to inquire and just focus on preparing for the lunch rush for now." (p.96). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "I guess I'll wait until a slower day when Ciera's not around to inquire, and just focus on preparing for the lunch rush for now."
5. In paragraph 105, the past tense of "one-up" is "one-upped," not "one up-ed."
6. "What was that Eden??" (p.131). You're missing a comma here, and I suggest removing the unnecessary question mark. Correction/Suggestion: "What was that, Eden?"
***
I enjoyed the smooth transitions in terms of dialogue, and I like how you moved the plot along! I was impressed by your writing skills, although there are still some grammar errors I suggest focusing on. This story has a lot of potential, and by focusing on the first impression (title, cover) I believe it can easily flourish!
TOTAL SCORE: 85/100
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Written on 01/03/2021