BLURB:
What happens when Sophie disappears?What will happen? A tragedy or a happy ending?Wll Keefe finally confess?Will Sophie snap out of her obliviousness? (Warning: A bit of a sad story) Read on to find out and please vote!
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As I'm not critiquing from the beginning of your story, I won't give you feedback about your hook. You will receive a certain amount of points out of 95, not 100.
YOUR COVER: (3/10) Your cover didn't convince me to read your story. The way the title and author's name was presented was boring and flat. I strongly suggest requesting for a new cover from a graphic designer on Wattpad; you'll be surprised at how many more readers will give your story a chance.
YOUR TITLE: (4/10) I recently reviewed a book here with a similar title. If you type your title into the search bar on Wattpad, you'll begin to understand why I wasn't impressed with your title. Many writers like to use the same structure for their story in the romance genre, especially including the word "love" in the title. This is a generic, cliche title, and doesn't reveal a lot about your actual story. I suggest going back to read your entire story so far and see what words come to mind when you think of it. What symbolic objects are included? What about specific people, phrases, and concepts?
YOUR BLURB: (1/5) While I got the idea that the story was about Sophie disappearing, that's really all I got. Who is Keefe in this story; what role does he play? Does he help with her disappearance, or discover her? You also have some generic lines, such as "What will happen?" and "Will Sophie snap out of her obliviousness?" These phrases aren't strong enough for your blurb, not to mention that you're missing several spaces and didn't spell the word "will" correctly. This blurb was very vague, confusing, and bordering on desperation. In order to stay professional, I suggest you remove the warning, and don't include the "read on to find out and please vote!" Including that in there won't make readers want to vote any more than they already do.
YOUR GRAMMAR: (4/10) You have an excessive amount of run-on sentences. Run-on sentences are endless clauses strung together to form extremely long sentences, which can be tiring for readers to comprehend. As a result, your readers will probably skim or skip over long sentences. To prevent this, I suggest breaking up long sentences into several sentences, so your audience can absorb information slowly, one sentence at a time. You also seem to be writing in a rush; you're always missing appropriate spaces. When a new sentence starts, there should be a space in between the punctuation of the prior sentence and the start of the new sentence. There are more examples of where spaces should be used that I've pointed out in your chapter reviews. If you also go read other stories on Wattpad, you'll find how good writers use their spaces appropriately. Use those as examples to compare to your writing to see if you're using them correctly.
I also found an overwhelming amount of misuse in punctuation in your dialogue. If the dialogue ends in a dialogue tag (she said, he exclaimed, they yelled, etc), it is part of the sentence. It doesn't make sense to read a sentence that says, "She said." Why? Because it's part of the dialogue, and it wouldn't make sense without it. That means the dialogue should end in a comma to indicate the continuation of the sentence, and the start of the dialogue tag shouldn't be capitalized, because it's not the start of a new sentence. The opposite goes for action tags. If an action tag accompanies the dialogue (she grinned, he sighed, they ran away, basically an action), it is a sentence by itself. Reading a sentence that says, "She smiled," makes sense because it isn't describing the dialogue, it's an independent clause. That means the dialogue should end in a period (to indicate that the sentence is over), and the start of the action tag should always be capitalized, as it's the start of a new sentence. In summary, if a dialogue tag accompanies the dialogue, the punctuation of the dialogue can end in anything except a period, and the dialogue tag should never be capitalized. If an action tag accompanies the dialogue, the punctuation of the dialogue can end in anything except a comma, and the action tag should always be capitalized.
Speaking of capitalization, I also found plenty of capitalization errors in your writing. Words should only be capitalized if it's the start of a sentence, a specific person, place, or thing. I've pointed out a few examples where you've incorrectly capitalized something (or something that needed capitalization), but there are probably more that you need to find on your own.
YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (3/5) I found several typos in your writing, which I've pointed out down below. There were also times you incorrectly used apostrophes. For example, with the word "you're," the apostrophe shows that this word is two words combined, meaning "you are." There were times you did not use an apostrophe when appropriate, or used an unnecessary apostrophe. The next time you're writing, spell out the entire words "you are" or "it is" and see if it makes sense to write them as "you're" or "it's."
YOUR PLOT: (19/20) The strongest thing I found about your writing was the plot. You have a strong story concept going on, and while I didn't start from the beginning, I still could sense that you know which direction this story is heading. You did well with avoiding filler chapters and only writing necessary scenes.
YOUR CHARACTERS: (6/10) I didn't get a strong idea of your characters. I only got the basic personalities, such a sweet and righteous girl as Sophie, and soft and courageous Keefe. There are countless characters on Wattpad that are like this; how are yours any different? Your characters didn't give me a strong impression, so make sure to show their conflicted feelings, rising emotions, and establish their daily habits. Even the smallest thing can help a reader understand the characters.
YOUR VOICE: (5/20) I wasn't able to enjoy your writing voice because of the amount of errors littering your writing. If you take the time to clean up your mistakes, your writing voice alone will drastically improve. It looks like you're always in a rush when you're writing, and I get the sense that you're impatient to finish. I could be wrong, but even so, I suggest slowing down when you write and taking the time to consider each scene in your head as you write. You don't want your audience to feel like you're rushing them, so thoroughly edit each chapter and proof-read before publishing on Wattpad. It couldn't hurt to add in a simile/metaphor or two as well. You want to draw in your readers into the moment. You want them to feel what your characters are feeling, but just writing that, "Sophie cried," isn't strong enough. Don't be afraid to describe her tears, or the ache in her chest.
STORY FLOW: (4/5) Like I've mentioned earlier, it feels like you're rushing when writing your chapters. The first thing you need to do is slow down when you're writing, and edit each scene when you're done writing them. You've had abrupt transitions, and I found it repetitive that you write, "two weeks later," or "one month later." If you find yourself time skipping like this often, it goes to show that you probably aren't doing a great job at transitioning scenes. Instead of announcing that a certain amount of time has passed, incorporate it into your writing. That way, you won't break the flow of your story, and your readers will still understand that a certain amount of time had passed. For example, you could say, "It had been two months since Keefe's planting, and Sophie visited his tree every week..."
So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to each individual chapter.
NOW THIS IS THE TRAGIC PART:
1. "'Foster?'Keefe asked, unable to control himself.The girl turned around, glaring at him." (p.1). You're missing several spaces here. When starting a new sentence, you should have a space between the end of a sentence and the beginning of the next. Correction: "'Foster?' Keefe asked, unable to control himself. The girl turned around, glaring at him."
2. "Yep, there she was, it was Sophie but why wasn't she running?" (p.2). This sentence is awkward. You have misplaced commas, and you could separate this into two sentences. Correction/Suggestion: "Yep, there she was. It was Sophie, but why wasn't she running?"
3. "Keefe cringed, he did not like the blue eyes on her." (p.3). I suggest splitting this into two paragraphs. In addition, to look more professional, I suggest refraining from underlining your words. Instead, italicize the word to show the emphasis. Suggestion: "Keefe cringed. He did not like the blue eyes on her."
4. "'What did you do to her!!'Biana shouted. 'Oh that, I made sure that the moonlark would never be the same.'Lady Gisela replied." (p.4). When someone else is speaking, you should start a new paragraph. One paragraph is when Biana is speaking, and you need to start a new paragraph when Lady Gisela says, "Oh that..." Along with that, "Lady Gisela replied'' is not its own sentence, it's a continuation of the dialogue. Therefore, the period at the end of the dialogue should be replaced with a comma. You're missing some spaces as well. Correction: "'What did you do to her!!' Biana shouted. 'Oh that, I made sure that the moonlark would never be the same,' Lady Gisela replied."
5. "Sophie will be so guilty that she killed her friend that she herself.' She said." (p.4). Again, if you think about it, "she said" doesn't make sense as a sentence by itself. The dialogue should end in a comma (to indicate the sentence isn't over), and "she" shouldn't be capitalized, as it's not the start of a new sentence. Along with that, Sophie will what? You seemed to have skipped over some words here. Correction: "Sophie will be so guilty that she killed her friend that she [will do something? to] herself,' she said."
6. "Sophie was shocked, she hesitated,and let go of Keefe, and it looked like it had worked but after a few minutes she ran for walked towards Keefe again, teeth gritted." (p.10). This is an abnormally long sentence. I suggest you separate these into different sentences. Along with that, you're missing a space. You seem to have trouble making up your mind whether Sophie ran towards Keefe or walked, too. Suggestion: "Sophie was shocked. She hesitated and let go of Keefe. It looked like it had worked, but after a few minutes, she [ran for?] walked towards Keefe again, teeth gritted."
7. "You could have just ran..." (p.15). This sentence should actually be, "You could have just run..."
8. "Your worth it." (p.15). Here, you should replace "your" with "you're," as you're trying to say, "You are worth it." Along with that, remember to start a new paragraph whenever someone new is speaking.
9. "Mr. Forkle, came running towards them, shouting, 'Let's go!!!'" (p.20). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "Mr. Forkle came running towards them, shouting, 'Let's go!!!'"
THE PLANTING:
1. "Grady and Edaline had tried to cheer her up, but they couldn't, she was always getting distracted from things, she was distracted even when the Black Swan held an important meeting." (p.1). This is an extremely long sentence. I suggest splitting it into several sentences so that it's easier for your readers to comprehend. You should also add a conjunction in your clause. Correction: "Grady and Edaline had tried to cheer her up, but they couldn't. She was always getting distracted from things, and she was distracted even when the Black Swan held an important meeting."
2. "'Excuse me.' A man said..." (p.3). You'll notice that the dialogue tag "a man said" accompanies the dialogue and is part of the sentence. That means the dialogue should end in a comma (to signify the end of the sentence), and the start of the dialogue tag shouldn't be capitalized (as it's not the start of a new sentence). Correction: "'Excuse me,' a man said..."
3. "Lord Cassius quietly and with trembling hands put the seed and the strand of hair into the hole dug out and covered the hole back up again." (p.8). This sentence could be shortened and tightened. You have misplaced commas as well. Correction: "Lord Cassius quietly, with trembling hands, put the seed and the strand of hair into the hole dug out, covering it back up again."
4. "Fitz turned red, 'I'm sorry Sophie.Please forgive me.'" (p.12). Since "Fitz turned red" is an action tag, not a dialogue tag, it's its own sentence. That means it should end in a period. Along with that, you're missing a space here. Correction: "Fitz turned red. 'I'm sorry, Sophie. Please forgive me.'"
5. "Ro sighed, and said' Well your Father,' She pointed to Alden. 'Has been certainly meddled with Keefe's, yours, and Blondie's love life.'" (p.13). You have incorrect punctuation here, unnecessary capitalization, and unnecessary filler words incorrectly conjugated within this sentence. Not to mention that you have a misplaced space. Correction: "Ro sighed, and said, 'Well your father,' she pointed to Alden, 'has certainly meddled with Keefe's, yours, and Blondie's love life.'"
6. In paragraph 15, you misspelled "adding" as "addling."
7. The most concerning thing in this chapter is that you didn't separate each sentence when someone new was speaking. By separating each dialogue with a new paragraph, it helps the readers understand who is speaking right now. If Sophie is speaking, and Ro replies, Ro's response should start as a new paragraph.
8. "Ro sighed, and said' Well your Father,' She pointed to Alden. 'Has been certainly meddled with Keefe's, yours, and Blondie's love life.'" You're missing commas here, spaces, and incorrectly capitalizing. "Ro sighed, and said, 'Well your father,' she pointed to Alden, 'has been certainly meddled with Keefe's, yours, and Blondie's love life.'"
THE SURPRISE:
1. "...and the boy who's planting she attended..." (p.1). By using an apostrophe in the word "who's" you are saying, "...and the boy who is planting she attended..." which obviously doesn't make sense. The correct word would be "whose," as it's a possessive pronoun. In the near future, I suggest sounding out the entire word when using an apostrophe to see if you're using it correctly. Correction: "...and the boy whose planting she attended..."
2. "'I'll never hate you Keefe, you know that.'Sophie whispered..." (p.3). Since "Sophie whispered..." is a dialogue tag, it's a continuation of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue should end in a comma, not a period. Along with that, you're messing a space in between the end of the dialogue and the dialogue tag, as well as a space before the beginning of the sentence. This happens often. Correction: "'I'll never hate you Keefe, you know that,' Sophie whispered..."
3. I noticed that you often use the words "soft and sweet" often when referencing Keefe. While it does give me a good idea of his character, the same description being used over and over again is becoming repetitive. What other words can you use without boring your readers?
4. "...I'm sure you have a lot of explaining to do." (p.5). Here, I suggest you replace the underlined words with italics to stay professional. Correction: "...I'm sure you have a lot of explaining to do."
5. In paragraph 7, I suggest writing out numbers whenever you can, especially if the number is less than or equal to ten. In this case, the numbers is "2," so you can simply write it as "two." The same applies to paragraph 8.
6. "Keefe looked at her sadly,'That part... is complicated...'" (p.9). There is an action tag accompanying the dialogue, not a dialogue tag. That means these are two separate sentences. You're also missing spaces in places where there should be. Correction: "Keefe looked at her sadly. 'That part... is complicated...'"
7. "'... in trouble because of me.' Keefe whispered." (p.11). Since there is a dialogue tag accompanying the dialogue, it should be part of the sentence. Correction: "'... in trouble because of me,' Keefe whispered."
KEEFE'S SIDE OF THE STORY (PART 1):
1. "'Anything for the moonlark.'was all I heard before light burst into my eyes." (p.1). You're missing a space here, and these clauses should be one sentence, not two. That means the dialogue should end in a comma to indicate that the sentence isn't over. Correction: "'Anything for the moonlark,' was all I heard before light burst into my eyes."
2. "So now tell me, why. am. I. here?" (p.4). You need capitalization here. Keep in mind that every start of a new sentence should always be capitalized, even if it's just one word. Correction: "So now tell me, why. Am. I. Here?"
3. "In the end, they introduced themselves, the one who had given me the bottle of Youth was called Hera, the other one that had shouted so loudly when I woke was called Kitsu and they were both sisters." (p.7). This is an abnormally long sentence. I suggest separating these into several sentences. Suggestion/Correction: "In the end, they introduced themselves. The one who had given me the bottle of Youth was called Hera. The other one that had shouted so loudly when I woke was called Kitsu, and they were both sisters."
4. "'Goodbye!'she grabbed Kitzu by her hand and dragged her out of the door, Slamming it shut." (p.10). You're missing a space here. You have unnecessary capitalization, and you're also missing capitalization here. Correction: "'Goodbye!' She grabbed Kitzu by her hand and dragged her out of the door, slamming it shut."
5. "I was surprised that the two could bicker so much but I shrugged it of and went to bed." (p.11). You're missing a comma here, as well as using a wrong filler word. Correction: "I was surprised that the two could bicker so much, but I shrugged it off and went to bed."
KEEFE'S SIDE OF THE STORY (PART 2):
1. "'... he has been helping all day long.'Hera said, chuckling." (p.3). You have the wrong punctuation at the end of this dialogue, and you're missing a comma. Correction: "'... he has been helping all day long,' Hera said, chuckling."
2. " I will find out your secret on why you do. not. want. to. leave!!" (p.5). You have an unnecessary space in the beginning of this dialogue, and you need capitalization. Correction: "I will find out your secret on why you do. Not. Want. To. Leave!!"
3. "'...problems a Long time ago and is very wary of strangers.'Hera said..." (p.6). You have unnecessary capitalization here, you need a space, and you're using the wrong punctuation at the end of your dialogue. Correction: "'...problems a long time ago and is very wary of strangers,' Hera said..."
4. "I sighed and flopped on his bed, I had asked the gnomes to keep it a secret from everyone that I was alive but Kitsu said that if I wanted to stay, I had to help them with all the chores and work for as long as they were keeping the secret." (p.7). This is a long sentence that could separate into several sentences. That way, it provides more clarity for your readers. You could also shorten and tighten this. Suggestion: "I sighed and flopped on his bed. I had asked the gnomes to keep it a secret that I was alive, but Kitsu said that if I wanted to stay, I had to help them with all the chores and work for as long as they were keeping the secret."
5. "This time, even Hera was nodding,'We're worried about you.'she said." (p.19). You have the wrong punctuation at the end of the dialogue, you're missing some spaces, and you have the wrong punctuation before the dialogue. Correction: "This time, even Hera was nodding. 'We're worried about you,' she said."
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I definitely spotted some repetitive mistakes throughout your chapters, but they can easily be corrected with editing and proof-reading. I enjoyed the build-up of your story; you have a very strong plot going! All that you need to do now is focus on the quality of your writing.
TOTAL SCORE: 49/95
Make sure to vote and comment!
Written on 12/31/2020