Clandestine (COMPLETED)

Diary Entry Number...I lost count

Dear diary,

It's been so long since I did this. I remember writing here just to escape my reality. Not gonna lie, it was effective. I found a medium. A companion. When I was young, I thought I'm gonna die with only you, my precious diary, who knows what I'm going through. If I'm still the same Destine, it would be okay with me and I honestly won't mind. But years have passed and I found someone who became my strength, my anchor, my everything.

Of course, I didn't actually find him...he appeared in my life like an advertisement on a website. 

You probably remember who it is. Clarendon Bauer. An Aussie-Filo who grew up in San Francisco, California. Our families wanted more money from each other that's why we ended up getting married. We were young, and were unable to do things on our own. Of course, I hated the idea. Who would want to marry someone you don't really know and love, right? But, I was a scaredy-cat. I kept my lips shut. 

Clarendon became my friend, months after meeting him. We went to the same school. He's actually fun to be with. I was the happiest whenever when we're together. I laughed and smiled a lot whenever I'm with him. He may be annoying sometimes, to the point that I punched him in the face which resulted to my swollen hand and his busted lips, but I like hanging out with him. Clarendon and I knew our limitations when it comes to...dating. I respected our set up and didn't date anyone, not that I'm interested. Clarendon fell in love with someone, and I let him. I didn't even bother stopping him, because I saw how he was happy with her. Although their story was cut short...much to his dismay. I tried backing out from the wedding, but I ended up getting kicked out from my father's house. It was fine for me. At least I can finally say that I want to go "home", because that shit isn't home. It was jail. At least I'm with Clarendon.

Anyway, fast forward, I still got married to him. We've had our ups and downs. It came to the point where I lost every reason to move forward. I can still remember how hard it is for me to accept that I got pregnant. I know that I wasn't fit to be a mother, and that I can never be ready for a child, but for a while, I was ready. I was ready for Clarence. 

Clarendon and I were very happy. We were scared, sure. But we were ready.

 However, Clarence was just 16 weeks when heaven decided that they want another angel. I'm pretty sure he's playing in paradise now.

Life in San Francisco was full of pain. It became too suffocating to the point that no amount of therapy can help me. I wanted an escape. And Clarendon didn't even hesitate. We flew to the Philippines, hoping to live a life far from pain and suffering. 

I didn't want the public to know how messed up our situation and I didn't want them to doubt my love for Ren. That's why I asked him to keep our marriage private after we decided to enter the modelling industry. Everything was going smoothly...at first. Until everything started falling apart again.

When Clarendon and I separated, I realized that all this time, I was pretending that I'm already healed. When the truth is, I put up this strong façade to the point that I even forgot I'm pretending. I lost Destine. 

I decided to find "me" again. Letting go of Clarendon was painful, but I didn't want him to keep on waiting for me. Divorce was the best option.

Two years later, I met Darren. He's the carbon copy of Clarendon, and almost the same age as Clarence. He was as bubbly and as annoying as Ren. He was the reason why I decided to focus on helping at the foster home he was in. I treated Darren like my own son. Just when I was about to adopt him, a couple came and wanted to adopt him as well. I know they can give Darren what he really deserves to have. And Darren loves them. When he finally met Clarendon, I can't help but be happy. Para silang aso at pusa. Palagi silang nag aasaran. But I can see how happy Darren is whenever we're visiting him. And it's really fascinating to see Clarendon getting pissed at Darren even though he's as childish as him.

Speaking of Clarendon...we got married, again.

At the back of my head, I always knew that I'll come crawling back to Ren. He's everything I could ever asked for, and honestly, I don't think I can be with someone else other than him. I'm pretty sure he's my twin flame. When I felt like I was drowning, he came and helped me swim.

It's been 8 months, 13 days, 8 hours, and 12 seconds since we got married again. Darren was our ring bearer. He was holding the rings and a picture of Clarence's ultrasound when he walked down the aisle. He and Ren even wore matching neck ties. They were so adorable.

Our journey wasn't easy. Up until now, I can't believe that I survived everything. That we managed to be where we at right now. Of course, there will be more challenges, but I'm confident that just like before, we can and we will overcome it.

Why am I telling you, my diary, this? Because I'm finally brave enough to face reality. I will no longer escape. I'm not gonna run away anymore. This is me, finally fighting with no hesitations.

This is me setting myself free.

This entry became too dramatic, I can almost write a drama using this entry alone haha. Clarendon's probably looking for me now. I have to go! 

Thank you for the memories.

Diary entry number...oh shit I lost count.

- Destine C. Bauer <3