what hurts the most (poetry)

grieving over someone that is alive

nothing beats the pain of loosing someone,
like this,
grieving over someone that died,
you never really get over it,
you just get numb and you start not to feel anything anymore,
but grieving over a person that is still alive,
is a different kind of hurt,
yes, someone is dead and that will scar you for the rest of your life and at the end you will move forward but you'll never accept,
as for someone who is alive,
for some reason it feels like torcher,
ropes tied around your waist and ankles,
and you were thrown into the water,
with no way out,
and sooner or later,
you'll have to accept fate,
but you,
i don't know if i'll ever really move on from this,
you were a different kind of person,
they brought a different kind of hurt,
pain that i can't even explain,
as days go by,
i don't cry as i used to anymore,
i'm just becoming numb to the feeling,
and slowly not having thoughts about you like i did every second of the day,
will i accept?
one day,
my mom once told me,
"why are you crying? you weren't gonna marry him anyways"
and she was right,
i wasn't gonna marry Khalid
i wasn't gonna marry Devonte
and i definitely wasn't gonna marry you,
cause none of you are husband material,
you're still a little boy living in a 20 year old body and that's sad,
i'm seeing patterns,
and it seems like it won't stop,
guy after guy,
they're all the fucking same,
something's gotta change,
but i know that i won't,
i always have bad luck with guys,
maybe that's a sign,
maybe i am meant to be alone,
maybe i'm not meant to be with someone,
and it's sad that i am accepting that,
i'm told how beautiful i am,
yet i get treated badly,
it doesn't make sense
somethings gotta change,
but i know that it won't