what hurts the most (poetry)

amo ali

I don't think I'll ever forgive myself

Because,

I think about it everyday

Last summer,
I went to bed late every night,
Maybe around 3-4 am

I use to open my window,
So I can hear the wind come in my room
I would feel the breeze and it was nice
Very calming

I would lay and think of you
The breeze helped me

Because,
I cry every time I think of you

The breeze coming thru my window screen,
I can feel it on my skin
Nice air

I turn to the side,
Facing my window

I saw the moonlight,
The moon was so bright

I had a flashback of you

It was a good memory,
I smiled at the moon,
Thinking it was you

I smiled
And whispered

I love you Amo

With tears streaming down my face

How will I ever move forward?
Cause I know that's what you would want me to do

Every time I celebrate my birthday,
Another year goes by

That your gone

This year will be
2 years

Where does time go?

I'll never forget the day I found out you died

I found out on text,
Not by my father who was supposedly gonna tell me

But my cousin,
I read the text
And fell to the floor

I felt my heart sink to my feet
As I realize
He will live dead beneath my feet

I looked at my closet
Laying in the floor
Wishing that this was just a nightmare
That I will wake up

But I was awake
I felt like there was no time for me to even scream

Then it hit

I went outside so my brother didn't hear me,
I sat in the backyard
Beside my pool
And just sobbed

The clouds were cloudy,
It was dark

The skies were crashing

My heart was breaking

My hands were shaking

I felt like I was dead to

I went back inside

And thats where I'll finish off that story,
Because what happened next

I wasn't myself

The next morning,
I had school

I woke up and didn't talk to anyone,
I woke up a different person
And till this day
I'm still not that same person I was

I walked to school,
And I was quite,
I wasn't myself and my friends noticed

I pushed them away,
Ate lunch alone
Walked home alone

It became like this everyday,
I was numb

I didn't smile or laugh
And if I did
It would be fake

The guilt
Was eating me alive

I didn't even go to the funeral
Because of a lie that could have been prevented

Everyday it was a fucking struggle,
To get out of bed
Do my work
Go to class
Be home on time

I just didn't fucking care

I was loosing myself

And it was scary

I take death very hard,
But I never took it like this before

It changed me
And
I'll never be the same