Dark Tendencies (Dean Winchester x Reader)

Don't Give Up

You cry for a little longer until you run out of tears and proceed to back up against the headstand of the bed as Garth offers you the sandwich.

"You need to eat y/n. You have been surviving off of nothing but pop tarts and holy water for 3 days"

"Garth... I can't. I..." you didn't know how to explain what you were feeling between nausea, guilt, and numbness. You just knew the food wouldn't help.

He nods, understanding, and sets down the plate.

"Want to talk about it?" he asks. He had always been so straight forward. Never lying. Never dancing around the subject.

Memories started flooding your skull of what you had done and you felt the weight on your chest triple. You wanted to die. Hell, you were praying for death, but it wouldn't come. Not yet anyway because you knew you needed to suffer for what you did. 

"Please y/n. We need to know" Garth says, his eyes reflecting a pain similar to your own. You knew he cared, you knew he could understand in part, but you didn't want to say it. Talking about it made it real, but you knew they needed to know. Maybe then they would understand why you needed to leave. Why you were planning on never seeing them again.

You nod. And Garth squeezes your hand. "Can I get Sam and Dean?" he asks and you feel your heart sink deeper into the abyss in your chest. You had disappointed them too many times to count. You knew you didn't deserve the kindness they extended to you before, but now... the thought of them trying to act like it was all fine was unbearable. You knew Sam would be upset but play it off, and Dean... to be honest you were hoping he would get so angry he would end you. End your existence. And that would be that. 

"They have been so worried about you. Dean has hardly slept or eaten because of it. He didn't even accept pie" 

You knew Garth meant well, but the fact they all were worrying over a monster like you made you feel worse, and if you thought you were suffocating before, you were now drowning. You wish you had more tears, but you were letting the numbness consume you. It was a mechanism your psyche had developed when she took over the first time and something it had continued to do for your own emotional protection since. Some of the worst nightmares would be met by this outcome, but it had been a while since you felt it so strongly overtaking you.

You look at your hands, not knowing what you say.

"Please y/n."

You just nod. Not knowing if your voice would even work at the moment. 

Garth squeezes your hand once again before getting up and walking towards the door.

"I'll make sure to grab a water too," he says more to himself than you before exiting the room.

You felt yourself tighten with anxiety at the thought they could be back at any minute, and felt the aching in your chest intensify with every breathe, slowing erasing the numbness from your body. You hated this. You hated yourself. And you wanted nothing more than for the empty to claim you.

You look up at the sudden movement in your peripheral vision. It was Dean. Your Dean with worry and relief entangled about his expression. He said nothing as he slowly approached the bed, keeping his beautiful eyes locked with yours. He stopped at the side of your bed, as you attempted to hold your breath, scared that at the slightest change, his eyes would look at you with disgust. In slow movements, he sat down on the bed next to you. He was nearly falling off of the small twin bed, but he managed to scoot closer to you. You were petrified. Not knowing if you should say anything, much less do anything. He searched your eyes for what felt like an eternity before crashing his lips into yours.