GOD'S KILLER | harry styles

𝟭𝟱 - 𝗔𝗹𝗲𝘅 | 𝗢𝗻𝗲

Shut your fucking mouth!

His voice again, echoing in the core of my mind and making my stomach clench in the worst way possible. I could hear his voice, and it just made me cry even more. I hated him. So fucking much.

Stop.

Make it stop.

My shoulders were pressed so harshly against the couch I felt as though I was going to sink into the cushion any minute from now. I was hoping that happened, if that meant everything would stop. It hurt, so much.

Make it stop.

I had lost myself again.

"Alex, please." The voice again, but not my father's. Like someone calling my name but being miles away.

I found myself in that deep void again, that dark part of me I had tried so badly to bury deep inside. It couldn't resurface again. Please, no. I felt like I was crawling my way out of a hole, but the edge kept drifting away.

I was draining off and I didn't know how to stop all the suffering I felt. I wanted a hug, I missed those. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me I would be alright, even if it wasn't true. Why was everyone leaving?

Was I seriously that hard to love?

Why would anyone love you? You're just a bag of bones and flesh, there's not a pulse in there. You're dead already.

And he was right, because I was never really alive. I was breathing, I had a pulse, but my soul was so fucking dead, and nobody would ever notice because no one was around to check.

"Alex!"

I finally recognized the voice as Lis', which gave me the necessary strength to open my eyes. Seeing her face made me feel like a bucket of relief was washing over me.

My hands were spasming lightly and there was a thin layer of cold sweat all over my body. I felt my hair sticking to my forehead while I stared at Lis with wide eyes, who had the most concerned expression on her face.

She had just witnessed one of my night terrors.

But once again, the feeling she didn't care about me. She didn't, right? She had to leave, I couldn't do this anymore.

"You have to leave." I managed to say. My voice was hoarse and it hurt my throat.

I didn't know I had fallen asleep, when or how, but I did know I needed some time for myself. On my own. Away from people that acted like they cared about me. They didn't love me, they didn't love me, they didn't love me.

"What?" Lis frowned, her hands at both sides of my head. "Alex, I'm not leaving you here on your-"

"I said leave!" I snapped, sliding away from her so that I could stand up. I knew I was probably being too rude, but I wasn't used to people being there when I woke up. Usually, after night terrors, I would just drown in alcohol and drugs.

"I'm not fucking leaving. Why would I do that?" Apparently, she snapped too, because she stood up from the couch and nearly yelled at me.

Stop yelling. Stop yelling. Stop yelling.

Instinctively, I took my palms to my ears and covered them. Lis' expression immediately changed to a scared one; she had probably noticed her mistake. She didn't have to apologize though, she didn't know.

"I want you to leave because I don't want to be around people that don't care about me." I lowered my hands as I whispered, catching a glimpse of Lis' face. Some tears were welling on her waterlines, and it was ironic, because wasn't I supposed to be the one crying?

I hadn't cried. Maybe I was stronger than I thought.

No. I was weak.

"Alex, what are you talking about? Of course I care about you." She took a step forward, but my only reaction was to take a step backwards.

"You don't. It's your job to care about me..."

The atmosphere was quiet, and so were both of us. Lis wasn't saying a word because she knew I was right. I had no idea why this affected me like it did, but I guess everything I had gone through made it trigger me much more easily.

No one cared about me and that was fact, and I wasn't trying to seek for attention. In fact, the last thing I wanted was attention. I wasn't being dramatic either; this was my life. Maybe it all seemed overreacted because this was the type of life people had in movies, but it was nothing like those films.

"Yes, I admit it, I used to care about you because of my job." She sighed in defeat, and I couldn't explain how my heart broke after those words. "But not anymore. Alex, I really, genuinely like you. You're my friend, or at least I think so. And if I continue to help you, that's because I want to and because I truly care."

"Y-You do?" I felt a silent tear slipping down my cheek, and Lis' nod was enough to make me burst into a waterfall of quiet crying. "Thank you, thank you..."

This... it couldn't be happening.

I didn't know whether to believe her or not, but apparently my body was ahead of myself, because the happiness building inside of me was clouding my judgement. I could feel an unfamiliar pressure on my stomach - it felt so fucking good.

I buried my face into my palms the minute I felt a pair of arms holding me close. And that had been all I ever wanted.

I don't know for how long Lis hugged me, but at some point my phone started ringing. Its shrill, loud ringing that pierced my ears annoyingly.

I took my phone from my pocket and answered the phone, because it was my boss who was calling, "You failed, didn't you?"

Shit.

I swallowed the lump in my throat while Lis stared at me with her eyebrows creased together. I was trying to find the correct words.

"Yes, but-"

"I told you I needed this solved for today." He cut me off coldly, and uneasiness washed over me. "You have three chances, Turner. And then I'll kill you with my own hands."

"W-What?" I stuttered, tightening my grip on Lis because of my nervousness.

"This is strike one." And with no more chatter, he hung up the phone and left me with the biggest pit in my stomach.

Strike one.

Hi everyone

Yes, this is another chapter from
Alex's point of view

It may seem useless now but
remember it, cuz it's really important

Though for now, you can consider
it a filler

Hold on for next chapter!