What the heart wants

Chapter 57

Nayeon holds the paper to her face for a moment. There's not a single day she forgot the first day she saw Mina or the first time they spoke. Every memory with her is etched into every cell of her being.

You were a star Minaya, people took an instant liking to you because you're so beautiful and warm and I was so jealous of them. Because I could hardly string four words together in your presence and they'd be talking in long ass paragraphs to you.

Mina laughs through her tears because the word ass is crossed out and Nayeon has scribbled winded over it.

Nayeon-chan you were so popular, everyone wanted to be around you, laughing with you, joking with you. Sana spoke about you non stop, Momo would always sigh when you walked past, you had the ability to stop a room and turn everyone's head. I was just a normal girl. Then we became friends somehow and I was the happiest girl alive.

Nayeon chuckles, just a normal girl? Mina is her whole world and turns out she has absolutely no idea about it.

Minaya, I learned how to be able to hold a conversation with you, I learned how to make you smile, how to make you happy, I learned every single thing about you without you having to tell me. Jeongyeon once told me we always notice things about people we love. I even know what fragrance of shampoo you prefer when you have a headache, isn't that pathetic?

Mina shakes her head as if Nayeon could see her through the letter, the tears in her eyes don't seem to stop. I learned so many things about you Minaya, the only thing I didn't learn was how to live with unrequited love. I tried to date to get over you, it was a huge failure. I couldn't even bring myself to kiss any of them. I wouldn't even hold their hands.

Nayeon rubs a hand on her temple. She's crying but there's a sad smile on her face as she skims through the letter and reads the next words. Nayeon-chan, We used to be really close friends, but I couldn't sit there and watch you date people after people when all I wanted to do was be the one you smiled at, you wanted to kiss and hold hands with. When I see other people flirting with you, I get so jealous when I have absolutely no rights. I couldn't put myself through that pain repeatedly. I slowly pulled away.

Nayeon muffles a sob as Sana's words echo through her ears. We always pull away from things that hurts us.

I didn't know how crazy love can be until I fell for you. I pulled away but I couldn't resist doing every single thing you liked Nayeon-chan, right from your obsession with snacks to what you eat when you're sick, I know every single thing about you. I don't even drink hot chocolate, but I make it for you, you never seem to notice I only drink coffee. People in love are usually blind and I know you're in love with Jeongyeon, but I hoped day after day that maybe just maybe there's one percent chance that you'd like me back too. False hopes never let anyone be happy, do they?

Nayeon's eyes prick with fresh set of tears. Mina has loved her back but she'd missed all the signs. Every single fucking thing, like some kind of of cruel cosmic joke.

Minaya, I don't know why you slowly pulled away from me, but then I started seeing you with Chaeyoung, joking with her, being physically affectionate like you belonged together and I knew I had no chance with you. You loved her and I loved you. This is how it's always going to be. It hurts to have love not reciprocated you said. Yes! I know your favorite colour, favourite music, but what good it is when she's your favourite person? I still wanted to give you the best, you deserve everything in this world Mina. That's why when Chaeyoung approached me, I helped her give you everything I'd have given you and I'd have given you the world if you asked me. I still would. I wanted you to be happy, it didn't matter to me who made you happy as long as you're happy. You weren't a plan, a scheme Mina. You are everything to me. I remember how pretty you looked in that floral dress and when I sang can't help falling in love, I meant every word because that's how I feel about you. Everyday I tell myself, this is the day I get over you and I fall a little more in love because you've decided to do something as simple as breathing.

Mina bites her lips as a smile shines through her glistening eyes.

And when Chaeyoung finally asked you on top of the Ferris wheel, I was dying inside. I couldn't bear to look up. Why does love have to hurt so much?

"Oh Nayeon-chan" Mina sobs because she knows that pain, she's been there, and knowing Nayeon has gone through the same because of her, affects her in a way that drives her to a crying mess.

Nayeon-chan, I've always seen Chaeyoung as a sister, so when I sensed that she was going to ask me out I tried to avoid it as much as possible because I didn't want to hurt her and my broken heart belonged to you. Sometimes I get my hopes up when you overcome your fear of heights to jump with me, when you decorate a spot and get me dinner just the way I like it, when you buy me a dress that I absolutely adore but I had all these false hopes stomped upon when I found out you were doing all of that only to help Chaeyoung. For a moment, my delusional mind thought you were singing Can't help falling in love for me that night. But then I asked you what you wanted, you said that I should date Chaeyoung. My delusions chattered. I can't even begin to describe the pain I felt when I saw your operation Michaeng box. It completely broke me Nayeon-chan. You were ready to give me away to another person and that only meant you felt nothing towards me. I wasn't mad at you, I was mad at the reality that you'll never feel the way I feel about you. I am and I will always be a nothing to you Nayeon-chan.

Nayeon doesn't even bother to wipe away the tears anymore. Every word squeezes her heart painfully like there are hundred bricks on her chest.

Mina, I could sit and watch you fall in love in with another person, I could put myself through torture every single second just to give you your happy ending that doesn't involve me, but the only thing I'm incapable of doing is see you heartbroken. I knew your heart was going to be broken when the girl you love declares she loves someone else, I couldn't sit there and watch it. That's why I left. All I ever wanted is for you to be happy Mina. My heart aches when I see how you long for Chaeyoung's love, why do the most perfect girl in my eyes, the most beautiful girl in this world have to go through a pain she doesn't deserve? I know you're going away so you can get over her, but why do I want to get close to you all the time? Remember when you came to towel dry my hair and you looked so uncomfortable but all I wanted was to be able to close the gap and kiss you. That makes me a terrible person doesn't it? That's why I pulled away. I would have never told you how I feel if you hadn't made me promise, but I'm glad I'm writing this letter because I don't want you to think even for a second that you're not worthy of love. Not when I am sure that I'll never be able to stop loving you.

Mina clutches the letter to her chest and sobs. For the pain she's put the older girl through, for the pain she's caused to someone she loved with all her heart.

Nayeon-chan, why do I love you so much that sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. Every little thing you do make me love you more. When you play pranks, when you goof around, when you call the moon a doughnut , when you talk to yourself, when you smile that dazzling smile, when you can't sit still in one place all I want to do is kiss you. Sometimes you come so close to my heart and make me feel like I have a chance at love. When you got me the flower, when you give me your coat and stay in the cold, when you fill the tub so painstakingly for me to have a warm bath, when you got me the vinyl, I know it was you because Chaeyoung had no idea who the artist was and the only other person who loves vinyls as much as me is you. But there are times I feel you're so far out of my reach because you pull away when I get closer to you, when I describe my type as playful, funny but you don't see it, when I get you candies because you said your type is someone to get them, you ignore it! Why do you never see the love I have for you? Why do you have to both pull and push me away? Why can't I stop loving you no matter what? Why does all of this hurt so much? I couldn't walk away from you despite it all. But the one thing I can't do is sit and watch you go through the same heartbreak I go through every single day. I can't bear to see the pain in your eyes. That's why I'm going away. Someone broke your heart and I can do nothing to fix it. In perhaps another reality, I would be the one who has your heart and in that reality I'll take care of it with my life. Goodbye Nayeon-chan. I'll always love you.

Nayeon drops the letter from her hand as sobs begin to wreck her chest. She's let the girl she loved walk away from her, all because she was too blinded by her own misery. She's hurt her so badly that she could never even ask for her forgiveness.

The letter flutters in the wind and Momo leans down to pick it up. Her heart aches as she reads every word that's so raw and honest. Her own tears prickle her eyes as she hugs Nayeon to her chest and holds her until she feels the gut wrenching sobs soften down to burdened heaves of breath.