Forget me not

Chapter 19

I was so tired. I was tired of everything, of trying and trying only to have myself fail. I was tired of loving and falling in love only to learn that it was not to be. I wanted out. I wanted out of all of the things with which life burdened one. I, however, was not ready to die. I knew it, and I felt it happening, but I could not stop it. I do not know if I really wanted to. I knew I wanted away from everything.

I heard voices. I heard people crying and talking. I could not make sense of anything, but I listened and slept. I could not see; I could not focus. Shadows made up my vision, and I did not try to see anything for what it was. All I knew was that someone was pestering me and I did not want it.

Until I heard a voice directly in my ear, I did not recognise any of the sounds, but then I heard it. It was Inwe. I remembered her. She was my best friend. She loved me and I loved her. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to tell her what happened. I wanted to know if she was okay after I left her to the spiders.

“Merewen… you are loved, you are needed. You know me, I am your friend. I love you and I need you back. Please come back.” The voice faded, and I forgot the words almost immediately. Another voice, however, took over for that one.

“Merewen… Inwe told me you needed… you needed someone who could help you through this. You need someone who can bring you back from this. I want to help you. I will help you if you let me. Please, do not reject me. I do not wish to take Elladan’s place, only to help you. Just let me help, that is all I ask.” The voice faded, and I felt lips on my forehead. I could not move to accept or reject the offer, so I did neither, and he seemed to take that as a yes.

I felt his arms around me, they lifted me up from the ground, and I knew I was sitting on his lap. He tried to feed me something, I swallowed involuntarily and felt the viscous fluid slide down my throat.

His arms were warm when I felt so cold. His breath and heartbeat lulled me into a daze where I just concentrated on how good it felt. I remembered feeling like this once before. I had been almost dead, I was sure of it. I was so cold then… Elladan was the one to bring me back that time. It was strange how episodes seemed to repeat themselves.

*****

He took her into his arms and rocked her gently. He fed her, held her, and kissed her head. He played with her hair and spoke softly to her until he thought she was asleep. But he did not cease. He knew that every word, every gesture would help her. In his heart, he tried not to feel that this was entirely his fault, but his mind told him so.

Legolas talked to Inwe a short while later when she explained all that had to be done to bring their comrade back. It seemed simple enough, Legolas understood that he had to care for her. He had to feed her and talk to her. He had to treat her as he would treat a lover. He had to help her through the simplest things until her mind returned enough to do that on her own. But there was more that Legolas did not understand before undertaking this assignment.

Inwe watched them and listened to Legolas as he coddled Merewen. She knew that his heart was in this, but she did not know how much. She could see him getting used to this, she could see him fulfilling it all, but she could not tell him, not yet, not until it might seem that progress was being made. Then Legolas would not back out. He would not decide that he could not do it, for that would be taking a life. Hopefully, in time, he would see her as he should, and she would not have to guilt him into the job.

*****

I might have fallen asleep, or I might have simply gone into a daze where I could not hear anything or was lulled into a state of semi-consciousness by Legolas’ words, but I seemed to wake up hours later back to my unfocused, deathlike state. Legolas still held me. I wanted to leave, I wanted to go somewhere and just die. I wanted to be done with this, but I could not. Something was stopping me. I was not entirely against leaving this world, perhaps just leaving my heart somewhere else and remaining.

Legolas whispered words into my ears. Some I heard and some I did not. He told me stories of his home and his father. He told me of his brothers and things he did as a child. I listened to most of these stories, unless, of course, they got boring and tedious, at which point I would tune them out and lose myself again in my mindless emptiness.

Occasionally, I listened to hear the stories. Sometimes, I only wanted to hear him tell me that he would bring me back. Sometimes, I needed only to hear his voice. But nothing willed me to leave this stupor. I don’t know how long I was like this, but I grew used to hearing his voice, I grew used to feeling his arms around. I expected every day at the same time that he would lift me into a sitting position to feed me that terrible salve that Inwe had made. I expected that every meal he would force some foul tasting stew down my throat. It made me wonder whether the stew really was foul, or if my senses were mutating everything that I knew into something horrible to make me wish to leave this world more.

I realized, occasionally, that he left me for a few minutes. I could not blame him. I knew he had to stretch his legs. But I remembered the warmth of his skin and longed for the time he would hold me and talk to me again.