Dark Tendencies (Dean Winchester x Reader)

Survival of the Fittest

"Dean, I-" you start as you feel your chest ache with shame.

"Forget it," he says turning back around. He didn't seem angry or even upset, just tired which made your insides curl with more regret.

You watched Dean as he scanned for any sign of Sam. You saw the stubble that was starting to grow and the sadness he had been trying to hide behind a stoic expression. He always tried to distance his emotions. To bottle them deep inside so he could appear tough, but this time it hurt to watch him do this to himself because he was also keeping his emotions from you. He had never done that before. Looking back, you could always read him like an open book and you always wondered if that was because you knew him so well or if it was because he opened himself up to you, and at this moment you knew it was the first option since he was doing his best to keep you out. It crushed you that he wanted you so far away from him in this way, but your thoughts got interrupted by Dean hopping out of the car to get the door for Sam so he could put the maid in the backseat with you.

***

The rest of last night was spent in your own mental world. You felt guilty for leaving Dean. You felt guilty for not being there when he needed you. You felt guilty for not being there to help with Sam, or be there when Bobby was in trouble, or just after Dean decided to erase Lisa and Ben's memories. Yes, you knew about that. You knew about it a couple of months ago as Crowley was filling you in on the details about the boys. You were confused about what that had meant if Dean decided to do such a crazy thing, but you knew it was because of only one answer. He was expecting you to be there for him. He was choosing you... and you left.

You tried to ignore this fact for as long as you could because it made you feel sick that it was actually you that left them rather than him leaving you, and it hurt. So you pushed your feelings aside, dug deeper into your 'work', and avoided meeting with the boys again because you knew the guilt would eat you alive, just as it was doing now.

Sam slept upstairs in the bedroom as Dean opted to stay on the couch. He offered you it but you told him that you would prefer the chair and though he hesitated to comply with your statement, he shrugged it off and quickly passed out on the couch. 

You watched him sleep for the majority of the night. He always looked so peaceful as he slept. His muscles would relax and the weight would be lifted off his shoulders. A weight that seemed heavier since you had left. You didn't end up sleeping at all. By the time you even considered getting some shut-eye you heard Sam coming down the stairs.

"Morning y/n, sleep well?" he said while stretching.

"Yeah. Well enough," you lied. Your eyes remained on Dean's peaceful face.

"Y/n... it isn't too late you know" he said calmly. It brought tears to your eyes at the thought of him taking you back, but you knew it wasn't possible.

"No Sam. It is too late." you said looking up. You willed your tears back and glanced down at the flask in your hands that you had been gripping all night. You thought you could feel Bobby's presents through it, and you just wondered if he was really around or if you were just imagining things.

"Morning" Dean says rolling over to get off of the couch.

You smile slightly watching him stretch as Sam brings over a coffee.

"The maid Bobby possessed is fine by the way. And Meg should be here soon" Sam says handing the coffee to Dean.

"Great" he grumbles and you couldn't help the chuckle from rising from your chest. He has never been a morning person.

There was a knock at the door just as Sam sat down in a chair next to you.

"I got it," you say while standing up. You hand the flask to Dean and open the door to see Meg and Cas. You quickly step to the side letting them enter.