Falling Helplessly

Chapter 40 | Stay Open

I'm about to get answers, and I'm terrified.

About ten minutes pass before I hear the bell above the café door jingle. I gaze up, and my eyes connect with Miles. He pauses before slowly walking toward me.

I straighten my back.

"Hey," he says, his voice warmer in person. He sits across from me and leans back in his chair.

"Hi," I reply. He looks much healthier than he did weeks ago. It almost looks like nothing has happened, and I pretend in this moment, everything is okay between us. We're a happy couple, out on a date in the city. Miles bought me the flowers lying on the coffee table, and we share a pastry from the cafe.

But none of that is real.

His knee bounces and I watch him try to stop it with his hand. His nerves make me even more nervous about this conversation.

"How has school been?" he asks, trying to make small talk. I want to get straight to the point, but I don't want to be rude, so I answer his question.

"It's been good, I took a break studying for finals and came to the farmers' market." I motion to the flowers and fresh produce sitting on the table and he nods. "What about you?"

"I've been okay," he says, but it doesn't sound convincing, and he doesn't explain any further.

Silence consumes us once more, and I fidget with the hem of my sundress.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" I break the silence, getting straight to the point.

He takes a deep breath. "I wanted to apologize for not reaching out sooner," he says. "After losing my mom and Millie, I lost myself, and I lost you in the process. I haven't been a good person lately. I should've communicated with you, and I'm sorry I didn't."

His apology brings light back into my life I forgot existed, but I pretend not to be phased by his words. "I appreciate your apology," I say.

"I would've come to you sooner, but it took me a really long time to build up the courage to talk with you."

I stay silent as he releases a shaky breath.

"I want to be with you, and I loved every moment we spent together. But I'm just not ready, and I'm not sure when I will be."

There it is.

The catch.

The words I didn't want to hear but deep down expected.

Out of habit, I bite the inside of my cheek, attempting to suppress the tears that pooled in my eyes. I told myself not to get my hopes up but preparing myself for something versus actually experiencing it is entirely different.

I thought I was strong, but my strength just shattered like fractured glass.

"Oh," is all I say.

"I don't think I can be the boyfriend you want me to be, and I felt it was only right to let you know so you can move on without waiting for me."

I nod.

And with that said, he stands, having nothing more to say. He knows I'm not going to speak from my clear silence. He tells me goodbye, and that he's always there for me if I need him, and then leaves the cafe.

Silent, hot tears stream down my rosy cheeks. I hastily wipe them away, staring down at the bouquet I bought myself. Feeling empty, I pick them up and walk over to an elderly woman sitting by herself on the opposite side of the building.

"I know this is random, but would you like this bouquet?" I ask, tearing her gaze from her novel. She looks at the bouquet, then back at me. Her mouth falls slightly ajar.

"What is this? Do you not want them?"

"It looks like someone left them in the spot I was sitting in, I'll end up killing them." I chuckle. "I figured you'd take better care."

Her face illuminates with the grandest smile, and she takes them out of my grasp. She thanks me continuously, and then I leave the café.

That last day we talked in Miles' apartment, I told him to come and find me when he was ready. When I said that, I meant ready to get back together with me, not say goodbye for good. But that's the beauty of love. I told myself if he ended up walking out on me one day, which I prayed would never happen, those doors will still stay open.

I'll keep my word. I'm going to make sure those doors stay wide open.

I force a smile onto my face and push my way back out into the world, alone.

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QOTD: What do you study in school?

I'm in nursing school!

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