Apex

31 | controlled burn (part one)

AUGUST 7

MAUD

I wasn't a big fan of formal goodbyes, but when Nicki texted to say that he was about to return to Seattle for the rest of the summer, I immediately biked down to the ferry terminal.

I didn't allow myself to be mad at him for not giving me much of a warning since we'd barely spoken in the last week, but there was a part of me that wanted to be mad. Nicki leaving Friday Island meant accepting that no amount of emotional damage control could salvage our relationship, and I didn't think I was ready to wave to white flag. I wasn't ready to give up on us yet.

After locking in my bike at a nearby rack, it only took me a few moments of scanning the crowd to spot Nicki. He was standing to the right of the small green terminal with his back turned to me as he overlooked the water. His blond hair shone like a beacon on an overcast day.

I hesitated for a beat, glancing over to where cars were already driving onto the ferry. It was only a matter of time before other passengers would need to board. Not wanting to waste another second, I stalked up to join Nicki at the railing. He jolted at my sudden arrival, nearly dropping his coffee into the choppy blue water of the harbor.

"I honestly didn't know if you were going to show up," Nicki said, sliding another coffee my way.

My heartbeat hiccuped. Nicki had bought me coffee before, of course. But this time felt different. This time felt final. Like one last gesture of romantic normalcy before calling it quits.

"O ye of little faith," I quipped and took a sip of my coffee. Its lukewarm bitterness complimented my mood.

"Well, after I stormed out of your kitchen like an angsty preteen, I figured you might have had a change of heart." Nicki's soft voice had an undercurrent of sourness.

"No hard feelings," I shrugged, exhaling a hard breath. I could only imagine what Nicki endured on July 10th. "Given the circumstances, I think it was a respectable exit."

Nicki stayed quiet for a moment, his eyes shifting up to the overcast sky before returning to me. "If you told me in April about everything that would happen over the summer, I don't think I would believe you."

I laughed, realizing that I wouldn't either. There was so much that had changed, and it almost hurt to wrap my mind around.

"I miss who we were in Vancouver," I confessed. The damp air nipped at the back of my throat as I inhaled a steadying breath. "Do you think things could have turned out differently if we just stayed there? We would have escaped all of this."

Nicki's lips pressed into a small and unhappy smile. "Looking at it now, those days seem really simple, but they weren't. I think the illusion of simplicity is what I miss because I don't miss who I was."

I felt my eyebrows pull together. "And who was that? I liked him a lot."

Nicki was quiet for a few moments, his expression solemn as he seemed to mull over his answer. "I was someone who thought that I could change somebody else's mind by being what they wanted and that in doing so, they would eventually become what I wanted." His eyes shied away from mine as he paused. "Because what I wanted was somehow the better outcome and the right outcome. It sounds fucked up and selfish when I say that out loud..."

I nodded as I hestiated. I couldn't trust that my voice would be steady right away. "I guess we both changed for the better then. We both have a better idea of what we want and when we will be ready for it."

There was an unspoken truth that this was the last time we would show up for each other in the same capacity as we had before the start of the summer. There would be no more calls after midnight, confided dreams, and kisses over coffee. Summer would end, and so would those tender moments. But parting ways amicably was what we owed to each other.