how it feels to be alive {tom riddle}

twenty-eight: emptiness

He finally reached the point at which he'd stopped the previous time, to the photograph of Lucia lying seductively on the bed in nothing but sheer black lace. The first time he'd seen it had been a shock, a moment of both curiosity and captivation.

But now as his eyes lingered over the photograph, he simply admired her beauty. He longed to see her like this before him again, to trace his fingers across her skin in a way that induced goosebumps and a harsh intake of breath.

Her golden hair surrounded her like a halo of innocence, the dark lace a stark contrast to the paleness of her skin. It was ironic really, the innocent appearance when Tom know all to well the sin that lived inside of her.

Not that he didn't have many of his own, or even believed in sins at all in the first place.

But he'd grown to adore what he'd first observed as imperfections.

Though always seeing cussing as something so indecent, hearing it slip from her lips was dangerously breathtaking.

In his time, it was seen as undesirable to be in any way intimate with someone who hadn't been exclusively touched by you. However, her confidence and experience meant her touch was always sure and impeccable in the most extraordinary way.

Women had always been told to stay silent, living just to please men. Yet Lucia had no issue calling Tom out for his inconsistencies or for what she disagreed with.

Men were usually seen as the more academic sort, with many discussions deemed too complex for female ears. Yet Lucia was well read, and more intelligent than most men Tom had met in his life.

It was astounding, how much Lucia had impacted Tom. How much he craved her presence, her touch, her voice, her gaze.

As spoken by the infuriating Willian Shakespeare, Tom thought 'Give me my sin again'.

His fingers shifted to the home button, opening the phone app. He scanned the recent contacts, thinking of the possibility that Lucia had gone to a friends house.

When he saw Mel's name, his finger hesitated in thought. He tapped the contact, holding the phone to his ear as it rung.

The ringing stopped, and there was a pause that was filled with the sound of movement and finally the sound of a door closing.

"Hello?" Mel's voice came through the phone, confused at the sight of Lucia's contact name despite her being asleep in the room.

"Mel, it's Tom. Is Lucia with you?" Tom asked carefully, not wanting to raise suspicion if Lucia wasn't there.

"Tom... I think you need to leave her be." Mel said sternly.

"So she is there?" Tom spoke hopefully.

"I don't think she'd want you to know." Mel replied.

"I just want to know she's safe." Tom insisted, needing a concrete reply.

"She's... physically fine." Mel sighed.

"Let me talk to her, put her on." Tom demanded.

"That's not a good idea, she's really fragile right now, Tom." Mel explained, "And asleep."

"Can I just come to see her in the morning then? I need to talk to her." Tom attempted to change strategy.

"She needs some time, I'm sorry." Mel refused, "You need to let her figure things out. I really don't think seeing you is going to be healthy for her right now."

Tom took a deep breath, trying to keep his temper under control by angrily brushing his hand through his hair.

"I don't know what you've done, but she's fucking hurting from it. You need to do some serious thinking before you decide to march straight back into her life." Mel adopted a harsher tone, "I've known Lucia much longer than you have, and she sometimes doesn't know what's good for her. If you have any care for her at all, you'll help her make the right decision."

Tom was silent.

"Goodbye Tom, I'll call you if there's anything you need to know." Mel said and hung up.

"Who was that?" Lucia asked sleepily as Mel walked back into the room.

"Just someone from work, don't worry about it." Mel said with a warm smile.

Tom was fuming, he wasn't used to not being able to manipulate his way into getting what he wanted. Part of him knew how upset Lucia would probably still be, but hearing it out loud sent another wave of anger through him. He was mad at himself, Mel and literally the whole world.

He threw the phone onto the bed, pacing around the room for a few minutes before resolving to a shower to calm his anger.

As he stepped under the hot water, all he could think about was her.

He cursed himself for not considering the memories in this very shower.

As the hot water scolded his back, he attempted to focus on the pain. But his thoughts kept returning to the time she'd let him touch her. Her laboured breath and harsh pulling of his hair was a glorious thought. The way the water had trickled down her skin and the feeling of her leg on his shoulder as he brought her to her release made his stomach twist.

She had surrendered herself to him in that moment, and it hurt Tom to think she'd likely never trust him like that again.

All too soon, the water began to run cold, and after forcing himself to stand under it for a few minutes to subside the tension below his abdomen, he stepped out from the shower and pulled on a pair of sweatpants.

When Tom lay back in his bed, under his ribs twisted with regret.

For the first time in months, he would sleep without her soft breathing beside him.

author's note

double update because these chapters have been so depressing, I'm sorry guys!

it will all be worth it in the end, I promise.

thank you for reading!