how it feels to be alive {tom riddle}

twenty-six: magnolia

He stopped his movements towards her, but kept his gaze fixed.

"I'm not him." He said calmly.

"You will be." She breathed, "Those hands will kill so many people... I can't believe you dared even touch me with them."

"Lucia... You know me, I'm still the same person you've spent all this time with." He explained, edging himself further forward again.

"No you're not. The person I thought I knew was just a manipulative façade." Lucia said coldly, moving uncomfortably against the fence, "And don't come near me."

He stopped his slow steps again.

"How fucking dare you." She yelled this time, "You played me like a fool. I told you things I've never even spoken aloud before, I gave you everything I had, I-" A sob broke through, "I trusted you."

Tom opened his mouth to speak.

"Don't say anything." She snapped, taking a few deep breaths to settle the vertigo washing over her.

She leant over the fence to throw up again, but nothing much came out. So she stood dry reaching for a couple of seconds, tears falling painfully down her face again.

"Lucia..." Tom began.

"I said don't fucking say anything. There is nothing that you could say that would make this better. You may as well kill me now and get it over with." She spoke harshly, looking coldly but tiredly in his direction.

"I'm not going to kill you." He insisted, and she noticed that in the time she'd turned away he had moved yet again closer so he was now only a metre away. "Take my wand, here. I promise I don't want to hurt you." He extended his wand out to her, making her flinch at first but then grasp it from his grip.

"I know you must be angry..." He started.

"I feel many things, including anger, towards you right now." Lucia said coldly.

""...But you have to understand that I wanted to tell you. I just couldn't, I knew you'd never forgive me." He continued.

"You're right. I'll never forgive you." Lucia cut him off again, already fed up with seeing him try to make excuses for himself.

"I'm so sorry Lucia. But you have to believe me, I'm not him. And over this time we've spent together I'm even less like him than I thought possible. I'd always seen power and immortality as being the purpose of my existence, but now I see they aren't. Do you remember what you said to me the first time I told you that's what I was searching for? You told me to find someone to not leave behind." He paused, "You're someone I don't want to leave behind."

Lucia's breath left her throat, she didn't know what to say, think, do... she just wanted to curl into a ball and cry.

"When I spend time with you, it makes me feel truly alive, and like I can live in every moment as if it's my last." He said solemnly, the words sounding foreign from his tongue but nonetheless genuine.

"Tom... I can't come back from this." Lucia sobbed, and he stepped closer again.

"I know how conflicting this must be for you. I understand it's probably impossible for you to forgive me. But my... feelings... for you are completely genuine, Lucia. I don't want to live without you." He spoke softer now, his eyes burning into hers. He looked vulnerable, the most vulnerable she'd ever seen him.

Lucia just sobbed into her hands, and when she felt him wrap his arms around her, she didn't have the energy nor desire to remove them. Instead she cried into his chest, hating herself for loving the feeling of his warmth soaking into her.

He ran comforting circles across her back, which just made her cry more.

"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you." He said softly into her hair, "I should have the moment I said what I was doing here so you could have got away before we got close."

"It just hurts because I care so much about you, Tom. A part of me wants to say I don't care, that I want to be with you regardless, but I can't. It was stupid and foolish for me to invite a time travelling stranger into my life in the first place, let alone... you." She whispered.

"Please don't group me in as the same person as him... I promise you that isn't me in any of the ways that matter. His soul had been split, warped and corrupted by so much dark magic that there wasn't even a human left at all. I see how hideous that is now, it isn't what I desire." Tom said insistently.

"How can I even believe you?" Lucia sighed, "I've seen you over this time. You can be cold, manipulative, power-seeking, cruel... I'm not going to pretend there isn't things in common."

"I'm... trying to be better. I know I'm not perfect, but I can try my hardest to become the person you want me to be." He attempted to assure her, cupping her cheek in his hand.

"I'm sorry Tom, I just can't do this." Lucia said as she pulled back from his touch, placing his wand in his hand and apparating away.

When she appeared in the hotel room, she grabbed her trunk that had been mostly packed already. Most of what she needed was in it already, and she didn't have time to get the things scattered around the room.

After glancing one last time around the room where she had made so many memories just these past few months, she apparated to the only place she could think to go.

author's note

eeek she knows and he knows that she knows!

I know some people probably would want her to just get back together with him on the spot, but that's just not realistic. although lucia has her issues, I always want her to be portrayed as someone strong-willed and who doesn't just blatantly give herself to anyone despite what they do. I've read too many fanfics where the girl puts up with guys treating them like shit just because they say sorry, and it makes my heart hurt knowing there are young and impressionable people reading them and thinking that's okay in a relationship.

I mean... he's literally lord voldemort. I wouldn't be quick to forgive either, that's a pretty big thing to not tell someone lol

thanks for reading if you've gotten up to this part of the story, it means so much!!