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Do you ever feel like your life isn't real?
Like the live that your living is purely some imagination or simulation, or even a dream? Like everything you do ceases to be real and you're just floating through life? Like everything and everyone around you isn't real and life isn't actually happening?
I feel that sometimes. When things are moving around me and I find myself standing there thinking to myself that I couldn't possibly be real. That what's happening around me couldn't possibly be real.
I've been feeling like that for the past few days ever since I accepted the offer from the art program in New York. Like c'mon.
An art program? In New York city? That's impossible to get into? And yet I got into it without even applying? And now I'm going to be live in New York for a month? While my boyfriend is on the other side of the country? Not to mention, the boy I used to love and might still love is here? After ghosting me for seven years? And it turns out he wrote a full published book about me? And how he still loves me? But apparently he might not love me anymore because he's getting married?
C'mon.
You can't tell me that if you were in my position, you would think this is real because I sure don't. Nothing feels real to me right now. I just want this bubble to pop and discover I'm still in San Diego living out my very normal life.
Unfortunately, I know that won't happen and that this is all too real. I have to accept it, I know that, but give me some mercy because I'm lost for fucking words at this point. And it's not like I can really back out of this thing because a part of me wants it so bad. All of this. I dreamt for so long about pursuing a career in art and finding out that the boy I loved still loves me, but I never dreamt it like this. I never dreamt it would be in these circumstances with a job I still enjoy and a boyfriend I still love back home.
I already told Carlos that I'm using up all my vacation days and staying in New York for a month. He somehow wasn't too mad about it after I gave him all the information I learned at the conference. He told me to live my life and to do what was best for me so that was that.
Then I told Connor about me staying and even though he's obviously disappointed he won't see me for a month, he's really happy that I'm pursuing a dream of mine. He's so supportive and it makes me feel like an awful person for being so torn about Greyson. I haven't even been able to tell Connor about the book and what happened the other night because I know it would absolutely tear him apart.
I never want to lie to him, but it's been so hard for me to tell him what happened. How are you supposed to react when your girlfriend tells you her ex wrote a book about her and it makes her feel confused about her feelings for him? I feel like I need a little time to formulate my explanation. I will tell him, I will, but I don't want to hurt him so I need to decide how I'm going to tell him.
Meanwhile, my days are pretty busy. I've only been at the program for three days, but it's been nonstop work. Not that I'm complaining. It's been three days and I'm already learning so much. The plan is to have a gallery showing at the end of the month with some of the other students in the program. They've obviously been working on their pieces for much longer so I'm playing catch up, trying to make enough pieces for my section of the gallery.
It hasn't given me much time to think which I'm a bit grateful for because I love a good excuse not to face my feelings. But on the other hand, I feel like there is this shadow lurking and waiting for its moment to destroy everything. Fortunately, I have learned not to avoid that shadow for too long as I have in the past. That usually tends to royally fuck me over so although I don't plan on addressing that specific issue today, I'm not going to leave it for a month. I'm more just biding my time until the weekend because Ronnie is coming up to visit.
She planned a trip for herself before she even knew I was coming and it happened to be for this upcoming weekend. Ronnie does that a lot. Just plans trips for herself in random places without her boyfriend. In my opinion, she needs it. A girl like her can never be fully tied down so I think it's nice for her to plan weekend trips for herself a few times a year.
I mean, when you own a pretty successful business, you have the luxury of doing so.
So that's what I'm doing. I'm waiting for her. She knows me better than anyone. Yes, even Connor. She just understands me on a different level, sometimes even more than I understand myself. She helps me work through every situation. I'm kind of dependent on her for that, but that's what best friends are for. She helps me realize what is often right in front of me.
I'm unsure of a lot right now, but one thing I know for sure is that I'm going nowhere near Greyson. I'm not calling him, I'm not texting him, and I'm most definitely not seeing him. All those things would be bad for mental health and unfair to Connor. I already feel like I've been unfair to him and I'd like to tell Connor first about the book and what happened before I even think about reaching out to Greyson again.
That's not to say that he hasn't tried reaching out to me. I've ignored all of his calls and texts. He probably feels this need to apologize to me and tell me how sorry he is for messing up my life. Whether it's to clear his conscience or because he truly means it, I don't know. All I know is that talking to him is the worst possible thing I could do for myself right now. Every single time I've seen him, I've felt a thousand different things and none of them have been good. I've felt angry, confused, hurt, lost, and that doesn't even begin to cover it.
See it from my position for a second.
He was my first love. My first real love. He healed me when I was absolutely broken. He showed me that love didn't have to hurt, that it didn't have to be painful and that it could actually heal me when all the love I had experienced up until that point had been bad. We healed each other, we told each other things we had never told anyone else. My feelings for him were seriously unreal. I mean, I was in high school, completely convinced this was the guy I was going to marry. I never felt that with Logan, even before he hurt me, and I never felt that with Mikey, but Greyson was a different story.
Greyson could look me in the eyes and make me feel like I was the only girl in the world worth looking at. Once we got past some of our trust issues and toxic habits, I never doubted him. Not for a second. After junior year, I can't even explain how easy our relationship was. It felt like we were set for life.
We just worked.
And we both knew it too. It wasn't one-sided. That's what you need to understand. Everything I felt, he felt too. But then, everything fell apart and I started to convince myself he fell out of love and that's how I let myself love Connor. Otherwise, I don't think I could have ever moved on. I had to believe that he just simply did not love me any longer and there was no use sitting around and waiting for him to come back. He didn't come back and he never would. Even seeing him now -- it was an accident. We bumped into each other on the street. He never even reached out to me. I had to fly across the country and find him in the middle of the street to get him to talk to me.
But learning what I did, reading that book, it's like the one fucking reason, the one thing I used to convince myself to let Grey go and let Connor in, wasn't true. Believing he didn't love me anymore was the only way I could move on, but learning he never stopped loving me makes me feel like I did seven years ago when he broke up with me.
I feel lost. I feel angry. I feel hurt. I feel heartbroken.
Because all these years, he still loved me. It could have been us all along. It could have been me and him. But it seems like the time for us has passed for him. Unfortunately, it's starting to feel like it never did for me. It's starting to feel like I still love him and I still want him, even though I love Connor and I want Connor.
See how that could make a girl spiral?
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so i know this chapter doesn't rlly further the story, but i felt like i needed a chap where jo explains all her feelings and thoughts and why she's so confused so u all understand
feeling better-ish this week, sorta not rlly tbh just trying to convince myself i'm feeling better and less stressed. starting to get my life back in sorts tho so that's a start ig
