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"You're kidding," Ronnie says through the phone after I told her what just happened at the interview. "Johanna Spencer, you can't turn up this opportunity. This is once in a lifetime."
"Yeah, I know, but how the fuck am I supposed to do this? Live in New York for a year? Leave Connor?" My words come out in a choke. Everything feels beyond overwhelming. Greyson, this opportunity. How much can one girl take? "Ron, I'm overwhelmed. I don't know what to do or what to tell Connor. God, I didn't even get the chance to tell him that I ran into Grey. This is all too much."
"Hey, hey, you need to calm down. You are getting way too in your head, babe," She says. "You don't have to have this all figured out today, okay? You have until the end of the week. You can only tackle one thing at a time so just take a second and breathe."
I do what she says and breathe deeply for a few seconds, but it doesn't do much for me. I feel like I have to do so many things that stopping to breathe feels like a waste of time. "I just, I'm confused why Greyson did this for me," I say finally. "It's not like we're friends, really."
"He probably feels guilty after everything he did to you, as he should, and running into you made him realize he should do something about it," She explains to me. It sounds like a rational explanation, but something inside of me is just bugging me. I don't have closure about anything.
"Would it be a bad idea to text Greyson and see him again?" I ask shyly.
Ronnie sighs into the phone. "Jo, I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life, but you know how you were last time you saw him. I just don't think it will be of any good to you."
"Listen, I'm gonna facetime, Connor. I'll call you later," I tell her and hang up before she can rationalize my thoughts anymore.
In the year after Greyson broke up with me, I did a lot of soul-searching. I thought a lot about myself and my decisions, and the things I've gone through. I realized that I'm never at my best when I sit down and try to make sense of the bad situations I always get myself in. I'm at my best when I just act and do what I think needs to be done in the moment.
A lot of times my sporadic decisions don't seem great, but in the long run, they always turn out right.
I sit up on my the bed in my hotel room and take a few breaths before calling Connor. It's already eleven by him so I'm unsure if he'll answer. He is literally always falling asleep so early like a grandpa, but he doesn't make up for it because he also can't wake up early. I can't even count how many times he's fallen asleep on my lap before, but he looks cute doing it so I can't get mad at him.
He answers and looks absolutely exhausted. "Hey babe," He says in a groggy voice. I definitely woke him up.
"Oh baby, did I wake you up? It's okay, I'll call you tomorrow."
"I'm sorry, Joey. I just had an early shift this morning, but it's okay. I'm awake," He says, rubbing his eyes. That boy is too selfless for his own good. He will literally wake himself up to talk to me despite being up super early.
