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I settle on walking back to my hotel even though it's fourteen blocks away and raining. I need the time to think, to process what just happened.
I saw Greyson Wild for the first time in seven years. I can't even count how many times I sat in my bed in San Diego thinking about what would happen if I one day ran into him. I sometimes dreamt about slapping him, giving him a piece of my mind for everything he's done to me and put me through. It's hard to even articulate the pain I felt when he left. It probably seems ridiculous to anyone that doesn't understand our relationship. You probably think he got to his first year of college, saw all the hot girls everywhere and decided he didn't want a relationship anymore. But no, he's not like that.
Greyson was even often the bigger sap in the relationship. He would spent nights with me talking to me about how pointless it feels to him to wait until we've graduated college to propose, where we should live when we're older, and even how many kids he thinks we should have. This boy was head over heels in love with me. He would mess with me about proposing on any given day and half the time I was convinced he'd bought a ring and kept it in his pocket until I would give in about waiting until we graduate.
He would stare into my eyes and tell me how excited he was to spend the rest of his life with me. He never went a day without telling me he loved me. He always called me beautiful, even when I had morning breath and awful eye bags.
I often wonder if it was something I did. If I didn't tell him I loved him enough, or I was too distant sometimes. We opened up to each other about everything, but we each had deep-seated trust issues from the abuse we endured so that meant we retreated every once in a while. Maybe I retreated too much and he felt like I didn't trust him anymore. Maybe he got tired of me sometimes flinching when he touched me. Maybe he just wanted something easier.
See? This is what I've dealt with for the past seven years. This boy left me high and dry with no explanation and ever since, my mind has been a never ending spiral. I thought talking to him would give me closure, but it left me even more confused than before.
It felt like ripping open a healing wound.
I feel upset for so many reasons. I feel upset because he's engaged. I feel upset that I'm upset about him being engaged. I feel upset that he moved on and I can't. God, do you see how mentally draining this is? If I could ask for anything in my life, I would ask to be rid of him.
The good memories aren't even worth this. This boy physically ripped out my heart. I just feel so drained and I have for the past seven years. Sometimes I wish I had never met him because this hurts. This all hurts too much.
Why does he get his happily ever after and I'm stuck with all the pain and hurt?
* * *
After spending last night crying to Ronnie over facetime, I want nothing more than to get out of this city. I miss Connor more than anything. His hugs, his warmth, his constant comfort.
