Deep Within

Atelophobia

(n.) the fear of imperfection or not being good enough; an extreme fear of failing to achieve perfection.

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Emma

"Number to the closest limit is zero to a hundred" the teacher read a piece of the statement from the teacher book.

The whole hour he was explaining I was trying to figure out and understand what he's teaching about. He talks fast which made me have a hard time processing each word. He's like in a competition.

Everybody seems to understand what he's saying and that just makes it worse. They even listen to him while asking questions. Even though some students don't care about the materials I can't stop thinking about the fact that they're different from me. What I meant by don't care here is they talk with their friends and some even start to sleep.

Since everyone in this school is classified as smart, I don't underestimate them for not listening to the teacher. I'm not even surprised later on when the teacher gives us quizzes or tests at the end of the semester, most of the students will have better grades than me and that'll raise the standards of the school which then leads me to not pass their minimum standards.

I can't blame them because there are I know that there are many ways a person can study. They could catch the material quickly which something beyond what I can do, never going to relate. This is also one of the reasons why I begged my parents to give me extra tuition especially for maths because apparently, I didn't understand a single damn thing he said. It helps, but not much.

I lose track of counting by how many times I've yawn during this particular subject. That is one of the indications when I start to get nervous. I yawn every fifteen minutes. Again, I don't know exactly how many times but the problem is I'm really bad at this.

Every time I opened my mouth opened widely for a yawn, the tear glance calendar in my eyes started to produce even more than made me hard to have a clear vision. It's always come out as watery.

I already take notes of every word he puts out but even if I tried to read it all over it again, it still doesn't make any sense. I was lost, left me frustrated. I was stressing out so much, my heart pumps rapidly a hundred times per minute. My head felt like it wants to explode from all the stress. I could hear my heart pumping clearly in my ears.

I buried my face to the table hoping that in any second I could get rid of this feeling. I tapped my feet on the ground numerous times.

"Emma, don't sleep in class!" Mr. Alan gives out an angry expression. His warnings made the whole class full of laughter. This just makes everything worse. It doesn't help to reduce the speed of my heart at all.

"Sir, since she understands everything already, it's better to ask her to answer a question in front of the class," said one of my classmates looking at me evilly.

"That's right! She should answer so she won't be a lazy student who dares to sleep all day." Another girl stabbed me with her words right in my heart.

This guy has something against me since I came to this school. I still remember when I first introduce myself, he labeled me as the chubby girl. Everyone started called me that since he said that. As a result, not even a single person would want to seat with me. And being chubby is my biggest insecurity.

At that time, I was so insecure. I was so fed up with their words; I started to diet and exercise more. When I came back to school, people start to have a crush on me and treat me differently unless the couple that hates me for no reason. One thing people start to notice slowly is me having an anxiety disorder. I would try to hide the fact that I suffer from this illness. Well, I think they figured out that I was having a hard time and they like to see me suffer. Presenting in front of my class is my worst nightmare.

There's a cold drop of sweat drip down at the side of my face. I was in a crisis moment my body starts to shake uncontrollably.

I abruptly get up from my seat and raise my hand in the air. "Mr. Alan, can I go to the toilet?" Everyone stared at me judgingly. Some even started to laugh at each other.

"Why is she acting a big deal, It's a simple thing to do"

"Let's admit that she's pretty, but why is she so dumb to only answer one question."

"If I was in her position right now, I would be so embarrassed"

"She's just very lazy, I wouldn't even want to be friends with her" "she doesn't deserve to be in this school"

For your information, almost every day I went through unlimited critics from similar occasions like this. I didn't have anyone that backs me up since everyone has been avoiding me from the day I enter this school. I opened the door with strong power making it slammed hard to the wall. I ran as fast as I can to reach the bathroom door.

A reflection is staring deeply into my soul. There's no scar or any type of physical hurt involved but I can feel their words stabbing me over and over again. Tears started forming in my eyes making it hard to hold in.

I'm worthless. I'm worthless, I'm worthless.

I searched through my locker while trying to find my reducing anxiety pills. Oh no... how could I forget to bring the pills?

"Try this method, hold your breath for 5 seconds and...." my psychiatrist telling me inside my head. Find a place where you could relax."

I immediately went to the school's public park to calm myself down. I didn't regret sitting on the bench when I could see the sky is orange-pink gradation spread around the clouds. It almost likes cotton candy. Since this morning there's heavy rain, a very beautiful sky is a perfect way to cover a wistful situation.

I tried to think of any positive thoughts inside my head. The bus incident is enough to make me feel happy. Just by thinking of it already made my face flushed in redness. My heart still can't control the pumps its radiates off in my body. The boy that lends me his jacket this morning is such a sweet guy, I wouldn't be able to go to school without my uniform got damp.

I need to give back have to give to him as soon as possible. Well, but will he be suspicious of me if I came to his café since he doesn't know that I know where he works.

The bell rings telling me that it's time to go home. I wasn't sure what my teachers were going to assign me for detention. But I'm already fed up being in this school. Whatever going to happen tomorrow I'm going to leave today. Well, I hope I didn't have to see the very bad-tempered guy eating his donuts in the office.

I tapped my card to enter my apartment. I immediately took my pills and I drink them.

Why is everything seem to move? My vision started becomes blurry and I can't think of what makes it like this. I took the pill cup and I just realized,

 I took the wrong pill.