Saving Death

Chapter 13

Louisa. Hey babes, I hope you're ok. Well not ok, but you know what I mean. xxx

I stared at Lou's message for a while longer, then chucked it onto the bed without another glance. I didn't have a response for that. Getting up, I crossed to the window. Maybe some fresh air would inject some life into me and allow me, at least, the cathartic release of tears. Gathering the curtains away from the glass, I opened the latch and pushed the window open, breathing in the chilly morning air. My lungs cooled, and I felt the goosebumps travel down my arms, but I felt no more alive than I had a moment ago. I was still numb and empty. It was like I had forgotten how to cry and had no recollection of how I had done it before.

But as I stared out into the fields, something caught my eye and I blinked, my heart missing a beat. Sam was standing on the edge of the field, looking up at my window. Our eyes locked and he stood deadly still with a dark expression that made me go instantly cold. 

A shock of fear ran through me, and I ducked inside the window, closing the latch and letting the curtains fall shut. My heart was beating hard against my rib cage as if trying to escape, and the floor felt precarious beneath my feet. It was then that I felt the usual looming of eternal darkness—but was it everything that had happened with Zac or was it fear I felt?

*          *          *

The weekend passed in a cloud of toxic emotions, and I found myself almost glad to go back to college on Monday, if nothing more than to force myself to face reality. I'd already dodged the huge display of flowers at the front gate but there was only so much longer I could stick my head in the sand. Soon enough, I'd have to face facts. It was when I reached class and saw the gaping empty seat next to me, that it finally hit me hard, like an arrow in the chest. Zac wouldn't be there. He never would be. The universe had simply continued without him as if the loss of him was miniscule in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps it was—but it didn't feel like it. It seemed oddly melancholy in that tiny space, as if some dreadful ghost would remain there in his stead.

"Ava?" Mr Jenson's inquiring voice halted my thoughts and I flicked my eyes up. "Are you okay?" His voice was quiet and caught me off guard. The memory of his stern, authoritative voice from the other night had altered my opinion of him, and now here he was, altering it all over again.

"Yes," I smiled with some effort. Everything inside me was screaming for me not to press my mouth into a curved line, but I managed it despite the all-consuming feelings of constraint inside my chest. The smile felt empty though, and reminded me of how I'd been after my mum's death. I'd been so broken and fearful. The thought was disturbing and I wiped it from my mind as quickly as I could, but it was too late. All those sleepless nights came rushing back to me: the screaming, the stench of disinfectant in my nostrils, the blood running down my face that turned out to be tears. I raised a hand to my face and was shocked to find that there were tears now.

"Ava..." This time, the voice was Louisa's. Her eyes were wide with concern as she reached forward to take my arm. 

"Girls, perhaps I should call Ava's—"

"She'll be fine," was all Louisa said to Mr Jenson, giving him a glance of cool suspicion, which didn't go unnoticed. As she grasped my hand and led me out of the classroom towards the girls' bathroom, I began to compose myself, already feeling foolish for crying at the sight of Zac's empty chair. I needed to get a grip. I couldn't go back to how I was before, and I needed to be more aware than ever right now, what with Mr Jenson keeping a close eye on me.

As I glanced at Louisa, I knew she would have been going over all the same things that had happened this weekend involving Sam, Blake and Mr Jenson. I suppose I should have been glad that at least I wasn't in this alone. Especially if, if it came to light, they knew something about Zac's death.