Chasing Gold

18| scars

I smile at Aunt Claire's story. I would've loved to see that, although I think Aunt Claire is ready to do that for him. My mom got pregnant with me when she was in her first year of law school, Aunt Claire told me that it was something they never expected and they were both so scared. But as I grew up in her small belly, everything changed for the both of them. They had to make many sacrifices because my mom was just starting law school and my dad had just gotten a job in a company. On top of all of that, they had to raise a kid they weren't ready for. Yet, they never gave up.

When the accident happened, my mom was going to her last year of law school and my dad had landed the position of becoming the CEO of the company. They both all did that while they took care of me. Grandpa Willy and Grandma Amelia also helped them. Despite all of the challenges they never gave up and they worked so hard to give me the best life. I promised myself that I would make them proud, my mom couldn't finish law school but I promised to do it for her.

"I bet he would've enjoyed punching Kingston in the face, I know you would." I laugh.

"That's out of the question, you know it's true." Aunt Claire laughs. "I have to get going, my shift at the hospital starts soon, Grandpa Willy is coming to pick you up to drive you to school, if you feel overwhelmed in any way let me know. I'm sure I can stall an extra day or two."

"Thank you, Aunt Claire," I pull her in for a hug. "I think I can do this."

Aunt Claire nods. "I packed your lunch, I thought you wouldn't feel like eating in the cafeteria today. I also know that you haven't felt like eating lately, but please do. You have swim practice today, I don't want you to get dizzy or pass out."

"I will now go, I don't want you to be late," I reassure her. "You have already gotten into trouble because of me."

Aunt Claire smiles as she gets up from the edge of my bed. After she takes one last look at me she walks out of my room. I dragged myself out of bed for what felt like a long time, I admit that my bed became my best friend (it has always been) over this past week. Walking into my bathroom, I stood in front of the large mirror. My eyes were bloodshot red from all the tears that I've shed, I looked like a mess. I even looked a bit skinnier, I haven't been eating. I've found myself feeding my breakfast, lunch, and dinner to our golden doodle Jasper. He's been gaining a few pounds because of it. Aunt Claire thinks it's because we are feeding him a lot of food, but what she doesn't know is that Jasper has been eating for the both of us.

I took off Kingston's black Juventus hoodie (it still smelled like him) and I hopped in the shower. The warm water covered my whole body and whilst I took the first shower I've had in days (don't judge, I'm ashamed of it too) I got lost in my own depressing thoughts. Way too often, I have been finding myself thinking about where it all went wrong. I always did everything to make sure he was happy, even when I didn't feel comfortable or okay to do the things he wanted us to do. His happiness was above mine and I think that's where it all went wrong for me. I did that for so long that now that I found myself all alone, I didn't know what it meant to be truly happy. I feel lost and I don't know how to find my way back.

I've also been scrolling through Josie's social media more than I would like to admit. As I looked through her picture-perfect feed, I wondered what was the one thing she had that I didn't. My mind couldn't understand what made Kingston look the other way, because why would you do that when you have everything you could've asked for and more. He had everything, I gave him everything I had to give. Even when I had nothing else to give, I picked myself apart and it still wasn't enough. Why wasn't I enough?

After I spent a good fifteen minutes in the shower, I hopped out wrapping myself in my pink towel. I walked to my closet and I got dressed. Thankfully, we had to wear school uniforms. My mind wasn't in the right state to pick out any kind of clothing. With my school uniform on, I walked back to the bathroom.