Loving Jemima

25. Warm fuzzies

"Tell me, it's fine this is more important than worrying about ex's"
"He helped me, He was just there, I could tell him, he'd be upset but he didn't try and hide it. It annoys me when Matty acts like it doesn't bother him, I know it does and he doesn't even know the really disgusting stuff. How can I trust him enough to tell him that Steve made me lick honey off him while Matty slept the other side of the wall if I know he's just going to say it's fine. It not fine! it's disgusting, I'm disgusting, I'm...." I stopped sitting staring wide eyed at max realising what I had just blurted out.
"He made you....when you were.... when you say off him, do you mean his......" Max stuttered out, I ran out of the room and down the stairs at speed towards the front door max charging after me.
"Tom stop her" he called out loudly, Tom ran to step in front of the door blocking my exit
"Emmy, don't run away" max caught up to me "it's ok"
"Can't breathe" I panted out "let me out, I can't breathe" I scrambled at Tom trying to get past him
"What's going on?" Matty came rushing over

"No no no no no no" I gripped my hair and ears, hiding from my brother
"Sweetie, it's ok" Sandra shuffled out
"Need to get out, I can't...let me out" I screeched
"Ok Emmy, let's go in the garden baby, get some air, breathe you're ok, I promise you're ok, it's just a panic attack. It's just me I got you." max picked me up carrying me to the garden letting me go once outside. "It's ok baby, Jemima are you flashbacking about what you said or just having a plain panic attack?"
"No no no no no, stop, no, make it stop I don't want to see it again, make it stop." I curled into a ball on the floor crying, holding my head to my knees

"What the fuck did you do!" Matty shoved max yelling at him
"Not know Matty for Christ Sake can't you see she needs our help!" Ed complained "sis, Em you're ok, you're safe, we're here"
"Who do you need Emmy, let us help you, whoever you want, let us hold you so you know you're safe, just like William used to, anyone you want it doesn't matter who, no ones going to be offended."
"T-t-t-Tom" I stuttered out
"I'm here, come here you're ok, it's going to be ok, whatever you're seeing or hearing isn't happening sis it's in the past, you're safe I promise you're safe." Tom pulled me into one of his big brother hugs that made me feel so safe when I first got here "breathe it out like we practiced Em" he sat breathing with me until I'd calmed down. Then sat in silence with me for twenty minutes just holding me.

Max came out with my new therapy book Anne had left and a pen plonking himself down next us.
"Right" he declared "I'm filling out a page, that ok?" I looked at him hesitantly "you already told me accidentally or not so I might as well help you, I'll do the bits I can then you fill out the bits I can't, like the emotions and sensory factors and stuff, I can guess but that's not what this about is it."
"Max you're being pushy again" Matty huffed
"Can you shut up for two fucking seconds, this isn't about me being with your sister this is about Emmy sharing something extremely personal that needs to be documented for her therapy and recovery. We'll do two pages Emmy one for Honey one for Hamburgers" max rubbed my knee starting to fill out the page of the book Anne had left. "If it's ok with you Emmy I might call Anne about what we discussed doing as an activity and double check that it's the right thing to do, she said to call with questions.... baby?....that ok?" I nodded "cool, we got this Emmy, this is the start Boys, we're going to do it for real this time. we've taken the first proper step to recovery. We're going to beat the shit out this thing Emmy."

"Max slow down mate, what are you rambling about, you're going ADHD on us, you're getting carried away again, slow down" Tom instructed
"Emmy, can they read this or not when we're done filling it out? Here circle the emotions for honey baby" he handed me the pen and notebook covering the parts he'd filled out with his hand so Tom couldn't see. I circled 'scared' 'shame' 'embarrassed' handing it back to him, he glanced at it then looked up at me, crawling over to kiss my head "I know Emmy, but you don't need to be, I know that doesn't make a difference but it's true." I took the pen filling the rest of the two pages out, handing it back to him again.